Breaking Down

(General POV)

Kotoko pulled back and saw her own guilt multiplied thousand times and reflected on Naoki's eyes. The eyes that she has always seen to be shinning were empty except from the guilt right now. The hands that she has always found strong were now shaking in her hands. The Irie Naoki who was always calm and composed was now in the verge of breaking down in front of her. She felt her breath caught in her throat.

"Irie-kun... I am so sorry Irie-kun."

"You shouldn't be the one to say that. It's my fault that I failed to make you trust me or to reach out to me in your need. It's my fault that you did not find me worthy enough to share your pain… your... your illness..."

Kotoko who was shaking her head right to left vigorously while he was speaking, put a hand on his mouth to stop him saying any further.

"Irie-kun, don't say that. You never failed me in anything. Nothing was your fault." She cupped his face and pulled his face closer to plant a kiss on his forehead. He closed his eyes as he felt her lips on his forehead. She again hugged him moving closer.

"Please don't ever think any of it was your fault. It's not your fault that I'm ill. I just didn't want to come in your way. You were doing an important thesis at Kobe. If I have told you, knowing you, you would have left everything behind and returned straight back home with me that night. I just didn't want to take your dream away from you." She said softly.

"You clearly don't know what means everything to me then. You clearly never realized that you are everything to me. Everything that I ever dream about. You're everything that I care about. Everything that I..." He stopped dead and stiffened in her embrace. Everything she just said finally sunk in to him and he realized something finally.

She... She did try to tell me after all. She did want to tell me.

That night... In Kobe... It was around the time when she was diagnosed according to the dates on her reports. That... that white file... that white file...

"Irie-kun?" Kotoko slightly pulled back to look at him to understand why he stopped speaking or got stiffened.

"That... white file... in Kobe that night... What was the content inside?" He asked the question dreading the answer.

Kotoko immediately realized the mistake of mentioning about that night. She tried to cover it up quickly.

"That was about the nursing stuff. Just an excuse to see you. Nothing important." She completely forgot that she told him earlier it was her Neuroshia patients reports she wanted him to see.

Naoki slowly pulled away further from her warm embrace. He stared blankly for a short moment then got up from the bed. He was palpitating. His lungs seemed to get deprived of oxygen as his breathing became more uneven.

Reports of her Neuroshia patient... It was her reports!

Naoki swallowed hard. Memories of that night started to flood back in his mind.

.

*** 'Irie-kun, are you busy? You didn't reply my calls.'

'Of course I'm busy Kotoko! What do you think I'm doing here? Did you check the time? If you were going to come why didn't you come in the day?' …

… 'Umm... I needed to do an assignment.'

'Great. So you have done your study. What about my exam? Didn't I tell you I have exam from tomorrow?'

'I just needed you to see this.' That white file!

'Which part of do not disturb me with the unnecessary things during my exams did you not understand Kotoko? I clearly told you my exams were coming and that too will start from tomorrow. You arrive at my door step this late, in the night before my exams and you expect me to help you with those... whatever they are? Yes I know I don't answer much of your calls. But do you think I'm just fooling around here? I'm working hard and studying at the same time so that I can finish all my work here as soon as I can to return to Tokyo. But look at you. What are you doing? You promised me you will do everything you need to do to pass your exams and get here. But you still fail your tests and instead of staying home studying you are wasting your time here.' ***

.

No no no no no... Please no... Please tell me I didn't say those harsh things to her that night... When she went to tell me about her condition. No. Naoki closed his eyes, shaking his head in denial of his own memory and stepped back.

"Irie-kun?" Kotoko called out and started to get down from the bed too.

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*** 'Irie-kun this is...'

'No excuses Kotoko. I don't want to see you in Kobe again unnecessarily. You said you were okay with me moving here. You said you wanted me to do well in my career. You said you will come around on your holidays. You promised you will study hard and pass your national exam within this year.'

'Irie-kun I really meant all this...'

'Your current action doesn't show that. If you keep pushing yourself on my way and make me worry about you 24*7, how do you think I will do well here? You are going to be a nurse. You need to start to think by yourself. You need to do your works on your own. You need to be independent to let others depend on you. If you are going to be a nurse, all your patients are going to depend on you. Do you understand how serious this is? If you think this profession is a joke then you should give up immediately. You are going to be dealing with lives and that's not going to be a joke. Do you understand?' ***

.

No please no. Please I never meant to say any of it. Please let me take it back. Let me turn back to that time. Let me erase those moments. Let me remove the pain I made you go through. Naoki stepped back further fisting his hands.

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*** 'I'm so sorry... Irie-kun. I really didn't mean to intrude.'

'I will work hard from now on. I promi... well I seriously promise that again. I will start doing my works on my own. I won't ask for your help again.'

'I... I actually never thought how hard you work here. Maybe because you are a genius, your hard works are taken for granted... even by me. Trust me, I will be the happiest person for the every success you achieve. I would never want to come in your way. I will try to make it up to you... for today... for every time. I am really sorry.'

'These papers are not really important. I actually miss you a lot.'

'Well you should get back to study. I am really sorry. You must have a headache now. Do you want coffee? Shall I make you some?' ***

.

