Doubt
Somehow they had fallen behind the others as they made their way back up the path to the school. It was getting dark, the sun was setting behind the hills and the larger mountains like Schiehallion and Ben Nevis over on the west coast were throwing grey shadows across the sky, in which the first stars of the evening nestled. Lily stopped to watch the sky turn pink, then orange, then gold as the sparse clouds picked up the remaining light.
She felt Caradoc slow and stop beside her, their breath rising in steamy clouds as the day's warmth left the glen. He wrapped his arm around her waist and she let herself be drawn a little closer. She realised her heart was beating faster than the meandering trail back from the village could ever make it.
She looked after the others. Dorcas was silhouetted between the wiry shape of Remus and the stockier shadow that was Peter. Black was walking a little behind them, strangely close to Marlene.
She felt Caradoc slowly turn towards her.
James was walking behind the rest and was visible for a moment as he stepped out of the shadow of the trees and onto the school lawns. His head was bowed, his hands were thrust deep into his pockets and he walked with the trudging step of a heavily burdened man. Lily wasn't sure if it was her imagination or not, but for a second she thought he looked back towards her, eyes glowing in the final light of the day. Then the sun dropped below the hills and he was just another grey shape in the twilight.
Caradoc's hand found her neck and his thumb brushed down her cheek, 'Lily-'
His hand was shaking ever so slightly. She wasn't sure what to do. He was leaning towards her.
James looked back once as the two figures grew closer and the inevitable drew in.
Suddenly his mind seemed clear.
There were better things in life than moping around and waiting. He had tried and she had made her choice.
It wouldn't have worked anyway now that he thought about it.
He was a rule breaker. She had never broken a rule in her life.
He was a sports fanatic. She preferred the library.
He had three very close friends. She knew just about everyone in the school.
She came to school to learn her lessons. He came to school to discover everything else he could.
She was from a working class Muggle family in Surrey. He came from one of the richest Wizarding families in Britain.
He shook his head. It was best to let some dreams fade and die, after all, dreams weren't real; they were just… dreams.
Lily turned away before she knew what she was doing and the words came unbidden to her lips, 'I can't.'
Caradoc reared back, 'What?'
She was lost for words; she didn't know why she had just done that. Already thoughts were flooding her mind.
He's wonderful. Now you've really messed it up. You've had such a nice time too. He's always been friends with you. What have you done?
She managed to dredge something up from the back of her mind.
'Look, I'm really sorry, Caradoc,' she said, taking a step back, 'I really am, but I just want to be friends.'
It sounded awful. It sounded horribly cliché. It sounded downright cowardly.
A twisted smile worked its way up and onto Caradoc's face, 'Fine then, that's fine. Let's get up to the castle.'
Sirius walked stiffly beside Marlene, aware that James was trudging behind, but also aware that James needed to come to his own conclusions as to what to do. Marlene glanced back at Caradoc and Lily but he distracted her with an offhand comment about the centaur they had seen that morning.
Then James wasn't walking behind them anymore.
Neither Dorcas or Marlene noticed, but all three of the remaining Marauders picked out the ever so faint beat of running hooves across the darkened lawn. Peter looked unsure as to whether to wait, but Sirius clapped a hand on the smaller boy's shoulder, 'Stop lagging behind Pete, or we'll get locked out.'
They just kept walking and hoping that James hadn't gone to bollocks the whole thing up, yet part of Sirius wished he had. In his eyes there was no finer person than James Potter and if he wanted Lily, then that was what he should get. Preferably without the hassle of having to deal with idiots like Caradoc Dearborn who were just out for a snog and a grope, or more if they could get it.
They reached steps and the castle; signed back in with a Hufflepuff Prefect and headed up to Gryffindor Tower once they had sent Marlene off to Ravenclaw. Sirius went straight up to their dorm, chucked his jacket on a bed, grabbed his chess set, challenged Remus and went down to the Common Room to wait.
The rest of the walk was slow and awkward. Neither of them said anything and Caradoc merely muttered, 'Bye,' when they reached the Entrance Hall.
Disappointment was etched on his face as he disappeared towards Ravenclaw Tower.
Lily was left standing alone, with a twisting worm of doubt in her stomach. Sure in the knowledge that she had just ruined her only chance at a relationship this year. There was an odd clattering on the steps behind her and then James walked through the huge doors, adjusting his jacket. He signed back in with Lucy Raeburn who ticked his name off the list and closed the doors.
Nervousness tingled in her stomach; that odd mix of fear and exhausted patience that comes just before an exam. He started towards where she stood at the bottom of the steps, his face oddly pale in the light of the candles that were pushing back the shadows. A suddenly, without any kind of surprise that what Mary had said was true; she had been blind, she had been so blinded by the revelation that James Potter was a decent, mature boy, that she hadn't realised.
She hadn't realised that he had become more than a friend. It had taken Caradoc Dearborn to make her understand.
He was getting closer by the second. She searched desperately for something to say. It was obvious as well; he hadn't just been asking her out for years, maybe he did like her. She opened to her mouth to speak.
But he was gone.
He stepped past her and bounded up the stairs. It was as though she was invisible.
Lily would never be able to work out if supper that evening was slightly awkward or she just thought it was. She had finally admitted to herself that she liked James Potter, not just as a friend, but more.
The Marauders were sitting next to the girls on the Gryffindor table as usual, but there was no conversation between the two groups. It was as though the Marauders had vanished into a world of their own. They were laughing and talking but it was clear from the way Remus and James were turned away from the girls that it was merely out of tradition they were sitting next to them. As Lily joined the girls, a little late from writing a letter to her Mum, the conversation in both groups dried up.
