A/N: I SAW INTO THE WOODS LAST NIGHT. YOU WERE WARNED.
Eppy Liz. Eppy Liz, Eppy Liz, Eppy Liz. This chapter is dedicated to you because your review made me so, so, happy. I think I might have cried. Thank you. You also get a Derek-hug, and I even convinced Gavroche to hug you, since you seem to like him. (Just a bit)
Dear Enjolras:
What do you do with your time now that you're in heaven where there's no government to overthrow (or is there a government to overthrow)? What do you think of Cosette independent of her effect on Marius? What was your childhood like? What is your greatest fear? If a genie gave you 3 wishes, what would you wish for? (Yes I really like that question). Regards, Elodie
Dear Elodie,
Hm. Well, overthrowing the government in heaven would be trying to get rid of God. Somebody already tried that and it didn't go too well, so I mostly spend my time playing chess with Combeferre.
She's...pretty...I guess? And rather nice...I don't know! I never really met her.
My childhood was normalish. I was rich 'n stuff.
My greatest fear is that France will never become a democracy.
1. I wish! More than anything, I wish! More than life! More than jewels! The king is having a festival! I wish to go to the festival! The psycho authoress is done now, so...
2. France becoming a democracy.
3. That the stupid FANFICTION WRITERS would stop trying to pair me up with ÉPONINE!
-Enjolras
Dear Enjorlas,
1. How are you today?
2. Do you know you are insanely hot?
3. I KNOW this is a statement, but two thumbs up for grammar.
4. I know being a revolutinary is the right thing, but it would have been easier to be obedient and following the law?
5. How much money was your red coat?
6. Do you enjoy the abosolute awesome qualities of Harry Potter?
7. Since this this is composed of many questions and I have not mentioned I what ship, may I please call you Enjy?
Love (and Vive la France!),
Meredith
Dear Meredith,
1. Very well. Thank you for asking. 'Course, I'm dead, but...
2. I...have been told that by many people.
3. Thank you? I guess?
4. Well, yeah. [YOU SPELLED IT WRONG! YOU SPELLED LAWR WRONG!] No one cares, Javert. Go back to your pole.
5. It was a gift. Patria gave it to me on our first anniversary.
6. I can't say that I do.
7. Fine; you can call me that ONCE because you spelled my name wrong.
-Enjolras
Dear Victoire Javert,
WE TOLD YOU TO STAY K+. THERE ARE KIDS READING THIS.
-The Kinda-Ticked-Off-Psycho-Authoress
Dear Grantaire,
WHY IS YOUR NICKNAME R?! Your name starts with a G and I can't think of another student who has a name that starts with a G. Oh yeah can any of the amis play any instruments?
(submitted by SnowWhitex PrinceCharming)
Dear SnowWhitex PrinceCharming (He's a very NICE prince...)
Really? Do NONE of you people understand puns? Fine. "Aire" is How you pronounce the lettre "r" in french. "Grand"=big big=capital. Thus, "Grand r"= Big r, = Capital r, = R. And as a side note, Victor Hugo originally named me Grangé, so that my nickname could be G. Y'a know, "Grand g" (g is prounounced jeh). So yah. And Jean Prouvaire plays flute and I think Enjy sings in the shower (heehee).
-Grantaire
Dear EVERYONE!
What do you guys think about... Javert/Eponine? :D
Star
Dear StarCatcher 1858,
Everyone else has run away screaming, but welcome to my personal favorite ship!
-Psycho Authoress
P.S. You may or may not have been bored enough to read our profile, so you may or may not know that there are two of us on this account. Anyway, I have been reminded by my Hyde-half (does that make me Jekyll?) to inform you that Javonine is ABSOLUTELY CREEPY AND DISGUSTING.
R: while i daadmit that it is extremly funny, it is also rather creepy...just a tad
Jehan: annnnnd im totally calling you peanut butter now XD it is tottalt adorible
Couf: how did u come up with peanut butter as a nickname? How does that even make any sense? Oh and would you rather take a girl to dinner or a movie for the first date?
Enjolras: i know its a touchy subject, but i dont understant why you keep putting guns to any letters posing questions about you and 'ponine togther. Its a bit childish
annnd finally, to jehan: how does it feel being the youngest les ami?
Much love, Melody Saxon
Dear Melody,
Hmph.
-R
Hmph.
-Jehan
It's a secret, but, as you said, totally adorable. What's a movie?
-Courfeyrac
I was raised to be charming, not sincere. (I know that didn't make any sense; I just wanted to quote that line)
-Enjolras
We are all equals in ZE REVOHLOOSEEON! That's what Enjolras says, anyway.
