A/N: This chapter has kindly been beta'ed by my friend Faldo who offered to beta the rest of this story so I could finish it more rapidly. The truth is that despite knowing that with writing chapters that average approx 10,000 words, it remains impossible for me to catch all my errors, I obsessively redraft chapters sometimes fussing over a single chapter for six weeks or more before posting - knowing that there will always be someone eager to point out its faults. So being able to pass over a chapter and have fresh eyes pick up errors that I would immediately see if it was someone else's work is a huge weight off my shoulders. A big thank-you to Faldo for her help.
FYI: I believe that fan fic dot net has finally got their act together and fixed the notification of stories. For anyone following my series of NCIS Tags for season one There's Always Tom Morrow, s01e16 Bete Noire was posted but notifications never went out.
As always, thank-you to everyone who took time to comment on Serieux. We are almost done.
Serieux Part 2
Chapter 24 A Sleepless Night
Later that night, Tony lay tossing and turning – as much as he could with his chest held together by stitches. Actually most of his tossing and turning was inside his head.
Ellie had come over for dinner and Fornell had stayed too. Obviously there hadn't been any talk of Augustus Rookwood, magic or the DMLE but they'd still found plenty to talk about. Harry and Ellie were great friends and although his godson was still rather clueless about pop culture and social media, any deficiencies in that area were obviously put down by Bishop to him being from a different country. Tony hoped that Harry could remain in touch with her once they left the States – she was good for him. Harry needed real friends who liked him for who he was.
He was thinking about Kort and the issues that had been raised today vis-à-vis Harry's depth of guilt over his death the night Bellatrix 'killed' Sirius by sending him through the veil. He knew he needed to have it out with his godson. Guilt was a terrible yoke to bear. Some individuals seem predestined to lug around more than their fair share and were taken advantage of because of it. As someone who automatically took responsibility for everything bad which happened in his life including things he couldn't control, Sirius understood Harry only too well.
Which was why he was going to give him a damned good kick in the pants (metaphorically speaking) and also because of the long and difficult talk he'd had weeks ago with Hermione about Harry's overwhelming guilt issues. Sadly, it affected every facet of his life almost two decades after defeating Voldemort.
The night Sirius passed through the Veil had affected Harry deeply - more guilt for Sirius to bear (as if he didn't have enough already) for not taking his cousin Bellatrix seriously enough that night at the Ministry. He'd been too focused on gaining revenge for the harm she'd caused and so he'd ending up estranged from Harry for the second time in his godson's life. He'd messed up comprehensively when it came to his best friend's son so he had to do this right - he couldn't afford to let him down a third time.
Today, it finally, truly hit him just how deeply his best friend's son still blamed himself for Sirius' death, even now he knew Sirius/he'd survived. Harry was still inconsolable about being lured into the Ministry of Magic by Voldemort trying to get hold of that damned stupid self-fulfilling prophesy in the Department of Mysteries. The truth was though that the culpability for his 'death' could be laid fairly and squarely at three individuals' feet: Voldemort for the ambush, using him to lure Harry to the Ministry, Bellatrix for pushing him through the veil and Dumbledore for deliberately moulding a young wizard who felt that he had to handle Voldemort on his own and couldn't call on adults to be…adults.
Tony had been biding his time, trying to find the best time to deal with these extremely delicate topics. He realised a couple of things as he lay awake thinking about everything that went down today. First off, if he was looking for the perfect time to try and talk to Harry regarding his misplaced sense of guilt, then he'd never get around to it. There would always be something to get in the way – right now it was his injury, thanks to Kort's skill with a knife. And second, if he waited until they returned to London then Harry would be far less open to listening to what he had to tell him. He would have other crap on his mind and he would also be more likely to fall back into entrenched patterns of thinking and feeling. In that environment, a change in attitude was much harder to achieve. Here, Harry was less sure – even a trip to the shops was something that had made his think about what he was doing…what he knew.
So really, he needed to bite the bullet and get it done. Tomorrow… umm today was D-day. Time to use some tough love to help Harry see that he had nothing to feel guilty for. Perhaps that was the real reason Hermione wanted him to stay home today.
The harsh truth was that the whole FUBAR debacle at the Ministry of Magic would never have occurred if Dumbledore had done his job properly. Fobbing off his responsibility to teach Harry occlumency onto Snape was inexcusable. After all, he had ample evidence that a) Severus Snape was a pathetic tutor and b) Severus hated Harry's guts for surviving Voldemort's attack instead of Lily, and looking like a mini James. The old fool should have damned-well taught Harry how to organise and shield his thoughts from Voldemort himself. Occlumency was a highly intimate undertaking since it wasn't possible to learn it without the tutor carrying out or attempting to read the student's mind, whether they wanted them to or not.
How could Albus honestly believe that Harry could cope with Snape forcing his way into his innermost thoughts and memories and rooting around in there. Even more relevant – how could he assume that Snape was principled enough not to abuse those memories to help him psychologically and emotionally denigrate and abuse Harry's fragile trust in adults.
If Dumbledore was so damned afraid of Voldemort that he couldn't fulfil his duty of care to Harry and teach him occlumency, he had a responsibility to ensure he received instruction from a competent teacher (competency defined not just by ability but emotional and psychological stability). Sirius would have found a way to pay for it if he'd had an inkling of what Snape had done to Harry. Even if as an escapee, he couldn't access the Black family fortune he'd have sold off some of the Black Family heirlooms in Knockturn Alley, if it had come down to it. Whatever it took; he'd have done it!
