AN: This was painful to write but it was coming. I think this is going to be the turn of a new Willa. I am hoping to wrap this up in the next 5 or so chapters. Thank you all for sticking with me and I hope you enjoy the update. :D
Chapter Ten
No Apology Too Big
It took a little over two days to get home. I was not allowed to drive, we spent a night in a hotel then drove through until night to get back to La Push. When we got home there wasn't a welcoming committee. Quil's car was there, my guess was for Claire since she was left alone. I walked into the house and went straight to my room for a flashlight and by hiking boots.
"Quil is going with you." Jeff told me as he walked into my room.
I opened my mouth to argue, as always.
"Don't even, its non-negotiable." He told me flatly.
"Fine." I muttered and he left me alone.
When I was packed I went back downstairs and Quil was waiting for me. Claire was next to him and she only gave me a little wave and kissed Quil as he left with me.
As soon as we were both in the car he pulled out of the driveway and started down the road. "He's been on the run for the past few days." He told me quietly.
"Just take me to his house." I said tensely.
"Willa-" Quil tried to tell me how to handle Seth, which he probably did as a member of his pack, but I knew how to handle him as an imprint.
"I know what I'm doing." I told him sternly.
Quil just shrugged and we got into his car and drove to Seth's. It was empty of course but I knew he wouldn't have gone far. I jumped out of the truck and started into the woods. I knew he was following a few feet behind me. I wasn't going to be able to out run him and he was going to be on my trail until we found Seth.
My gut was churning and my heart was pounding. I could only think of his face after what I did and how he had taken to the woods. He never did that. He was always the happy one. Now he was the bitter, angry, dejected one hiding in the woods. And it was all my fault.
We were twenty minutes into the woods when I stopped. "I'm sorry," I murmured.
There was ruffling in the leaves and I heard Quil start leaving. I had found the cluster of trees that made a perfect bed for Seth's wolf form. He liked to nap there, even as a human.
I clicked off my flash light, sat on the nearby fallen tree trunk. I knew he was close, and he knew I was there and I was going to leave it to him to decide to confront me. He always ran away from it and just waited for me to get so frustrated to blow up and confront him. But I wasn't going to do that. I was going to be the one who waited and he was going to blow up at me. I needed him to yell at me and get his anger out or whatever he was feeling.
I really don't know how long I was sitting there, but it was cold and wet and I was starting to feel it. I was still wallowing in self-pity and how much of a jackass I was when my jaw started chattering. I bit my lip to keep it from making noise and curled my knees to my chin to keep my heat.
I heard a sigh and I was in impeccably warm arms a moment later. Seth wasn't wearing a shirt, and probably wasn't wearing pants either. He smelled more like dirt and anything else and his entire body was rigid. I rested my head on his shoulder and wanted to say something but I just repeated what I already said. "I'm sorry." I whispered while I basked in his heat.
He was painfully quiet as he carried me back to his house. He didn't even look down at me. There was no playful glint in his eyes. It was worse than seeing some die. He wasn't Seth. I was almost reduced to tears when he walked into his house and put me on the couch before turning his back on me and walked for the door. I could feel my sobs clawing up my throat but I bit on my lip. If I cried it would make him stay. I wanted him to stay because he wanted to, whether it was to confront me or kiss me. I wasn't going to use my imprint sway on him, since I had already abused it so much.
The door closed harshly and I thought my chest was going to collapse on itself, but I held it together. I deserved it and I was going to suffer. I curled up into a ball, ignoring the blanket in the corner and waited.
I don't know when I feel asleep but when I woke up I started panicking. What if I had missed him? I flew off the couch and started looking around the house but he wasn't there. The blanket was still untouched, if he had been back he would have put it over me.
I went to the bathroom then kicked off my boots and went back to the couch and faced the door, waiting. The phone rang a few times but I didn't answer it. I knew it meant Seth was probably still in the wind.
With all the time I had I was forced to think about everything. It was like torturing myself. I wasn't good enough for my mother. I had just ruined everything I had with Seth. I'm sure the pack wasn't fond of me after what I did. So all I had now was myself. I felt like running with that thought alone, it almost sounded like the only option I had at that moment. I probably would have if I didn't have access to a car. Hell, if I had my car I would have probably been in Canada by now.
