There are two sides to Heiwajima Shizuo.
As an avid people watcher, Izaya is well aware of the multiple lives and roles people play - it's the primary source of his fascination.
The duality of Shizuo is of special interest to Izaya.
There's the obvious duality. There's a Shizuo the public sees - a reckless kid who gets into brawls, bad grades, smokes on the school roof, and is in desperate need of guidance. Then, there's the Shizuo who hates violence and his reputation and is in desperate need of a peaceful life full of love.
Then there's the less obvious duality. There's what Izaya will call "Detective Heiwajima" for lack of a better name. The Shizuo with the determination for justice that will use violence for his morals. This Shizuo, Izaya theorizes, is evidence of nature rather than nurture. This Shizuo was born, not made, and still exists somewhere inside the blond delinquent. Then, there's what Izaya decides to call Corrupted Shizuo. The Shizuo who is by no means lawful good. The Shizuo who might let Izaya get away with murder because of a desire to be loved. This Shizuo, Izaya is sure, is evidence of nurture. This Shizuo was not born, but made, and is like a virus on Shizuo's true nature.
At one point in everyone's life they had small, fragile dreams which may reflect a child's nature. Dreams like being the best police officer - or the best poet - that get lost in the past or are intentionally smothered in the face of nurture.
Izaya wonders if the innocent, starry-eyed boy Shizuo must've been at some point would be proud of the man he's become. If the Shizuo that stands today is someone that little boy would look up to. Izaya supposes, that the best a person can do for the little child inside of them would be to become someone worth looking up to.
Izaya has no idea if Shizuo has cared for the little boy that's a part of him. All he knows is that he's been trying to kill the little boy inside of himself for years.
Izaya exits the station and steps out into the cold air of Shinjuku. Because in Shinjuku, no one knows him.
Tonight, in the alleys of Shinjuku, Izaya will survive a fight.
He will fight back, of course, but he knows better than to anticipate winning. For now, Izaya doesn't need to win. He needs to test himself, needs to know how he suffers, and he needs to survive a beating.
That's all he needs for now.
Izaya knows better than to think he won't have any sort of physical confrontation with the Blue Squares. Ideally, he won't, but that's only an ideal.
Shinjuku isn't known for its gang violence like Ikebukuro and it's a wealthier city, but that doesn't mean there's no violence. Izaya's pretty sure he can find some rich boys who think they're tough for practice.
He walks through a fair amount of well-light streets with no luck, but eventually, he finds the sort of dark alleys he's looking for. Most of them are empty, he searches for hours even though it feels like only a few minutes, but eventually, he finds the sort of people he's looking for.
Four teenage boys smoking brand-name cigarettes and boasting about the designer drugs they've tried.
While on the train Izaya had thought for awhile, making a plan for how to entice them into a fight while appearing like the victim. Then he realized, looking innocent tonight really doesn't matter. This isn't his city.
He also thought about how to hide the bruises he's about to get. He decides to invest in some higher-quality makeup.
Maybe I'll get some new lipstick while I'm at it. Kanra's going to need a finale look.
Izaya walks straight into the alley.
:::
Shizuo is still not over that dream he had on Valentine's Day.
How could he be? Sure Izaya said it was fine but even if that's true it doesn't make the situation any less mortifying. Shizuo has no idea how he's going to live it down. He basically molested Izaya in his sleep. He didn't mean to, it wasn't his intention when he laid down to nap with Izaya, but he still did it. He feels awful for it.
On top of that, it was a fucking weird wet dream. Not at all like the ones he normally has between him and some faceless, but still beautiful and petite older woman. It's not the fact that Izaya's a man that's freaking Shizuo out, although that is foreign territory. It's the fact that he was watching two Izaya's like some pervert voyeur. Two Izayas again.
Why couldn't it have been something nice and normal like watching just one Izaya masturbate? That's still embarrassing but at least it's normal!
Shizuo has no idea how to interpret the dream. He doesn't want a second Izaya in his life, that's for damn sure.
Thinking back to the dream reminds him of the villainous, dominant Izaya's words.
"All it would take is a little touch and you'd be all his…"
:::
Izaya's heart had been pounding in his ears all the way up till this moment. Now, he's perfectly calm, clear-headed, relaxed as he circles the furious boys. Each of them is like a bull with tunnel vision on Izaya - so Izaya keeps moving, keeps circling to keep them lined up so he only has to worry about one at a time rather than being surrounded. He feels serene, distant while he dodges slow punches and grabs that throw his attackers off balance.
Until a right hook collides with his jaw.
