Tumbling Thoughts

Lily went to bed with confusion pounding in her head.

It had been a month since James Potter had shown a side that Lily had never thought existed. It had forced her to see him in a completely different light; Dorcas had been right, Lily had always seen him as the boy who had pretended to push her off a tower during their first Astronomy lesson at Hogwarts.

Now though he was, well… mature. Grown-up? None of the words she could think of really fitted him.

Lily tried to look at him dispassionately; he was tall, he was athletic, he had an easy-going smile and eyes that shone with interest, whatever he turned them on. He was intelligent, he was really very talented at Transfiguration; he had been helped her again earlier in the week with explaining the more complicated aspects of Yasov's Dichotomy, which was McGonagall said was "vital for any human transfiguration" and essential for Animagus transformations.

He was funny, but could be over the top. He seemed to have a wild streak that he was constantly trying to control. But when he had sat down beside her on the sofa, she had honestly thought he was going to ask her to go to Hogsmeade with him and from the nervous tingling in her tummy she wasn't sure what her answer would have been. She had only remembered that she was going with Caradoc after he asked her about her essay.

She reached her dorm and began looking for her pyjamas, her mind full of a hundred confusing thoughts.

Suddenly Mary burst in, 'Oh! There you are Lily, I've been looking for you everywhere!'

Lily, who was in a rather solemn mood now, just asked, 'Why?'

Oddly, Mary blushed, 'Um… I thought, um, look, Lily; we need to have a talk.'

Lily wasn't sure what to say to that, and scanned her memory to see if she might have upset Mary in some way recently. She couldn't think of anything, 'Alright then,' she answered cautiously, 'What about?'

'Um… Potter.'

'Why do you want to talk about Potter?'' Lily asked, suspicion creeping into her voice as she sat down on her bed and slipped off her shoes.

'Because I think he's trying to… to… well, use you.'

Lily stared at her friend; this was completely absurd, 'How?' she asked, raising an eyebrow.

'Well, look Lily; He was acting like an arse on the train here at the start of term. Then suddenly there's this big 'Werewolf Incident' and he's suddenly everyone's hero; even yours now.' Mary sounded very accusing.

'"Werewolf Incident"?' Lily asked, disbelief etched on her face at the tone with which Mary said the words.

'Look; isn't it suspicious that Snape and the Marauders all happen to be in the Forbidden Forest the night of the full moon? I mean, what are the chances; why would Snape be out there, and the Marauders are always saying there are werewolves in the Forest, so they would know not to go out then. I've heard, well,' Mary looked uncomfortable, standing in the middle of the room in her oversized red jumper, 'people are saying that they lured Snape down there to curse him. You seem to have forgotten that only a month or so ago you hated his guts. People don't just change, Lily.'

Lily wasn't sure what to say, but Mary was her best friend and she was trying to warn her so she decided on exactly what she had been thinking. She told her about how James saving Snape, someone he hated, had made Lily realise that Dorcas and Laura were right; James Potter wasn't a little boy anymore and Lily wasn't an eleven year-old girl.

'He almost died, Mary. I can't think of anything else to say. I felt awful that all I've ever done has been to shout at him and tell what a coward and idiot he is. I don't know why you don't believe Professor Dumbledore and their story; why would they lie? If you want to listen to rubbish spouted by Third Years, then you that's your choice, but I don't want to hear it. He deserves a chance, and I actually quite like him.'

Mary looked sceptical though and abruptly changed her tack, 'Just because he's been doing your Transfiguration essays for you, it doesn't mean he's suddenly wonderful. You do realise that every move that Gryffindor pulled off today was under Potter's orders; every move. That includes Sirius breaking his brother's ribs, Hill slamming Compton, Sirius breaking Radge's nose and Tommy almost killing himself with that catch. Just to win a Quidditch match; he's crazy in my opinion, Lily. Don't go near him.'

'He's not doing my Transfiguration essays!' Lily spat, angry and hurt at Mary's accusations, 'And you know that he wouldn't order anything like that! Besides, the Slytherin's started it!'

Mary's eyes narrowed, 'You're so blind, Lily. Tommy and Sirius ganged up on Regulus well before the Slytherins could do anything. He's not a hero, Lily, he's vicious and cruel.'

Lily had seen the other side though; she'd watched the Gryffindor team pull off seamless moves as though they were reading each other's minds. Only an extraordinary level of inspired dedication and talent could mould a team so quickly and Lily had felt a little in awe of what James had done with a team that was half new. They had easily kept ahead of the veteran Slytherin team.

Mary's words touched something in her though, maybe because if what she thought; if James had really inspired that level of discipline… Then Mary was right; every move had been done under James' orders and that was slightly frightening. It showed James could be just as brutal as the Slytherins he played against, even if he hadn't been directly involved; keeping out of the play.

Then the door opened again and Dorcas wobbled in on her high heels, 'I'm absolutely shattered!' she announced and collapsed on her bed. Then she realised the tension between the two other girls, standing facing each other.

