Ryan went to Kelly's room first thing in the morning, and nothing had changed. Not that he had expected it to. She looked so peaceful, so unaware of everything that had been going on. She looked like she was just sleeping, and he usually liked to watch her sleep. When she was sleeping there was no talking, no laughter, no pressure. He just liked to watch her at her at her quietest, because that meant he didn't have to be someone that she wanted him to be, someone that he didn't know he could be. He never found her so beautiful as he did when she was asleep. He knew he should have told her that- there were so many things he never told her, and he was beginning to wonder if he would ever get his chance.
He knew he had blown it big time. If and when she woke up she might never forgive him for doing this to her. As it was he could never forgive her for doing this to her himself. His dirty little secret was about to be revealed to the entire office- that he didn't like himself very much. All of his life he had gotten by with his looks, but underneath his pretty boy face what was there? Someone who fucked up everything he had ever touched, including this relationship with Kelly. He had never stopped before to realize that there would be repercussions for his actions, but this was his wake up call. Someone could have died because of him, and that by far was the worst thing he'd ever done.
So why did he do it? Why didn't he tell Kelly he loved her? Did he love her? Sometimes, once in awhile when she wasn't doing anything but working he wanted to tell her he loved her. That was when she wasn't trying so hard to please him. That was the natural Kelly , the one he liked best, and it was often tempting to pull her close to him and thank her for everything she had ever done. But no, he was far too selfish to do that. Something had always prevented him from opening his heart to her, and now she had killed his heart even if she hadn't killed herself.
His heart. Where did his heart lie? In the past it had been with money, adventure, travel, seeking opportunities- anywhere but with her. But seeing her in this new light was causing Ryan to reevaluate his entire life. She was a beauty, but in seeing how she had chopped off her hair, he realized that she no longer considered herself a beauty. Even with her face a mascaraed mess and lying on the floor lifeless he had begun to see how beautiful she really was. The question everyone had for him was, why hadn't he told her that?
Why hadn't he shown her how beautiful she was? He figured she would know she was beautiful if they had sex, but that apparantly hadn't told her anything. He'd been with plenty of girls, but still he kept going back to Kelly. Why was that? If he hadn't loved her why hadn't he put a stop to it before it came to this? He didn't know, and he hated himself for it.
To be or not to be, that was Shakespeare's question. To love Kelly or not to love her, that was Ryan's dilemma. What was it that was preventing him from giving his heart to only one woman. His body, he could share with just about any pretty girl that came along, but his heart, that was a different matter. He was old enough to commit, he'd experienced life, both the good and dark sides of it, and yet he continued to use Kelly and take her for advantage. He didn't know why he was the way he was, and it was driving him crazy.
He was scared to look at her, afraid that she would open her eyes and stare at him. Certainly she didn't love him anymore. She couldn't, not after what he had done to her. Could he live with that? Wasn't that what he really wanted? Didn't he want her to stop chasing him, stop loving him, stop wanting him? Now she wasn't doing any of the above, and it was driving him crazy.
She loved him, for all that he was and all that he wasn't. What kind of crazy love was that? She loved him through his drug years, his felony years, his prison years. She had put money on his books even when his own parents refused to. He had taken her money, her body, her spirit and her heart, and what had he done with them? He used them for his own self gratification. To make himself feel better about who he really was, he walked all over Kelly Kapoor, and there was no excuse in the world for it. True, it was exciting to have someone live for him, but in the end, what had happened? He wasn't there when she needed him the most, and for that he wouldn't forgive himself.
There was nothing wrong with Kelly. Any man would be lucky to have her, and he knew it. But she wanted him, and he couldn't deal with it. That kind of love put so much pressure on him, it was as if he was suffocating, and he would sometimes try to break free. But she continued to wait, continued to hope, continued to pray that he would come around. Well he was there for her now, but it was just a little too late.
There was a knock on the door, and he looked up and saw Michael. He was not alone. He was with Holly Flax. What in the world was she doing there, and why was she holding Michael's hand?
"Ryan, how are you?" Holly smiled sympathetically.
"It doesn't matter how I am. It matters how Kelly is, and she's not doing so great, obviously."
"It does matter how you are doing. It can't be easy to be you at this moment. I don't know if I could do it."
"Where's A.J.?" Ryan tried to deflect the attention from himself, even though he knew it would hurt Michael. He was hurting, so he might as well make everyone else hurt also.
