A/N Another update! Let me know what you think.
The sound of wooden slats hitting together echoed out into the apartment. Sitting on the couch watching television, Steve and the Soldier hauled several items of furniture out of my room in different parts. Sitting back, I looked down at my stomach when I felt the little shifts of movement. Raising an eyebrow, I've wondered for a few days if a theory of mine would work.
Placing a peanut on the peak of my belly, I waited patiently and still until a thump bumped up from within. The baby kicked up the peanut and it tumbled off of my stomach and onto the couch. Picking it up with a smile, a chuckle escaped me at the childish moment. The small but amusing things in life are mostly the best.
Turning my attention, Steve gave me a smile as he carried what's supposed to be a very heavy wardrobe out of the apartment as if it were a bouquet of roses. Flicking my vision from the blonde, it landed on the Soldier who's also carrying out several thick and heavy wooden slats over his shoulder. I admit, there's time where I sometimes forget and underestimate their strength.
"Well, I think that's everything" said Steve with a dust of his hands.
"Thanks for helping" replied the Soldier.
Zoning out of their conversation, they stood murmuring to each other again and I have a reasonable idea as to what it's about. Waiting for Steve to leave and the Soldier to shut the door, I turned off the television before getting up from the couch "Is that what you two were secretly mumbling about at the party?" I questioned "Steve knows about the engagement, doesn't he?"
A faint smile lifted the corners of my mouth as I watched him eye me from across the room "Yes, he does" admitted the Soldier, not bothering to hide the fact.
Walking over he picked up the large piece of tarp he'd gotten from the Warehouse store. Taking the tarp to my room, I followed behind and leant against the doorframe as he spread the sheet out to cover the floor. After moving all of my things out of the place, were going to start painting the nursery. He didn't look up at me from where he'd crouched down.
"Does that bother you?" he asked.
I shook my head "No, of course not. He's your friend"
Leaving the man to his own vices, I went back out to the living room and grabbed the paint tins. I'd ordered the soft beige and light cream from the swatches I'd chosen. Taking them to the room, he'd finished with the tarp. Taking the tins, he emptied an amount onto a tray before handing me a brush. Dipping it into the paint I started coating the door frame while he used the roller to paint three of the walls.
A few hours later and we'd managed to do two coats of paint. Taking a look around, I smiled as the roomed turned out to look almost exactly how I'd imagined. Heading to the bathroom, I washed my hands of the paint before coming back out. Peering out of the bedroom window, I saw the sky turning a purple colour as the sun began to set.
Previously preparing a lamb roast to slow cook, the mouth-watering scent now filled the air and my belly growled. All that's left to do is the vegetables. Starting on the potatoes, I peeled and washed before cutting. Repeating the process, I took out the roast and placed the vegetables around the meat with a bit of oil. Placing the tray back in, the Soldier had finished having a shower by then.
His hair is still wet on the ends, but he smells good "Will you ever cut your hair again?" I asked curiously.
"Do you want me too?" I shrugged in response. I want to know what he thinks "It feels different to have it short, but I'll get rid of it if that's what you want"
"I don't. I like it this way"
A moment passed when the Soldier asked me a question of his own and a rather uncomfortable one at that "When will you start saying my name?"
My chest tightened "What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean" he replied "I've never heard you say my name. Why won't you?"
Looking down at my feet, I used my hand to lean against the bench "I'm not used to it" I replied with a sigh "If I say your name then I accept you for being someone I don't know"
"We've lived together for months. We've been through a lot of things. You know me. I'm not that person anymore"
Standing a few steps away from me on the opposite end of the kitchen, I feel cornered in a sense "But you are" I replied softly "You've changed since then but you're still the Soldier. That's the only person I see. I don't know James Barnes" I sighed "Do you understand?'
"No, I don't" he replied a little coldly before adding "Is that why you're afraid of me?" I looked at him in confusion. I was about to speak when he continued "You've been screaming in your sleep. You're always screaming, telling me not to hurt you – the baby" he took in a sharp breath, his fingers running through his hair.
"Why didn't you wake me up" I asked "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't know what to do" he replied "I don't want you to be scared of me. I'm better and I want you to see that. I've been trying to make you see that"
Standing paused, I want to say that I'm not at all scared of him. I keep telling myself that lie but deep down I know the truth. I wish I can tell him about the nightmares and alleviate some of the burden. I'm scared that the baby's going to be like him, even though I know it's an irrational and improbable thought. I just can't help it when it keeps drilling into my skull every night and day.
Hearing the buzzer sound with a sharp ring, I busied my brain with the task of plating up dinner. Getting the Soldier to set the table, I finished making everything and brought it over to the table. Eating in all most silence, I don't know what else to say on the matter. That conversation made me seize up vocally and I feel nervousness settle into my veins.
Quickly finishing my meal, I cleaned up the mess "I'm going for a shower"
Not waiting for a reply, the Soldier sat at the table sipping on a glass of water as he watched me walk away. I can feel his eyes all over me. Hurrying into the main bathroom, I took my time showering. In here I feel safe and calm. I almost don't want go back outside, but I have to sooner or later. Getting out and drying off, my skin smells like vanilla and coconut.
