Act 1 Scene 1
In August of 2012, at a Harry Potter fan convention called "Leaky Con", StarKid Productions performed a staged reading of the third and final installment of their "Very Potter Musical" series.
This is that staged recording.
"Wow, so there are scripts in this then."
"Wait you mean to tell me that they don't have this memorized?"
"The others one they did but it seems they didn't have a chance for this one."
Narrator: A dark stage, we hear the ding of an elevator as it comes to a stop. An elevator voice says: Bottom Floor, the Department of Mysteries.
The DA members flinched at the scene description. This was starting off in the DOM and it wouldn't mean anything good.
Luna: Lumos!
The entire room gasped at the unnatural resemblence this Luna had to their own.
"How in the world…"
This is the actual actress to portray your friends in the real movies. That is why they have such a high resemblance.
"Bloody hell, that is completely unnerving."
"I find it more believable because now I have a very nice reference for myself." Luna looked excitedly dreamy watching the musical and seeing herself.
"Yeah but what you don't know is they also give us some really horrible attitudes on occasion and so who knows how much you'll be distorted."
"That's not very nice of them."
"It's hilarious though on an equal majority so you live with it."
Neville: Luna! Wait for me.
"Is that…"
"Yes, Neville, that is you."
"What?"
Luna: Come on Neville.
Neville: Sorry, it's a nervous tick. I slow down whenever I have to hurry up.
Neville snorted at that and looked at Ron.
"You were right, this can be funny too."
Luna: Wow we're here: the Department of Mysteries. Isn't it wonderful, all the world's most mysterious and magical anomalies in one booby-trapped labyrinth? I wanna see the Room of Death!
Luna smiled. "They were right, it is such an interesting room but I was more interested in the Room of Time."
Neville: Can we just find…
Luna: Smile Neville –snap-
Neville: Can we just find the rest of the DA before the Death Eaters, gulp, find us?
Luna: Oh! Yeah, we're on a mission.
"LUNA!" She laughed with them and pointed at the screen.
"I have my priorities properly inline as the Nargles don't muddle my brain since aI take the proper precautions."
The very last of the Death Eaters broke in and we've gotta catch them. Maybe I should turn my flash off…FLASH…oops that wasn't…
Neville: EUGHHHH!
Luna: Neville!
By now the others were laughing as Neville blushed at his portrayal. He wasn't this much of a wimp, especially at the DOM.
"Lighten up Neville, wait 'till you see how arrogant and selfish I am."
"Harry Potter? Arrogant and selfish?"
"And don't forget attention seeking too."
"Thanks Hermione." She just winked at him and turned back to their entertainment.
Don't be such a guppy. What's the worst that can happen?
Neville: We could get caught by the Death Eaters.
Luna: I think you mean killed. We could get killed by the Death Eaters. That would be a lot worse.
Neville: Oh d-d-d-d-d-d-dear.
"Do you have to smile while talking about being killed?"
"No other way to do it. Being depressing is no fun."
"If you say so."
Luna: (singing) It's been a long time coming but tonight is the end of the war my friend. Tomorrow only one side will remain. We will win or we lose the fight either way it's the end, no use to pretend. It's the final show, we gotta go, meet our destiny. This is the end!
-Death Eaters enter making noises-
Neville: Oh no Death Eaters!
"Wow, I cannot sing."
"Don't feel bad Luna. She is a professional actress and probably felt weird singing too."
Luna: Oh be merciful and kill us quickly!
"Only you Luna."
"No begging, just being polite."
Fenrir: Well, well, well, if it isn't Luna Lovegood and Neville Shlongbottom.
"Shlongbottom?"
"Uh yeah, my character gave you that nickname in our first year, sorry."
"I don't care but the in the world is a Shlongbottom?"
"No idea but it ends being hilarious."
Luna: Gasp, Fenrir Greyback! FLASH
Death Eater: Can we kill them now sir?
Fenrir: Ah, ah, ah, these two little piggies are going to make a yummy snack but not yet. For now, they'll serve as hostages. The rest of Dumbledore's Army must be here…sniff…somewhere.
Neville: You'll never get away with this, you villans!
"You tell him Neville!"
