Chapter 33 - Operation: Raising Tom Riddle, part ∞

Harry knocked on Tom's door. There was no response. He knocked again; still, nothing. He opened the door anyway. Tom was lying in bed, curled on his side, staring out into the room. He was on top of the covers, wearing the same clothes as the night before. He hadn't slept. He hadn't been able to think of anything except the horrible memory in the Pensieve. He knew it wasn't good to let the vision obsess him, but he couldn't summon the willpower to resist. The shades were drawn against the daylight. "Are you all right?" asked Harry, knowing full well that Tom wasn't.

"I can't seem to move."

Harry crossed to the window nearest the bed and opened it enough to let in a beam of light and a warm breeze from outside. Then he sat down near Tom's feet. "It's a beautiful day. Your mum's made lemonade and sandwiches, and we're all going to eat in the garden. We're just missing you."

"You can go on without me."

"Um...not really. We can't be happy while you're not. I know it seems unfair to tell you to cheer up. I mean, you have a right to be upset and freaked out...but it's not...well, to put it bluntly, it's not helping."

"I know I've got to turn this around and move on...but I feel paralyzed."

"Come outside."

"Do they know what I did? What I was going to do?"

"We knew you were going to make a horcrux. We didn't know when or how. I told them what you told me last night, so they'd understand your motivations. None of us think you've done anything to be ashamed of."

"I'm not proud of what I did."

"I know."

Harry took a wand out of his pocket and placed it on the dresser. Tom's eyes widened in surprise. "But...I broke it. Wands can't be repaired."

"Your dad found a way."

"I...I don't think I should have a wand."

"I disagree, but it's your choice. You might be interested to know that our wands are brothers. They both have phoenix feather cores, donated by Fawkes."

"You know so much about me that I don't...and I'm not sure I want to know. But...I caused the war in your future, didn't I? The war that's stopped you going back all these years. You knew I would become...that...and you still let me go to Durmstrang. You let me learn the Dark Arts. Why?"

Harry gripped Tom's ankles and gently shifted them to the edge of the bed. "Because you wanted to. We're not here to control you...just help you."

"I am under your control, because what I saw of that other future showed me it's really for the best. You came back through time to help me, when you could've killed me instead. You...allowed me to exist. No, you've done more than that. You gave me this life. This is going to sound weird, Harry, but for some reason even though you're so young, you've always felt like a father to me, in some ways more than Dad. I know he loves me, but you've got this...unconditional compassion."

"We all helped raise you."

"But it was your idea."

After some hesitation, Harry nodded. "Maybe people who suffer understand better how important it is to be brave and kind, and to believe that good things are possible."

Tom felt a terrible pang for Harry, for Aleksandr, for everyone who dared to help others. "I get it. You can't be happy while I'm not. You can't enjoy lemonade and sunshine while I'm despairing in the dark."

"It's like that when you care about someone."

"But how can we drink lemonade while Japan is being bombed? How can we enjoy sunshine while there are people in solitary confinement in Azkaban?"

Tom looked at him then, and added, "You think about it all the time, Harry. I know you understand the kind of sorrow I'm talking about. How can we ignore it?"

"We can be aware of it without giving in to despair. We should not despair...not while good people and things exist. Not while our family is there in the garden, waiting. Not while the sun exists. Other suns, too. Trillions of them. It's okay to be happy."

"Not completely."

"Maybe not. But without happiness, what sort of future can we hope for?"

Tom sighed. "I need to do better than hope. I need a way to work towards it, without turning into a monster. Lots of powerful people have worked toward what they thought was a better future, and ended up inflicting terrible suffering. I'm too much of a perfectionist. I should stay away from politics. But then how will I fight for the abolishment of Dementors?"

Harry blinked. "That's something you want to do?"

"It's something you want to do, and I think it's a great idea. I don't trust my ideas, Harry. I don't know how to manage myself. I can't be left to my own devices. I'm not ready for you to leave me."

"Nobody's leaving you. What, you think because we've averted the war in our time, that we're just going to leave now?"

"Well, shouldn't you want to? I mean, get back to your own life? Your own present."

"This is my life! Maybe it's a little odd and out of order, but I'm here right now, so that makes it my present. Tom, listen, you've got to know this has all been real. Probably the realest thing I've ever done. We're with you forever, even if you don't see us all the time. You are not alone. You've got all of us, and people you haven't even met yet. Please believe me, even though everything is far from perfect, it's going to be all right. Please just take a stupid leap of faith with me on all of this."

"It isn't stupid."

Tom reached out. Harry helped him stand. Tom took a deep breath and picked up his wand.