Failing to give him the proper tools to be able to shield his thoughts meant Harry paid a terrible burden for their incompetence and neglect. Even after the war ended, the guilt he carried was slowly but inexorably crushing him. Tony (because, after all these years undercover it was how he thought of himself these days) hoped Dumbledore was roasting in hell for letting it happen. But then, his godson, in Dumbledore's grand scheme wasn't supposed by survive the war, so he probably never considered the legacy he'd left his young student to live with.
Unable to sleep, Tony rolled carefully out of bed and padded out to the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of iced tea which he sipped, trying to calm his angry thoughts. He ambled over to the baby grand piano which belonged to Anthony DiNozzo's mother, Charlotte Amelia DiNozzo nee Paddington, which strangely enough had become almost as important to him as is had been for Anthony. Even though Charlotte had been from a blue-blood family she was also an alcoholic but Anthony had fond memories of her teaching him to play piano and going to see movies with her. They were pretty much his only positive memories of her. Still, the only positive memories he has of Lady Walberga Black was the day he ran away from home and decided he'd never see her again.
Playing seemed to calm him and even Padfoot settled down and when beset by chronic nightmares and insomnia, he would spend hours playing to chase away the ugly images inside his head. Casting a privacy charm so he didn't wake Harry, he sat down at the piano bench, his fingers roaming across the keyboard, softly playing an eclectic mix of music from classical, blues and jazz pieces. Finally, he moved onto Anthony's all-time favourites - classics from the Rat Pack era including Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Junior and Frank Sinatra.
As usual, it helped soothe his troubled thoughts.
~o0o~
Tony wasn't the only person who couldn't sleep that night. Hermione was thinking about Harry's comments during their last intercontinental Skype call. Even over the laptop, the weight of his grief was obvious to her. She wasn't a violent witch, despite her war record but she wished she could line up the people who had hurt Harry so badly and make them feel even a fraction of the pain that he endured for all their massive trespasses against him. They'd committed crimes that they should be paying for but unfortunately most of them were beyond her reach – already dead. There were many people who had hurt him over the years but honestly, she'd settle for the main participants: Voldemort, Vernon and Petunia Dursley, Dumbledore, Severus Snape, Bellatrix Lestrange and Peter Pettigrew paying their karmic taxes. As far as she was concerned they all deserved to reside for eternity in the circles of hell for what they'd inflicted upon him.
If Harry had been older and more worldly when he defeated Voldemort, he might have realised that much of what he was feeling was survivor's guilt and PTSD. If Mad-Eyed Moody had survived the battle he would probably have taken him in hand, and in his rough and ready tough love fashion, kicked Harry's arse up hill and down dale over his survivor's guilt, explaining that it was a normal but unjustified reaction to all he'd been through. Unfortunately, the veteran Auror died valiantly on the battlefield and no one else had the foresight to understand what a young Harry, barely an adult was going through – especially when all the other casualties who died in the final battle were added into the equation.
Hermione when she was older, had returned to the non-magical world to study psychology in the non-magical world. Belatedly, she realised that he was a victim of the phenomenon where the survivor experiences feelings of deep guilt for surviving a catastrophe which took the lives of many others. It was now considered to be a symptom of PTSD rather than its own separate syndrome and there was little wonder that he would be battling both. She also observed how he'd transformed some of his feelings of guilt into the canonising of Severus Snape and Albus Dumbledore, neither one who survived the final battle. Over the intervening years, she watched on in dismay as they both became larger than life and could do no wrong in Harry's eyes.
Since neither wizard was a saint, this had disturbed her greatly, she wished that her best buddy would talk to her about his guilt instead of 'shutting it up inside a trunk and not dealing with it.' Alas it was a topic Harry wouldn't discuss with her…or anyone.
So, when she found out by accident that Sirius was still alive she'd jumped at the chance to bring him back into their lives, again. She truly believed if anyone had a chance of getting through to him and helping him recover, it would be his godfather. In fact, while she believed that Harry refused to accept the position of director of the DMLE because of the entrenched corruption in the Ministry and the community, she also felt that a part of his refusal stemmed from his overwhelming guilt. He probably felt he didn't deserve the top job when he 'let' so many others die, or he felt like he had too much good fortune already with a job he loved and a family he adored.
She had no doubt that Sirius could run the DMLE well and help her to combat the entrenched corruption and entitled purebreds who thought they should have carte blanche to run their world. But she was also desperately hoping that he could help Harry to heal and find the peace that she knew he was still seeking. Having his godfather around to help him face his demons was going to be a crucial step to his letting go of the guilt that was drowning her best friend.
Family was important to Harry James Potter, as it was for Sirius Orion Black. Both wizards would die for their loved ones…had died for their loved ones and carried around way too much baggage because of what life had thrown at them. There were spooky parallels to their lives and Hermione was firmly convinced if anyone could relate to Harry and help him it would be Sirius. She just hoped that he'd take the hint when she ordered him to stay home from NCIS for another day and he'd tackle the touchy topic of the Marauders, Lily and Snape at Hogwarts.
She knew it wouldn't miraculously cure what ailed her best friend but it would hopefully let him take the first step in what would be a long and painful journey. Maybe even a lifelong one.
~o0o~
Meanwhile, back in Sirius' DC apartment not surprisingly, Harry was also far too wound up to sleep. In the last few days, his world had been turned upside down. First by the fatal run in with Rookwood slash Kort, and Auror Potter couldn't help wondering how many former Death Eaters had done what Kort had done and escaped overseas into the non-magical world. Hell, with the current acceptance of tattoos, no one here would even think twice about their dark mark – except to try to copy it. Then he'd been caught off guard by an explosive conversation he and his godfather had in the hospital that had shaken him far more than he wanted to admit.