Fenrir: Oh really? You DA brats have been a thorn in our side for your six years at Hogwarts but tonight we reclaim the ultimate weapon and the Death Eaters shall rise again!
Death Eaters: (singing) Your time is running out. Where is your hero now? You can look everywhere but he's nowhere to be found.
"Oh I'm there somewhere."
"Harry, shush!"
"Yes honey."
You look to your right, you're not gonna find him. You look to your left, he's not even there! Don't even try he doesn't care about you. He's moved on! He's gone, he's gone, he's gone…this is the end!
Harry rolled his eyes at the rogue werewolf.
"Oh yeah, I've moved on? You people are the ones who can't accept that your leader has been dead for five years in this musical and you are still being defeated by a couple of teens."
"Mate, it's pretty sad actually when you put it like that."
Fenrir: Here it is! At last, finally, the ultimate artifact of evil is within my grasp! Now all of wizardom shall fall to the Dark Mark.
Ginny looked at the accurate replica of the diary and bowed her head. Harry pulled her closer to himself as he felt her stiffen.
"It wasn't your fault and just think that it's one Horcrux less we have to destroy." Ginny smiled slightly but was still anxious.
You two however, you won't be round to see the show. Oh, I've been working on this evil plan for so long. I'm starting to get a healthy appetite. Hah, and you two are going to make a nice little weirdo sandwich.
"Hey! You're the weirdo, not them." Neville looked at Malfoy in surprise at him defending them.
"Uh, Malfoy…"
"He's a friend now Neville and Luna. We've been here a few days and have become quite close since most of our secrets have been spilled."
"No problem Harry, I like having friends in all Houses."
"Guess I can't call you Looney anymore huh?"
"Oh go right ahead, as long as it in jest." Draco nodded and turned back to the musical, confusing Neville more.
With an extra side of mor…Ron. Hahahahahaha!
Ron: Did somebody say Ron?
Fenrir: No no no no no no no no no no. I said mo…
Ron: Stupefy!
"Woot! I am back and awesome! I so want that jacket."
"That's you? But you look so…so…geek-cool."
"Yeah well, you should have seen my family, they were funny."
Yes! Come on guys, let's get out of here. –run-
Together: This is the end.
Ron: (singing) Of all the fighting.
Together: This is the end.
Ron: Of people dying.
Together: This is the end.
Ron: There's no trying to deny it's gonna be us or them.
Together: This is the end.
Ron: (normal) Okay, we're supposed to meet Hermione in here.
Hermione: (in disguise) Ron, there you are.
"Why did I change?"
"No one knows."
"What do you mean?" Hermione crossed her arms and pouted. Neville just looked lost.
"That isn't the girl who originally played me the past two musicals. It's depressing actually. I liked her."
Wait a second, where are your guys' Death Eater disguises?
Luna: Neville, a Death Eater, protect me.
Neville: Take this you Death Eater! *Punch* This is for my family! *Repeated Kicks*
"Neville!"
"Eh, I wouldn't blame him except for the fact you haven't noticed Hermione."
"But great Muggle fighting skills right there."
Ron: Neville, stop, stop! Stop it that's Hermione. That's my girlfriend.
Neville: Oh d-d-d-d-d-dear…
Hermione: God damn it Ron, I think my nose got broken. What's the damage?
"In the words of my portrayed self, you are hot."
Ron: Whoa. Hermione, I mean, I don't want to scare you or anything but you look hot.
Hermione: Well, I may look different but you all should just treat me as the same old Hermione you know and love. And that goes for all of you too. *wink*
"Being a bit frisky with the crowd there Granger?"
"Only if you are there Malfoy."
Ron, is that a book? I've never seen you carrying one of those before.
"And you never will…"
Ron: No, it's a diary. We're trying to keep it away from the Death Eaters.
Luna: And it's really fun.
Death Eater: AHHHHH!
Ron and Hermione: Death Eaters!
Hermione: (singing) It's been a long time coming, but tonight is the end of the was my friend. Tomorrow only one side will remain.
Together: This is the end.
Hermione: Our time is running out.
Together: This is the end.
Hermione: Where is our hero now?
Together: This is the end.
Hermione: He is nowhere to be found!
