Act 1 Scene 3
Scene Three: Lights up on the smoking wreckage of the flying car, which has crashed into the Herbology Room of Hogwarts, completely destroying it.
"Ah, we crashed into the Green Houses?"
"I don't know which is worse."
Harry: Whoa, wipe out.
Hermione: Ron, look what you did.
Harry: Hey, at least we crashed into the Herbology room. I always hated that class.
"Hey, don't diss on the plants Harry."
"Don't worry Neville; I am impartial to the subject."
Let's get out of here before we get into any trouble.
McGonagall: Oh in the name of stuffy old ninnies everywhere what is going…Potter!
Trio: Professor McGonagall?!
Silence consumed the room as the teens were torn between the laughter they knew was eventually going to happen and the murderous look on their professor's face. A moment later, it was like the sound on a radio had been turned from mute to as loud as possible as the teens cracked up into laughter. The Gryffindors especially were red in the face and in tears at the absolutely horrifyingly funny portrayal of their Head of House.
"Albus…"
"Relax Minerva, you should have seen Severus and I."
"Why aren't you there?"
"We're dead, I'm afraid." McGonagall then looked lost but quickly forgot that as she saw her character, face frozen in a look of shock on the screen (31 seconds in).
"Why?"
"Lo….loose….loosen up Professor. Wait until you see Draco!"
Look what you've done to the Green House. An entire crop of Mandrakes destroyed, it'll take all year to grow another.
"Eh…."
"Potter…"
"In our defense, we haven't actually done this or probably ever will considering the car is wild in the Forest?" Ron and Harry were looking uneasy as they were glared at.
Oh and look you killed Professor Sprout.
"WHAT?!" Ron and Harry looked horrified but the others cracked up laughing.
"Wait, why am I getting blamed for all of it…Ron was driving!"
"Shut it you, it's your fault for being too cool in this musical!"
"Ron that made no sense!"
"I don't care!"
"Both of you shut it or I'll do it for you!"
You better have a jolly good explanation for all of this, Potter or I'll expel you so fast your head will spin, spin faster than a Fizzing Fancy.
Harry: Guys, guys, let me take care of this. Uh hum, Professor, this really isn't, uh, it isn't what it looks like.
"As you step over the corpse of a teacher…."
"I have no idea how that would actually happen…."
"Believe me Potter….I don't know how any of us would handle this situation."
Uh see, couldn't have destroyed the Herbology Room because um, well you see, it was like this when we got here.
"And my I can't lie….still."
McGonagall: Potter, I might not be as hip as Dumbledore was but I am Headmaster of this school now. I consider myself to be a very reasonable uptight bitch.
"No…"
"They didn't…"
"YES BLOODY HELL THEY DID!" The boys all laughed at what their teacher had said. It was too funny.
"Not as hip as Dumbledore?"
"No offense, but the Dumbledore in the musicals is quite the cool person." Said Headmaster blushed while Minerva looked surprised it was Granger who had stated this.
"I am not a…a…an uptight bitch. I am fair but strict."
"Of course Professor McGonagall." Ginny smiled sweetly at woman who just sighed in defeat.
But if you haven't got a witness to back up your story, it's out of my hands Potter.
"Hey….didn't you say something similar to me in second year when you found me with Justin and Nick after they were petrified?"
"Yes I believe I did say that last bit almost word for word."
"Creepy."
Draco: Well, well, well…
Luna, McGonagall and Neville all gasped then the two teens burst into laughter. Minerva smiled evilly and Draco gulped.
"I guess this musical isn't so bad after all." Severus smirked at her and nodded.
"I have found my own sadistic pleasure in this as well."
"Bloody professors…all evil…"Draco was grumbling under his breath.
What a fine opportunity that has fallen straight from the sky, right into my diapered lap.
"You….you…"
"Yes I bloody wear a diaper Shlongbottom."
"No need to be so pissy Drakey."
"Don't use baby name son me…." They glared at each other before smiling. The new Gryffindor had finally made progress in accepting the Slytherin.
Harry: Malfoy.
Draco: How fortuitous…that I happened to be exploring the next room with my bi-lingual friend Dora, when I witnessed the entire happenings of what happened here tonight.
