Author's Note: This chapter is fairly long; so you can forgive me for how short the previous one was, right? ;)

Chapter Nine; Don't Let Go

3 Weeks Later

Emily made her way downstairs, a slow cautiousness to her step that was the result of twenty-two days with the tiny human that was currently resting happily on her hip, his little arms thrown loosely over her shoulders.

It had taken almost two weeks for Henry to sleep fully during the night. She had kept him in her bed for the first week or so, but when he finally started settling, and it became more and more likely that JJ may not be returning any time soon, she had decided to get him into a real routine. Besides, she needed her own bed back; she liked to sprawl and somehow a tiny four year old wasn't very conducive to this.

He had started back at day-care after 10 days for half days – his reluctance to wake up in the morning for this being another major factor in her decision to create a stable environment for him. She had no clue what was going on, but keeping him out of a routine until they'd figured it out wasn't going to help him any.

And after five days, she had actually made him laugh. For one tiny moment, as she stubbed her toe on the corner of her kitchen island, he had forgotten that his 'momma' was gone. She had realised in this moment that it was going to take more than stability to ensure that he had a normal life, it was going to take her lightening up too. She wasn't the only one who missed JJ, and whilst she was easily hiding her concern from her team, she had to remember that children are far smarter than anyone ever gives them credit for. If she wanted him to be a happy child again, she had to be a happy Emily – and for the moment that he had giggled at her clumsiness, she actually was. So she ran with it, and before a week was out, she had been an aeroplane, a Henry-chasing-swamp-monster, a truck-smashing extraordinaire, and more times than she could count, she had "accidentally" injured herself.

They were doing well.

Placing him on the sofa, she turned to head to the kitchen to make his breakfast, but was stopped by a small voice and bright blue eyes staring up at her. "Emmy, you didn't do it right."

The brunette smiled down at the boy, realising immediately what she had forgotten. "Oh no. Well we better fix that right away." She lifted him up easily before laying one arm under his chest, the other supporting his legs so that he laid flat, effectively floating in the air. "Are you ready?"

The small boy grinned excitedly, his reply instant. "Ready!"

"Neeeeeoooowwwnnn!" The brunette mimicked the universal sound of a plane as she turned full circle several times, Henry's giggles warming her heart and spurring her on as she made her way around the coffee table and back to the sofa before tossing him down against the cushions. "Better?"

Recovering from his fits of laughter, the little boy pushed himself up and brushed his blonde hair from his face before replying with a nod. "Better!"

My god, he's the double of his mother. Emily's heart clenched in her chest as she looked down at the small boy, both a comforting warmth and some kind of pain humming throughout her body as he beamed up at her. Mentally shaking her head, she spoke again. "Good. Now, what does my favourite little guy want for breakfast? Pancakes or cereal?"

Henry seemed to deliberate this for a while, his eyes narrowing and his mouth contorting before he yelled his decision. "Cereal! The one with the little shmellows in!"

She would have corrected him if she wasn't so in love with his attempts at saying marshmallows. So instead she smiled and made her way into the kitchen for his breakfast and her caffeine fix. Over the past three weeks, she had come to realise just why it was that JJ drank so much coffee – there was no possible way to take care of a four year old, work a full time job, and still be alive without it. It was true that since Henry had started back at daycare and she was now back at work under the condition that she left this particular case alone, Hotch had allowed her to only do half days at the office and step down from out of town cases, but still.

Returning to the living room, Emily set the small bowl of Lucky Charms onto the coffee table and flicked on Sesame Street for Henry before making her way to her office that was situated just off of the lounge to begin the same routine that she had acted out every day since JJ had disappeared.

You've reached Jennifer Jareau. I'm unable to take your call right now, but if you leave a message I will get back to you as soon as I can.

JJ's professional voice filtered through the small speaker of Emily's phone just like she had expected it to - just like it had every single day for weeks - but somehow disappointment still made it's presence known deep in her gut. A part of her still hoped, after all this time, that one morning the blonde would answer her phone, that she would reappear back in their lives like she had never been gone. It was because of this still present hope that her gut was currently churning, but she couldn't stop trying. No part of her was ready to admit that JJ was gone forever, that she may dead, that Henry would grow up never really knowing her. Perhaps she'd never be ready for that.