Together: This is the end of all the fighting. This is the end of people dying. This is the end, there is no trying to deny it's gonna be us or them. This is the end. This is the end. This is the end. This is the end-this is the end-this the end-this is the end-this is the end-this is the end…THIS IS THE END!
Fenrir: I finally caught up to you little bastards!
"Took 'em long enough."
Now hand over the journal, you nerd!
"I'm not a nerd!"
"Get your paws off her!"
Struggle all you want.
Ron: Hermione!
Hermione: Neville, help me!
"Why Neville?"
"Why you?"
"Where am I?"
"Be patient Harry you are probably coming soon."
Harry: Expelliarmous!
"Told you, oh, I like the hair cut."
"I get one of those jackets too."
"Why is yours yellow?"
"I think they were trying for the gold of Gryffindor."
Fenrir: Where are you going you cretins? He's just a child!
Harry: I'm not a child anymore. I'm seventeen years old.
"And you are so proud of that fact."
"Hey, gentle ego here."
"Ron I'll beat you…"
"I'm petrified Harry."
Happy birthday to me and what better present to get than the last of the Death Eaters all conveniently in the same place, wrapped in a big bow. You made a mistake coming here tonight Fenrir.
Fenrir: You arrogant little sh…
Harry: You've been trying to kill me all year and now you threaten my friends? Let's finish this.
Fenrir: As you wish. Avada Kedav…
Harry: Jelly-Legs Jinx!
Fenrir: Oh no! My legs!
Cop 1: Freeze mother fucker, we're the wizard cops!
Cop 2: On the ground!
The teens burst into laughter. The Aurors, or wizard cops in this case, were too hilarious.
"What I would give to see an Auror actually do that!"
"I don't know what the Death Eaters would do but it would freeze them for a moment."
Ron: Hey, thanks good buddy.
Hermione: Harry!
Minister: Well chocolate frogs, Harry Potter did it again y'all.
"Isn't that Yaxley?"
"I doubt they made a Death Eater the Head Auror."
Hermione: Kingsley Shacklebolt, the Minister of Magic.
Minister: And Chief of the Wizard Cops.
Cop 1: Word.
Harry and Hermione burst into laughter at that and the others looked confused.
"A Muggle term to try and be cool."
Minister: Well, not that y'all saved the world and rounded up the last of these dark magic turkeys, I gotta ask yah…why the hell can't y'all kids just let me do my job for once?!
"Because before you, everyone was incompetent in the Ministry on the majority."
Hermione: Oh no, Mr. Shacklebolt, you don't understand. We had to stop those Death Eaters. Harry was having these visions…
Minister: Yeah I already heard the whole story from your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He's the one that let us know to come down here tonight. Come on in Alastor.
Moody: 'Ello, 'ello.
Kids: Mad-eye Moody!
"Wait, didn't he die already?"
"Yeah…no way…"
"It can't be…"
"Well it won't be if you all don't shush up and watch this." The students fell silent at McGonagall's reprimand. It was the first time she had spoken since she had arrived.
Moody: That's right. That was some fine work you done here, Potter. I taught you well.
Harry: Thanks Professor.
Moody: And you defeated Fenrir Greyback did you?
Ron: He sure did.
Moody: Nice, very nice.
Hermione: Looks like the Death Eaters were after this but we managed to keep it away from them.
Moody: And it's a good thing you did, Miss Granger. If the Death Eaters were to get ahold of that the entire world would be in jeopardy. Best hand that over to me now. I'll be sure to keep it nice and safe…
Harry: Oh, I'm sure would Professor Moody, or should I say Barty Crouch!
"Bloody hell it is him!"
"Bastard is still alive?"
"Language children."
"Yes Professor."
Crouch: Blimey! Alright *pulls out Glock* nobody move!
"What the…"
"Did he really just pull out a gun?!"
"Smart man, bringing a gun to a wand fight."
"What's a gun?" Hermione looked at everyone's confused looks sans Harry. She sighed but had trouble keeping a straight face.
"A gun is an object that shoots a metal bullet, a small projectile, at a very high speed that it is blind to the naked eye. It is very dangerous and since it is so fast, hard to stop by magic."
"Wow, really?"