Turning over in the very comfortable bed with what Sirius said were Egyptian cotton sheets, trying to settle and persuade his overactive brain to switch off so he could sleep, he heard his godfather getting up and wandering about the flat …um apartment. Harry knew he often got up when he couldn't sleep to play the baby grand piano in the living room, although Sirius always cast a privacy charm so he wouldn't wake his godson or disturb his neighbours.
Which Harry found beyond weird, since Sirius hadn't played the piano when he was in Britain; he'd changed a lot since being in the US although some things remained the same. Padfoot was still like a huge daft puppy. Well he was until his protective side was engaged and then he became lethal – as Trent Kort had belatedly discovered.
Life since Kort died had been full on and Harry hadn't had time to properly process the whole conversation at the hospital with Sirius about Severus Snape's undercover career. Truthfully, his emotions were all over the place – as a kid at Hogwarts he'd hated Snape for all the horrible comments he uttered about him and especially his venomous vilification of his father. Plus, he been appalled by him fouling his and other students' potions during class; it had been damned petty of him. Then there was Snape's unfair detentions for every house BUT Slytherin and his inequitable deducting of points for the most pitiful excuse - such as breathing too loudly. In contrast, Severus' precious Snakes got away with the most egregious behaviour without punishment – often he gave them bonus points.
Then much later, he discovered Severus was undercover, that he hadn't murdered Dumbledore, that he had been such a hateful person. He learnt that he'd acted like a total berk because he was Dumbledore's undercover mole, a spy for the light, and had to protect his cover. It radically and dramatically changed his perception of the potions master – Merlin's Beard – after the war Harry had called his son after him and Dumbledore when all was said and done. He viewed him a hero of the resistance – someone of integrity and great courage who the son of James Potter, (who was his mortal enemy) looked up to and greatly admired.
Years later, he was in the US with Sirius who was supposed to be dead but was alive and asserting that Severus hadn't been protecting his cover as Dumbledore's mole from Voldemort and his Death Eaters at all. Or else if that was his motivation, then it had been the dumbest undercover operation ever executed and Voldemort would have known exactly what he was up to - so it had all been for nothing. All the pain and suffering Snape and Dumbledore had inflicted on several generations of witches and wizards and the fallout -it affected so many careers after wizards and witches left Hogwarts (which was supposed to be the best magical school in the world). Truly it had impacted negatively on all their society.
Now, given all the information about working undercover that Sirius had dropped in his lap when he explained how to protect your cover, moles, double agents and Chinese military strategists, Harry felt like his head was about to explode. He'd badly wanted to argue with Sirius, tell him he was wrong, that Snape had no choice, because if Pads was right, then Harry had to rethink so many of his assumptions and opinions. It was truly a nightmare for him to contemplate and with a head pounding like a bunch of house elves were inside hammering in tandem on his skull, he wanted to avoid thinking about it at all costs.
Of course, part of the reason why he'd desperately needed to believe that Severus Snape was a dyed-in-the-wool genuine hero of the light was because of his knowledge that James had tormented him unmercifully when they were in the same year at Hogwarts. He also knew that Sirius set Severus up with Remus in his lycan state during a full moon and Remus aka Mooney could easily have killed Snape or turned him. When Harry found out about the Marauder's behaviour he had been appalled and ashamed by their actions – having been the victim of bullying himself. He also felt terrible guilt because James was his dad and his dad was a bully, as was his closest friend.
Then he discovered that Snape had been his mother's special friend. Her first magical friend after she found out she was a witch.
Severus was Lily's Hermione and Ron. Snape had been there for her when her sister had had a difficult time accepting her as a witch, long before she went to Hogwarts. Harry had also learnt that Snape had loved her romantically; that he'd vowed to keep her son (him) safe because of his unrequited love for Lily Evans. He learnt that she'd betrayed Snape by marrying his bitterest enemy - the wizard who had bullied him unmercifully.
Harry felt confused, he was ashamed that his mother would treat her friend like that. He would never have done that to Hermione or Ron, even when things had been difficult between them. Ron had said some ugly things to him during the Tri Wizard Tournament and also when they had destroyed the locket together but Harry had forgiven him because they were mates. When Hermione had dobbed him into McGonagall and had his new broom from Sirius confiscated their friendship had been strained for months but he had absolved her because she was his best friend. So, he couldn't understand how Lily could let one little comment sour years of friendship and he felt overwhelming guilt because clearly, Snape had never found someone to replace her.
That knowledge that he was his mother's best friend had completely changed his attitude to the potions professor – and Lily too. Suddenly, he saw him as a tragic figure who'd sacrificed his life for Lily's memory. He'd become a spy, trying to save the wizarding world from Voldemort - all to honour her memory, despite her betrayal of their friendship.
His death had been another tragic sacrifice, along with his parents, Sirius, Remus and Tonks, Dumbledore, Fred and everyone else who died. Especially since Harry died, and yet out of all the deserving individuals, he'd been given a second chance – getting to return to life again. He'd gone on to get married and have kids, achieving his dearest ambition – to have his own family and live a peaceful, prosperous life. Severus lay cold and dead in a grave – where was the fairness in that equation?
Hermione had tried over the years to talk to him about his guilt but he'd shut her out since she couldn't possibly understand what he was going through. He refused to talk about it – thought he'd come to terms with everything and moved on with his life.
Until the night at the hospital, when Sirius made his strike upon the huge elephant in the room that they'd both been steadfastly ignoring ever since their reunion, he held his tongue - mostly. So far, he'd been quite cagey, re his feelings about Snape, focusing purely on Harry's contention that Snape behaved the way he did because he was under cover and had no choice but to be an arsehole. Yet, while remaining narrowly focused on his time as the potions master undercover, Pads had systematically and surgically demolished Harry's long held belief that Snape had been acting to protect his cover as Dumbledore's spy.
