Ch 17

Ryan wasn't so sure he was looking forward to the next session. After all, the doctor had been pretty brutal with him, and he didn't like confrontation. But he had promised Kelly he would do this; he owed her that much. It just wouldn't be easy. In a way it was easier than before she woke up, when everyone just assumed the worst in him. True, there had been moments of kindness, like when he had crashed at Michael's or when Holly talked to him. But he knew everyone was judging him, watching him to see how he treated Kelly. That was a lot of pressure to deal with.

"Hi Ryan!" Kelly greeted him with a hug and she snuck in a kiss. He didn't resist, but he had his eyes open, watching the doctor's response.

"Hi Kel. How are you today?"

"I'm better now that you're here." she giggled.

"Kelly," Dr. Riggs reprimanded her. "You're supposed to want to try to feel okay whether or not Ryan is here. That is something we talked about last night after he left."

"I know but can't I just show him how happy I am to see him?"

The doctor sighed. Kelly had a long, hard road ahead of her.

"Ryan, tell me, have you learned anything from our last session?" Dr. Riggs asked.

"I don't know. I mean I guess it all hasn't sunk in yet."

"But you promised me you'd commit to me! That there'd be no other girls!" Kelly protested.

"Kelly, you will get your chance to talk. Do you really want something that you have to force out of someone, or is it better that they offer it to you freely?"

She folded her hands against her chest and shut up.

"Kelly I did learn that I care about you a lot. I wouldn't be here today if I didn't. Yesterday was hard for me, I learned some things about myself that I don't like. When you woke up I assumed it would be you that had to change but I guess there are some things about myself that I need to change as well. I'm not blaming you for anything," he reassured her as if he could read her mind. He knew her well enough to know that she was more than willing to take the blame for everything that had gone wrong in their relationship, and that wasn't fair. That was one thing he would like to work on, and so he told the doctor that.

"Why would you like to see Kelly stop blaming herself for everything? That's curious. Be as honest as you can."

"Because I know it's my fault that she's in here."

"Did you give her those pills?"

"No but I might as well have. I did everything but pour them down her throat. I neglected her, I used her, I abandonded her. I don't know why she still loves me."

"But don't you see, you haven't abandoned her. You're here, aren't you?"

With that, Kelly smiled. "Yes, he's here. That tells me a lot about him."

"What does that tell you, Kelly?"

"That he loves me! That he promises to change. That he sees a future with me."

"Is that true, Ryan?"

He sighed. "I don't know. I don't know what I'm feeling. I know what Kelly wants me to feel. I know what you want me to feel. I just don't know how I actually feel."

"How does Kelly want you to feel?"

"She wants me to feel like I've changed, that I can be the perfect boyfriend. I'm not the perfect boyfriend and I wish she would stop seeing me that way."

Kelly started to cry again. "I can't help how I feel, Ryan. I can't help that I love you. Is that a crime? If so you might as well lock me up forever."

Dr. Riggs looked at Kelly. "It is true that you can't help loving Ryan. But what you can help are your expectations of him. If they don't change then the relationship won't change."

"But I don't expect much of him."

"Maybe you should. Maybe he should be accountable for his actions or his inactions."

Kelly tried to dry her tears, the tears that had been building up for years. "I don't expect him to marry me and give me babies if that's what you mean."

"Why don't you expect that? Lots of healthy women expect marriage to come from a relationship. Maybe it's possible that you're not seeing what this relationship is really offering you."

"What is it offering me?"

"That's what I'm asking you."

Kelly stopped to think about it. "It's offering me a chance to be someone that I can be proud of. I'm proud of how well I treat Ryan. I'm proud that I can be happy for the first time in a long time."

"But are you really happy?"

"Yes!" Kelly insisted. She looked at Dr. Riggs and then at Ryan. "you make me really happy."

"So that's why you tried to kill yourself, because you're so happy?" Dr. Riggs challenged. "It's okay to be sad. It's okay to not be happy with things. If Ryan thinks you're happy then he's never going to change. This is your chance, Kelly. Tell him how you really feel. You're safe here. What's the worst thing that can happen?"

"That he'll tell me that he doesn't love me."

"And then what? Are you going to try to hurt yourself again?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me that? I said I wouldn't do it again."

"Do you believe her, Ryan?"

He shook his head. "Honestly, I don't. I think that if I tell her how I really feel she's going to try something stupid again, and I couldn't live with myself."

Kelly stared at Ryan. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

"I just don't think I can be truthful because I don't want to hurt you anymore. I'm tired of the lies, the games, the hurt, the tears. I don't want to be that Ryan anymore."

"Who do you want to be, Ryan?" Dr. Riggs asked.

"I want to be the kind of boyfriend that Kelly deserves. I don't want to cheat on her anymore. I don't want to use her when it's convient for me. I want to show her how I feel about her."