McGonagall: Thank goodness Draco; can you please clear up this whole mess?
"You are going to trust a woman playing a man holding a baby doll that is supposedly bi-lingual to clear up a murder of a professor?"
"Well, weirder things have happened in this musical…like Voldemort being such a douche bag."
Draco: Indeed I can. Ah but first I would like to point out to Mr. Potter, that I now hold his fate in the palm of my tiny hand.
Ron: Malfoy you little shit.
"Again with this! Why am I a little shit?"
"Language children…honestly."
And I can assure you Headmaster; these fellows…are entirely innocent.
"Of course, you're our pal kinda person now aren't you?"
"I would think so after those last two musicals."
Everyone: What?
McGonagall: But then who is responsible for this severe property damage?
Draco: Isn't it obvious?
"No."
"Harry shut it."
Sorry old friend. It was Dora.
Harry laughed at that. Draco looked surprised.
"I can't believe this is working."
"Wizard god, this is too much."
McGonagall: Miss Explorer! I am shocked. You are coming with me immediately.
Draco: Looks like this is the end of our adventure Dora. I really did love you.
Draco/Dora: Tea mi tanbien, y…lo siento.
"Uh…what did he say?"
"No idea…I never took Spanish."
"Draco?"
"Nope, only know French and Italian."
"Great."
McGonagall: You kids have better hurry off to the Great Hall for the Welcoming Feast. Spit spot, off you go.
Ron: Shwew, that was close.
Harry: Alright Malfoy, what's the deal?
Draco: What? Surprised I could pin your crime on that saucy tart?
"What the…."
"When is doll a saucy tart?"
"When do I pin your crimes on anyone but you?"
"That wasn't helping."
I'm not denying it, I did sleep with her.
"Ew…."
"How is that even possible?"
But she's been seeing my Paddington Bear behind my back for weeks now. As you can see Potter, it's very dangerous to be one of my enemies.
"Your enemy?"
"Hands down, being your enemy is a walk in the park."
"Won't deny that."
Which is why it's such a good thing that we're friends?
Harry: Yeah right Malfoy! (pushes Draco to ground)
"You are so easy to push around."
"It's sad really."
I'll never be your friend. Come one guys. (run faster)
Draco: No…wait! (catches up) Alright now, surely you chaps remember all the good times we had at school together? Like when we battled Professor Quirrel and I destroyed that last Horcrux? Or when I travelled back in time and saved you from my evil father?
Harry: No, I don't.
"Howe do you forget something like that?"
"No idea…not the time Hermione." Hermione shut her mouth and huffed at being cut off.
I don't remember that, I was eleven.
Draco: Well then surely you chaps remember our third year. It was the most memorable and important one. We all went to Pigfarts. I did many important things that year.
"Ah we went there?"
"Who funded that trip?"
"Why would you need funding to such a ridiculous place?"
"It's on Mars," Was the resounding answer from all the veteran musical goers.
And we had so many clean jokes and good songs and nobody swore.
Harry: Oh yeah, yeah, I remember that year. Fuck that year.
"I knew it."
"You did?"
"Yup."
"Ron, I suggest we propose that idea to Fred and George to make something that forces everyone to swear when they don't want to and changes all purposeful swears into things that are absurd."
"Oh, like dragon boogies and Voldemort's nipple?"
"Oh and we can use things like Dobby's sock and unicorn turd."
"You two are idiots."
"Thanks Hermione."
Draco: Well, we've only got one year left chaps. What'd you say we bury the hatchet and enjoy it?
"Not when you're feeling up my girlfriend like that you snake."
Like good friends should.
Harry: Whatever Malfoy, just, just butt-out would yah?
Ron: As in get your poopy butt out of here.
Draco: Alright dudes…
"Poopy butt? That's all I came up with?"
"Diapered Arse sounds better."
Until next time…you hang loose.
Seamus: Bloody nuts, it's Harry Potter!
Harry: Seamus!
"That's Seamus? They do know he's Irish right?"
"I think, Mr. Longbottom, that's the point."
"Thanks Professor."
Dean: Ah, what's up, what's up, brother my brother?
