AN: Hey everyone! Um, yeah, I don't own supernatural, unfortunately, though Sam and Dean should probably be relieved at that. I like to torture them in stories, so.. Enjoy the story! Oh! And thanks for reading and for the follows!

Day 15

Sam,

Sorry about not writing for a couple of days. I didn't mean to worry you. Hell, you probably weren't worried, all you have to do is turn the page, but still. It seems the last I said was that my shoulder was bleeding incessantly. Well, it's stopped. No more bleeding shoulder, though it took a hell of a lot of time to get it to stop.

Cas still hasn't showed. I hope he's okay. He is okay, right Sam? I guess you can't exactly answer me. I know you probably want to hear about that day and a half I told you about, but it isn't important. I was running, the gorilla-wolf swiped me, and I killed it. Its pack mate came after me then. That's the one I was telling you was still on my tail, but I killed it too.

I learned a few new things here already, Sammy. Here are the unofficial rules of Purgatory according to yours truly:

The Rules of Purgatory

Never let your guard down. It's a sure fire to be killed or maimed.

Sleep only when necessary and only if you are up high in a tree or in a nice, defendable cave.

You have to kill bambi if you want to eat.

Stay by the stream.

Playing dirty is the only way to play.

Now, Sammy, I know you probably don't approve of most of the things on the list, but I assure you that it is all true, and it is all necessary. Purgatory is bit different than Earth, it seems. Monsters don't have to sleep or eat or anything because they're just souls, but I do. However, I don't have to do these as often as I do at home. I can go a day or so without food before I begin to feel the effects, and I can go three or four without sleep before I begin to feel it much. Thirst, however, is always there. I always feel thirsty. I don't know whether it's from all the running or if it's something to do with this place, but it's there. So I make sure to always stay by the stream.

I began looking for Cas. I figure that something must have happened to him for him not to have showed up. I mean, I pray to him every night, you know? I tell him how I'm doing, ask him to come find me, and just hope he hears. I don't know if he can though. Maybe he isn't hurt, maybe he just can't hear my prayers.

Right now I'm sitting up high in a tree writing to you. I can only write before I go to sleep, and I don't sleep more than I have to. I can't take the time to stop and write any other time because I'm neck deep in monsters and running. Always running. I fucking hate running, and that's all I do here. Well, running and killing. The killing part isn't all bad, I mean, I'm still hunting monsters, so.

Don't be disappointed in me, Sam. I have to kill them. There's no grey here, no matter how good a soul may have been on Earth. It's all out kill or be killed, no in between. And no one is above cheating. If you don't play dirty, you die. If you try to be fair, you die. You try to reason, you die. Of course, I haven't died yet, so I guess you know where that leaves me.

This place is a place of all out brutal warfare, three-sixty degree combat, and they don't come at you one at a time like in the movies. If there is more than one monster, then they attack all at once. If it's a pack of monsters, then they usually have a strategy. I hate the pack monsters, because they're smart. Too smart. Freakishly smart. They organize their attacks and come at all angles, and they take turns attacking so you're always fighting, you get no break, whereas they do get a break because they're strategizing. It isn't fair, but I guess nothing about Purgatory really is. While they may have numbers on their side, I have speed and smarts. I can attack and dodge and swipe and kill without having to worry about another member of a group. I don't have anyone else to worry about. I never thought I would miss that so much.

I miss you, Sam. I miss having someone to watch my back, and I miss having to watch someone's back. I know, you probably don't want to hear me complaining, but I just can't handle this. This loneliness. I hate being alone, I always have. When you left for Standford, and wow, does that seems like eons ago, I was all alone. Sure, Dad was there, sometimes, but he never filled the gap you left. After you left, and then Dad left, I was all alone. Truly. And here I am again. No Sam, no Cas, no anyone. Nothing. Just myself and the dark forests of Purgatory.

Okay, I think that's enough self-pity for one night, yeah? Maybe it isn't self-pity though, maybe I've just reached the point in my life where I have to tell someone what I'm thinking before I go insane. Because, chances are, you'll never get to see this journal. I probably won't make it out of here. It's been over two weeks and I'm still stuck here. I don't know how you're progressing up top with getting me out, but I really hope you're closing in on the solution, 'cause I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Enough belly aching, you want to hear the story of how I killed the last gorilla-wolf that was on my tail? Okay, here ya go, Little Brother. So I was waking up after I passed out while writing to you last time, and at first I wasn't sure what woke me, so I just sorta laid there staring at the lack of sky. My shoulder was still throbbing, but I looked down and saw, thankfully, that it had finally stopped bleeding, but it still hurt like a bitch!