"He's back in Nashua. Michael's my friend, and he was worried about you. So I came to see how things were going. I wanted to let you know that I care, Ryan." Holly placed her hand on Ryan's shoulder, which he shrugged away.
"Don't treat her like that," Michael ordered. "Out of the goodness of her heart, she came here to be with our family in our time of need, and just because you've been an ass to Kelly doesn't mean I'm going to let you be one to Holly."
"Michael," Holly said softly. "It's okay. I understand."
"No, you don't. Ryan isn't a good guy. He's a murderer. That's right, I said what we're all thinking. He's a murderer in my eyes. He killed Kelly's spirit and possibly her body. I'm with Ryan. Why are you here? He's done nothing but lie and steal and rape and kill..."
"Michael, Ryan's not a thief or a rapist or a killer. He's only human. Sometimes you fight yourself when you find yourself having feelings for someone. Loving someone is one of the scariest feelings a person can feel. It changes the world, at least it changes your world, and sometimes you're not ready to give away all of your power to another person. Love takes time. Believe me, I know."
Michael assumed she was talking about A.J. And left the room, but Ryan knew who she was really talking about.
"Do you love him?" Ryan asked bitterly as soon as Michael was out of earshot.
"Who, A.J.? Of course I love him. He's my boyfriend."
"No, I mean Michael. It's obvious he loves you. He loves you the way Kelly loved me. All that stuff about love- you were talking about you and Michael, weren't you?"
Holly's face turned red. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"You know it and I know it that Michael loves you. He only loves you. You say you love someone else and it's killing Michael but he's waiting for you. He believes in true love, the way Kelly does. The only difference is it's not him lying here, it's Kelly. I'm not one to give advice, not that anyone would listen, but I think you should listen to yourself before lecturing anyone about love," Ryan finished.
"He really does love me, doesn't he?" Holly replied quietly.
"He feels this connection with you that he's never felt with anyone before. I think Michael's a pretty lonely guy. He tries too hard to be funny, to make friends, and it never works out for him. He tries too hard to win you over, and that hasn't worked out for him either. It's kind of like Kelly. She tried too hard to make me love her and guess what? That scared me away. I may or may not get a second chance with Kelly, but you have a second chance with Michael, right in front of your very eyes. Don't let Michael become a Kelly, Holly." With that, Ryan turned around to softly stroke Kelly's hair out of her eyes.
Holly couldn't believe what she had heard. Was it possible that she loved Michael, not A.J, and that she was just scared of her feelings for him? She'd never stopped to think about it before, but it kind of made sense. Michael declared his feelings of love for her almost from the start, that's why she ran to A.J. But even with A.J. She never felt what she did when she was with Michael. She expected too many things from her boyfriend, apparantly she was expecting him to be Michael Scott. Wow, she thought. She needed a bit of fresh air to gather her thoughts.
She went outside and found a park bench to sit on. Was Ryan right? Was she scared of loving Michael, someone who loved her so much? She sure didn't want to be a Ryan. She didn't want to be the one who pushed another human being over the edge. This was almost too much for her. She began to hyperventilate, when Michael came along and pushed her hair aside to allow her space to breathe.
Without saying another word, Michael took her hand and they sat quietly in silence. Something had changed, even Michael could sense it, but he was scared to put into words what they were both feeling. Maybe Ryan was right. Something could be said about silence. All Michael knew was that Holly had come to him when he needed someone the most, and here she was holding his hand. They had something special, but he was afraid to jinx it. He didn't want to be a Kelly and force his will on someone who resisted. His method was to wait and be patient and love from afar, and for the first time in his life he believed that luck and love might be on his side.
The thought popped in his mind, what if Holly did love him? Then what would happen? His whole world as he knew it would change. He would get what he wanted, just as he did with the regional manager position, by being patient and waiting and hoping and believing the best in people. He wasn't a smart man, but he knew enough to know that people understimated him, and that the best things in life were worth waiting for. Maybe that's why this whole thing with Kelly had shaken him to the core. If it wasn't in the cards for Ryan and Kelly, what did that mean for himself and Holly? That love didn't mean anything, that it could be tossed around so casually without meaning the same thing for two people. He didn't want that. He wanted love, real love, the way Kelly did, so maybe that was why he was rooting for her so much. He was angry with Ryan, but he was also watching him closely. Maybe a miracle could happen and Ryan would realize that he did love Kelly after all. That would be a good thing. That would mean the same could happen for him and Holly, and that's all he ever wanted. That wasn't too much to ask for, was it?