Colin: My god it's Harry Potter! Mind a few pics...for the school paper?
"Is that Collin?"
"I think so… bit tall there."
Harry: Who's this?
Colin: Colin Creevey sir, first year. I just got Sorted into Gryffindor and uh, ho, I'm a big fan.
Harry: Oh is that so? That's what I like to hear. Hey, be sure to get all of my good side.
Colin: Alright, jillickers.
"Again, are we sure that you are straight Potter?"
"No, apparently not."
Harry: I can tell that kid has a long, lustrous, career ahead of him.
McGonagall: Alright children, silence, silence. Welcome one and all to another magical year at Hogwarts. Now before I introduce year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, I would like to present this year's newly chosen Head Girl Miss Cho Chang.
"Uh uh…"
"That whore did not just get Head Girl over me! Ginny?"
"Don't worry Hermione; I'll get the slut for you."
"Girls honestly!"
"Oh don't worry Professor, the real Cho is fine. This one is a slut and whore and obnoxious."
Cho: Howdy y'all.
McGonagall: Now I would have presented this year's Head Boy but sadly the young man who was chosen was murdered at the end of last term by Fenrir Greyback. So, we can't leave the school Head Boyless. So for the first time, we will present the first ever Hogwarts Head Boy Election. We have chosen two male candidates who will campaign throughout the first term at the end of which there will be a school wide vote to determine this year's Head Boy.
"Hey, that's not a bad idea actually."
"I mean we can have a list of every sixth year and after Christmas one male and one female from every House is chosen by their House to campaign for Head Boy and Head Girl. It'll be fair as well to let us choose who our highest student authority is."
"That is an idea Miss Granger."
"Awesome!"
So, the first candidate is none other than Harry Potter. (Gryffindors cheer) and Draco Malfoy.
"Of course."
"We are once again pitted against each other."
Ron: Haha Haha hahaha….Draco?
Draco: Yes, it's with a heavy heart that I accept this civic duty. Of course my vote will be going to Harry Potter, whom I believe to be the best man for the job.
Harry: Thank you Malfoy. I'll be voting for myself as well.
McGonagall: You will each be given a campaign budget of $50.
Students: Ooooo.
McGonagall: Once you've settled upon a campaign manager.
Draco: And or my campaign manager, I pick my most trusted underling…Crabbe and Goyle.
"They only count as one?"
"If that."
But…Goyle…where the devil is Crabbe?
Goyle: Me and Crabbe were in the Room of Requirement. We started a fire and…Crabbe's dead.
"Apparently you all are murderers underneath these highly suspiciously innocent exteriors."
"AH no Professor McGonagall…"
"Please, really, we aren't so bad…"
"How can you….be…..laughing?" Minerva was laughing at them as they looked confused.
"I can a joke on you all still." The teens par Luna pouted while the Ravenclaw looked at the screen.
"You all need radishes. The Nargles are zooming around your heads in swarms."
Draco: Oh….no…I was counting on his vote.
Goyle: Cheer up old friend, and take heart. I met this new guy on the train and he seems pretty cool.
Candy Lady: Candy from the trolley dear?
"Well, at least you get free candy Draco."
"Yes, but is her vote legitimate?"
"Probably."
Draco: Oh…brimstone and broil she'll have to do.
Harry: This is great. For a while I was worried but without Crabbe Malfoy doesn't stand a chance, man.
Ron: Yeah Harry you got this election in the bag.
Lockhart: Oh I wouldn't be so sure of that.
"Okay…may I say that Lockhart looks like he is actually not being made fun of?"
"I agree he looks normal."
"Weird clothes, blonde hair, obviously thinks he is better than everyone…why is he normal?"
Seamus: Bloody piss, it's, it's….t.t.t.t.t.t.t.t.t.t.t.
Hermione: (breathless) Gilderoy Lockhart.
"Ha, Seamus, bloody piss….he doesn't even know who it is."
Everyone: Oh!
Gilderoy: Yes, yes, hello ladies and ladies. (kisses Cho's hand and she faints)
"She would."
"He would."
McGonagall: Children, I would like to present this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, New York Times' best seller and all around heart-throb Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart.