Don't say sorry. Don't be sorry. I'm not a genius. I'm just a nothing… nobody… You should not be sorry to a nothing like me. Those papers were important… a lot more worth than me. Don't put them behind me.

It was my fault. It was all my fault. I stopped her from sharing this with me. I didn't just stop her that night. I made sure with my words that she never tells me about it. I literally pushed her away from me… When she needed me, I turned my back on her. I left her alone... to suffer…

Coffee? She made me coffee after what I did to her. Her heavenly coffee... I drank that coffee to calm my senses not knowing what I did to her. Not knowing that I destroyed the little hope she had on me. I enjoyed her coffee while she probably died a hundred deaths that night.

Naoki's legs finally gave up and he slumped down to the ground on his knees. He wailed out in pain covering his face with his hands.

"No… no… no…" He probably uttered that hoping his memory was deceiving him. He didn't want it to be true.

Kotoko who was watching him with concern saw him finally break down completely in front of her. The thin thread inside him which was holding him together until now finally snapped. She rushed to him causing her head to become dizzy but she shook it off.

"Irie-kun... Irie-kun, are you okay?"

Naoki didn't dare to look up or reply anything. He was too ashamed... too guilty to respond anything to her. How can he meet her eyes again? How can he tell her to trust him... to count on him ever again? It's entirely his fault that she had to go through all this completely alone. It's entirely his fault that she had been suffering all alone. It's entirely his fault that he was never there for her. Even when she reached out for him, he pushed her away harshly.

"Irie-kun..." Kotoko begged him to look at her but he refused. His hands were shaking uncontrollably at this point. Kotoko knelt beside him and put a hand on his shoulder. When Naoki didn't look up she put her hands on his face and forced to look up at her.

"Ir... Irie-kun!" She mumbled.

Tears were filled in his eyes. The immense pain and guilt he was experiencing already now had reached to another new level. He closed his eyes when a few drops fell on his lap. Kotoko's felt her heart break seeing him in so much pain. She felt that the pain that she caused him now was nothing compared to anything he did ever.

Whenever he had hurt her in the past was always unintentional. Most of the time he didn't even realize he was hurting her because falling in love was something foreign to him. At least after they got married, he did try his best to make her happy in his own way.

But Kotoko knew from the start that the truth will hurt Naoki a lot. Probably she couldn't fathom the amount of pain he will suffer, but she knew he will suffer. Although she didn't think she will keep it quiet for so long. At the start she was determined, yes, but somewhere deep down she knew she will end up telling him within a few months. After all, she had never hidden anything from him. But once she started her fight alone... she kept going on... never stopping... never looking back... Now when she looked back... It's already over a year... Such a long time has passed and she still managed to keep it to her… keep it secret from her other half.

No wonder he was hurt. Probably he was more hurt than combining all the times that Kotoko was hurt. Probably...

"Irie-kun..." Kotoko nearly threw herself on him into a hug. He fell down on his bottom unable to balance himself with Kotoko's weight on him.

"I never meant to hurt you. At first I believed I will be cured really soon. I wanted to tell you after getting stable in the treatment. But the treatment went really fine and I kept on delaying informing you. I delayed so much that in the end I just didn't know how to confess to you anymore." She sobbed loudly.

Naoki couldn't voice any word but he didn't want Kotoko to feel bad for him anymore so he hugged her tightly and patted her back trying to sooth her pain.

"Don't… don't say anything… You don't have to be sorry for anything." He finally managed to say in a broken voice.

"Irie-kun…" More tears spilled from her eyes.

"You tried to tell me at Kobe. It was I, who closed my eyes and didn't see your pain. It's all my fault." He gulped.

"No Irie-kun… Please, please don't blame yourself."

"I'm here… I'm here now. I'm here for you. I will always be with you. I will never leave you alone again. I promise you Kotoko." He pulled away and looked right into her tearful eyes. His own eyes were still teary.

"You promised me before you will never leave me. You can't ever break that. And today I promise you that I will never let you break that promise."

Kotoko smiled very softly while tears never stopped falling.

"I will do whatever it takes and defeat everything that threatens to separate you from me. I will never let anything to take you away from my side."

Kotoko didn't need Naoki to tell her specifically to understand that he was talking about Neuroshia. She cupped his face removing the traces of his tears using her fingers.

"I love you Kotoko. I love you so much." Naoki's eyes were moist.

Kotoko slid even more close to him and smashed her lips on his in a kiss. Naoki immediately kissed her back. They kissed each other passionately from deep inside their heart. They put all the hope… all the despair… craving… need… frustration… sadness… and every other possible emotions that they were feeling right at that moment into their kiss. They kissed showing how much they needed each other. They kissed trying to sooth each other. They kissed to pick up all their broken pieces and trying to put them together. They kissed like the world has ended. They kissed like there was no tomorrow. They kissed for the new beginning…

A/N: There goes the most awaited chapter.. But why do I feel soooo sad. I can't believe I'm hurting Naoki so much.. :( But again he deserves it right?

And everyone- I really can't thank you enough. You guys are wonderful. You really inspire me and make me want to write more. Thank you sooo much really.. :)