So when she faced Ryan the next day, she was feeling a little more sure of herself. Kelly was still torn over how she felt about him, but she had been doing a lot of thinking about how she felt about herself. She was finally starting to think she wasn't so bad after all.
She didn't get up to hug him, the way she had the other sessions. Both Dr. Riggs and Ryan noticed. Ryan walked over to hug her, and she accepted. It felt kind of good to be on the receiving end, not the giving end, of an embrace.
"Ryan, I take it you're happy to see Kelly. Did you miss her yesterday?"
He never thought he would be able to admit it to anyone else."Yes, I did. I was a little hurt that she left me out. I thought she always wanted to see me."
"You're just assuming she's available whenever you want her. Let's talk about that."
"Yes, let's talk about that, Ryan."
He looked down. "I don't know. I just kind of missed her."
"Don't tell me, tell Kelly."
"Kelly I missed you yesterday all right? I just figured you would want to see me and then when you didn't...well, I actually cried."
"You cried over me? I've been crying over you for years. How do you think I felt during all of those times?"
"Now Kelly, let's not accuse Ryan of anything. He just made a first real step in trying to get better, to help you get better. It seems like you're still harboring a lot of anger towards him."
"I am. I'm sorry, Ryan, but I'm mad at you. If you had told me once during the past five years that you had missed me, maybe things would be different now."
"But don't you see things are different now," he cried out in frustration.
"How?" Both Kelly and Dr. Riggs asked.
"I don't know. For the first time I envisioned a life without Kelly in it, and I didn't like it. I didn't like what I saw. I know that she loves me, and I don't want to lose that."
Kelly smiled. It hurt her to hear him talk like that now, after everything they'd been through, but it was nice to know her feelings weren't totally all in her head.
"Kelly, did you miss Ryan yesterday?"
"Acutally, no I didn't. I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize for how you feel."
"Okay then I'm not sorry that I didn't miss you. I took some time to think about who I am, what I want out of life."
"Those are two seperate trains of thoughts. Let's go with the first one. Why didn't you miss Ryan yesterday?"
"Well I took yesterday to think about myself and what I want. Who I am. What I like about myself. It was kind of fun thinking about myself for a change. Does that make me selfish?"
"No, it sounds kind of healthy. What do you think, Ryan?"
"I don't know. I just don't understand why she didn't miss me?"
"Ryan, you're missing the point. By taking the time to think of herself and not you she was relieving you of some of the pressure you've mentioned concerning your relationship. I would think that you would feel happy, not bad."
"But I'm so used to her thinking about me, this is all kind of new for me."
"There's going to be a new Kelly by the time we're done here. Do you think you can get used to her?"
"I don't know. I want to try, I really do."
Kelly looked at him, and realized that for once she held the power in the relationship. It felt kind of good. But this wasn't about getting back at Ryan, she reminded herself. It was about getting healthy again.
"Kelly, what can you do to reassure Ryan right now? It sounds like he's doubting your feelings for him."
"I don't know what to say. Part of me wants to tell him how much I love him, but then again, if I do that I go right where I was before I came here. I am not ready to tell him I love him again."
"Ryan, how do you feel about that?"
"I don't know. I guess I should feel relieved, but I don't."
"Why not? I thought that's what you wanted from her."
"I just assumed she would always love me no matter what. Maybe I took that for granted."
"You do take me for granted, Ryan. Every time you call I make myself available for you. But I can't be that girl anymore. I have friends, you know. I have a job that I like. I like to throw parties. I like to have fun. Don't you remember that about me?"
"I know. You're right. That's the Kelly I lo...I miss."
"Wait a minute, Ryan," Dr. Riggs interjected. "You started to say something else first. Finish that thought please."
"Yeah, finish it," Kelly agreed.
"I don't know what I was going to say."
"Yes you do," the doctor encouraged.
"I guess I was going to tell her that was the Kelly I love."
He looked at Kelly, waiting anxiously for her response.
"How dare you, Ryan Howard? How dare you wait until now to tell me you love me! You're so selfish. I swear you think of no one but yourself. You wait until its convient for you to tell me, not when I need to hear it."
"I thought that would make you happy?"
"What do you think would make Kelly happy, Ryan?"
He stood up and let out a small scream. "I don't know. I thought if I told her I loved her she would be happy, but apparently I'm a jerk for saying it now. I don't know. I know she wants marriage and babies and I can't give that to her yet, but I do want to be with her."
"This is our pattern, Dr. Riggs. He only wants me when he can't have me," Kelly said smugly.