Using her clearance with the FBI, Emily proceeded to spend the next twenty minutes filtering through the files of 'Jane Does' found recently in DC and the surrounding areas; a stronger sense of hope replacing her disappointment when her search came up short once again. She knew that the team would immediately be informed if anyone matching JJ's description was found - dead or alive - but that didn't stop her searching, every morning without fail. The small boy currently spilling milk all over her expensive coffee table was depending on her, and it'd be a cold day in hell before she gave up, however hopeless her efforts constantly proved themselves to be.

"Emmy! I made a mess!" Henry's voice startled her right on cue, and with an unconscious smile adorning her face, the brunette closed her laptop and made her way back to the lounge, a renewed sense of reasoning in her every step.

CM-CM-CM

"He's seems pretty happy." Garcia mused as she watched the little boy push his truck across the length of her living room. It had become somewhat of a ritual for Emily and Henry to pay the redhead a visit each evening after the brunette had picked him up from day-care; sometimes Hotch would stop by with Jack too, or Reid, Morgan or Rossi would drop in to spend some time with the small boy. Henry seemed to enjoy the short visits, and for everyone else, it was a chance to clutch at some kind of normality. JJ was one constant in their mind each and every day, and seeing Henry eased the fact that they could do nothing about her disappearance. Well, nothing that seemed to be making a difference, anyway.

Taking a sip of her coffee, Emily replied. "I know. It's kind of sad really. I mean, it isn't, but it is." Flicking her eyes to Garcia's, a seriousness gracing her features, she spoke again. "What if he's forgotten her Garcia? I wana tell him about her, just talk about her, but I'm afraid that will hurt him more. It may not be a bad thing if he's forgotten her. I mean.. what if we never find her?"

"I don't think he's forgotten her, sweetie. I think he's just.. happy. I think he trusts you just as much as she does."

Emily smiled and took another sip of her coffee. She liked that he was happy, that she wasn't doing everything wrong, but she couldn't shake the guilt that she felt.

"August 13th!" Garcia almost spat, like an over-filled balloon, well beyond it's bursting limits.

Emily almost choked on her coffee and her eyes widened at her friends sudden outburst. Has she finally lost it? "Do I wanna ask?"

"That's when it happened." Garcia's smile faded into contemplation as she raised her eyes to the ceiling and reeled off her thoughts. "It took me a while to figure it out, but I feel pretty darn certain that I'm right." She flicked her eyes back to Emily with a grin. "I'm right, aren't I? Tell me I'm right!"

Laughing, Emily placed her mug back to the kitchen island and shook her head. "Garcia, I love you, but I absolutely, 100%, completely and utterly.. have no clue what you're talking about. Therefore making it entirely impossible for me to accurately tell you whether you're wrong or right."

"That was the magical night that two pretty ladies became one." Garcia's gaze trailed off again. "We went to La Bella for dinner, except Reid didn't because somehow he managed to contract Henry's cold and so he babysat. But the rest of us did! It was difficult for me to pinpoint at first-" Garcia cocked her head to the side and raised an eyebrow at Emily, "because you damn profilers are so sneaky. But then I remembered the smile on JJ's face the next day. You guys left instantly for a case and it got lost in the midst of blood and death, but I definitely remember that smile being there."

Emily's smile had fallen the second that Garcia had spoken the first sentence of her unconstrained ramble, her mind drifting to a place that both split her heart directly down the centre and sewed it back up all at the same time.

"Thank you." JJ smiled from the passenger seat, it's warmth filling the large car much better than the heat that Emily had just turned on.

"You, my dear, are very welcome." Emily spoke before clipping her seat belt into the allotted slot, assuming that the gratitude was for the ride that she had happily agreed to give JJ to the restaurant. She reached out naturally to turn the key in the ignition and stopped as she felt a small hand against her arm.

"I mean it, Emily." JJ's smile faded slowly from her face as she shook her head and looked away.

Removing her hand from the ignition, Emily turned to face JJ as much as her seat belt would allow once she saw something in the blonde's eyes that she didn't recognise. "Sweetie, what's wrong?"