"Professor, if you had been in Dumbledore's shoes, would you have hired the ponce?"
"No, Mr. Potter, I would have had the other teachers all teach a year."
"See, why couldn't you have done that instead of landing us with his idiocy?"
"I actually thought he was quite entertaining."
"Eh, you've got that."
Gilderoy: Why thank you Headmaster, you're too kind for your own good and a little too foxy for mine. (McGonagall giggles)
"Ew, does he flirt with everything?"
"I hope not, that's sick."
Seamus: That's the most famous wizard in the world that is.
Harry: Whoa whoa, guys, guys, I think you mean the second.
Gilderoy: Well Harry Potter, we meet at last. Yes, I've heard all about your heroic deeds…in the past.
"Says the guy who thought defeating the Darkest Wizard of the century as a baby was a start to fame."
"He seriously said that?"
"Yup, I wanted to punch the guy and I was only twelve."
Children: AOH!
Gilderoy: Oh didn't you kids hear? Harry Potter used to be cool.
Seamus: Used to be cool?
Dean: Whatchu talking about?
Gilderoy: I guess you've all been locked up in this horrible school for so long that you've lost touch with the real Wizarding World.
"Horrible school?"
"Lost touch?"
"Real Wizarding world?" Dumbledore chuckled. Yes, this was definitely Gilderoy at the height of his career but the parody was he was more suave and intelligent in this musical at the front so he must be truly deranged behind this mask. Wonder what his ambition is in this…
Ron: Hey but Harry just saved the real Wizarding world from real Death Eaters.
Gilderoy: Boring! I mean how sick are we of seeing Harry Potter beat Death Eater after Death Eater after Death Eater in these long drawn out episodes.
"And you can do any better you poof?"
"Harry, he probably erases his own mind again somehow." Harry nodded but then a thought occurred.
"The diary means Voldemort, means a basilisk, means Lockhart tries to defeat it. Wouldn't it be justice if he got bitten instead?"
"Oooo…that would be epic."
I mean how many years ago did the Dark Lord die…five? And here's Harry Potter still dating the same butter face girl since he was twelve.
"Oh, you did not just call my sister a butter face you two-timing perverted freak of nature!"
"Oh don't worry Ron, you can have him after I'm done turning his face into butter."
"Boys, he is in the hospital for the rest of his life…let's keep the revenge schemes to a minimum please?"
"Yes Professor McGonagall."
I mean when will it end so we can all move on with our lives?
Seamus: Yeah.
Harry: No! No, no, you're wrong Gilderoy, people love me. My adventures aren't repetitive, they're familiar and they're comforting. Besides, If the whole wizarding world isn't obsessed with Harry Potter, then what are they obsessed with?
Gilderoy: Why that would be…me. I'm telling you children, take one step off the grounds of Hogwarts and you know what they'll be talking about? A forbidden love…between a young girl and a Dracula monster. Twilight, now a major motion picture.
"Oh my, they made it into a movie?"
"Well, would it be a good thing or just one of those chick-flicks?"
"Depends on who directs it and what the cast are."
Kids: Oooooo.
Gilderoy: Yes, the world has grown weary of Harry Potter. He's nothing more than a passing fad, entirely an old hat.
Harry: Old hat? Old hat…I'm not an old…you're an old hat…how's this for an old hat huh? You know (singing) Hermione can't draw, Hermione can't draw, Hermione cannot draw.
"I actually found that song kinda catchy."
"Maybe we can make it into something we like."
"Lupin can't sing?"
"Obviously."
Cho: Harry, that's not even funny anymore. That is rude and insensitive.
"Ah, did I just get told off by Cho…on Hermione's behalf?"
"I believe you did….Welcome to Wonderland!"
"Thanks Hermione…." Said brunette stuck her tongue out at Harry as he grinned.
Harry: Wait, guys, come on…come on…come on! No delivers classical musical hijinks like your old pal HP right?
Gilderoy: Oh why anyone could strum that silly old lyre. It takes a real man to tickle the ivories.
"Both are equally difficult to learn if you have small hands." Luna stated this out of the blue and Hermione nodded.