Finding out that the foundation upon which he'd created a Professor Snape who was noble and self-sacrificing – who treated him and others like dragon shit because he had no other choice if Voldemort was to be defeated – was a rocky one, left him in physical pain. Thinking about it, his gut burned, his throat ached and he felt like his head was going to explode. Plus, his anxiety levels spiked when he allowed himself to examine his long held assumptions and see them for the faulty logic they were. Even the monumental pedestal he placed Snape and Dumbledore on began to developing some serious cracks in the foundations. As it crumbled his guilt ratcheted up, teetering towards panic attack level. Desperate, he found himself grasping at straws. Looking at someone…something else to blame for Severus' behaviour.
'Okay so he was undercover but Riddle knew he was a mole because he couldn't control his anger, prejudice and his hatred for me specifically.
But… when he looked at me, all he saw was my dad James…the man that tormented him for seven years at Hogwarts and stole the love of his life away from him and then she died. It's understandable he was so angry…you can't really blame him.'
~o0o~
Tony knew how much Harry idolised Snape and Dumbledore although he'd made his opinion clear when it came to Dumbledore. Snape was a much more complicated proposition and it was because of his own troubled relationship with the greasy-haired wizard, who he'd gone to school with. His own guilt made him hold his tongue about Harry's gushing adulation of the murderous bastard. Well he'd remained silent until he'd called Harry out about Snape's decimation of the Healer and Auror ranks while he was the Potions Professor. Although in all fairness, he still had some drugs on board when he decided it was a good time and perhaps it had been the right time – who knows?
Nevertheless, he'd tried to demolish some of Harry's bizarre assumptions about the former Death Eater, particularly the notion that his obnoxious and patently unprofessional behaviour as a teacher was not something he had a choice about. That he had to behave that way to disguise the fact that he was Dumbledore's mole in Voldemort camp even though most of the Death Eaters had attended Hogwarts themselves and would have known that the Headmaster wouldn't protect Snape's terrible teaching record unless he was getting something reasonably valuable in return. After all, Dumbledore had refused to hire Tom Riddle because he felt that it would not be in the student's best interests to be in contact with him.
It left anyone who chose to analyse the situation with the conclusion re Severus Snape's tenure at Hogwarts: 1- He was such an emotionally immature/narcissistic individual that he was incapable of controlling his behaviour (and therefore had no business being granted the privilege of teaching children). 2 - He and Dumbledore had the combined intelligence quotient of a stinging nettle plant (and therefore neither should ever have been let within 10 furloughs of a student). 3 - Snape and Dumbledore were so arrogant and incapable of logical thought that they never bothered to consider the implications to their deception of letting Snape throw a ginormous tantrum for two decades. Which was why they endangered the students with such a blatantly obvious attempt to trick Voldemort.
Tony's private opinion was that it was a little of number 3 and a lot of number 1. And while he was prepared to accept that Snape had regretted becoming a Death Eater and had changed sides, it didn't necessarily mean that he accepted that Snape was reformed or he was truly remorseful. Privately, he felt that the only reason he fell out with his fellow Death Eaters and Voldemort specifically, was because his precious Dark Lord broke his promise (big surprise there) and killed Lily Potter. They had a bargain that Voldemort would kill Harry and James and leave Lily alive because Snape had always believed that Lils belonged to him and that James stole her away.
However, knowing Harry's feelings about Snape, thanks to several prior conversations with Hermione, Tony knew he had to proceed with caution, lest he drive his godson further into worshiping on the altar of Saint Severus. Of course, Harry was an adult and if he wanted to believe that Snape was Merlin reincarnated then it wasn't anyone else's business, normally. The only problem was that Hermione had confided in him that she believed that he suffered from survivor's guilt which was a symptom of PTSD and to Sirius' jaundice eye, he could also see the signs himself. Her estimation was that Harry's way of dealing with his guilt was to elevate Dumbledore and Snape to the status of almost demi-gods instead of work his way through all the anger, the conflicting, complex emotions and his feelings of betrayal from all they'd done to him.
Sirius and Anthony DiNozzo and their melded persona - Tony - who was a mix of them both, with some Padfoot along with his goofiness and protectiveness thrown in for good measure - had more than their own fair share of not dealing with their emotions and deluding themselves. So, he also knew how debilitating it could be to live like that.
After delivering his Working Undercover for Dummies Lecture, he probably would have left well enough alone, since he hated people messing with his head except for what he learnt from Harry's best friend. He'd mostly decided to deliver the lecture because it would form the basis of his new training course for baby-Aurors, as well as his planned new squad of undercover Aurors and he was pretty sure that Harry would be signing up for the training anyway. The last thing he wanted was to wrong foot his godson in the middle of a classroom surrounded by his peers. So, when he saw Harry's shattered expression and heard his anguished attempt to justify everything he'd told himself for so long, Tony knew he had made the right call to deal with this topic in private.
Listening to Harry's defence of Snape had made Tony mad. Not just mad – it confirmed for him the things that Hermione reported and her suspicions about his PTSD and Survivor Guilt.
Flashback:
Tony and Hermione were seated on his sofa, in the days following her discovery of him living in the US along with his new identity catching up on all the things that had happened since his 'death.'
