Hi all! This is up a day early, and here's a little about why! So here's a few updates on my life as it pertains to my writing: Next week, I will be working my church's youth conference (which starts on Wednesday the 9th, aka my birthday!), and I will likely be helping every single day/night. The week after that is when I move back into my dorm and I begin fall training for my job which transitions right into the start of classes.

All of that being said, this is the point in the year where I must admit that I will be surprised if I am able to keep a weekly schedule. I apologize for that, but my writing isn't a priority when it comes to me working and getting my education. SO I will try my hardest to write as often as I can, but I am also working on some completely original things at the moment, so I can't tell you how often I will be able to post from here on out. Please be understanding with this, as this is not a job of mine and will not be related to my future career. I greatly enjoy writing like this, but it's something that's on the sidelines, so I cannot always make time for it in my weekly schedule.

BUT please continue to let me know what you think of this story! I have a lot in store, and I would love to hear your opinions on it! Thank you all for the love and support; I wouldn't be writing if it weren't for you all! Hope you enjoy this chapter, please let me know, and I'll see y'all as soon as possible!

"You mean you can't think of anywhere on earth that your mother might have hidden the Mortal Cup?" Alec heard as soon as he got near the Institute's library. He sighed, considering turning around and going back to his room, but he could hear the urgency and anger in Isabelle's voice and he knew that he couldn't simply leave his little sister alone. Not when she sounded more scared than Alec could remember ever hearing her. He entered the library to see that Isabelle and Clary had clearly been fighting while he'd been at Magnus's, which he had to admit wasn't something that entirely surprised him. He was becoming aggravated with Clary himself, and he knew that with Simon gone, Isabelle's stress level would be through the roof. But what did surprise Alec was the fact that he could clearly see tears drying on Isabelle's cheeks when he walked in. As soon as she saw him, however, she reached up to wipe the last of them away, very pointedly looking away from him as soon as she realized he'd seen the tears. "She wouldn't just leave it anywhere, Clary. You have to know something."

Alec winced a bit when he heard the desperation in Isabelle's voice. The last thing he wanted was for her to feel the way he was currently feeling. "What Izzy is trying to say, Clary," Alec began as he inched into the library and the situation before him. "Is that your mother wouldn't have left the Cup unprotected without giving you some sort of clue as to where to find it." Alec momentarily considered telling everyone to get some rest, but then he remembered the fact that lives were on the line, and he immediately reconsidered. "Jace, why don't you and Clary go send for the Silent Brothers? Maybe they can find something in Clary's mind that they couldn't before she knew more about herself and her past." He couldn't help but give Jace a very pointed look, as if to say that if Jace left Clary in the library with them that it would not bode well for anyone.

As soon as they were out of the library, Isabelle fell onto the couch, her shoulders slumping in a way that tore at Alec's heart. "I would know if Simon wasn't alright, wouldn't I?" she asked, her voice betraying the doubt that was clearly beginning to well up within her. "I know that Valentine said Simon would be different, but if he'd done something to harm Simon, I'd know it." It almost sounded as though Isabelle was pleading with the world, trying to convince herself that no harm would come to Simon while he was in Valentine's grasp. Alec wanted nothing more than to be able to comfort his sister, but he simply didn't know how. He felt as though he could hear her heart breaking, and that was enough to break his as well. "It's stupid," she continued, her voice growing ever weaker. "I don't even love him yet but I've never been more scared than I am right now," Isabelle confessed, and Alec moved to sit down beside of her.

"That's the furthest thing from stupid that I've ever heard, Izzy," he said, trying to keep his own voice as calm as possible. "He's your soulmate," Alec stated, as if that cleared up everything. Yet he knew in his heart that it didn't. Magnus might be his soulmate, but that simple fact couldn't erase the pain that he was currently feeling over the warlock. "You have every right to be terrified even if you don't love him. He's connected to you in ways we don't even understand. Just the knowledge that he's your soulmate is more than enough." Alec wished he could meet his sister's eyes, but he knew that she didn't need to see the pain that was likely living there at the moment. He wished things could be as simple as that. He wished that being soulmates could fix all the world's problems, but that simply wasn't how the world worked. At least, not at that particular moment.