It's not enough to break it, but it hurts. Izaya's never been punched in the face before. He's had bullies shove him to the ground, give him a few half-hearted kicks. But he's never been punched in the face. Pain explodes in his brain and Izaya realizes…
He's never felt so alive before, so awake so here and now before.
And suddenly, Izaya loves the over-sized boy who made his head spin and his teeth rattle.
The blow sends him reeling back, it knocks him off balance and the boy - Izaya can see his face clearly now, can see the wild red haired and broad nose - the boy keeps pushing forward. He lunges forward with both arms outstretched to grab Izaya, but Izaya's not down yet. He uses his backward stumble to avoid the thick arms. The world feels like it's slowed down just for Izaya as he decides it's time to rock forward, grabs the falling forward red hair in front of him, and time speeds up just in time for him to yank the boy's face down into his knee.
It hurts Izaya's knee, the bones and cartilage of redhead's nose are sharp. But he doesn't think his knee hurts as much as the boy's face.
But Izaya's shift to offensive leaves him open. In the milliseconds in which the redhead jerks away in pain his friend practically shoves his out of the way to get to Izaya.
Again, Izaya's not fast enough.
The next guy's first cracks over the side of Izaya's head. For a moment his eyes lose focus, his head is ringing, and it's just so much fun. Izaya is pretty sure he can love this guy too.
Then, Izaya's being thrown to the ground.
He knows what he needs to do now. He should curl up and try to protect his head and face.
All four large bodies surround him, no doubt to kick and stomp him into the asphalt, and Izaya wishes he had a knife to take to their fragile Achilles' tendons, but he came unarmed and ready to lose on purpose tonight.
Izaya lashes out one more time before they start kicking him with the heel of his foot aimed at the closest kneecap, but he misses and lands a hard blow to the shin instead. Still, the guy he hit cries out in pain and hops back, swearing and clutching the bruise.
Izaya has just enough time to curl up for protection before the first round of vengeful blows come. He's happy they don't have the level of organization the Blue Squares do. If this were the Blue Squares some of them would probably holding Izaya down - open and exposed to every kick.
But it still hurts. Every blow has agony screaming to his brain and the four boys are terrible at varying the locations they're attacking on his body. Izaya has no doubt he'll have four horrendous bruises on his body - far deeper than the ones on his face. Izaya has no idea how long the beating is going on for. It feels like an excessively long time, but it's probably not long at all.
There's something strange about the pain. It's not the same as the accidental bruises Shizuo's left by grabbing his shoulder or shoving at his ankles - if the pain was as nice as that Izaya could lay here for twice and long as these boys have the energy to beat him for.
This pain is interesting in a different way. It's exhilarating because Izaya takes every blow and knows he can take more. Humans are incredible because of how much damage they can take, because of their ability to heal themselves.
But Izaya is feeling more than human. Laying curled up in an alley, being beaten relentlessly and bleeding would have any normal human feeling afraid or humiliated. But Izaya feels more alive than ever because he can take it because he's surviving it because he's not at this limit yet.
If fighting and being beaten makes him feel powerful, he can't even imagine what winning will feel like.
Maybe… like a god.
The absurdity of his own thoughts finally gets to Izaya and he can't hold it in anymore. He bursts out laughing.
Not giggles. Full-blown, ragged, sharp, half-mad laughter explodes into the alley and echos off the bricks surrounding them.
The boy's leap away from him like he's just pulled out a gun, but that's ridiculous. Izaya laughs even harder at their reaction, at the way his battered body aches so much worse from the strain of his laughter. It takes him a good five seconds for him to calm down enough to blink away the tears prickling the corners of his eyes and sit up to look at the - his crooked, toothy grin more bloody than usual.
"Why'd you stop?" Izaya wants to know, taunting as much as genuinely curious. "We were having so much fun."
That sends to boys running, tossing uncreative insults at Izaya like "freak" and "disgusting, little fag."
Ah, I scared them away.
If sitting up was hard, standing is a nightmare. Izaya has no idea how he's going to make it home.
At least that was a successful test-run. I'll be much better off when it comes time to destroy the Blue Squares.
:::
Kasuka was just as popular as a child as he is today. The first time a little girl gifted him with a little bag of cookies their Mom had laughed and said:
"Ah, she already knows the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach!"
But that is not why Shizuo got up early Monday morning to make a box lunch for Izaya. He's reminded of her words while he fills the center compartment with fluffy white rice - but he decided to do this because the only thing he's ever seen Izaya put in his mouth is boiling black coffee. Izaya is far too skinny to be skipping meals as often as he does.
So he swallows his embarrassment when Kasuka walks into the kitchen to make his own lunch. Kasuka doesn't say anything about the extra box on the counter.