"How do you feel about her?"

"Yeah, Ryan, how do you feel about me?"

"Are you ready for the truth," Dr. Riggs asked. "Because everyone knows the truth hurts."

"I'm ready. Please tell me, Ryan, how do you feel about me?"

He took a deep breath. "I care about you. I care more about you than I ever have any woman, and that's the truth. But all of your expectations are driving me crazy! I can't be perfect. Everyone at work thinks I think I'm perfect, but that's not the truth. That's not who I really am."

"Why don't you tell Kelly who you really are?"

"Because," Ryan sighed. "If I tell her who I really am she won't love me anymore and then she'll leave me. They always do."

Kelly took his hand. "I would never leave you. I'm not like any other girl you've ever been with."

"Ryan, do you believe her?"

"I'm starting to, but I'm not sure."

"Trust is a two way street. Kelly trusts you enough to let you sit in on some of her sessions and hear her most innermost thoughts. Do you feel the same about Kelly?"

He thought about it for a few minutes. "I do."

Kelly grinned in delight.

"Kelly don't get ahead of yourself. Remember, he just told you you might not like him after you hear what he has to say."

"Nothing could change the way I feel about him," she responded confidently.

"That's just it!" Ryan stood up. "You say that, but do you mean it? What if I told you I was the Scranton Strangler? Would you still love me then?"

"Are you? Oh my God that makes sense, your double life, your lying... "

"Kelly I'm not the Scranton Strangler. I just used that for an example."

"Oh."

"Kelly, I'm not where I want to be in life. Do you think that I'm proud to be in my thirties and am a temp at a paper company?"

"But you're so good at it."

"Only you think that I am. And Michael. But that's a different story. Everyone who really gets to know me knows how lazy I am. I don't try. I cheated at corporate. I took drugs. I use you. I always take the easy way out. That's one reason I don't commit to you, because I don't like myself very much."

Dr. Riggs looked at Kelly. "Are you surprised to learn this about Ryan?"

"Yes. Because he always seems so sure of himself. Even in his YouTube video of his arrest he seemed so confident, so sure of himself. I thought he kind of looked sexy."

"You thought I looked sexy being arrested?"

"Sorry but it's true."

"Let's get back to the topic on hand. Ryan can't love anyone because he really doesn't like himself. Now what do you think about him, Kelly?"

"I think he just doesn't see what I see."

"What do you see?" Ryan asked.

"I see someone so goregous, so smart, so funny. I always have a good time with you- when I'mn with you."

"Ryan do you see yourself that way?"

"I think I'm okay looking. I think I act like I'm smart, and if I'm funny it's only because Kelly thinks I am."

"Ryan, what would you think if Kelly stopped thinking of you that way?"

He didn't know what the doctor would think of him if he told the truth. "I might feel a little relieved. A little sad, but a little relieved, that some of the pressure was off of me in the relationship."

"Don't you see, Kelly, Ryan feels pressured in the relationship. Did you just hear him?"

"I don't mean to pressure him. I just love him so much."

"Do you care that he's hurting, just as much as you are?"

"Of course I do."

"Then why do you put that kind of pressure on him? A man can't be your everything, Kelly."

"Oh my God, so it's my fault Ryan doesn't like himself, when all I've ever done is love him for who he is."

"But we just discovered that you don't really know who he is. So how can you love someone you don't know?"

For once, Kelly Kapoor was speechless.

"Are you saying I don't love Ryan?"

"I believe you when you say you do," Dr. Riggs replied.

"So where do we go from here?" Ryan asked anxiously.

"Ryan, what if she realized that she didn't really love you? How would that make you feel?"

"I dont' know. I can't picture a world where she didn't love me."

"Try."

"I would feel lost. I guess I wouldn't know who I was anymore."

"But you see, you don't know who you are with Kelly, so what difference would losing her love have on you?"

"I don't know. I know that I don't want her to stop loving me."

"I think you mean that you would like her to love you."

Ryan and Kelly both said at the same time," Excuse me?"

"I have no doubt that you have feelings for Kelly. Strong feelings even. But would I call what you two share love? No."

"Then what do we have?" Kelly asked, confused.

"A strong physical attraction, a mutual agreement that Ryan gets to behave however he wants without any consequences, and that you'll always take him back, no matter how badly he treats you. Does that sound very healthy to you, Kelly?"

She looked at the doctor, then at Ryan. It was almost as if she were looking at him for the first time.

"Is that what you signed up for, Kelly?" the doctor echoed.

"No. I signed up for love, real love, and if Ryan can't offer it to me, then maybe I need to find someone who will love me."

The way she said that terrified Ryan. He'd been forced to imagine a world without Kelly, and it had scared him. Now he was facing a world where Kelly existed, but didn't love him anymore. And that thought terrified him.\