As I came to a little more I realized what had awoken me. A dark shadow was starting to loom over me, and it was gradually blocking out the little bit of daylight that exists here. I looked up and standing over me was the last gorilla-wolf. After I killed its partner and incapacitated this one with a blow to the head it must have caught my scent again because it was standing right over me. It bared its ugly yellow teeth and began leaning over towards me, trying to get to my throat.

It still felt like I had cotton in my head from passing out from blood loss, but as soon as I saw it leering over me, my head cleared. I don't think I've ever moved so quickly in my life. I scooted back and out from under the creature while digging out the demon blade. It followed me back almost effortlessly, and that's when I realized just how screwed I was. My movements were slow and uncoordinated while this thing moved a smoothly as a ballerina and without having to put any thought toward which limb moved when, which is what most of my thought was taken up with. Still, I managed to dig out the demon blade, and somehow, even though I was seeing two gorilla-wolves instead of one, I managed to stab it right in the eye.

The thing screamed and howled and writhed all over the place for what seemed like an eternity but was no more than a few seconds before it finally fell to the ground with a loud thump. I ripped the knife from its dead face and, summoning all the rest of my energy, I got to my feet and ran. I ran for hours, or minutes, maybe only seconds, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I got away from the dead thing lest its buddies show up and track me down too.

I'm still not sure if there are any more gorilla-wolves out there with my scent, but it's been a good five days and I haven't seen a sign of any. I have run into plenty of vampires though, which brings me to my next point. Finding Cas.

Sammy, please, please don't be disappointed in me. I already know you will be, but I gotta do what I gotta do. What if Cas is out there, hurt and alone? Am I supposed to just roll over and wait for him to show up? What if he's dying? I can't take that risk, and I don't want to lie to you, either, so I'm just going to come out and say it. I torture the vampires and werewolves and whatever else is unlucky enough to cross my path. I torture them for information on Cas.

I swore I would never torture again, because I thought for sure it would kill me, but I think sitting around and twiddling my thumbs while Cas may be dying is a more sure fire way to kill myself than torturing. I can't handle that, so I have to get information. Most of the monsters don't know anything solid, just that they knew he was here somewhere, but once I got one that had almost real information. He told me he felt Cas's presence somewhere along the stream, so that's where I'm staying. That's the second reason why I'm staying close to the stream. Cas is here somewhere.

I won't go into the details of my tortures, I'll spare you that, 'cause you're my little brother, and I know you don't want to hear about it. I wouldn't want to if I were you. I wouldn't want to know how it would be eating at my brother's soul, how my brother would be basically buying himself a ticket into Hell. But it doesn't matter, all that matters is finding Cas and getting the hell out of Dodge.

Also, I'm including the number of souls I've tortured here. I don't feel it would be right to just forget them, as much as I would like to. Torture isn't right, so maybe if I remember them, it won't be so bad. I may be able to hold on to my humanity. Over the past two weeks I've tortured three: two vampires and one werewolf.

So now I'm sitting here, getting ready to send up my prayer to Cas. Since chances are you will never see this journal, I'm gonna write my prayers down, so I don't forget. Forget what, right? I don't know, maybe I'll forget that he might be able to hear me, maybe I'll forget that this helps me as much as I hope it helps him, maybe I'll forget about him. I'm afraid I'll lose myself here, Sam, that I'll forget about you and Cas. I know, it seems ridiculous, but this place has that kind of vibe. A vibe of forgetting. Almost like Hell. I can't forget what you guys mean to me, so I'm going to include my prayers.

On the very slim chance that you find a way to spring me and I actually let you have this journal to read, you won't read my prayers to Cas. They're between him and me, no offense to you, it's just the way it is.

I feel I'm rambling now, and I probably shouldn't be. I have to get to sleep, it's been four days since the last time I slept. Like I said before, I'm safe, well as safe as one can be in Purgatory, and I'm hanging on for you. I'm not giving up yet just because it's been more than two weeks and I haven't seen heads nor tails of you, and I'm not giving up because I need to find Cas. Just Sam, please hurry. I don't know how much longer I can last in this darkness.

Dear Castiel,

It's Dean. I'm doing better now. My shoulder is almost healed, it's stopped bleeding and reopening, so that's something. I've written to Sam again. I know he's looking for us, and I have faith that he'll find a way to get us out, but first I gotta find you. If you can hear me, I'm by the stream. If you can't teleport or fly or whatever is you angels do, stay by the stream and I'll find you, Cas. I'll find you.