I stayed folded in my spot for a few more hours, staring at the door. I didn't have any hunger because my stomach still felt like I was on a rollercoaster so I would probably throw up anything I tried to eat or drink.
I was probably on hour six when the door opened. Seth didn't even make eye contact, he strode straight past me to the bathroom and I heard the shower turn on. He was more dirt than skin at that point. It didn't make me feel any better that he was there, because he really wasn't.
His shower didn't take long and he went up to his room and put on clothes. I tried not to move, but I couldn't stop myself, I looked up to the loft and saw him walking around. He still looked so angry and un-Seth-like. I shuddered and dropped my chin to my knees and waited a little more.
He came down the stairs and I just wanted to see him smile at me but when he looked up at me he quickly looked away as he turned into the kitchen. It was getting harder not to cry.
"You're not going to say anything else?" He said impatiently.
"I said I'm sorry." I croaked my throat tight with sobs and anguish.
He stormed into the living room them. "I'm not going to get a twenty page essay to justify what you did?" He asked incredulously.
I could only shake my head.
I saw a lot in his eyes, mostly rage. It scared me. I had never been scared of him before. The cup he had been holding was thrown, it ended up going through the wall across from him. I jumped.
"I don't get any kind of explanation?" He yelled at me. "No clue as to why I got left behind to wonder why I had to imprint on someone who was never going to trust me or even love me as much as I love her?" He demanded.
I imagined that's what drowning felt like. Knowing what you have to do but being trapped, seeing everything and hearing everything but just being powerless. I wasn't lucky enough to have the sea swallow me up though.
"I haven't given you a reason to not trust me! I've been there since she left, I've put up with everything you've thrown at me for all this time, but you still had to run when I was trying to help." His chest was heaving as he told me everything and I didn't doubt that I deserved all of his rage.
I stood from the couch then and walked toward the door.
"What are you doing?" He asked.
I stopped and turned to look at him. "I can't answer any of that." I said weakly.
I think his eyes flashed red in that moment. "Why not?" He asked hotly.
"Because I don't know why." I whispered. "I can't figure it out. I'm not good at this Seth. Maybe I wanted to see Dana because she had gone through it too. She was left by our mother too. I was sure I wasn't good enough for her but Dana is so much better than me, why would she leave Dana? I just don't know why, Seth. I'm sorry." I was crying now and I couldn't stop.
Seth looked like he was close to doing the same.
I kept walking for the door. I didn't want to leave, I wanted to climb in his arms and live there forever but I felt like he needed to be alone, he was still really angry with me and I just didn't know what to do anymore. He wasn't talking anymore and I had answered what I could. So I walked out the door.
I was probably halfway down the driveway when I heard the door open and slam, I flinched and I broke down. I just sobbed while I tried to walk. Crying your heart out doesn't work with walking so I stumbled to a tree and slumped to the ground and stopped trying to hold it in. I had accomplished what I needed to and it just didn't go all that great. Things generally didn't for me.
So my life was a black hole of giant suck ass, and I wondered what was next. The pack and probably the tribe would hate me now. The pack only liked me because of Claire and Seth, that probably wasn't enough now. I really fucked myself and I still couldn't understand why I even did what I did.
I buried my face between my legs and kept on with the crying train because it wasn't something I could stop anymore. My ears were ringing, my ribs were sore and my nose was like a leaky dam. I felt something warm near my shoulder and I looked up to see Seth sitting at my side with tears streaking his face.
"Being with you is worse than self-mutilation sometimes." He said as he shook his head.
I sniffled. "Then why are you with me?" I asked miserably.
"I don't have I choice." He grunted.
Of course someone didn't just love me for me, they loved me because their genetics told them to. It felt like a trap door opened under my feet and I was still falling. I stood up and started walking away.
"Willa!" Seth yelled at me as soon as I was two steps away from him.
He was next to me in a second. "Its better if I just go, then no one has to suffer." I rushed out so that I could actually say it because I was getting ready to cry again.
"Stop!" He yelled as he grabbed my arm and planted me in front of him. "I want you to imagine watching your sister leave you and your dad walk out on you." He said slowly.