When JJ returned her gaze to meet Emily's, tears were brimming clearly at her bright blue eyes, threatening to spill over with every silent second that passed between the two.

"Oh, Jayje, what is it?" Emily had unbuckled her belt now, was turned fully to face the younger woman and had her left hand hovering inches from the smaller woman's form in the protective yet somewhat nervous gesture that always seemed to appear when JJ was down or hurting.

Her eyes fixed on Emily's hovering hands, JJ spoke. "This."

Emily was confused, but she instantly pulled her hands away once she realised where JJ's eyes had settled and rattled off an uncertain apology. "I-I'm sorry, JJ. I didn't.."

"No I.." JJ swiped at her tears, frustrated with herself for not only having no clue as to how to explain herself, but for somehow making Emily feel that she had done something wrong in the process. Taking a deep breath, she finally spoke. There was no chance of backing out now anyway, and she honestly couldn't think of any other way to show Emily that she really hadn't done anything wrong. "You have this way of protecting me from a distance, of taking care of me without prying, of being such a huge part of my life without actually really being a part of it at all."

Emily was beyond confused, her mind running through everything that she had ever done since she'd met JJ, desperately searching for something that may have been construed in a way different than it was intended. "I'm not sure I understand, JJ." She spoke honestly.

"Okay." With a further deep breath, she swiped at her tears, fixed on a smile and waved goodbye to the sudden courage that she had found. "We should go, the table's reserved for seven and I don't want to keep everyone waiting."

For the brunette, this was literally a 'did that just happen?' moment. She knew that she'd missed something but she wasn't sure if that was because she was being blind, or because JJ had wanted her to miss the point. Her brow visibly furrowed as she stared at JJ's profile, attempting to read the expressions that formed there – an empty stare, vacant eyes, emotionless face. It was clear that JJ was deep in thought about something, and at the same time attempting to pretend that she wasn't. And if she was putting that much effort into pretending that the previous conversation hadn't taken place, who was Emily to force otherwise? Clicking her seat belt back into the lock, she turned the key in the ignition and pulled out of the driveway.

"Of course, that smile wasn't enough to make four, so I had to dig a little deeper. And I remembered that she seemed a little upset once you guys finally made it to the restaurant, a little distant." Garcia continued with her ramble whilst Emily stared blankly. "A little distant with you especially. But still, that wasn't enough for me to come to my conclusions, I needed more. Then something hit me.. JJ took a cab home!" The redhead grinned at Emily proudly, like her final sentence was suddenly the most obvious thing in the world.

After a further moment of simply staring, her face visibly showing her amazement, Emily finally spoke. "What?"

Shaking her head, seemingly unable to understand how Emily hadn't quite caught the gist of her clarity, she elaborated. "You picked her up, right? And you didn't drink, so why didn't you take her home? She took a cab, did she not? Now why would she do that Emily?"

"Um.. because she wanted to?" Emily went back to her coffee, her demeanour now showing nothing of what she was actually feeling but instead a nonchalance to the conversation that she hoped would be enough to silence Garcia.

The ten minute ride to the restaurant was spent in deafening silence. Emily's mind spun as she meandered through the early evening DC traffic, only mildly paying attention to stop lights. There was something about what JJ had said that had lingered with her, and now she was furiously profiling herself in a backward manner that would hopefully bring some clarity to what it was that she had done wrong. The truth was, she knew that she did all of those things – her instant response to anything was to protect JJ, but at the same time she wanted, needed to keep her distance; she was always there as a silent comfort when JJ was upset, but would never ask too many questions; she kept one giant step away from JJ's personal life, but could tell you any tiny, little detail about her if anyone was to ask – and she did all of it because of what she had thought to be well compartmentalised, more than platonic feelings.

Does she know? Emily swerved suddenly as a Scion pulled out of nowhere and directly into their path, her heart hammering in her chest as she came back to Earth with a screech of tyres and a small hand gripping fiercely at her thigh. Shit! "JJ are you okay?" Emily flicked her eyes frantically between the road and the blonde that was now loosening her grip on her leg, and then to her own hand, the one hovering inches from JJ that had instinctively shot out in a protective manner the moment that she swerved the car.