"Yeah, Muggles aren't defenseless and their weapons are not easily stopped, if at all."
"Can it be stopped?"
"By another object, kinda like a metal Killing Curse except it only kills you if it hits you in the right spot otherwise it is painful."
"Ugh!"
Wands on the ground, wands on the ground…put 'em in a pile. I'm not fucking around this time.
"Hmmm…."
"Harry, no."
"Oh come on, it's different and no one would expect it and the irony….Voldemort dies by Muggle weapon." Draco and Neville snorted while Luna giggled. Ginny smirked evilly while Ron looked like he was dying he was laughing so hard.
"The world would never be the same."
Alright, alright, so Potter how did you know it was me?
Harry: I had my suspicions for a while. It was briefly mentioned Mad-Eye Moody died during my second year but I wasn't sure it was you until tonight. Now you're gonna answer for your crimes, Farty Crouch.
Crouch: Oh yeah? I've got a better idea. *grabs Minister* Nobody move a god damn muscle. Me and Mr. Shacklebolt over here are going for a little trip on the Floo Network and none of you jive-ass bobbies are gonna follow. You dig?
Minister: We dig Mood-Eye, we dig.
Harry: But Barty, if you're going on a vacation I know a first rate hotel that offers free bodyguard service and meals. It has every amenity in the world. One could live there.
Crouch: Oh really? Sounds like they require some reservation.
Harry: Nope, you don't need one…for Hotel Azkaban!
Ron: Yeah!
Crouch: Haha, Potter, always the joker. You self-righteous son of a bitch…oh what's the matter Potter?
"You are pointing a weapon at me while I'm defenseless and I know you will use it."
Afraid of a little Muggle toy?
"YES!"
"Harry, they are too stuck up their own arses to ever think about not using magic."
"So?"
Well, let's even the stakes then. *throws Minister and puts gun down* Just you and me now. Let's settle it the old fashion way, mano et mano, man to man, fist to face…come here you little bastard.
Hermione: Stupefy!
Crouch: No!
Minister: That was some quick thinking. You just saved my life.
"And ours."
"Can you fight like that Potter?"
"Not as well as my cousin but decently."
"How does he fight?"
"He does it as a sport in school, like Quidditch to us."
But that still doesn't excuse what you kids did here tonight. Breaking into the Department of Mysteries, flying threstrals right through the Queen's Day Parade, you kittens may think Dumbledore's Army can take on the world, but y'all should have called us the second you heard some funky shit was going down here tonight.
Harry: Sorry Kingsley, just didn't have the time…
Minister: You know what Potter, boy, bitch, boy Potter?! You're a hot-shot loose cannon! It's that kind of maverick attitude….that makes you perfect for the wizard cops!
"Only Kingsley."
"Yup, nice to know he will be Minister after all this Voldemort crap though."
Kids: Wow!
Minister: So what do yah say HP? You ready to join the force and take a bite out of crime?
Harry: I'd love to but I can't.
Minister: And why the hell not?
Harry: 'Cause I'm going back to Hogwarts! Senior Year starts September First.
"Oh, our last year…"
"It'll the best year ever!"
Minister: Alright, well, you're right Potter. It's a shame though, you would have made one good god damn, wizard god damn, hell of a wizard cop. Alright boys, let's get them outta here.
"What did he call you?"
"No idea but that was hilarious."
Harry: Ah, beaten again huh? You Death Eaters never learn. The Dark Lord's been dead for five years. Why do you guys keep hanging on to something that's over?
Crouch: If it's over for me it's over for you too. You see all you are is someone who fights us. Once we're all gone, the world won't need a hero anymore. If the Dark Lord can't live forever, than neither can you. *Harry hits him in the face*
"I'm pretty sure life after being the hero will be amazing!"
"Yeah, once that time gets here, I'll be happy."
Harry: Take him away.
The video ended with the kids chuckling but McGonagall was not happy.
"This is ridiculous Albus. I'm surprised you are even here Severus. I would assume you would be in the restroom moping about."
"My dear Minerva, this the last of three musicals. Just enjoy them for what they are, humor, and let the kids be kids for this time."
"I'll try but I can't guarantee anything."
"That's all I ask Minerva and have fun."