Isabelle leaned into him then, and Alec did nothing to keep her from doing so. Just having her there was a comfort, and Alec suspected that she was feeling the very same way about him. "Are you and Magnus okay?" she finally asked, the question clearly having been on her mind for some time. Alec couldn't help but look down at his hands when she asked this, his emotions suddenly taking control in a way he hadn't expected. "That bad?" Isabelle asked, her voice becoming unimaginably gentle. "Did he already know that the two of you are soulmates?" she continued, and Alec began to wonder if the truth had really been that obvious all along. He finally moved to meet Isabelle's eyes, knowing that the answer would be written all over his face.

"I finally find out that the man I love is my soulmate, only to discover that he's been lying to me for weeks," Alec eventually admitted, his words weighing down on his heart. "But that's not the worst part, Izzy," he continued, the words spilling out of him before he could stop himself. "I might be able to look past it if it wasn't so damn clear that he's still hiding things from me." From there, Alec couldn't keep himself from telling Isabelle about Magnus's runes, slightly confused as to whether he should refer to them as Magnus's or his own. He still hadn't entirely processed everything that had come to light within the past few hours, and he wished more than anything that he could take the time to do just that. But the more he thought about it, the more he remembered the look of doubt and fear in Magnus's eyes and his anger resurfaced all over again.

"I don't understand any of this any more than you do, Alec," Isabelle responded, her voice distant and thoughtful. "But there's one thing I do know," she said, a smile slowly appearing on her lips. "Not only do you and Magnus love each other more than I ever thought possible from the two of you," she continued, and Alec decided to take that as a complement instead of trying to figure out exactly what it meant. "But you're soulmates, too. And that has to count for something. I know you, and I know Magnus. And that's always going to count for something when the two of you are involved." Alec wished with everything that he had that Isabelle was right. All he'd wanted from the moment he'd stepped out of Magnus's apartment was to be in Magnus's arms once more. But he hadn't really thought that that sort of feeling could change anything. But maybe Isabelle was right. Maybe it could.

All Alec could do was move to wrap an arm around Isabelle, not wanting to admit that he still had numerous doubts and questions and fears. Just as it seemed as though she was going to respond, Jace all but burst through the door, Clary directly on his heels. "Brother Zachariah is on his way, but the Brothers didn't seem to hopeful about the situation and insisted that we likely won't make any headway tonight. It's probably best if the two of you-" Alec knew that Jace was going to suggest that they go get some rest, but Jace never got the chance to suggest anything of the sort when Isabelle swore rather loudly and immediately bent over in pain. She was clearly holding her wrist against her chest, but Alec was more focused on the fact that her other hand was searching for his, something she hadn't done since they were children. Taking her hand in his, Alec moved to kneel on the ground in front of her, frantically searching for whatever might be the problem.

Before he had time to ask, Isabelle flashed her wrist at him, and Alec could clearly see the two perfectly even puncture marks that were welling up with blood. "Alec," Isabelle said, her voice more of a plea than anything else. "There's more to it." It began to sound almost as though she was trying to catch her breath, and Alec felt the helplessness wash over him as he watched her struggle, realizing there was absolutely nothing he could do to help. He heard Clary frantically saying things to Jace about Simon, but he blocked her words out, Isabelle's pain the only thing he could stand to focus on at the moment. "It's like my heart is being ripped out of my chest," Isabelle clarified, her face overcome with pain. Alec turned back to Jace then, hoping that his parabatai would have some sort of idea of what to do, but Jace's expression mirrored Alec's own waning hope.

For what felt like hours, Alec simply held onto Isabelle's hand, her pain only increasing with every passing second. When Alec realized that tears were streaming down his little sister's face, he moved to get up, hoping to contact someone who might at least know what was going on, even if that person had to be Magnus. But Isabelle's grip on his hand only tightened and she began shaking her head as best she could through the pain and Alec froze where he was, moving to dry her tears as best he could. "Izzy," he half whispered. "We have to figure out what's going on." Even as he said it, he knew that something was terribly wrong with Simon. Isabelle wasn't one to cry when in pain. She'd been hurt on many, many missions, and Alec had seen her in pain enough to know that her tolerance for it was far beyond his own. If she was crying now, that could only mean the worst, even if it was the last thing they wanted to believe about Simon.