JJ kept her eyes forward. If it wasn't for her chest that was heaving a little more than normal and the hand that had found it's way to Emily in a second, you wouldn't have even been able to tell that they'd just nearly crashed head on into another car. "I'm fine, Emily."

"Oh come on Emily.. That's seriously all I get?" Garcia pouted. "I already know that you're in a relationship, why don't I get to know when it started?"

"Were, Garcia. We were in a relationship." Emily rose from her seat, her anger clearly evident, before scooping up Henry and leaving the apartment.

CM-CM-CM

"Sleep well, buddy." Emily spoke softly as she pressed a gentle kiss to Henry's head before quietly leaving the room.

She was tired, exhausted even, and her feet led her mindlessly to her bedroom where she unceremoniously flopped down onto the bed. Her face buried itself into the silk duvet and only came up when the need for oxygen won over. Turning onto her back, she stared up at the ceiling, her attempts to tether her tormenting and wondering mind failing instantly.

"Hey guys." Emily smiled, fully aware that she was now in very close proximity to three of the world's best profilers and one of the world's best gossip queens.

"About time." Garcia returned her smile and rose to her feet. "I'm gona go let that waiter know we're ready."

"You mean you're gona corner him?" Morgan laughed.

"Oh honey, you know I only have eyes for you." Garcia blew a kiss to the dark agent before scurrying off in search of the waiter.

"So what took so long, Prentiss?" Morgan turned to Emily, a smile still present on his face from his banter with Garcia.

"Traffic." JJ spoke for Emily as she took a seat next to where Garcia had just been seated.

To the rest of the team, hopefully, there was nothing out of the ordinary, but the abrupt cut off accompanied by the blonde's slight shift to the right as Emily sat in the empty spot to the left of her told the brunette that things were far from ordinary, far from okay. She was hurt, quite honestly. Even if JJ had figured it out, had suddenly realised the feelings that Emily harboured for her; this was a reaction that was far from okay. It wasn't like she'd tried anything with her - very far from it, actually. Aside from that, why had JJ been completely okay with her just moments before her walls went up and a vacant look replaced emotion-filled eyes?

Emily spent the rest of the meal in two separate worlds – the one in which she was having a rare night out with her colleagues, her family, and the one in her mind where she was questioning everything that JJ said and did, where she was questioning every movement that she herself made in case it caused the blonde to seemingly cower away once again. And as the younger woman left to hail a cab, Emily had let her. With a suddenly heavy heart and a tangled mess of a mind, she had let her.

She felt the emptiness of her car as she made the drive back to her apartment, her eyes drifting every so often to the vacant seat beside her that JJ had occupied just three hours before. She hit a junction and stopped, her brain telling her to turn one way, her heart telling her to turn another. But what good would it do to turn up outside JJ's door when the blonde had spent the entire night itching to get away from her? With that last thought in mind, she had slammed her foot down on the accelerator and sped off in the direction of her apartment.

Pushing herself up heavily, Emily allowed her feet to slide her mindlessly to her en suite bathroom to conduct her typical night time ritual. She pulled on her dark grey sweat pants and white tank top that hung on the back of the door, before turning to the sink to brush her teeth, her eyes meeting themselves in the small mirror that hung above it. I look like death, she thought to herself as she ran a strong hand across the length of her face, reveling momentarily in the pressure that this seemed to relieve, before finishing what she was there to do and leaving the bathroom to crawl into bed.

The spot beside her felt empty, cold, and she found herself missing the small boy that was less than 50 feet away. She considered for a moment, bringing him into her bed, but she reminded herself that he was in his own bed for a reason, and her own selfish reasons didn't trump that. It was pretty much at that point that it dawned on Emily that in the short time that they had been dating, she hadn't once shared a bed with JJ. They had made love in this bed, but JJ had left soon after, and the night that Henry had been taken would have been the first night that either would have slept over.

Emily groaned and rolled onto her side as more memories attacked and soothed her senses – she wasn't certain anymore if it hurt or if it helped to think of JJ, but she didn't have a great deal of choice in the matter anyway.

Years of experience was what pushed her to naturally reach for her gun as a gentle clatter came from her front door. It was past eleven and anyone trying to reach her at this time was either baring something of great importance or intending to do her harm. As she peeked through the peephole and saw JJ standing there, she still wasn't certain which option it was.