"Is that true, Ryan? Do you feel threatened now that you think you can't have Kelly?"
"I don't know. Maybe a little."
"What is it that's so threatening knowing Kelly's getting healthier and may decide to make better choices for herself?"
"I just don't want to lose her, okay? I know I've messed up but I know now that I love her and I just want to be with her. I want to take her away from this madness and make things better for her but I don't know how I can! I'm only one person!"
Kelly started to tear up. For so long she'd waited to hear those words, but now that she had, she wasn't sure she believed him. "Remember when I was with Darryl, Ryan?"
He sat back down and said nothing.
"You wanted me back then so I broke up with him. Then you turned around and told me you were going on a trip, you wanted to have sex and needed money from me. How do you think that made me feel?"
"I don't know. I guess that was stupid. I know I hurt you and I'm sorry."
Kelly smiled through her tears. He was saying he was sorry, something he had never done during the past five years.
"Kelly, how do you feel about Ryan's apology and his statement of love?"
"To be honest, I don't know that I believe him. He does the same things over and over again without changing,."
"Don't you do the same things over and over again without changing?" Dr. Riggs challenged.
"Yes, but it's not about me. It's about Ryan."
"It's about the both of you and getting you two to a place where you can be together, if that is still what you want, Kelly. Is that what you want?"
Ryan held his breath and waited for what seemed like an eternity for Kelly's answer.
"More than anything in the world. But Ryan needs to know that it's going to take a lot more than sweet talk just to win me back this time."
"What will it take?"
"I don't know. I want to know that I'm loved, feel that I'm loved, see that I'm loved. I want real love more than anything else in the world and I don't think that I should have to settle for his kind of love."
Ryan was stunned. He'd just poured his heart out to Kelly and now she was rejecting him?
"What is real love to you, Kelly?"
"I don't know. Commitment. Hearing I love you know and then. Knowing what makes the other person happy and doing it even it it doesn't always make you happy, but you get the satisfaction of knowing you made that person happy."
"Ryan how would you describe love?"
"I don't know."
"Come on, Ryan. Think about it. Maybe for the first time in your life you need to think about it."
"I want someone who knows me for who I am and loves me anyways. Someone who won't disappear just because I'm not perfect. Someone who sees me for who I am and still loves me anyways."
"You've told us pieces of who you are. You don't see yourself as perfect, the way Kelly once did. Do you think she's starting to see the real you?"
"I think so."
"And that's why you told her you loved her? Or is Kelly right, you're only saying that because you can't have her?"
"I don't know. I think I love Kelly. I don't know what you want from me! I give her what she wants and you tell me it's not enough. I'm here even though I hate talking about myself. I'm here because I want her to get better. I'm here because I do love her, even though apparently neither of you believe me!"
Kelly smiled. "I believe you, Ryan," she whispered softly.
He smiled back at her. "We're going to be okay, you know that?"
"I hope so. Because I can't go back to where we were. For so many years the question I had was why didn't you love me. Now I want to know why you love me."
He hated being put on the spot."I don't know. I love you because you drive me crazy. I love that you see my craziness and you still want to be with me."
"Kelly hasn't said that she still wants to be with you," Dr. Riggs pointed out.
"Then what's the point of all of this if we love each other and can't be together?" Ryan demanded.
"The point is to get Kelly to love herself before she loves you. Don't you want to help her do that?"
"Yes of course I do, but now that I know that I love her that should count for something."
"It does, Ryan. It pleases me to hear you acknowledge your feelings for her. But feelings are temporary- love lasts. Do you think you love her enough for a lasting relationship?"
He looked around. This was making him so uncomfortable. "I think I do."
"Kelly needs you to be sure. She can't open herself to the kind of hurt you've put her through in the past again only to get her heart broke once more. Are you in, are are you out."
Ryan grabbed Kelly's hands and looked her in the eyes. "I'm in."
Kelly smiled and didn't care what Dr. Riggs thought. She leaned in to kiss him, and it was like at work- they didn't care who was around. They had each other, and for the moment, that would be enough. More than enough, for Kelly, who knew more than ever she loved that man. He was, after all, the man she was going to marry.
"Kelly, do you love Ryan, after finding out he's not so perfect after all?"
She thought about it for a moment. "I think I love him more than ever."
"Ryan, do you love Kelly, with all of her flaws, all of her humanities, with all that she has done that might have hurt you in the past?"
He smiled and looked Kelly in the eyes. "I do."
"Well then, kids, I suppose now is the perfect time to spring this upon you- Kelly is two months pregnant."
Ryan and Kelly looked at each other, not knowing what to say to the other one.