When Shizuo traps him in a corner and wraps him up in his impossibly strong arms, digging his fingers into his shoulders hard enough to leave bruises that will ache for days, Izaya thinks that it this might be what dying feels like.

When Shizuo tells him to shut up, threatens to crush him, and then squeezes so hard that Izaya can't breathe for a moment it's more than dying. It's too much. There's too much of everything.

Izaya thinks that he has been hugged by someone bigger than himself before. He thinks that he must have. His parents must've held him at some point. It's just that Izaya can't remember it. He has no memory of being enveloped in warm, strong arms. It's too much for Izaya to handle but he wants more. Some repressed, unreasonable need for contact wells up in from his chest and it hurts and it makes him feel sick but then the feeling catches in his throat. This awful, sick feeling constricts his breathing and he has to blink rapidly to clear the tears that jump into his eyes. He doesn't know why this is happening, but he can't choke the question out.

And then Shizuo presses his face into Izaya's hair and breathes deeply like he did when Izaya was hiding from him in the back of the closet behind boxes of junk and Izaya can't think of anything anymore. He last, fleeting thought is in thanks for his cross-legged position that keeps Shizuo from pressing into the entire front half of his body.

More. Izaya feels, not thinks. More, more, I need more…

Izaya has never been good at knowing where the line of too much is.

And then Shizuo's hand slides over the tension Izaya didn't know he was holding in his upper back. It's so warm and it feels so good and Izaya can't get enough of it. He aches all over in the best way. Feels like he's having a pure, religious experience and like he's about to cum in his pants again like the sinner he knows he is.

"Izaya," and Izaya is so weak for that gruff, bass voice. "Tell me everything you've found about me in the school archives."

And then Izaya realizes he hasn't experienced what dying feels like at all, but he's about to.

Struggling, of course, is useless. That same strength he can't get enough of still applies but in his panic, Izaya doesn't think of the futility of the situation. If Shizuo wants to keep Izaya still, he's got no power to stop it. Izaya just wishes his lower half would realize that he is about to be murdered.

"I can prove you were in the office, you left your jacket. It's been over a week but it still reeks of you."

As the reality of the situation crashes down on Izaya he first wants to punch himself for being so stupid, but then decides that how was I supposed to know Shizuo's got the nose of a bloodhound? That's just not fair!

Shizuo tells Izaya everything he already knows and is freakishly right for his entire victory being dumb luck.

And then, Shizuo says the worst thing of all. He asks to claim his prize.

Shizuo wants to end their game. Never wanted to play it to begin with and how could I be so stupid as to think that maybe…

The tears that threaten to fall now are gross and ugly. A horrible combination of a long forgotten, bratty child that never grew up and wants to throw a tantrum for more attention, and self-loathing for ever being foolish enough to think that maybe Shizuo would want to keep hanging out in this dusty old closet like a freak. Izaya swallows those tears, their bitter taste nostalgic, but still cannot look at Shizuo as he agrees to stay away from what Izaya dared to hope might be a friendship - twisted but real.

And then, Shizuo laughs. It doesn't sound like gloating, but it must be.

And then, Shizuo is quiet as he runs his warm and big hands from Izaya's shoulders and down his arms and Izaya is never going to feel them again.

But then, Shizuo engulfs Izaya's hands with his own. Their trembling and a bit clammy and Izaya doesn't know why.

But then, Shizuo says, almost too quiet, "I want you to come out with me."

what

"Just, just to the park or something, I mean… we just spend all our time together in this closet and… Yeah."

"... yeah, okay."

One of these days, Shizuo is going to kill him.

...

Shizuo's criminal history goes back further than most with his first in which the police were involved began in elementary school in which he assaulted some boys by sending a desk flying across the room.

"They were picking on me." Shizuo explains. "I actually can't remember what for, it was a long time ago, but in the moment it just felt like they deserved it, y'know?"

Izaya knows.

More incidents of a similar caliber kept happening, and gradually the scale of destruction escalated. Fights with more boys, older boys, boys who were looking to fight Shizuo on purpose became the norm. Shizuo's hospital trips and vandalism bills also became the norm.

"I wasn't born indestructible or anything." Shizuo tells Izaya, "I was in the hospital a lot as a kid because my body used to taking such extreme strain - but eventually it got used to it. Now I can get hit by a truck and it's not so bad."

"I did have one friend who visited me in the hospital all the time. He wouldn't shut up about wanting to dissect my body and see what made it tick. Pretty freaky for an elementary schooler, but I guess it makes sense that he's the only one who's want to be around me."

Izaya thinks that kid had the right idea. He wants to know Shizuo inside and out too.

One incident, in particular, stood out because it wasn't at school and Shizuo wasn't under attack. He trashed a store and ended up putting several adults in the hospital, including a woman.

"I don't really like to talk about that…" Shizuo mumbles and looks away, leg twitching. "I mean, I don't like to talk about any of them but that time… I really liked the lady who owned the shop okay?" Shizuo curls in on himself as he recounts the story from his perspective, mumbling so bad it's hard to understand him. "It was one of those kid crushes and some guys came in and were harassing her and… and I just wanted to save her. But I lost control and ending up ruining everything. That's all I'm good at."

Anger management counseling became a staple in Shizuo's school life. It cut into his class time so much it's no wonder his grades started to drop, but the school was too afraid of having Shizuo in class to change anything.

"Doesn't help for shit, but I still do the breathing and the counting every time I'm mad in case it does work some day. Only good part about counseling was finding a creative outlet - but that's a secret - got it?"

Izaya did not know Shizuo likes art.

Middle school was the worst for Shizuo's record. He had to change schools three times, started getting busted for smoking-

"The only thing that helps."

- lost touch with his odd friend Shinra and might've ended up in prison if it wasn't for-

"Tom." Izaya can feel a twang of jealousy just from the name. "I met him in my last year of middle school and he's still one of my best friends. He's the one who suggested I dye my hair cause it might ward people off if I look more like a bad guy. It doesn't help as much as spending my free time in here instead of outside does but it's not bad either. Then we started hanging around Kadota and now, here we are."

Sharing a pink, fuzzy sweater blanket in the storage closet in the back of the library while Izaya shares his findings in the school archives after repeatedly and sadistically tormenting a boy to better stalk Shizuo.

But it's only a matter of time before we both have to step out of this closet.