Chapter Eleven; I Will Always Find You
Sighing, Morgan shook his head slowly as he looked up at Garcia. The pair had been sat in silence since he had entered her lair to tell her of their findings. There was nothing of their typical banter, nothing colourful and happy, just a dark empty space between them that held each one of their unspoken thoughts.
"I feel like such an ass." Morgan finally spoke.
"Why?" Garcia frowned.
Running a hand over his head, Morgan pursed his lips before replying. "Because I'm grateful. A twenty five year old girl is dead, and I'm grateful for that. That makes me an ass." The body hadn't been JJ, but it was still a young girl, and he felt overwhelmingly selfish for being thankful that it was her instead of his friend. How could he be grateful for death?
"If it makes you an ass, then it makes me one too. But look at it this way.. if this was reversed, that girl's family would be the one's feeling grateful right now. It's human nature, Derek. And if-" Garcia stopped abruptly as a small green notification in the lower corner of her main computer screen grabbed her attention, her mouth still open mid-sentence as she rolled her chair and herself over to her desk.
"What is it?" Morgan stood and walked over to Garcia, the expression adorning her face concerning him a little.
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Her feet stopped instantly.
She had imagined this moment thousands of times over and she almost pinched herself to make sure that it wasn't another cruel dream. Lowering her shades, she allowed her eyes to adjust; perhaps their orange tint was forcing her to see faces that weren't there. But no.. It was real. What she was seeing was really real.
Almost painfully real.
The smaller woman looked like she'd been to hell and back – which, essentially, she had. Her now brunette hair hung limp and lifeless around her shoulders, nothing like the soft, golden locks that Emily had run her fingers through and reveled in the softness of each time she had pressed her lips to JJ's. Typically tan and almost glowing skin was now grey and dull, nothing like the baby softness that Emily's fingertips had glided along in awe in the months previous. And a small frame seemed somehow much tinier than it ever had, almost like that of an elderly woman rather than someone young, vibrant, bubbly. JJ was less than a shell of herself, and Emily felt a hatred for life in that moment. She'd witnessed bad things happen to good people every day throughout her career, but this cut deeper - and if it was supposed to be a joke, she really was missing the punchline.
Emily's feet mindlessly picked up their own pace again, and when she reached the large, oak tree, she lowered herself down next to the only other person occupying the space.
"I wasn't sure you'd come.." A small voice broke the silence.
Turning her face to look at the unmoving person beside her, Emily responded honestly. "I will always come for you, JJ. I will always find you."
A small, barely visible nod came from the younger woman's head as she responded quietly. "I know."
A silence descended on the two women as each of them watched the passers-by, their own body language so comfortable and easy as they leant against the tree behind them, that you wouldn't believe that there were thousands of unanswered questions hanging in the air. Emily was simply grateful; grateful to have JJ back in her life, and before they delved into darkness, she needed a moment to appreciate that.
And for JJ, there was a sense of peace that she hadn't felt in almost four weeks. For the past twenty-four days, she had jumped from place to place, slept rough in any place that she could find and hitch-hiked her way as far from DC as she could. She did have questions, oh so many questions, but for now she needed to just breathe, to just be, to have one moment where she wasn't looking over her shoulder or wondering what was going to happen next; something that Emily's presence provided oh so easily.
A strong hand made it's way into her lap to entwine with her own smaller hand, and it was JJ who spoke first as she noticed a faint line of red paint on the back of Emily's wrist. "How is he?"
A small but definitely genuine smile graced Emily's features as she nodded slowly. "He's good. He's really good. But.. he misses his mommy."
Looking down to the entwined hands in her lap, JJ gripped a little tighter as tears burned at her eyes. "I thought he was gone, Emily. I thought I'd lost him forever. And I just kept picturing how you'd look at me when you found out that I'd killed a man, and.. without the two of you I really had no reason left to come back."
As much as it warmed Emily's heart to hear that she had even been on JJ's radar as a reason to come back despite the warrant out for her arrest, the overriding emotion was one of sorrow. She couldn't imagine the hell that JJ had been to if she genuinely thought that those two things were true – if she sincerely believed that Henry had been killed, and that she herself would ever look at her with anything less than love and adoration. "Percy Watson was no man, JJ. He deserved everything that he got for what he did to you. And Henry.. he's perfectly safe, and healthy, and happy."
"That's why he can't know that I'm back." JJ spoke simply, as though it was a decision that she had been deliberating for days; swiping at her tears and hardening her exterior, as though that would somehow make this easier.
"Why?" Emily turned her head to look directly at JJ. "Baby, he would love to see you and I know that you need to see him."
"Because what if I go to jail, Emily?" JJ turned fully to face Emily. "What if I spend the next twenty-five years of mine and his life in prison? He is better off thinking I'm dead than knowing his mom is a murderer."
"JJ, you are not a murderer."
