Michael observed Ryan doing what appeared to be nothing as he sat by Kelly's bedside. There was no emotion, no feeling, no nothing. In a way he felt sorry for his younger friend. This had to be hard, knowing that he was the reason another person tried to take their life. At first Michael had acted out of anger, but he wanted to support Ryan. He always rooted for the underdog, and Ryan was definitely that at the moment. He had no friends at the office, no one to talk to, no one to understand. Michael definitely felt sorry for the boy. He'd been the outcast too many times in his life to count, and could relate to Ryan's feelings of isolation. What could he do? He was never prepared for a crisis, even though he liked to pretend that he was. This was beyond his years' of expertise with people, and he hated himself for not knowing what to do.

So he just stood and watched. Ryan went from staring at Kelly to staring at his own reflection in the window. What must he be thinking? Knowing Ryan he must have been checking to make sure that his hair wasn't messed up. Michael smiled to himself. Same old Ryan. There was something about the youngster that reminded himself of his own person, a younger, more idealistic, a more promising Michael Scott. He realized at times that Ryan didn't care to know that, but it was true. He saw so much promise in Ryan that he had vowed to never give up on him. And if he did so now, what kind of friend, person, boss would he be?

So he cleared his throat and then Ryan looked up at him. "I didn't know you were there." Ryan said flatly, more of an accusation than anything else.

"I've only been here for a minute. I just came by to see if you needed anything. I brought you an orange juice. Gotta stay strong you know."

Ryan smiled. "thanks, Michael."

There was an awkward pause before Ryan spoke up, his voice choking. "I never ...I never meant for this to happen you know."

Michael walked over and embraced his friend, who finally began to sob in earnest. "It's okay, Ryan. Let it out. You don't have to be strong. That's why I'm here. She needs you. It will be okay, I promise."

"You don't understand..."

"I would if you tell me. I have been told I'm a good listener."

"Michael I don't know what to do. I usually like to know what's going on but I honestly don't know what's going to happen to her. What if she dies? What if she wakes up? I don't know which I'm more afraid of happening."

"Why would you be afraid of her waking up? That's what we all want." Michael slowly pulled back.

"Because then I'll know how much she hates me."

"Ryan she could never hate you. She loves you more than anyone, even more than I do."

Ryan stared at him curiously.

"I mean, nothing you ever do is wrong in her book. You're perfect. You can do no wrong. She'll wake up and she'll go back to loving you and everything will be okay again."

"Don't you see, Michael? Nothing will ever be the same. For the rest of my life I'll have this on my conscience. I'll wind up resenting her and leaving her and I'll just keep hurting her over and over again. It's like I'm caught in a viscious cycle and I don't know how to make it stop."

"Would it help if I told you that I believed in you?"

It did, but Ryan wouldn't admit that. "I don't believe in myself at the moment."

"Well buddy you better man up because this isn't about you. It's about Kelly. She needs you to be strong. Do whatever it takes for you to step up to the plate because I promise you when she wakes up you're going to be the first face she wants to see."

"What if I can't do it? What if I can't face her? Then she'll hate me and I'll have lost her forever."

"Is that what you want? To lose her forever? Because if you do now's your chance. Now's your chance to back out of whatever it is you two have going on, and it will be all on Kelly to take control of her life."

"What would you do if that were Holly in there?"

Michael smiled. "I'd hold her hand and talk to her and tell her everything. I'd tell her how much I loved her and missed her and needed her. I wouldn't leave her side until I knew she would be okay. And then, if for some reason I didn't love her, I'd let her go. Not out of spite or hate. But out of love. Sometimes leaving someone can be the best way you can show them you love them. Is that what you want, Ryan? Do you love her enough to let her go, let her go on to find love with someone else? Someone that will give her what you cannot?"

"I don't know, Michael. I don't know what I want."

"How would you feel if she were with someone else right now?"

"I don't know."

"You'd hate it and you'd hate yourself. I know that Holly's with AJ and there's nothing I can do but wait. I wait because I love her and I know that we're meant to be together. Is it easy? No, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I do it because I love her. I hope you know how much Kelly loves you. Think about that before you throw her away."