Black eyed her for a moment, before she caught him looking and sensed that he was somehow judging her before he went back to his mountain of mashed potatoes and stew. Dorcas too, looked up at her, but expectantly. In fact, out of all the Gryffindors in her year, James was the only one who didn't at least glance at her. Instead, she heard him say to Remus, 'I see the Arrows won this afternoon.'
Mary was the first to speak to her though, 'So? How's Caradoc?'
Lily immediately flushed with embarrassment at what had happened.
That evening was the strangest of Lily's life; everything was so slightly awkward, yet desperately calm. How was she supposed to act around him? Did she dare go and sit with him? Try and talk to him.
She was sat in the Common Room, attempting to start he Potions essay, but her gaze kept drifting away from her notes on the right proportions of horned toad liver to wormwood that went in a Restorative Draught. James was playing Exploding Snap with Remus and Peter, only they were playing an alternative; counting the cards as they went resulting in the game being louder and there being more explosions. Apparently Sirius was in the library or something.
She was had just summed up the courage to put aside her essay for another night and go and ask if she could join them when the Portrait Hole opened and Black fell through, stumbling to his knees. Blood was streaming down his robes from a terrible gash between his left ear and his shoulder. Lily was on her feet in an instant, essay forgotten, but Remus was the first to him, actually sliding to a halt beside his friend as he began to pitch forward.
James joined them and between they helped him to his feet. Someone fainted as they half dragged him to the boys' staircase, and she heard James hiss, 'What the fuck happened?'
Frank Longbottom reached them saying something about the Hospital Wing, as Lily made her way over; Black's t-shirt was soaked almost to the waist.
'Seriously, guys, you need to take him to the Hospital Wing!' Frank said, more urgently.
'He'll be fine!' Remus snarled at the older boy as James and Peter dragged Sirius up the stairs and out of sight.
Frank actually flinched backwards as the shadow of something terrible lit Remus' face, he stood his ground though, 'I don't know what you guys are playing at, but I'm coming up there in five minutes and if he's not alright I'm going to McGonagall.
'He'll be fine, Longbottom,' Remus spat and dived up the stairs after the others.
'What the hell was that about?'
Laura had reached Lily through the commotion of the startled Common Room.
'No idea…' Lily slowly shook her head.
'Do you think he's alright?' Laura asked, staring with wide eyes up the staircase, 'I mean, should we go and check?'
Lily bit her bottom lip; there was an unspoken law that no one disturbed the Marauders. Not if you wanted to wake up in your bed the next morning. She had never been in there dormitory, she wasn't sure if Laura had either.
She chewed silently for a moment. At the very least they might be able to help. Besides, she wanted to talk to James.
She drew a deep breath and said, 'Okay.'
They began a slow ascent to the dorm at the very top of Gryffindor Tower.
Sirius was lying motionless on his back on the floor, his head on James' knees, Peter was throwing things out of his trunk, looking for potions and Remus was tracing blue sparks with his wand down the cut.
The door chimed quietly.
James, Peter and Remus all looked up for a moment, then carried on what they were doing.
The door chimed quietly again.
'Hurry up,' James hissed.
Peter found the store of emergency potions they kept for Full Moons and other such occasions, and took three bottles across to James who conjured a handkerchief and wet it with essence of dittany.
The door chimed once more as Remus dripped blood replenishing potion into Sirius' mouth and whispered, 'Enervate.'
'Peter, get the door.'
Lily was just raising her hand to rap on the door when it opened and Peter looked out at her and Laura.
'Yes?' he asked as they gaped at his timing.
'I… Is Sirius alright?' Laura stumbled over her words in surprise.
Peter swung the door open wide in reply.
Sirius and James were lobbing a quaffle back and forth across the room, while Remus lay on his bed, reading a textbook. A muggle poster of a half-naked girl was pinned above Sirius' head along with several Gryffindor flags and an array of motorbikes. Sirius t-shirt was a bit bloody but there was no sign of anything on his neck apart from slightly tanned skin.
Frank Longbottom appeared behind them, 'I'm going to have to get McGonag-'
James turned and grinned, 'Sorry about that, Marauders' joke; give everyone a shock, you know?'
Frank's jaw dropped, 'Prank? He was bleeding all over the place.'
'Fake blood,' James grinned, 'That's why we didn't want you going after McGonagall.'
Frank didn't look very convinced, but Sirius was on his feet and the cut was gone, so he turned and left to explain to the rest of the House that it was a 'joke'.
Lily and Laura watched him go.
'So, what do you two want?' Remus asked, rolling over to look at them.
'I… That wasn't very funn-' Lily began, but Laura cut her off, none of the Marauders were looking particularly impressed that they were hanging around.
'We'll see you in morning, good night!' Laura called, dragging Lily away; she didn't want to wake up near the Charms corridor in the morning.
After essence of dittany, blood replenishing potion and some quick spellwork from Remus, Sirius was back on his feet. James had only just managed to stash the bottles out of sight and chuck the quaffle he had under his bed at Sirius before Peter swung the door open wide.
The door swung closed behind the girls and James turned to Sirius, 'Who did it?'
Sirius collapsed on his bed, sweat standing out on his face from the effort it had cost him to simply throw the quaffle. The glamour Remus had placed on his neck faded to reveal an ugly red weal, as James picked up the essence of dittany again.
'Snape,' Sirius muttered, 'Should have expected…' his voice tailed off as he fainted from lack of blood.