After her session with Dr. Riggs, Kelly sat down in front of the mirror and took a long close look at what she'd seen. Okay, so she wasn't Kate Middleton, but she wasn't ugly either. For so long now she'd become accustomed to thinking that her looks were the reason why Ryan didn't love her, but now she was beginning to question her thinking. It wasn't just her looks she was questioning- she was questioning her whole damn relationship and her identity. For so long she was so wrapped up in being Ryan's supposed girlfriend that she'd forgotten who she was. Who was she, really? She'd been given an assignment to come up with ten things she liked about herself. She tried for two hours to come up with the first one, but was finding it impossible. Finally she sat down and began to make her list.

I have a nice ass- Ryan told me that

I throw awesome parties

I look awesome in pink

I can be funny and fun to be around

I'm loyal to my friends and coworkers. For that, she thought of Toby, whom she knew no one liked but she liked him anyways.

I can sing kareoke. That made her a lot of fun to be around

My looks are unique- there aren't too many people who look like me

I was a good sister – I am a good sister

I kick ass at work

I would make an awesome barbie doll.

She stopped to look at her list, and for a minute she actually believed them about herself. She thought of how much fun she used to be, until she became Ryan's "girlfriend". She didn't know when or why or how that stopped, but she would give anything to be that Kelly that she used to be.

She hated Ryan for taking those things from her. He ruined her life. She probably would have been better off if she had died, but fate intervened, and she was around for a reason. She needed another reason to live besides Ryan's love. Maybe she could live to make his life miserable, the way Jim did to Dwight. That always seemed like so much fun.

No, this couldn't be about Ryan. For too long it was all about him, but she couldn't go back to who she was. She hated the fact that she could have died. She hadn't even thought about what it would have done to her family, her poor parents had already lost a child. Her friends might have missed her. Michael Scott...she vaguely remembered him being there, and it seemed liked he cared. He was a little creepy but knowing that someone, anyone, cared about her made her feel a little bit better about herself.

Her work life hadn't been so bad. For so long it had been her, Ryan and Toby, and they ignored him and engaged in quite a few make out sessions at work. She knew that Toby overlooked that, so that made him kind of cool. How many jobs could you make out with your coworker and not get fired? Plus she knew that she kicked ass at what she did, so that made her feel a little better.

It was funny, she was starting to miss Dunder Mifflin, a thought that she never thought that she would have. For so long she lived for Ryan that she missed out on how much fun her job could be. They threw parties like every other week, and other than that bitch Angela her coworkers weren't too bad. Andy could make her laugh sometimes, and Jim and Pam were awesome. Dwight was a nerd but at least he knew he was a nerd and was happy with who he was. Kelly smiled as she recalled the time she drunkenly kissed Dwight. Not her proudest moment, but you only live once, right? Kevin was okay, he was a little off but he didn't bother her. Ryan, he made fun of, but Ryan kind of deserved it. That thought made her laugh. It was okay for Kevin to make fun of Ryan but if anyone else had tried it she would have killed them.

And Michael's obsession with Ryan was a little-weird. She could understand it though. Ryan was totally cute. The problem was that he knew it, and didn't think about how his actions affected others. Listen to me, she thought, all this analysis is getting to my head. And I do have a head. I just act on my heart instead.

What she wouldn't give to be the love of Ryan's life. But come to think of it, was he that great of a catch? Really all they had in common was sex, and she always felt a little empty afterwards. Something was missing that she'd never really stopped to think about before. It was love. That's what was missing. There was a difference between having sex and making love, and apparently it was obvious what she and Ryan had been doing. She hated herself for that. How low had she sunk to be at someone's beck and call?

As much as she wanted to hate Ryan, she couldn't quite bring herself to do it. She knew deep down that she loved him, even if she was angry with him. But whether or not she could be with him again, that was another question. There were dudes here at the funny farm that would give her the eye, and she would feel attractive. Not that she would do any of them, but still it was nice remembering that she had it going on. Kelly felt naked without her makeup, but in a way it was good for her to go without it for a while. She could finally take a good hard look at who she was, and decide whether or not she was going to love her anyways. Maybe even without her makeup she wasn't so bad. She had always worn makeup around Ryan. During the past few sessions they were the first time Ryan had ever seen her without it. A year ago she would have died rather than let him see who she really was, but now she didn't care. She almost died because of him, and if he wanted to judge her for not wearing makeup then who needed him?