"I shot and killed a man, Emily!" The people surrounding them caught JJ's attention and she lowered her voice considerably. "Percy Watson is dead, I did that. That makes me a murderer."
"JJ, it was self-defence. He.." Emily trailed off, hesitant to verblise her thought. "raped you."
"And what if he didn't?"
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"I have no idea how I missed this, Morgan." Garcia spoke, her voice laced with disappointment in herself as her fingers flicked furiously against the keyboard and brought up another map. "Yesterday! Oh, sweet Jes-"
"This is the tracking on JJ's phone?" Morgan questioned mindlessly as his eyes scanned the screen, trying and failing to understand the bright colours and numbers that really made no sense to him.
"Yes. I set it up to run constantly and alert me if anything came up. This one right here," she pointed to the screen, "is from about two hours ago. The other's are from yesterday." Turning quickly in her chair to face him, she became frantic. "Morgan, what if we're too late? What if she's gone because I wasn't paying attention? What if-"
"Penelope." Morgan braced his hands at his friends arms to seize her frenzied flailing. "We were on a case yesterday. And this morning, we were all distracted by the prospect of finding JJ's body. You did nothing wrong, okay?"
Nodding slowly, Garcia whispered. "Okay.."
"Now, let's go tell Hotch and bring our girl home."
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Relief washed through Emily in an instant; the feeling was like a drug. It had been an automatic assumption that Percy had indeed raped JJ given the state of his body, and she was grateful to learn that he hadn't. But her relief was soon replaced with a sudden guilt as she found herself, for just a second, questioning if JJ really had shot Percy in cold blood. She knew, overall, that the blonde didn't have it in her to do that – but.. maybe she did? She couldn't shake the memory of the darkness that she had seen in JJ in the prison; what if she really had done this for revenge?
JJ recognised the expression on Emily's face for what it was, and a part of her couldn't bare what she saw there, but the rest felt something else entirely. Lowering her gaze back to her lap, she ran her thumb over the fingers entwined with her own before lifting them to her lips and placing a small kiss to the soft skin there. "Thank you."
"What for?"
"For letting yourself believe for a moment that I could be a killer."
"JJ, I.." Emily began to protest, but she knew that whatever she said would be a lie.
"Emily, it's really okay. I wouldn't want you to condone what I've done simply to appease me, and I'm glad that you didn't." JJ knew that what she had said wasn't altogether true – Percy Watson may not have penetrated her, but he certainly would have if she hadn't shot him. Even in her self-doubting state, she could see that. But the last thing that she wanted was to explain to Emily just what had happened. Perhaps it was better all round to allow the older woman to think that she had simply driven Percy out to the middle of nowhere to kill him.
Untangling her hands from JJ's, Emily turned her body fully to face the younger woman and forced her to meet her eyes. "Now you listen to me.. I saw his body, JJ. And I know you. I don't need any more than that to know that you didn't kill him for no good reason. And he did deserve it, didn't he?" The question was more for JJ's benefit than her own – she needed her to see for herself, to believe for herself, that what she had done to Percy had been entirely justified.
Tears glazed over JJ's eyes and fell silently down her cheeks as she tried to blink them away. "I probably would have still killed him Emily, even if he hadn't.." The now brunette trailed off. "As soon as I realised that Henry wasn't there I just saw red and.." Looking up to meet Emily's eyes, honesty burning in her own, JJ finished. "What he did to me from that point was simply the excuse that I needed."
Brushing a tear from JJ's cheek with her thumb, Emily simply watched the smaller woman for a second. It broke her heart that JJ genuinely thought that she was a killer. "Do you remember when Doyle had me in that warehouse?"
How could I forget.. "O-of course I do."
"I would have killed him then and there if I had the chance. No hesitation, I would have done it. And you know why?"
A brunette head shifted slightly, somewhere between a nod and an uncertain shake.
"Because he is my darkness, JJ. He always has been, and he always will be. We all have it in us. It doesn't make us bad people. In fact JJ, I think it's what makes you so beautiful. You are no a killer. You are beautiful, and strong, and quite honestly the most amazing person that I have ever met. I have no doubt in me that whatever you did to Percy was entirely justified. He deserved everything that he got JJ, and don't you ever forget that."
JJ's eyes fell closed as she allowed her own hand to trail up and grip onto the hand against her cheek. "It doesn't matter, Emily. The truth is that I'm going to prison for a very long time for this."
Emily opened her mouth to protest, but again was silenced when she realised that that too would be a lie. She had been playing ignorant as much as she could, but she couldn't ignore it in this moment. The truth was, she couldn't honestly say that JJ wouldn't be going to jail for this. She knew more than most that sometimes, the justice system had a backward way of going about things, and oftentimes, that backward method led to the wrong people being convicted for entirely the wrong reasons. Protocol; it was one of two parts of her job that she hated, and she had never despised it more than in this moment.