"JJ.." Her hands went out naturally in the protective gesture that she had become accustomed to over the years, and she pulled them back immediately when she became aware of what she was doing.

JJ eyed the hands in front of her, lifting her gaze to Emily's and raising an eyebrow as soon as they were pulled away. "Can I come in?"

Her voice was calm and somehow not as cold, but even if it was, there still would have been no question of Emily allowing her into her apartment. "Sure.." She stood aside, her hand gesturing out for the blonde to enter, before she closed the door and followed the younger woman into the lounge.

The brunette almost ran straight into her as JJ turned suddenly. "I.. Ya see, the thing.. It's just that.." JJ's ramblings stopped as her eyes fell suddenly on slightly parted lips, and before she could stop herself, her own met them in a kiss that she was certain would leave a bruise.

Emily kissed back instantly, her heart running the show, but her held out arms showed that her mind wasn't far behind; and within a few seconds it stole the limelight, forcing strong hands to come down against the blonde's arms, hesitatingly momentarily before pushing her away. Her eyes stared JJ down – she wanted to ask questions, but she didn't know just what questions she wanted to ask, what answers she was looking for.

Blues eyes locked with brown, the younger woman's mind busying also as she tried to search the brunette's face for a sign, a silent gesture to paint the pictures that her non-existent words weren't. Finding nothing but confusion and what seemed to be a hint of anger there, JJ finally spoke. "Oh god, Emily. I got it wrong." She shrugged the strong hands from her arms and took a step back. "I guess I thought if.. I guess I.."

Shaking her head and closing her eyes, Emily searched for something, anything to say. "JJ, you don't need to say anything. I know that you've not really seen anyone since Will and so I know-"

"Don't you dare say what I think you're going to say." JJ's voice was firm and strong now. "I am not here to scratch some itch because I haven't had sex in.." She trailed off, rolling her eyes and bringing one hand to her forehead, the other to her hip, before using the one against her head in a gesture to stop and turning to leave. "You know what.. forget it, Emily."

Emily grabbed JJ's arm in a grip that threatened to never let go. "Then why are you here?"

JJ's eyes fixed them self on the hand locked tightly against her arm before flicking to meet brown eyes that seemed to be a whole shade darker now. "It's nice to see that you're finally touching me, Emily.." Her words were whispered but sincere and honest. Emily moved to let go instantly, but JJ stopped her. "Don't let go." She moved until she was inches from the brunette, keeping her hand against Emily's as she did, her next word nothing more than a heated whisper. "Don't."

A gentle whimper fell from Emily's lips as her grip on the blonde's arm grew tighter. Her mind was at war with itself; she needed answers, needed to know what was going on, but more than that, she needed her lips against JJ's again.

"I'm not going to break, Emily." JJ stepped in even closer, pulling Emily's free hand up and pressing it firmly against her hip. "I didn't get it wrong, did I?" Her eyes searched Emily's face for an answer, not expecting to get it verbally.

"No.." Her simple answer fell somewhere between a whisper and a growl as she placed her own pressure into her hands, pulling JJ to her as she forced her lips against the blonde's and backed her forcibly against the island in the centre of her kitchen.

JJ whimpered deliciously as her back hit the hard lip of the counter top, her body visibly shaking as her hands roamed Emily's body in no logical pattern; searching, grasping, for anything to hold onto. Eventually her hands met the surface behind her and with the help of the brunette she lifted herself up onto it, thighs opening instantly to welcome the older woman between them. "Why?" The word fell from her lips with one of her uneven breaths as she pulled her lips from Emily's, only to be repeated again more firmly when she didn't get a verbal answer. "Why, Emily?"

The brunette's chest heaved as she pushed up the hem of JJ's skirt, allowing it to bunch at her hips and reveal toned thighs. "I.." She pulled her lips back from JJ's neck momentarily to answer, only to fall victim once again to the soft skin there mere moments later.

The blonde's head fell back as she felt the brunette's hands so close to where she needed them, her lips burning against her pulse point as she mustered the mental and physical strength to still Emily's movements. "Emily, why?" She asked again, threading her hands through raven hair and pulling back roughly. "Why did you push me away? You had so many opportunities, why didn't you take them?"