She did, that was who. It didn't matter what she was telling her therapist, she knew in her heart that she loved Ryan. Going back and forth between love and hate, Kelly found that love won out every time. It was hard to hate someone that had meant so much to her during her late twenties. Now that she was thirty, maybe it was time to think like a woman, behave like a woman. If that meant not settling than so be it. The thirties were a time to learn from your mistakes of your twenties, she'd once read. Probably in Cosmo, her bible. She'd learned so many moves from that magazine that she had never failed to wow Ryan. But that didn't matter. It didn't matter how good in bed she was, he didn't love her, and that was a problem.

What was his deal in the therapy sessions anyways? Was he trying to play upon her heartstrings, getting her to feel sorry for him? Because it was sort of working. She did feel sorry for him if he didn't like himself. She could definitely relate. What had brought her to this hospital was the fact that she hated herself. What would she do if Ryan had tried something like that? Na, he was too vain to ever want to hurt his pretty face, Kelly laughed. But this was serious. Ryan was hurting, she was hurting, and she wasn't getting out any time soon. So she'd better settle down and get serious about getting well.

That included making some tough decisions. Did she want Ryan in her life or not? She didn't have to work at Dunder Mifflin anymore if she was serious about getting rid of him. This could be the start of a brand new life. She was kind of like Elle Woods in Legally Blonde, tired of not being taken seriously by her ex or her collegues she could start a whole new life for herself and kick some serious ass. Elle was always one of her heroines.

What was she afraid of? What would she really lose by leaving Dunder Mifflin? She would miss her coworkers, but she knew that she could make friends anywhere she went. But most of all, she would lose Ryan, and no matter how much she hated him at the moment, she wasn't sure she was ready to let go. He had come to mean so much to her. It may have all been an illusion, but it was an illusion that had been her lifeline for so long. She knew that no matter how much she hated Ryan, she loved him even more, and so saying goodbye would be the most difficult thing she'd ever have to do.

But would it be the smartest thing for her? Elle Woods had lost her true love and then eventually hooked up with Luke Wilson. So maybe something like that was in store for her. Maybe she had a true love and she just didn't know it, he was right around the corner waiting for her to ditch Ryan. The thought made her smile. She'd forgotten what true love was, thanks to Ryan, and she refused to stop believing in it. Add that to number 11 of the things she liked about herself. True love always won, and she didn''t care if Dr. Riggs thought that was dumb or juvenile, she still believed in true love. There was someone for everyone. For so long she'd thought that Ryan was her true love, but what if she was wrong? Didn't she owe it to herself to find out what or who else was out there?

True, she tried dating Darryl for awhile, but once Ryan found out, he swept her back off her feet in the way only he could. He didn't want her but he didn't want anyone else to have her. Once upon a time she would have mistook that for love, but that was jealousy. He just wanted what he couldn't have, and once he had it he didnt know what to do with it. That was typical Ryan. He could be such a child sometimes.

Why couldn't she just say goodbye to Ryan and be done with it? Her life would be so much easier if he weren't in it. She could go back to being the happy, quirky girl she had once been, instead of settling for being less than. That was it. Ryan treated her like she was less than him, and she had taken it so personally. But as she began to grow Kelly started to realize that was a reflection of him, not her. He needed to drag someone so far down just to make himself feel better. What a child he was.

Ryan had once had her heart and soul, but she was in the loony bin trying to reclaim them. Her heart was hers to give away, not for him to play with. Just who did he think he was, anyways? What made him so much better than she was that he could just toss her around like she had nothing better to do than to wait for him? The sad truth was that for years she hadn't had anything better to do than to wait for him. But all of that was going to change. Taking charge of her life wouldn't be easy, but it was up to her. If she waited for Ryan to commit she would die a lonely woman, all alone with no friends and no life. He didn't care. He would get what he wanted from her when he wanted it and then leave. Certainly she deserved better than that.

If only she didn't think about those blue eyes and how he kissed her, she just might have been well on her way.