They were demolishing some Indian takeout and drinking ice cold beer. Hermione had ordered in a heap of dishes and Tony had no idea what they were. Indian food was not a very popular cuisine in the US and although Sirius was from the UK, his knowledge of Indian food had been pretty much restricted to carnivore curries. Hermione as a non-magical child had grown up amidst a multicultural melting pot of cuisines and as the daughter of two dentists had been brought up to eat healthy foods. As she explained to him, Indian food had won a tick of approval from her parents as being both healthy and incredibly flavoursome.
So Hermione had done the ordering. They had samosas – spiced vegetables in a pastry, pakora – battered vegetables (potatoes, cauliflower, onion, spinach, eggplant) naan bread, red tamarind chutney, green mint chutney and raita – a cooling yoghurt based mint condiment, dahl – lentil, tomato, ginger and coriander spiced stew, Tandoori chicken, Rogan Josh a mild beef curry and palak paneer - a spinach and soft cheese dish. When the various mains and starters where laid out on Tony's dining table he stared at the food and started laughing.
"Feeling peckish are you, Hermione? How the hell are we supposed to eat all this food?" he inquired in amazement. "And where do you put it?" he demanded staring at her petite and lithe stature.
Chuckling, because according to Hermione, Ministers of Magic Elect didn't giggle (although Tony swore that it sounded more a giggle than a chuckle) she shrugged. "Yes I was hungry and I couldn't make up my mind so I ordered it all. I'll take some home to Toby and you can take leftovers into work for lunch, tomorrow. Curries tastes better the next day, anyway," she contended.
"I guess," he conceded, loading up his plate with a bit of everything to try.
The food turned out to be excellent. It was just unfortunate, due to the nature of their discussion, neither of them properly enjoyed the wonderful assortment of dishes.
Hermione was explaining to him what had gone on in Harry's tutoring session with Professor Snape.
"I'm telling you Snuffles, he forced his way into Harry's mind…he mentally raped him." Hermione huffed angrily at the thought of her friend being hurt. "Dumbledore ordered Snape to teach him occlumency after Harry dreamed about Arthur Weasley being attacked by Riddle's familiar in the Department of Mysteries when he was after the prophecy about Harry and himself.
"Snape refused to teach him anything – just told him to protect his mind and then he'd proceed to attack Harry mentally, forcing his way into his thoughts and his memories…time after time. He spied on his most private thoughts…his fears and his nightmares. He battered down his teenage mental defences and he mocked him, told him he was weak and useless."
Sirius was furious. Not that he disagreed that Harry should have been taught occlumency – he needed to be protected from a maniac. When he learnt that Harry was going to receive tutoring in occlumency he was in hiding, having pretty much exchanged one prison (Azkaban) for another (Grimauld Place) and Dumbledore had essentially become his new gaoler. The truth was that mentally, emotionally and physically he'd been a mess and no one had done anything to try to help him heal, so it wasn't surprising that he'd never noticed how much Harry was suffering during his tutoring sessions. At the time, he agreed that it was vital for Harry to learn to shield his thoughts to protect himself.
The trouble was now that Tony had 20 20 hindsight it was a close call which maniac he needed protection from more – Dumbledore and Snape were arguable as bad as Voldemort as far as he was concerned.
"Why for Merlin's freakin sake, didn't Dumbledumber teach Harry occlumency himself? He was an expert in occlumency as well as a legilimens."
Hermione scowled. "Because as near as I can figure out after putting together the pieces, he was terrified that Riddle would use Harry as a conduit and get to him and discover he knew about the horcruxes. So, he told Snape to do it instead."
"Oh, for fuck's sake, this was the Brains Trust - supposed to lead wizards and witches to the Light side. No wonder it took so bloody long to defeat Voldemort and his band of Merry Death Eaters. Probably also accounts for why he was happy to recruit children to fight for the cause and make sure Aurors and child soldiers could only deliver non-lethal spells while Death Eaters were free to use killing curses and Unforgivable curses against us. Honestly, I swear that Albus Dumbledore was depriving some poor bucolic village of their idiot, Hermione."
At that point, the thought of the torture Harry had endured in a futile effort to learn occlumency was more than Tony could bear. He couldn't stop himself from changing into Padfoot and killing a throw pillows, ripping the expensive linen material to shreds as he growled at it, shaking the filling like he would prey before he carried the filling into the laundry in his muzzle. Finally, he cocked his leg and pissed all over it, continuing to growl fiercely, his fur pilo-erect and his ears and whiskers flattened.
Hermione figured he was imagining that the cushion was Dumbledore or Snape. It looked cathartic. Frankly she envied him his animalistic outlet for his feelings.
When Sirius finally shifted back to his human form he stalked back out to the living area and sat down at the piano, playing classical music moodily for a while before he finally managed to gain control of himself. Hearing that Snape had been in Hermione's words 'mentally raping' a naïve 15-year-old boy-wizard – Lily and James' precious baby boy – enraged him. He wished he could resurrect Snape and Dumbledore for Harry's sake and inflict even a little of the torture they'd wreaked on Harry. Albus, the old narcissist had known damned well how much Snape despised Harry and yet he let him loose to give private lessons, effectively giving him license to mentally rape his godson's mind. And even if he didn't have a freakin clue. he had to know that Snivellus Snape absolutely sucked as a teacher.
He growled, "Okay, so do you suppose that's why Harry's in denial about the Greasy Git and tells everyone that Snape's bullying crap was all an act because he was undercover?" he interrogated Hermione closely. "Because that's behaviour totally consistent with quite a lot of the victims of rape and domestic abuse that I've worked with. Survivors justify and excuse the inexcusable. They convince themselves it was their fault – that they were asking for it."