From the marks on Isabelle's wrist, it was clear that Simon had been bitten by a vampire. But what wasn't clear was why this might be causing Isabelle so much pain. Her soulmate bond is breaking, Brother Zachariah spoke into Alec's mind as he silently entered the library. It was very clear from the look on Isabelle's face and the looks that Clary and Jace were giving Zachariah, however, that the Brother hadn't spoken to Alec exclusively. All Alec could do was will Zachariah to continue, not trusting himself to talk at the moment. Not because of death, but because her soulmate seems to be turning into a Downworlder, Zachariah clarified, though this did nothing to ease Alec's mind. Turning Simon into a vampire certainly could have been what Valentine had been planning all along, though that made no sense in any way. Why would a man who so desperately despised Downworlders turn a mundane into one?

"That doesn't make any sense," Jace was saying, though Alec could hear the doubt that was flooding his voice. He'd never heard Jace sound so defeated, and he knew that Isabelle's pain was hurting him in ways he'd likely never admit. "Why would their bond break because of that? Downworlders and Shadowhunters are soulmates all the time," Jace insisted, his eyes flicking toward Alec. It was then that Alec saw yet another layer of fear in Jace's eyes: the fear that something like this might eventually happen to Alec. "It's not like he's dying," Jace said, and under different circumstances, Alec would have laughed when Jace realized just how stupid that phrase had been. Simon was obviously dying if he was becoming a vampire, that was sort of the point of vampires in general.

Brother Zachariah, however, didn't seem to notice this lapse in Jace's logic. I've seen this happen before when a Shadowhunter was turned into a werewolf, he explained, his voice causing Alec to shiver ever so slightly. I discovered then that it was because of the stress put on the bond at the time of the transformation. Their bond was forged for them with very specific souls in mind. Your sister's soulmate's soul is changing, and their bond was not designed for that to happen. At that, Alec realized that Isabelle was crying much harder than he'd seen her cry since they were children, and his heart sank further than he had imagined it could. He moved to sit beside of her once more, wrapping his arms around her as tight as he could, moving to kiss the top of her head as she buried her face in his chest.

For years, Isabelle had dreamed of the day she would fall in love with her soulmate. She'd wanted nothing other than that very thing, and Alec knew that all too well. Yet here she was, her bond crumbling before their very eyes, and there was nothing that any of them could do to stop it. "Is there anything we can do?" Alec heard himself asking, though he knew in his very soul that there was no use in asking. When Brother Zachariah simply shook his head, Alec tightened his arms around Isabelle, his helplessness deepening in an astonishing way. He'd never before felt so defeated, so useless, and he could only imagine how Isabelle was feeling at the moment. Alec watched as Brother Zachariah led Clary out of the library, not wanting to waste any time on finding the Mortal Cup. Jace moved to sit on Isabelle's other side, and Alec could see his fear mirrored in his parabatai's eyes.

All he could do was hold Isabelle, and yet he knew that it would never be enough. It was the only thing he had to give her, but it would never be enough. Alec closed his eyes for a moment, trying to regain his composure, knowing that the last thing Isabelle needed was for him to fall apart as well. But when he closed his eyes, Magnus's eyes were staring back at him, and Alec's world shifted. He felt the guilt rush over him in wave after wave as he realized that he was so unimaginably angry with his soulmate while Isabelle was losing the bond that she's cherished almost since birth. Just the thought of anything happening to Magnus ripped through him in a crippling way, and it was then that Alec realized that he desperately needed Magnus to understand the depth of his love. He would still be angry with Magnus, that much was true, but that didn't mean that he wanted Magnus to think that their love had been diminished. He might not be able to fix Isabelle's heart, but he would move heaven and hell and everything in between to fix what he'd done to Magnus's.