"Piano?"
"No, the organ….wasn't the easiest getting it into our house."
"Mum and Dad tried to get me to play piano but I just don't have the dexterity needed."
(singing) Who's wiser than a warlock and tougher than a troll and charming as a candy cane? Who's faster than a phoenix, sly as a sphinx and always set to entertain? Here to give this sagging tale a hero to employ, look up at the skies, now look in my eyes. It's Gilderoy!
"I think I'm getting nauseous just listening to him."
"We all did in Second Year too."
Who's handsome as a hobbit and manly as a mare and always gives the girls a wink? Who's funny as a ferret and quick as a quill and always sings without a lip sync? Here to rid your nostrils of that dreadful Potter boy 'cause that smell in the air is the marvelous flair of 'scuse me Gilderoy!
"My smell? I choked a couple times in detention because that pompous oaf couldn't stop using cologne."
Long ago lived a fellow who caught your eye, hair that curled in a beautiful fro, now it's gone and replaced with a suit and tie, dancing in a variety show. Oh where did he go? Does he even care at all? Recently, he's been acting very queer.
Girls: Ooo ooo ooo ooo.
Gilderoy: Every day, his story grows more and more banal, and Voldemort isn't coming this year.
"Ah, what's the guy who plays me do outside of these things?" Hermione looked at Harry in surprise.
"You caught that too?"
"Yeah, the hair, the supposed job being a suit and tie but it sounds like it might be another costume. Dancing? Acting queer?" Another message flashed across the musical for them.
Darren Criss, the actor portraying Harry, is on a music-based show called Glee. He plays a teen who is gay and transfers from a private school to the public school system to be with his boyfriend. I have a video for you if you would want to see him sing outside of this role.
The teens looked at each other all nodding head.
"We can way it after the musical before we have to make our decisions."
"Yeah that would be better and then we can tease Harry more."
Gilderoy: Gilderoy is here to fill your short attention span. Why look at that wonder boy when you could be looking at a wonder man?
Kids: You could be looking at a wonder man.
Gilderoy: Who was Wizard of the Year seven times in seven year? Who was it?
Kids: Gilderoy!
Gilderoy: Who conquered all his fears and made a boggart disappear who was it?
Kids: Gilderoy!
Gilderoy: Who taught a yeti how to sing? (Gilderoy!) Walked in to Mordor and destroyed the ring? (Gilderoy!) Battles a banshee and came out a champ? (Gilderoy!) Trapped Jafar inside of a lamp? (Gilderoooy!) Stories of wonder for each girl and boy, paperback or hardback for you to enjoy, form an orderly line!
Kids: It's Gilderoy!
Gilderoy: Ladies one at a time!
Kids: It's Gilderoy!
Gilderoy: Give me something to sign!
Kids: It's Gilderoy!
Gilderoy: All sales are final. Soon the school will be mine!
Everyone: It's Gilderoy!
"Never mind….we have his agenda. He wants to rule the school."
"Bloody ponce, who so very childish of you."
"I can't believe I'm in that line."
"Nor can I believe that the guys are too." Harry looked at Ginny as she started humming.
"Really?"
"Hey just because it's about that fraud doesn't mean it isn't a good song."
"I'll one-up it in this musical."
Harry: Yeah, okay, yeah whatever that song was okay. But check, check this out. (singing with Ginny's sporadic back-up) I'm Harry Freakin Potter. I wouldn't wince at all I'm invincible…I'm…I…it's Harry…come on ow. AH oh man, what is this? Ow, oh god I feel something, it's not like a bummer. It's not even, it's like a drag but worse. What am I feeling?
Ginny: Harry, don't listen to what Gilderoy says. Everybody likes you even if nobody likes you anymore.
"I'm assuming you actually had a song that was Harry Freakin Potter?"
"Oh Neville you missed it, I gave you your nickname because of that song."
"Oh and everyone doted on him and then he got all depressing because afterwards he sings about having a home….it was quite depressing."
"I thought my comment deserves more comments." Hermione laughed while Luna turned to her first friend and smiled.
"I thought if made no sense Ginny."
"Thank you Luna! My thoughts exactly."