Hermione looked thoroughly disgusted. "I wish it was that clear cut, Sirius. From what I finally managed to get out of Harry after his last 'occlumency lesson' with Snape, I knew something totally catastrophic happened. He was in a perilous state although I didn't understand at the time – I know now that he was on the point of having a psychological breakdown. Hind sight – what a wondrous gift!"
"Why didn't he say something to you or Ron. You were his best friends. He told you about the fake vision of me in the Ministry?"
"Yes but Dumbledore told him he couldn't tell anyone about the connection or the occlumency."
Sickened, since Tony had seen similar tactics employed by paedophiles and sexual predators against their victims, he started snarling as Padfoot struggled, wanting to transform again. Having Harry worship these two monsters was almost more than he, than Pads could endure and even more he cursed his stupid desire to gain revenge for Lily and James death all those years ago. He should have refused to surrender baby Harry to Hagred, Hogwarts salt of the earth ground keeper and Dumbledore's loyal general factotum. He could have just disappeared to Europe, America or Australasia with the toddler and left the old fool to save the world.
"So Dumbledore left him utter defenceless and he couldn't even ask for help."
Hermione looked as angry as he felt. "It took ages before he confessed what had happened. I finally managed to wear him down when we were on the hunt for Horcruxes and Ronald had left us in the lurch to go home to Mollie and get his belly filled. After he'd eaten all our food," she confided, dryly. "I was pretty adept at nagging you know, and weakened by lack of food, tired and cold, Harry caved and admitted to what had happened in the occlumency lessons" she concluded gravely.
Tony stared at her. He could tell by her tense posture and by the furrows between her eyebrows that the Minister of Magic Elect (as she had still been at that point) was not just upset, she was furiously angry. Hell, he could smell the anger oozing out of her pores. So, knowing her explosive temper, (she'd punched Draco Malfoy and broken his nose after all) he decided to just let her tell him what she needed to, minus a lot of dumbass interruptions. His nose had already been broken numerous times, so he decided it was probably better for them both if she told him what she wanted to in her own time.
"I'm truly not sure if Snape was such a pathetic teacher that his strategy to teach him occlumency consisted of brutally attacking Harry to motivate him to fight back, or he was just a sadist and enjoyed torturing him." She observed dispassionately, ignoring Sirius' silently snarling since it was the only way she could recount what Sirius needed to know to help her best friend heal. It was ugly and hard to talk about but necessary, unfortunately
Standing up, the witch stalked across to kitchen, retrieving two more bottles of beer from the refrigerator and took a healthy slug of the cold brew. Walking back to the sofa, she offered him another beer.
She returned to the dining table and gathered up the naan bread, chutneys and the raita and brought them over to the coffee table so they could pick at them and sank back down again and began to speak once more. It wasn't that she was hungry after the large dinner they'd eaten but honestly, she thought the raita might help cool the burning anger in her gut.
"Anyway… Harry found himself alone in Snape's quarters one day and his personal pensieve was just sitting there, out in the open and he couldn't help himself. He snooped into it, which was wrong, obviously, but he was resentful and feeling victimised. And he saw something bad, something so personal that Snape flipped out (because yes Snape caught him red handed) and refused to ever 'teach him' occlumency again."
She looked at him – waiting for a response.
He scowled. "And this was bad news? How?"
"Well not the cessation of the occlumency lessons, clearly, but what Harry found out when he saw of Snape's memories in the pensieve. It damaged him deeply."
Looking at her blank expression, Sirius gathered it was bad. "Okay…what did Harry find out about."
"He learnt why James and Snape hated each other… learnt that the Marauders taunted and teased Snape unmercifully."
Sirius paled, knowing she was holding something else back. After all, he was a skilled interrogator and he had a fair idea where this was going. "What else did he see, Hermione?" he asked gently but firmly
"You and Snape… and then James saving Snape from Remus during the full moon when he was in his werewolf form and he nearly killed Snape."
"Sirius winced, his features ashen. "So you and Harry know my deepest darkest shame. How totally, idiotically stupid…impetuous and unable to control my anger I was as a teenage wizard – how much of a Black I truly was."
Hermione nodded. "I studied developmental psychology, Sirius. I know how immature the teenage brain is, especially the male brain and therefore how it can make some appallingly bad decisions. Its why the justice system treats minors differently to adults, after all – and at first when I learnt about what you'd nearly done, I was very judgemental about it. However, I was still a teenager myself and while I was smart, I wasn't wise or worldly.
"By the time I did my psych courses, I had the emotional maturity to be able to put it into context. You were an awful idiot, which is part of being a kid -especially one from a background where you had such poor role models. Just like Harry choosing to spy on Snape was wrong and dumb or going charging off to the Ministry of Magic without talking to an adult first. Like me deciding to brew polyjuice and stealing the ingredients from Snape's supplies," she confessed ruefully.
"But…Sirius, you matured and made something of yourself, despite having some pretty major obstacles put in you path along the way. You entered law enforcement in the service of others, joining the Aurors to help others, which showed that you had grown and learnt from your mistake. You weren't much more than a kid when you were framed and incarcerated but you still didn't let it ruin you. Although Harry was disappointed in you, he was utterly shattered by learning that James was a bully and a prat. James, who he'd put on a pedestal."
Tony went to defend his best friend…his brother in all but blood but then he decided to stay silent and listen to what Hermione had to tell him.
"First he was told by his aunt and uncle his parents were drunks and losers and then when he finally arrives at Hogwarts he learns they are heroes – that they and himself have achieved practically mythical status. Snape makes constant jibes about him and his father – everyone else is lionising Lily and James. Naturally Harry hates Snape and big surprise, he defends his father staunchly." Her slight smirk a tell, indicating to the experienced cop that Hermione's choice of descriptor about the former Gryffindor was not coincidental.