Ryan and Michael said nothing for awhile. For once, Ryan was glad not to be alone with Kelly. Michael was an idiot, to be sure, but for a moment he pitied Holly, because she was the one missing out.

That didn't make his decision any easier. Should he take Michael's advice and be with Kelly until she wakes up? Should he leave her? Or should he love her? That was the problem. He knew he should love her, but until he learned to love himself he knew that he would never be able to love anyone else. That's what seperated him from Michael, besides a few dozen IQ points. Michael may not know much, but what he believed in he absolutely believed in. Ryan wasn't like that. He may have been smarter of the two, but he didn't know what he believed in. Did he believe in Kelly? Did he believe in God? Did he believe in Michael at the moment? The thoughts started racing and suddenly he felt like he needed some air.

He excused himself and then went outside and lit up a cigerette.

"Excuse me sir, " a nurse approached him. "There's no smoking here."

He threw it down to the ground, a waste, and saw a small park a cross the street. He knew he could find some answers there, or at least hoped he could, so he went over and sat on the swing, slowly shufflinghis feet up and down. He found a place where he could be alone with his thoughts, a desperate place to be. He watched as the young mothers with their toddlers played and thought to himself that that could have been him and Kelly there with their kids. She loved kids and wanted them so badly but he kept putting her off. She only knew that she wanted to be a mother with all of her heart and he kept crushing her dreams. Who was he anyways? What made him play god with another life? If he didn't love her why did he keep going back, and if he did love her, why wasn't he in that room with her? The answers terrified him.

So he swung back and forth, tossing rocks around with his shoes as he tried to solve the big mystery of his life. Who was he, really? What did he want from his life? Most of all, did he see a place for Kelly or even Dunder Mifflin in it? What was the worst thing he could do, run away and start a new life? The thought, though crazy, didn't sound half bad as he lit up another cigerrette. He could start all over again, no babies, no crazies, no Kevin Malones or Jim Halperts or Dwight Shrutes. Most of all, there would be no Kelly, and the thought nearly broke his heart.

So he sat outside for awhile, lost in his thoughts, while Kelly lay helpless inside. She didn't deserve any of this. She was a good woman whose only crime was to love Ryan Howard. And for that, she might be damned to hell for taking her own life. This was too much! God, hell, heaven, babies, the future, a job, whereto live. Ryan honestly didn't know how much more he could take before he, too, reached his breaking point. He didn't want to use again, and he certainly didn't want to end up back in prison. But in his way, his life had become a prison. Kelly had seen to it. He went back and forth between loving and hating her and it was tearing him up. He still didn't like himself very much, so what in the world had Kelly been doing by loving him? He should have felt safe and secure, instead of turning on the one true force in his life who had never let him down. But because of his self hatred he turned on Kelly. She was the one with the problem, not him, at least in his mind. She was screwed up because she loved him. That was all there was too it. Any normal person would not love him. So he tried time and time again to push her away but she was always there, always waiting to love and accept him, and he didn't know why.

Any normal person would feel safe and secure in the knowledge of being loved by another human being. But someone with so little self respect wouldn't, could not see it that way. It was hard to accept what you did not have to give away yourself. If he liked himself he would have seen what Michael Scott saw, a bright, promising young man with the world at his feet. Instead Ryan saw someone who wasn't happy with his own life, who couldn't make someone's else's life complete because his own life wasn't complete either. Uncondtional love is a miraculous thing. If you're lucky enough to find someone who loves you for who you are you should consider yourself a lucky man. Just as Holly couldn't take that from Michael, Ryan couldn't receive it from Kelly either. Ryan was starting to see some of himself in Michael, and that scared him.

Why? Why didn't he love Kelly? That was the million dollar question in his life. Did he love her and just not realize it, or was he truly using her for his own gratification? He hadn't stopped to think about it before all of this. Now questions and philosphy were filling his mind, and he didn't like it. If there were a magic pill to make him stop thinking, even for a second, he would take it. But no pill existed, so Ryan sat in the park, tortured with his own thoughts and soul. He even envied Kelly for a minute. She didn't have to think about these things, not in the state she was in. She could just sleep away her problems, but not Ryan. He had been left behind to wonder what his life was really worth. And the more he thought about it, the more he really didn't like the answers he was coming up with.