Harry: That's what it is. No, he's right. He's right Ginny, I'm boring. I'm predictable, I keep doing the same stuff every year and keep fighting the same dudes, date the same girl, I'm an old hat!
Ginny: Well, you know what they say about an old hat? It fits like a glove.
"That's true. Personally I don't mind having been dating the same guy for five years."
Harry: No, I gotta shake things. I gotta change everything. I gotta stay fresh, have a forbidden love of my own and then people won't forget about me, ever!
Ginny: Hahaha, yeah.
Harry: Ginny, I'm sorry, we gotta break up.
Harry tried to shy away from his angry girlfriend but as she was sitting in his lap, it wouldn't work.
"You ever break up with me over something like this…let's just say Voldemort will look like a sweet innocent fairy when I'm done with you. Understand?"
"Yes, love of my life, goddess of everything I hold dear."
"And you remember that lover boy." Harry sighed as he got away without being hit.
Ginny: Huh? Ah but….sniff…but we love each other. Don't we?
Harry: Ginny, it's not that I don't like you, it's that other people don't like me. It's nothing personal.
"And here is my fall from grace."
"Yeah, you kinda lowered the break-up standard there pal."
"Definitely made it easier on the rest of us."
"Ginny is going to flocked by the others now."
Ginny: But-but-but I need you. My body needs you!
"Ah…what?" Ron turned to glare at his best friend.
"If have even…"
"Ron shut it….obviously not as we aren't even of age. Turn around and watch the musical instead of being an overprotective prat."
I gave you five years of my life.
Harry: Yeah and they were some bodacious years. We had some great times.
"Please musical, stop digging my grave."
"Bodacious years huh?"
"It's not true! We have only been dating since the end of October!"
I will never throw out all the shit you bought me but I'm sure you will never forget how hard I rocked your world.
At this point Draco has holding in laughter while Harry and had dropped his head to hide his face in Ginny's hair. His hole was just getting deeper and deeper.
Giny: This is it? Just like this, just like bye?
Harry: Ginny, this isn't like "goodbye". It's just, "you're cramping my style."
Ginny: Well you know what Harry Potter, you suck!
Harry: Ginny, that's not fair! You know I'm self-conscious about that!
"About what?"
"Can't perform in bed Potter?"
"Draco, I have six older brothers….shut it." Said blonde gulped and decided to move towards Dumbledore and Snape in protection.
Ginny: AAHH!
Ron: What's up her butt?
Harry: Sorry man but I just broke up with your sister.
"AH great….now you get to have a go at me. Fun!"
Ron: YEAH!
"Nope, I'm back to being a dick about my sister."
Ah, ah, this is the best news I have ever heard. Oh my god, I gotta tell yah, I hated pretending to be nice to your girlfriend because I can't stand my stupid little sister. Ah, yes, ah this feels so good.
Harry: Yeah, I just hope that she's okay.
Ron: Who cares? You're a free man. You can do anything you want. Oh, you can finally go on that date with Cho Chang y'all.
Harry: Maybe I don't know. Let's first concentrate on making sure that I'm still the most popular kid in the school. Let's win that Head Boy election huh?
"AH, you still care after our argument."
"Of course?"
"You are too cute." Ginny turned and fluttered her eye lashes, causing Hermione and Luna to giggle as Harry turned red. The boys just laughed.
"Now, now, calm down all of you so we can get on to the next video in the final segment." Dumbledore looked at the time, which seemed to have sped up on them.
"After the next video we'll take a break then start back up."
AN: I am fully sorry for my long hiatus. I promise I didn't forget about the musical, it just happened to occur with starting a new job, travelling ten hours every weekend, studying for finals and other such responsibilities. I plan on getting back into the swing of things here soon as my schedule is evening out. Enjoy and I thank my loyal followers and readers for their support and the helpful comments. Though if any would like to, none of my stories are BETA'd. Starting with Musical 1, anyone is allowed to copy it, fix it then DOX send it to me if they wish. I've gotten a fair few comments on grammatical errors and if they take away from the perfection of Harry Potter than don't hesitate to notify me or change it yourself! =) Hope everyone is enjoying summer!