-Jehan. Did you realize you wrote to me twice?
Dear Bossuet,
What was your worst case of bad luck?
Darci
Dear Darci,
I...don't want to talk about it.
-Bossuet
Eponine,
Is it Èponine or Éponine?
Darci
Dear Darci,
It's Éponine...sorry...the Psycho Authoress is just copying the accents from her kind reviewers and doesn't really pay attention to them...
-Éponine
Dear Eponine
WHY DO YOU NOT HAVE FEELINGS FOR THE BRAVE ENJOLRAS! Why don't you have feelings for him?! Come on look at his face!
Sincerly
K
Dear K,
He's HANDSOME but I'm not in LOVE WITH HIM. Can't you just accept that already?
-Éponine (thanks for the accent, Darci :D)
Dear Derek,
Are you sad that you aren't real?
(submitted by Om)
Dear Om,
I AM TOO REAL. Hmph. I WAS IN THE MOVIE.
-Derek
Azelma,
GAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(submitted by EponineTheJondretteGirl)
IKR? I managed to get to this letter before Azelma did. We have to put up with that ALL THE TIME.
-Éponine
Gavroche - I do get elephants are awesome! It's just... I like cookies. So I would sacrifice the elephant in favour of the sausage dog if it meant I had more time to eat cookies. Just sayin'.
Eppy Liz
Eppy Liz,
I would say we can't be friends, but the Psycho Authoress won't let me because she's still crying over your review. So...let's agree to disagree.
-Gavroche
Dear Javert,
I MAY BE IN PRISON BUT YOU STILL HAVEN'T ANSWERED MY QUESTION!
Innit.
Mina (:
Dear Mina,
Fine. Whatever. I'll consider getting a life.
-Javerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt
Dear Azelma,
Have a cookie (: :)
:)
SociallyAwkwardUnicorn
DEAR SOCIALLY AWKWARD UNICORN (LOL I LOOOOOOOVE YOUR NAME HAHAHAHA)
SUGAR! I LOVE SUGAR! MY PARENTS AND MY SISTER DON'T LET ME HAVE IT! THEY'RE SO MEAN! BUT YOU LOOOOVE ME CUZ YOU WROTE TO ME EVERYBODY LOOOOOOOOOOOOVES ME
AZELMA
Dear Éponine,
On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you about the fics giving you the happy ending with Marius?
SociallyAwkwardUnicorn
Dear SociallyAwkwardUnicorn,
Ten. THEY know what should have happened.
-Éponine
Dear éponine,
I'm sorry for the bluntness of the question about your teeth. Let's try this a different way...
Did you have enough teeth to be able to eat foods that were hard and needed to really be, uh, chewed? In the brick it says that you are taller then Azelma but it never tells us how tall you are? Before you lost the inn would you ever have a fit if you couldn't do, or get something from a guest or from your mother and father? In what ways were you mean to Cosette? I don't think it was like you were playing copy cat in the fact if you mother said or did something you would say the same thing? You coppied her in the way of just being mean to Cosette and treating her the way your mother and father did, right? Can you give me some examples of how you were mean to Cosette? It doesn't really tell in the brick. The reason why I'm wondering how you were like as a child is because if you have ever seen the tv show Little House On the Prairie and saw Nelly Olsin, you would know what I'm talking about. I guess what I'm trying to ask, is were you like that to Cosette and everyone around you?
(submitted by Eponine Jondrette)
Dear EponineJondrette,
I have some teeth. Again, what do you plan to do with this information? And I was mean to her like ordering her around or something.
-Éponine
To Gavroche:
What would you do if you saw an ELEPHANT eating a COOKIE?
(submitted by Guest)
Dear Guest,
Ooh. Exciting thought.
-Gavroche
Enjolras,
If you could hit one person on the head and tell them "Get a life!" or "Shut up!", etc. Who would it be? and what will you use to hit the person with and what will you tell him/her?
(submitted by Fight Dream Hope Love 3)
Dear FDHL3,
Hit R on the head with my flag and say Grantaire, put the bottle DOWN!
-Enjolras
Azelma and Gavroche,
PLEASE I BEG OF YOU MAKE ENJONINE REAL I WILL PAY YOU 1 million francs and cookies and food! xD (I mean it)
(submitted by Celestique)
Um...Enjolras won't let us read your letter...I feel like Harry Potter.
-Gavroche
YOU WROTE TO ME! YOU WROOOOOOOTE TO MEEEE! YOU LOOOOOVE ME!