'Are you two alright?'

Mary had to have the last word though, 'He's an arrogant bastard, Lily, and he'll do to you what he did to Sophie Carson if you let him.'

She threw Lily one last, wild look and marched out of the dorm.

Another thought struck Lily though; Dorcas had been physically attacked by Compton, Sarah Huntly had actually been punched. Did that make it alright for Potter to call his orders for Black and Hill to go after the Slytherins in the same measures? She wasn't sure what to think; only that at the time, when Dorcas was having her forehead slammed against her broomstick she had wanted to see Compton hurt.

Did that make her as bad as James Potter? She wasn't sure about herself anymore.

Dorcas lay quietly, exhausted but waiting for the inevitable question from Lily. She had heard what was being said before she came in; it had been building for a few weeks between Lily and Mary. The Quidditch Match had merely brought it out into the open.

Lily was spending more time with James, and Mary was spending more and more time away from Gryffindor Tower.

Finally the whisper in the darkness came, 'Dorcas?'

Laura and Alice were asleep, Mary still hadn't come back. Dorcas rolled over and said softly, 'Yes, Lily?'

'Did James order the boys to hurt the Slytherins today?'

Dorcas sighed, despite herself, 'Lily, it's Quidditch; regardless of what people say, it is a violent sport. People are always going to get hurt and people are always going to try and bend the rules; that's why there are so many.'

'But did James tell them to hurt the Slytherins?' came Lily's insistent reply.

There was a long pause from Dorcas and Lily couldn't help but worry.

'Not directly; he told us to play with everything we had and in Sirius and Hannah's case that meant hitting Bludgers as hard as they could. You know what Sirius can be like; he's not always the calmest of people, no matter how hard he tries to pretend he doesn't care. And Hill and Tommy? They're boys; they're competitive, that's why they're on the team. Of course things are going to get out of hand, you ought to see a professional match at some point; far worse things happen.'

Lily lay quietly, thinking about what Dorcas had just said.

'Lily?'

'Yes?'

'I don't know how well you know James, but you've been spending a lot of time with him lately. I just want you to make sure you know: he's not perfect. No one is.'

Sirius was lounging on the sofas in the Common Room with the remainder of the Quidditch Team and a few others. Tommy was still in the Hospital Wing; Hannah and Dorcas had gone to bed. Lizzy, having gained access to the Gryffindor Common Room was draped comfortably over his chest.

It had been a good day, he thought; beating four kinds of hell out of the Slytherins had been incredibly satisfying. It took all his anger and frustrated energy out of him. There was nothing more satisfying than slamming a bludger towards someone, and knowing it was exactly on target.

James had been right to make the call for harder playing measures and the other two teams had seen what Gryffindor could do. They were going to play Hufflepuff next, and they would be worrying about what might happen to them. It wasn't that the Gryffindor team was violent; it was the psychology of what could happen. The Hufflepuff Seeker would probably think twice before following Ransom into one of his dives, and that kind of split second advantage could win Gryffindor the cup.

He laid his hand on Lizzy's thigh where she was pressed up against him on the sofa and laughed as James described the disbelief on Compton's face when he saw Gryffindor had won. Sarah Huntly was giggling with a friend, who was batting her eyelashes at George Hill. The tall Fourth Year grinned at them and winced as his torn stomach muscles moved slightly.

'Hey, babe, how about we make ourselves scarce? I'll walk you back.'

Lizzy raised her head and looked up into his grey eyes, 'Alright.'

He wondered if she knew he was beginning to feel less and less excitement each time they met. Their kisses were not as long and passionate any more. Sirius had never been able to help it; a switch just flicked off in his mind. He would be enjoying the excitement, the beautiful unknown of a relationship and then a switch would suddenly flick in his mind. Then, whichever girl it was, she was simply just a girl; no matter how beautiful, or clever or funny, they just failed to affect him at all.

He sometimes hated it, he sometimes loved it, but that switch had just been flicked and he wondered how long he could go through the motions before he got bored and angry, or she realised.

James sat up late into the night, wondering if he had been a fool to even think about asking Lily out again, or if he had done the right thing by not asking. He had felt so bloody happy though; the excitement, the exhilaration of winning would have made that day the best of his life.

Patience, he thought though. He almost ached with his want to hold her. When he had watched her leave the Common Room earlier he had stared after her, his stomach feeling empty and hollow with missed opportunity.

Suddenly he knew he wasn't going to sleep; he gave up listening to Peter's snores and Remus' deep, even breathing. Sirius hadn't come back from seeing Lizzy off. He slipped out of bed, pulled on a pair of jeans over his boxers and a t-shirt, took his invisibility cloak and went to wander the deserted castle. Thoughts of sweeping red-hair, pale skin and emerald eyes skipping through his mind.

Barefoot and translucent he padded down to the Common Room, deciding he would head to the Prefect's Bathroom and see if warm water might be able to relax his mind.