"Then Harry, presumably in a flood of righteous anger at how Snape has been treating him and seeing the antipathy between you and him decided to get back at him. So, snooping into Snape's memories in the pensieve after he'd been violently forcing himself inside Harry's head must have seemed like poetic justice. Then Harry sees James for the first time in his conscious memory (aside from photos) and he discovers that his own dad is a bully – like Snape. Like Draco. Like Lucius Malfoy. Like Vernon and Dudley. Everyone who has made his life a misery.
Sudden, Harry starts to see Snape not as a bully but as a pathetic, weak little weasel – a victim, rather than a cruel, egotistical predator and the bully that he always thought he was. He feels empathy for him because Snape's been bullied too and Harry feels disgust, shame and anger at his own father. And since Severus has spent his entire time at Hogwarts telling him that Harry was just like his father, he feels guilty and takes on the sins of the father."
Hermione glanced at Sirius, seeing the barely contained rage and put a calm small, surprisingly strong hand on his bicep.
"But Harry only got to see one side of the conflict between James and Snape." The furious wizard growled out at her. "There's an idiom that I learnt while I was here – that no matter how flat you make a pancake, there's always two sides."
"Yes I'm aware of that – that not only are there at least two sides to every situation or argument; there are often multiple ones. And like you Sirius, I know very well that when we're dealing with memories – especially those which involve strong emotions that they can be unreliable. Memories can be greatly influenced. Strong emotions can alter a memory."
Sirius nodded "Yeah, witness testimony is notoriously unreliable in investigating a crime, for example. Especially when there are heightened emotions involved – like fear or anger and even excitement and joy. Lots of false IDs of killers have occurred that illustrate that phenomenon perfectly."
"Which brings me to the other part of Harry's problem."
"What, that isn't enough for him to have deal with? There's more!" Sirius snapped irritably before giving her his huge pleading puppy dog eyes in contrition. He knew that he shouldn't be taking out his own anger and guilt on Hermione – it wasn't her fault. And, she was trying to help Harry; he had to stop shooting the messenger."
"Sorry, Hemione. I know you're not to blame. The trouble is the people who are to blame are all dead…apart from me." He replied contritely, deciding to take a leaf out of Abby Scuito's book when she'd created mop-people to keep her company. They were substitutes of the MCRT, with photos of their faces stuck to the janitorial mops in her department. Instead of mop-people he'd create punching-bag-people; it wasn't even close to having the real douche-bags there in the flesh to make them pay, but it could, perhaps, lower his blood pressure somewhat.
"It's okay, I know how much you care about him." Hermione assured him. "And to answer your question, he's had more than enough to cope with. But then Harry has always had bad luck when it comes to anything regarding his family. Makes you wonder if someone placed a curse on him when he came into the world." She shrugged, her manner non-committal despite her observation but it didn't fool him. Tony knew how much she cared about Harry.
Tony nodded, he'd had similar thoughts himself.
"I already told you that night we first found you again that Harry saw some of Snape's memories just before the final confrontation with Voldemort - he viewed them in the Headmaster's office in the pensieve?" she asked.
"Yeah, his memories of Dumbledore revealing his grand plan for dealing with that pesky horcrux named Harry James Potter." Tony sniped sarcastically. "That was Dumbledore's oh so wonderfully empathetic way of telling Harry he was the final one of the horcruxes that Voldemort created to make him immortal," he fumed.
"Dear Harry, now you've hunted down all the other horcruxes -good job. I may have neglected to mention that you are one too! Surprise! Now be a good little sacrificial piggy and go and find Tom Riddle, who I could have stopped, back when he was just a student needing guidance. Please let him strike you down with a killing curse so you can go on to the next great adventure and everyone else can go back to being selfish, insular and backward thinking twats living happily ever after. You've served your purpose and elevated me to the status of greatest wizard since Merlin. Good show. Your brilliant but never humble mentor, Albus Dumbledore."
She laughed, somewhat sardonically. "That sounds so ridiculous but it's true."
The two friends sat in silence for what seemed an age but what was in reality but a few minutes and they tried to master their fury before the witch broke the angry silence.
"Dumbledore didn't have the gonads to tell him face-to-face that he expected my best friend and your godson to meekly go out and stand in front of that caricature of a wizard who called himself a Dark Lord and let himself be killed. He didn't want him to have time to think about what he was being asked to do. He knew he was dying and he handed the job over to Snape instead of doing the dirty work himself," Hermione stated contemptuously.
"Makes you question who was the real Dark Lord, doesn't it?" he mused dangerously.
"True. Voldemort was like Hitler but Dumbledore was more like Rasputin, although they both were highly Machiavellian in some respects.
Hermione looked at Sirius, seeing a furrow between his eyebrows. It was one of his rare tells that he was troubled about something or trying to put a puzzle together. He had a way of thinking far outside the box and came up with insights that were shocking to her. She wasn't exactly a creative thinker but she admired anyone who was.
"What are you thinking?" She asked him curiously as the silence stretch out although it wasn't an awkward silence – rather one where he wasn't mentally present.
"I'm not sure." He said musingly. "I'll let you know when I figure it out."
Nodding in acceptance she returned to her account of Harry's issues. "Okay…I'll hold you to that. So, Snape's method of delivering the news which Dumbledore refused to tell Harry, consisted of viewing them in the pensieve since he was about to drop of the twig too. Harry saw him admitting to Snape that he'd deliberately forced Harry to live with Petunia because he wanted him to be humble and unhappy. He knew they treated him like one of the Malfoy's house elves so when the time he'd willing accept the fact he needed to die when he was told to.
