I do not own Supernatural.

I know this is a short chapter and it's been awhile since I have updated, so I apologize. This is mostly a filler chapter and it was very forced. The next one will be much more interesting; Benny will be coming!

Day 50-something

Sam,

I know you're probably wondering how in the world I am even writing to you right now, and I have to say that I have no idea how I am. How I didn't die after the last time I wrote to you. I could sit here and think that maybe it was Cas, hope that it was Cas, but when it all comes down to the bottom line, I know it wasn't him. I know what Cas feels like, his healing powers, the way I always feel afterwards, as if I have been purified. I didn't feel like that, so I know it wasn't Cas.

When I woke up God knows how much later after writing to you, I just felt dirty. I felt violated, even. There's no better way to describe it than that, so whatever fixed me up wasn't good. It's been quite a few days since that time, so I have stopped searching for whatever healed me. My best bet would be Purgatory itself, though I know it doesn't make sense, it makes the best sense. What else, other than Cas, has the power to heal? None of the monsters here do.

I don't know why Purgatory wouldn't just let me die. I really wanted to, in a way. I mean, who wants to live here? In this place? It's dirty, smelly, and bloody. It's just not a good place to be. I'm glad, however, that it's me here and not you. I don't know how I would have been able to handle it knowing you were here, so kudos to you if you are handling knowing I'm here. Do you even know I'm here? If I'm going to be honest with myself, then you probably don't know, and that's okay. You're a smart kid, you'll figure it out. I have all the faith in the world in that.

Man, right now I could seriously go for a cheeseburger. Eating Bambi and Thumper is getting old fast. Mmm, what I wouldn't kill for a cheeseburger with bacon and a fried egg on top, fries, and a beer. Yum. I better stop while I'm ahead, I'm making myself hungry.

I miss the everyday things about home. I miss being able to jump in the impala and just grab a burger, being able to just hop on the computer and find out whatever I need about a monster, or even having to do laundry. Yeah, laundry. I fuckin' smell, dude, and not in the good way either.

So, on a darker note, I have battled more monsters in the past two weeks than I have in my entire life put together. I don't know what's goin' on here, Man. They're all just comin' at me out of nowhere and they're comin' in droves. It's not just one at a time anymore, even the vamps are attacking in packs. Maybe I'm just that good. I think I've got them scared, Sammy. How fuckin' awesome is that? I'm the thing the monsters are afraid of. And damn, does it feel good!

Sammy, I know we were some pretty big shit up top, and you probably still are, but I mean, these monsters are scared. They are so fucking scared that they feel the need to attack lowly old me in a pack. They're too afraid to try to take me one on one. I've made quite the reputation for myself here. It'll be a shame to leave it behind, to have to face monsters that aren't necessarily afraid of me. But I guess I'll just have to show them up top, too, who Dean Winchester really is.

It's gotten easier living here. No more enjoyable, but easier. Okay, maybe I was lying about the enjoyable part, because I fucking love this. Not the dirt, heat, and smell, but the hunt. I love being a predator. I feel like a lion, like the king of the world. I'm the monster that they check for under their beds before they go to sleep, so to say. I've gotten the hang of balancing running and fighting with hiding, so I'm not constantly exhausted anymore. I've figured out when and where it's okay to sleep without putting myself at risk. And, because I'm not so tired anymore, I don't make as many mistakes and, therefore, don't get injured as much. I'm always bloody, though. I can't wash the smell of blood away, no matter how hard I try.

I still haven't found Cas, though I've been looking. The son of a bitch knows how to hide, I'll give him that. I still pray to him, I guess because I hope he'll find his way back to me, but maybe it's for my own sanity, like writing in this journal is. I think I'd go insane if I didn't have somewhere to put down all my thoughts, so thanks, Sammy, for being here for me.

I give Cas updates on my general well-being and tell him how shitty my day was, while I ask where the hell he is and what the hell he's doing and why the fuck isn't he here with me? I don't know if I'll ever get a reply, or if I'll ever see him again. Oh, God, do I hope that's not the case. He's my best friend, my only friend, really. I can't go through that again, him being gone. I can't do it again. When I thought the Leviathans killed him, it was bad enough, but to know he'd still be alive in here, in monsterland? No, I can't do that. So I've stopped searching for a way out. I'll start again once I find Cas. I refuse to leave here without him, because as much as I hate to admit it, I need him. I really do. I don't expect you to understand, because when he raised you from Hell he forgot an important piece, but he is everything to me. Not like you are, he's different.

God, I sound like a fucking girl. Talking about how I need someone, let alone that that someone is male and not you. It's perfectly okay if I say I need you, you're my brother and that should be obvious, but he's just an angel. He isn't even human. But maybe that's the point, I don't know, I don't like reading into this stuff. He's my friend and I hate being without him, nothing more, nothing less. Even when he went power-crazy and became God, I still had faith in him that he would fix it, because it's Cas, and how could I not have faith in him? After everything he's done for us? For me?

I can't leave him here, Sam. I know I already said that, but I just can't. I can't let him down again. I can't leave him behind again. I can't fail him again. He's my only friend and all I have done is fail him again and again and I refuse to do it again. I'll get us out of here, even if I die trying. It's the only thing I got right now. Cas is the only thing I have that will get me out here, because I won't leave him again. I'll stay here, ad libitum, until I find him.

Cas,

It's me. Again. Listen, I'm doin' good, I've got it all figured out. I want to know how you're doing. I want to know if you're hurt or what. What is going on, man? Why aren't you here? I'm looking for you, Cas, and I'm not leaving here without you. Just stay put, wherever you are, and I'll find you, buddy. I'll find you.

Review and let me know what you think! I hope it wasn't as awful as I think it is.