"Then tell me what you need, JJ. Anything at all." And she did mean anything at all - even if that anything at all was using her mother's status to help JJ disappear again.
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"What is it?" Hotch spoke as he, Rossi and Reid filtered into the conference room behind Garcia and Morgan.
"Sir, we have a hit on JJ's phone. Three of them. There were two yesterday and one a couple of hours ago." Garcia spoke nervously, feeling wholly like she had failed them all, especially JJ.
"Why are we just hearing about this now?" Hotch questioned almost angrily.
"Aaron.." Rossi began, knowing that the annoyance in Hotch's voice was fairly unjustified. "We've been busy. You know that."
"What are the locations?" Reid questioned, instantly moving to the other side of the room to pull up a board with a map pinned to it.
Looking down at the small piece of note paper in her hand, Garcia rattled off the locations. "The Capitol building, La Bella, the restaurant we went to a couple of months ago, and the park in downtown DC."
Circling the locations on the map with red ink, Reid frowned. "Aside from the restaurant, I'm not really seeing any significance between each location."
Shifting nervously, Garcia debated whether to speak up or not. Expressing her thoughts would mean that the whole team would know what she knew – that Emily and JJ were more than platonic – and she didn't want to put them in that kind of hot water. But could she really keep it quiet when it could lead them to JJ? Opting to subtly broach the topic, Garcia spoke casually. "Emily might know."
"Why would Emily know?" Morgan questioned, instantly piecing something together as he saw the look on Garcia's face. "Oh.. Oh! Wow.. Clearly I need to rethink my career choice."
"Well, then we should call her." Rossi spoke simply, seemingly not surprised at the implications in Garcia's words.
Hotch had known for quite some time that the circumstances between Emily and JJ crossed several professional lines, so Garcia's unspoken admission came simply as a confirmation that paled in comparison right now and he was already pulling up Emily's number in his phone.
Reid spoke, his typical childlike innocence very clear in his voice. "I don't get it.."
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"I'm gona hand myself in."
"Well okay.." Emily spoke, a little confused considering where she thought JJ's request would lie. "I'll call Hotch and we can work something out."
Shaking her head frustrated, JJ elaborated. "No, Emily. I mean I'm handing myself in. I'm going to admit that I killed him and do whatever time it is that I'm facing."
"What?" Emily shook her head. "JJ, you know that it doesn't have to be that way."
"You think Strauss is gona let this one slide? She's going to want to make an example of me. How bad would it make her, and Hotch, look if she allowed me to keep my job and continue on as if I'd never killed anyone?"
"It's not as black and white as that JJ and you know it!" Emily leant back against the tree again with a sigh before another thought crossed her mind. "And what about Henry?"
"Well.. that's why I'm here. I want to sign custody of him over to you. I know it's you that he's been staying with. I can see it in your eyes, and well.. the paint on your pants. He never was one for keeping it on the paper.." JJ trailed off, a faint sadness in her features before she tried to shake it away; she had to get through this. "Anyway, that's my condition for giving a full confession."
What is it with people profiling me today? Shaking her head again, Emily responded. "JJ, I love him, almost like he was my own, but he needs his mom. I've been doing the best that I can, but it was only ever meant to be temporary. I would take him in an instant, but it isn't about that. It's about the fact that you do not need to do this."
"I do." JJ spoke softly, again like it was a decision that she had been settled upon for more than just this moment. "I can't allow the team to cover this up for me. I did this and I should deal with the consequences. Not Henry, not you, not Hotch or Garcia or the rest of the team. I should never have driven off with Percy and then maybe none of this would have happened. I should have listened to you. But I didn't."
Emily opened her mouth to speak but the buzzing phone in her pocket distracted her. Glancing quickly at the screen, she spoke, "It's Hotch." Her eyes met JJ's in panic. "What should I do?"
"Tell him where you are." JJ spoke calmly. "Tell him what I just told you."
Cocking her head to the side in disbelief, Emily answered the phone. "Prentiss."
"Emily, we've had a hit on JJ's phone. Three, actually. Do you know the significance of the Capitol, La Bella and the main park in downtown DC?"
Her eyes widened a little instantly as her boss spoke through the speaker. "No, I don't see the correlation between those places." She wanted to protect JJ for just a little longer, but she realised then that the team weren't the ones that she should be protecting her from – and Hotch's next statement told her that there was no point in lying anyway.
"Emily.. I know that you want to protect her, we do too. I also know that there's more to your relationship than you've let on, so don't pretend that there isn't because we don't have time for mind games. If you know the significance of those places, no matter what that significance is, it could lead us to her and we need to find her before Strauss and her boys catch wind of this. You need to tell us, and that is an order, Agent Prentiss."
Pulling her bottom lip into her mouth, Emily shook her head slowly before glancing towards JJ. As a small, certain nod came from the younger woman's head, she finally spoke..
"I'm with her right now, Hotch."