When Magnus heard a knock on his door, the last thing he wanted to do was get out of bed to see who it was. Magnus was slightly surprised to see that it was dark outside, and he quickly realized that he must have slept the entire day. He found that his heart was secretly hoping that it would be Alec at the door, but he knew from experience that his heart was the most foolish part of himself. Yet no matter how much he ignored it, the knocking simply wouldn't go away, and with the throbbing in his head, that was the last thing he wanted to listen to. So he pushed himself out of bed and flung the apartment door open, only remembering that he didn't have either of his glamours up after he realized that Jace was staring at him as though he'd grown an extra head. "What?" he asked, flinging the word at Jace with much more force than he'd intended. "You've never seen a rune before?" Magnus asked as he moved to throw himself onto the couch, knowing that getting rid of Jace would likely require more work than he had the energy for. It took Jace several moments to follow him into the apartment and close the door, clearly thrown off by the last thing he'd expected from Magnus.

"You look like shit," Jace finally replied as he moved to sit down across from where Magnus was on the couch, his face covered in a sort of concern that Magnus simply hadn't expected. For a very self-pitying moment, Magnus allowed himself to wonder if that concern was only for Alec, seeing as they now knew the truth about their soulmate bond. But then he shoved that thought aside and gave Jace the most indignant snort he could muster at the moment. He knew better than anyone that he probably looked worse than he had in a very long time. "I'm not going to pretend to know what's going on between you and Alec," Jace continued, clearly trying to keep his voice calm and steady. "Alec hasn't said a single thing to me about it. But I think that Alec sometimes forgets that we're parabatai and that I can feel his pain even when he doesn't talk to me about it." Magnus tried his best to stare up at the ceiling as though he was bored, not wanting Jace to see just how much his words tore at his heart. But he knew it likely wasn't working as much as he wanted it to.

"Is this supposed to be a therapy session, Jace?" Magnus asked, throwing every ounce of sarcasm that he could muster into his words. "Because I'm not exactly in the mood for this right now," he continued, wishing that Jace would simply leave him alone. "There's a reason I look like shit, as you so kindly pointed out, and I'm not exactly prepared to discuss that with you of all people." He knew he was being unfair, but that didn't seem to matter at the moment. All he wanted was to be alone once more. All he wanted was for sleep to peacefully take him away from the world for a few more hours at least. Maybe his mind would have time to calm itself by then. Maybe then he would be able to handle the things that were going on, the chaos that only seemed to deepen with every passing second. Yet how could he explain all of that to Jace? Jace was the last person he felt he could explain any of it to.

After several long seconds, Jace simply sighed the most exasperated sigh Magnus had ever heard from him, almost as though Mangus was missing something so completely obvious. "As much as I'd love to fix your relationship with Alec, that's not why I came here," Jace explained, and Magnus felt himself relax ever so slightly at the Shadowhunter's words. He could hear Jace's sincerity, but more than that, it seemed they wouldn't be talking about Alec for much longer. "Clary has a few ideas about where the Cup might be, and we plan on searching those areas for it, but we all agreed that it would be simpler to take you with us instead of having to contact you once we locate it." Magnus supposed this made sense. It certainly would be much faster and much safer to have the ability to retrieve the Cup on hand. "And yes, Alec agreed as well," Jace concluded, leaving no room for argument.

The only thing Magnus could think to do was snap his fingers so that his clothes changed and his hair and makeup were done like they normally were. There was no use in fighting with Jace over this. There was no way around the fact that he had to go with them. More lives were on the line if they didn't find the Cup soon. But as soon as Magnus stood up, he felt dizziness roll over him in one wave so large that he almost fell back into his seat. His only saving grace was the fact that Jace had already turned his back, so Magnus was able to reach out and catch himself on the arm of the sofa. All he had time to do was wonder if his dizziness was a result of the magic that he had just used before he found himself out on the street and halfway to the Institute by Jace's side.