"Seth-" I whimpered as the tears started again.
"Just think about it. How much it hurts and makes you want to disappear forever and that's what it feels like when you're not there." He told me as he moved his face to my level and looked me straight in the eye. "That's just when you're not with me, not when you've pulled something, so just imagine what it's like when you run from me. What did it feel like when your mom left you?" He pushed, making me feel worse with each of his words.
"Seth, I'm sorry." I cried.
He moved closer to me and I didn't have any space away from him, looking down at me curiously. "Why did you sit in the woods?" He asked confused.
"What?" I said bewildered.
"Why did you stay in the woods for three hours?" He repeated.
"I wanted you to yell your feelings for once." I answered timidly, feeling strange for saying it out loud.
He sighed and suddenly his eyes weren't so angry any more. "I'm not forced to love you. Imprinting doesn't make me love you, it makes me want to be around you and protect you." He explained as he wiped away all the tears on my cheeks and held my face gently. "I shouldn't have said any of that." He murmured almost to himself.
"You needed to." I said knowingly. I had done it plenty of times. It was like burping, you don't like it but it gives you a lot of relief.
"Come on," He said as he turned back toward his house, taking my hand in his and trying to get me to follow him out.
"I need to go back home." I said as I kept my feet planted.
He turned to look at me. "I'm not letting you walk home." He told me without room for question.
"Please, its been a long day." I pled. I really just wanted to wallow in my self-hatred now. I wasn't ready for whatever he had left to throw at me.
Seth wasn't one to give up easily so even though I started back down his drive way he threw me over his shoulder and I was carried back toward his house. I didn't have the fight left in me to do anything. I was carried upstairs where he dropped me on his bed, took off my shoes, jacked and tucked me under the covers.
"Seth," I attempted an argument.
He crawled into his bed next to me and held me close to him. "We both haven't slept in days, we need it." He said with finality.
I didn't argue. It was great being back in his arms. He was calm again, just by the look of his face and he was right we hadn't slept in days. I was asleep in seconds.
It was safe to say we had slept for longer than normal because I woke up to two phones ringing off the hook. I didn't move much, Seth had both of the phones in his hands in a second and was sitting up, away from me to answer them. I groaned at his absence of heat.
"I'll have her back soon." He said as he held both phones to each ear, looking adorable. "Yeah, we're still in one piece." He said as he rolled his eyes. "Bye," He said brusquely and hung up both of the phones.
He looked down at me a smiled. That smile alone made all of the shit I went through, worth it. "So we've been sleeping for like ten hours." He said laughing.
I reached up and linked my hands around his neck and pulled him into a kiss. He kissed me easily, without hesitation and eased back down next to me. When I relinquished his lips, I sighed. "We're going to need ten more." I said surely.
He laughed and wrapped his arms back around me. "Probably won't happen, but you can dream." He said moving his fingers through my hair.
I pouted and snuggled into his chest.
"Thank you," He said earnestly.
"For?" I asked confused.
"The whole yelling thing." He told me with a childish look about him. "I feel like an asshole for doing it, but I guess it was something I had to do." He said with a sigh, holding me close. It sucked that he was going to hate himself for what he needed to do, but thinking back on it. I hated myself for what I did.
"I didn't want all that pent up resentment rearing its ugly head later." I told him honestly.
"Can you just promise me something?" He asked with the slightest hint of fear.
"I'll never do it again. It didn't make me feel better. All I got was a hole in my stomach and the overwhelming urge to throw up. Not to mention lack of sleep. Not worth it." I said emphatically as I shook my head.
He let out what sounded like a breath of relief. "That's nice to hear." He murmured as he pressed his lips to the top of my head.
"Anything else?" I asked curiously.
"Yeah, you're royally screwed." He said almost laughing.
I winced. "I know." I had indeed mended what I could with Seth for now since trust issues take a while, but my dad would not be so easily won over.
"I'm guessing you don't have a car." He said knowingly.
"Not at the moment." I grumbled.
"If you're lucky I'll let you borrow mine." He said with a troublesome grin.
"I like wolf transportation better." I said with a smirk.
He chuckled and leaned over me to kiss me soundly. It was a nice way to spend a very rainy, cold day.
AN: Review!