-Azelma
Dear Eponine:
What is the most valuable thing you have ever stolen? What are you most afraid of? Do you prefer being paired with Javert or with Enjolras in fanfiction?
-Anne
Dear Anne,
First question: Not telling; Javert's listening.
Second question: Not telling; Gavroche's listening.
Third question: Javert, because it breaks the monotony.
-Éponine
Dear Javert,
You chase Valjean so much, are you gay towards him?
(submitted by PurpleMissAliceWhitlock)
MASFODPWEHFPICDSNKMFERA4JDCUVX ICXKDJN6UY67G5HUT7JUSVCNDKLXM;D,ESKRWO
NO.
-Javert
Dear Jean Prouvaire,
Great job! I liked both. Now, can you try writing one about them being um... Canoned? That would be so awesome.
-MyNameIsLuka
P.S.-I am Japanese, but I know a certain amount of French. You're French, right? I mean, THIS IS LES MIS.
Dear MyNameIsLuka,
Why, yes, I am French. Not sure what you mean by 'canoned', though...do you mean, that it's canon that they're there together? The authoress wants to update tonight, let's see if she can come up with something on the spur of the moment...
There was a man named Vicky who
said, "I want to write a book, I do!"
The main man was named Jean Valjean,
he started out being a con.
But no one cared about his soul-
no, they strived towards a larger goal.
(That was, the part with the Amis)
they said, "Victor, don't kill them-please?"
His daughter asked him, "Please, Papa,
Make Eponine kiss Enjolras!"
Now, Vicky had written this book
Mainly about Jean the crook
But one look at his cute li'l kid,
and he changed the story-line, he did!
Enjy beat the National Guard
And then he kissed Eponine, hard!
The epic tale of redemption was gone
and in its place, the Amis lived on.
So the moral of this story, Luke
Is if this poem just makes you puke
Remember it was written in
about five minutes, at (p.m.) ten
By a girl who they don't call
the psycho authoress for nothing, y'all!
She's not sure whether Vick had a daughter
But now she wants a glass of water!
She is running out of rhymes,
and this poem's hardly sublime.
Jehan's cringing as he wonders
while she commits poetic blunders
Why he let her have the pen
for five minutes at (p.m.) ten
Yes, I already used that line
Do not hit me with your carbine!
And why isn't this poem just DONE?
Because I'm having lots of fun!
If you're tired of reading this drivel,
go into the corner and snivel!
Don't blame me, just blame
that Guest who calls themselves MyName
IsLuka, for prompting me to write
A poem at ten-o'-clock at night.
Which isn't that late of a time,
but it sure has a lot of rhymes!
I'm almost done-I think I am-
for dinner I did not have ham!
Did you have ham when you dined today?
Oh dear, not another tangent-
JUST STOP ALREADY, PSYCHO AUTHORESS!
Gosh, Jehan! What's your deal?
Did you have ham with your meal?
I'M DOING YOU A FAVOR. LIKE YOU WERE GOING TO BE ABLE TO FIND A RHYME FOR 'TANGENT'. JUST END THE STUPID LETTER.
Fine, but I'm signing it Peanut Butter!
That'll teach you to throw me in the gutter!
Here we go, the letter's done-
for realsies this time! I'm even going to stop rhyming!
-Peanut Butter
Dear Azelma,
Do you think your older sister looks cute with Enjolras?
(submitted by Guess Who)
DEAR GUESS WHO
WHO CARES ABOUT HER? I THINK I LOOK CUTE WITH ENJOLRAS!
-AZELMA
Dear Javert,
Your voice sounds like you have snot while your pooping. In general, your voice is UGLY. And if you think you can spell, your so wrong. You spell worse then I do. I use to spell orphan as orffin.
(submitted by Guess Who)
Dear Guess Who,
Whatever. No, I do not sound like a teenage girl, Valjean. Shut up.
-Javert
Dear Derek,
So, basically you're the Les Mis version of Figwit from LotR?
(submitted by Mormeril Dark Lady of Insanity)
Dear MDLoI,
I have no idea. I could do a google search, but that would be Doing Something Productive. Let's assume the answer is yes.
-Derek
A/N: You guys could have had this update nineteen minutes earlier were it not for the time I spent on that poem! But if you had as much fun reading it as I did writing it, it was worth it. I want to make some joke about nineteen minutes and nineteen years. Mlpoiweafjdcs. My mind is dead. Does anybody have a good one?
-The Psycho Authoress, and Derek. And another HUGE THANK YOU to Eppy Liz, and allllllllllllllll of my wonderful readers who apparently think these letters are funny enough to want to have their own answered. I've gotten fifty reviews on the last two chapters! I love you guys!