"Because I'm not him."

The answer was simple yet profound, quiet yet Earth-moving, truthful yet questionable, and as it left Emily's lips, filtered through JJ's ears and nestled itself into her mind, she found some kind of peace that she didn't even realise that she was searching for. "Thank you." She spoke of gratitude, not for the first time that evening, and released the hold that she had on Emily's hair slightly before moving her lips to swollen ones just inches from her face.

Everything was suddenly slow, and gentle, and exploratory without being invasive; a mere shadow of the scene that had unfolded just moments before. JJ's hands rested easily now around the brunette's neck, and Emily's slowly made their way further beneath JJ's dress before she broke their kiss and dropped her head. She was about to remove her hands before a small plea stopped her.

"Emily, I want you. Please don't stop touching me. I've waited so long for you to touch me.. To stop your fumbling nervousness and hesitation each time you almost do, and just do it." JJ pressed her forehead to Emily's, her eyes closing as she felt fingers dip beneath her panties and slowly slide them down her legs.

Emily's eyes remained closed, somehow afraid to open them. She knew, better than most, that sometimes experiencing that one thing that you crave the most for a moment isn't always worth it – because once it's gone, you will miss it far, far more than you ever wanted it in the first place.

"Emily, open your eyes."

The request was simple, and yet beyond difficult to oblige. But slowly, she did, her hands still sliding JJ's panties down further, millimetre by millimetre, before she released them; the lace garment hitting the floor unceremoniously and easily with a slight shift of the blonde's leg. Stepping back, Emily held out her hand for JJ to hop down from the counter and the younger woman took it without hesitation, their eye contact remaining as they moved towards the stairs. "I wanna show you. I would never tell you anything that I couldn't prove with my actions. So I wana show you."

Suddenly, JJ was nervous. She had initiated this, she had been the one to tell Emily not to stop, and now she was terrified; not because she was about to have sex with a woman - she had had many of those experimental phases that all girls seem to find in college - and not because she didn't want it. But because she realised just how much she did, just how much she wanted Emily, just how much power that gave to the brunette. But the gentle caress of Emily's fingers against her knuckles soothed her, and she followed almost blindly; both an overwhelming sense of safety and fear coursing through her veins all at once.

As they reached the brunette's bedroom, Emily stopped them at the foot of the bed and her fingers danced along JJ's spine, stopping briefly as they met the zipper, before slowly making the journey back down. The blonde shivered as each tooth of the zip vibrated against her skin, skin that heated suddenly under the brunette's adoring gaze as the silk, blue garment fell to the floor much like her underwear had moments before. She was stood in front of a fully-clothed Emily in nothing but her heals, and yet somehow, she didn't feel exposed - she felt nothing but an overwhelming sense of safety.

Fingers danced slowly, exploringly, along the exposed skin of toned sides, goose bumps forming instantly across JJ's body as she whimpered into the touch. Her eyes held Emily's still, even as her lids fought to close, and her own fingers found their way beneath a fitted, purple shirt to skin softer than she could ever have imagined. Emily continued tracing lazy patterns down the blonde's sides, purposely brushing dangerously close to her breasts every now and then, as JJ splayed her fingers out across the brunette's taut abdomen, her eye lids finally winning out and falling shut as she felt thumbs brush over her already aching nipples.

"You have no idea.." The blonde breathed through her lust-filled haze. "You have no idea how long I've waited for you to touch me. How long I've ached for this.."

JJ's breathing heavied considerably, falling unevenly from her lips with each purposeful movement as her own hands fell to Emily's belt, deftly unbuckling it. She worked easily on the brunette's button and zipper, releasing the trousers to fall to the ground much like she was falling into the sensations of the ministrations against her own body. Suddenly skilled fingers stopped, and she whimpered instantly, her eyes shooting open to find Emily removing her own shirt and stepping out of her pants, and as the brunette stood before her, in nothing but black lace underwear, the trade-off suddenly seemed worth it.

"Lay down."

Tears fell without permission down Emily's cheeks as she stared at a light on her wall, cast by the moon through her bedroom window. "Where are you JJ.."