Freezing with my hand on the door knob of the bathroom, I thought about the way the Soldier spoke. He sounded as if h were trying to convince himself more than me, that he's okay. I've never really considered my mental health. I know that everything is behind me now. But the Soldier, he makes a good show of acting normal. He makes everyone think that he's back on track, but he's hiding something and I'm not sure I want to be there when it explodes. As stable as we all want to believe he is, the Soldier has done things that no one ever fully recovers from.
Slipping between the covers of the bed, I left my side lamp light on and rested my head against the pillow. This is the first night I'll be sleeping with him and I feel uncomfortable. Its' a ridiculous thing when I think about it, after all we've done, but it's been so long. Lying I stared up at the wall in front of me when the door opened and the Soldier followed in.
"You're going to bed early" he said.
"I've had a long day. I'm just tired" I replied, trying to lightly brush it off. I was hoping to get a couple minutes more of privacy, at least fall asleep without him right there watching me; probably waiting for the screaming to start. The thought sent a shiver down my spine.
The mattress dipped on his side of the bed as the Soldier climbed in beside me. Turning off the light on my bed, which left only his to illuminate the room "Good night" he said.
"Goodnight"
Getting up earlier than usual, I glanced at the Soldiers still sleeping form; his metal arm buried under the pillow while lying on his stomach. Quietly exiting the room and heading into the Nursery, I smelt the familiar chemical waft of paint. Grabbing the stickers I'd bought for the trees and birds, I placed it onto the beige coloured wall next to the window. Lining up to make sure it's nice and straight, I pressed firmly to scrape out all the bubbles. Doing the same with the small birds, I eventually stepped back to admire my work with a smile.
Grabbing the tarp off of the floor and rolling it up, I carted it outside so stand it against a wall. Picking up the baby blue curtains, I took them into the room and hooked them up. Spreading the fabric out, I kept it to the sides to let the light in. Between the beige, cream colour and baby blue, this room is looking almost perfect.
Gasping with a jolt, a pair of solid hands settled on my waist "It's just me" mumbled the Soldier as he rested his chin on the top of my head "You've been busy this morning. Looks good"
"Thank you" reaching down, my fingertips ran over the cold metal grooves of his plated arm "All we have to do it put in the furniture and were done" taking a quick look around, I mentally placed the missing items of the room. I need a rough idea of where I want all the things to be.
Letting go, the Soldier disappeared from the room only to come back with a large cardboard box. Placing it down on the ground, he snapped the white zip ties before taking out all of the wooden pieces and screws. Handing me the instruction manual, I leant against the wall and folded it out. It didn't look all too complicated. Heaving a sigh, I got started with a instructing him how to assemble the cot.
Scratching the back of my neck, I'd decided to sit down on the floor after the two hours it'd taken us to get the cot together. Apparently the instructions aren't as clear as I'd originally been led to be believe and we were also missing a few essential screws, but lucky enough someone was able to get us some matching ones from the warehouse store.
"Just a little to the left" I said with a gesture as the Soldier placed the last item against the wall "Perfect"
The cot stood pressed up against the wall made with fresh blankets and fittings. The changing table is situated just beneath the window with the blue curtains, and the wardrobe is pressing against the opposite wall of the cot with a small white chair beside it in the corner; a printed rug decorated the floor. After all those hard spent hours, the room is finally complete.
I laughed when the baby kicked "What's funny?" asked the Soldier. Shaking my head, I reached out for his flesh hand and pressed it against my belly. The Soldier smiled after a moment "Like father like son. He's definitely an active little guy" the smile melted from my face when the Soldier spoke those familiar words from my nightmare "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I'm just tired" I replied with a faint smile in return.
Heading to the kitchen I got a glass of water before turning to the small box of baby products sitting on the bench. Searching through, I started unpacking the bottles and plates into the cupboards. I blew a puff of air when I'd finished. Sitting down on one of the stool to catch my breath, I rubbed my lower spine as it started to ache.
Finding a pile of catalogues and newspapers, I flipped through them when the Soldier shortly came into the kitchen. Starting the process of making dinner, I hadn't realised how late it'd gotten until I glanced at the clock. I feel as if lately time seems to be flying incredibly fast – perhaps a little too fast for my liking.
The sound of chopping sounded as the Soldier sliced vegetables "You have another appointment tomorrow"
"Oh?" I said with a slight tilt of my head "Did she call again?" scratching my wrist, I looked up when he didn't reply. I found him staring at me instead. The cutting of vegetables had ceased "What's wrong?" I asked when I noticed the firm stare he's giving me.
"Is everything alright?" he asked, to which I hesitantly nodded my head. The Soldier paused before sighing and resuming dinner "I don't know what it is with you lately, but you've been acting strange"
"In what way?"
"I don't know" he replied "It could be me, but you seem distant. Every time I touch you, you flinch and when I talk you freeze up. Am I doing something wrong?"
"It's not you. Nothing's wrong. I just haven't been getting enough sleep lately. The baby keeps kicking" I added. I want to change the subject. I nodded "Do you need some help with that?"
"No, I've got it" he replied before setting down the knife and reaching into a draw. Pushing across a familiar pill bottle, I grabbed it "In case you forget" he said before I popped the lid and swallowed the hateful iron tablet.
Pursing my lips, there's something I want to ask the Soldier. It's not anything serious, but I think it could help with what's going on between us and benefit the baby as well "I have a question" I started, to which he gave a nod of his head "Would you do Lamaze with me?"
He ceased cutting "You want me to do what?"