"And if that wasn't enough to deal with - just before he went and let Voldemort kill him, Snape also included some other extremely traumatic memories too. Not just that his scar was a horcux but that Severus was Lily Evans best friend, even before he went to Hogwarts. That he was in love with Lily Evans and that they had a minor spat and how, when he tried to apologise, she rejected him. How Lily broke his heart forever by turning to James Potter, cruelly punishing him by marrying his tormentor – his worst enemy and having his baby."
Sirius snorted. "Calling your so-called best friend a mudblood is a little more significant than a minor spat, Hermione."
Hermione nodded. "I agree. If Harry or Ronald had insulted me so grievously after proclaiming they were my friend and 'loved me,' I'd damned well have rejected them too. There'd be no way on earth that I could ever accept their apology or remain their friend. Trouble is that Harry can't imagine just how derogatory that term is. He feels like his mother let Snape down by not forgiving and moving on."
"There was a lot more to it than that one ugly comment."
"That makes sense," she replied. "From all I know, Lily was a brilliant witch – she must have had a damned good reason to sever their friendship."
The witch pulled a piece of naan bread into two and used a piece to dipping it in the raita before going to place it in her mouth. Hesitating, she dropped the bread back on the plate and chugged down a mouthful of her beer instead, looking slightly green.
"You know how easily Harry forgives people," Hermione observed. So, I suppose it shouldn't be a shock that he thinks that Lily should have accepted Snape's apology because he feels guilty that both Lily and James made Severus' life a misery. He's probably convinced himself that's why Snape betrayed them to Voldemort when he was a Death Eater, telling him about the prophecy. Therefore, in that flawed thinking, it was their fault, not Snapes' that they died."
Sirius wasn't about to comment about his godson's readiness to accept blame for things he had no control over, since he was still trying to overcome that failing himself, but Hermione wasn't done with her analysis just yet. She'd saved the best 'til last.
"So not only does Harry battle survivor guilt but Snape messing around with his mind has created the perfect storm for fucking up his already complicated relationship with Lily and James."
Sirius stared at her gobsmacked. Not only for the bombshell she dropped about Prongs and Lily, but her letting fly with the F-bomb. That spoke absolute volumes about how pissed off and worried she had to be, since Hermione abhorred the use of foul language.
"So what do you suggest we do?" He asked her finally after a pregnant pause.
"I think you need to talk to him," she replied. "Give him an alternate point of view – as someone who was there."
"Yeah but as far as Harry's concerned, Snape is the martyred, unsung hero and James and I are the bullies, Hermione. He'd hardly be ready to listen to me, let alone care about what I think about it. I wasn't exactly an impartial bystander."
Hermione was silent – clearly she was thinking about what he'd said and he remained quiet too. He really appreciated that about her – she actually cared enough to listen to his concerns. Didn't try to fob him off with platitudes or tell him to suck it up. He remembered Gibbs lack of empathy when he ordered him to use Jeanne to help get information on a case (and didn't that end well with her thinking he'd lied to her again and telling him never to contact her again).
Gibbs didn't give a shit about how much angst it had caused him, so long as it closed the case – but when Diane Sterling, one of his exes were involved in a case it was fine for him to palm her off because he couldn't or wouldn't suck it up and deal with her. He'd bullied McGee into taking Diane home for protective custody when it would have been way more expedient for Gibbs or Fornell to simply take her back to one of their houses – not a one bedroom apartment jammed to the gills with tech stuff. But then rule # 1 of Gibbs should have been – Do as I say, not as I do – instead of Never screw over your partner.
Getting up and disappearing into the kitchen, he returned after several minutes with two cups of steaming aromatic chai tea. Handing one cup over to Hermione, he sat while she continued to regard him intently.
"So if this was a case you were presenting to a juror instead of talking to Harry, what would you do?" She asked, finally.
He thought about that carefully. "Honestly? I'd try to find another witness because the juror wouldn't like me when they heard about the history between Snape and me," he replied candidly.
Hermione nodded. "Okay but that's not an option in this case, Sirius. Everyone else is dead. So, I'm sure sometimes you're forced to use less than perfect witnesses for the prosecution. How do you go about making them over for the trial if you're the prosecutor?"
Tony didn't even hesitate. "Disclose anything upfront that the defence would bring up to try to discredit the witness," he answered promptly. "So I should get in first and confess about James and my history with Severus? The only problem with that strategy is that he already knows about it Hermione," he pointed out dispiritedly.
"No… he knows ONE side of the story and like I said, I doubt that Snape was totally blameless. Even if he was, Harry still needs to hear your side of what happened."
Tony thought about her advice – she was after all an incredibly smart witch. And with maturity had come wisdom. What she said made sense.
"Yeah, I guess you're right…but it's not going to be easy. He reveres Dumbledore and Snape so much. I'm sure you know about cognitive dissonance?"
Hermione smiled slightly, "I'll refrain from making the obvious snarky rejoinder not to teach your grandmother to suck eggs, Snuffles," she commented drolly and breathed in the spicy scent of her tea. "Instead I'll say, good point! So, you need a multi-pronged attack. Maybe you shouldn't hit him with it all at once. Tackle it in stages and then let it settle. If you hit him with it all at once he'll feel besieged and shut down," she advised as Tony nodded in agreement.
"So let's practise," she suggested.
"What?" he squawked, caught off guard by her suggestion.
"Don't solicitors…um attorneys rehearse testimony with their witnesses?"
He nodded.
"So make me your guinea pig instead of Harry. Tell me about when you almost managed to kill Severus." She commanded, getting comfortable on the sofa - her eyes sympathetic but firm.