Except it didn't take Magnus long to realize that they weren't headed to the Institute. They'd turned several blocks too early, but Magnus still knew exactly where they were going, even before Jace clarified. "We're meeting them at Clary and Jocelyn's old apartment," he said, glancing over at Magnus as though he expected to see some sort of emotion on the warlock's face that he had yet to see. "We figured it would be easier that way." Magnus simply nodded in agreement, seeing as they were rounding the corner and he was suddenly facing Alec much more quickly than he had expected. Alec and Clary were standing side-by-side just outside of Clary's old apartment complex, clearly not speaking to one another for various reasons that Magnus could only imagine. "Isabelle is resting," Jace all but whispered to Magnus as they neared the other two, a warning in his voice that Magnus wasn't going to contest.

And then suddenly Alec seemed to realize that they were there, and his eyes met Magnus's in the most heart wrenching of ways. There was so much that needed to be said between the two of them, but there was so much that clearly couldn't be said at the moment. And all Magnus wanted to do was apologize to Alec over and over until Alec understood just how much he truly meant it. But Alec's gaze was sweeping over him more quickly than he would have thought possible, and then suddenly Alec was looking at Jace and Jace alone, clearly making a point about who he wanted to associate with that day. It was almost as though Alec was forcing himself to look away and keep from saying all the things that had been going unsaid for far too long. "Let's get this over with," Alec said, breaking the silence and heading toward the entrance to the apartment building. Magnus followed after Jace and Clary, wishing beyond anything else that he could simply take Alec's hand and make him believe just how sorry he was, just how much he regretted almost everything he'd done over the past few weeks.

As they made their way up the stairs to Clary's apartment, Magnus couldn't help but study Alec, not having to worry about anyone watching him as well, as he was the last one up the stairs. The worst part of it was that Magnus began to feel as though maybe Alec wasn't feeling the way he was certainly feeling himself. All night long, all Magnus had been able to feel was regret and a longing so deep that it felt like he was being stabbed in the chest every time he so much as thought about Alec. But Alec seemed altogether composed at the moment, the fact that he was refusing to meet Magnus's eyes the only indication that anything was amiss. Magnus tried to keep the doubts from flooding his mind, but that was all he seemed to have room for in his mind at the moment. "Wait," Magnus said as Clary reached to unlock the front door. "You said Valentine was here before, right? Let me check for any sort of demonic presence or traps he might have set," Magnus continued, not waiting for them to respond before he began to process of checking the apartment.

The last thing they needed was for one of them to immediately get hurt upon entering the apartment. He finally nodded the let them know that the apartment was clear, not trusting his voice at the moment. Magnus suddenly felt another wave of dizziness, confirming his earlier suspicion that the use of magic was leaving him weak and sick. As soon as he regained his footing, he followed them in the apartment, surprised to see that Alec was alone in the living room. He hadn't truly expected the group to split up that quickly, but Alec was searching through everything he could find in the main room, and Magnus could only infer that Jace and Clary had gone to search Jocelyn's bedroom. "So, what exactly are we looking for?" Magnus asked, the tension too much for him to handle. His mind was already a whirlwind, and he didn't want more things to add to the chaos.

"You don't have to pretend to make smalltalk with me, Magnus," Alec said in response, his voice tight and ice cold. But Magnus couldn't escape the fact that the Shadowhunter's voice had changed when he'd said Magnus's name. There was something about Alec's tone that made Magnus want to wrap his arms around him until there was nothing of that darkness and iciness left in it. "I'm honestly just looking because I have nothing else to do, but I really don't know what to look for any more than you do. I know little to nothing about Jocelyn, least of all where she might have hidden the Cup." Alec returned to his searching then, turning his back on Magnus. Instead of focusing on the fact that the man he loved was being ice cold with him, Magnus decided to look around as well.

Eventually, the silence between them became the only thing that Magnus could focus on. It wasn't like the silence they normally shared. It was a silence in which Magnus could hear exactly what Alec wanted him to hear, a silence that showed just how angry Alec really was with him. "Alexander," Magnus said after several minutes of the deafening silence. "You must know how sorry I am." He'd barely finished speaking before Alec snorted, his disbelief tearing at Magnus's heart. Even if they never returned to normal, even if Alec never loved him again, Magnus desperately needed him to believe that he was sorry, that he regretted everything that he'd been doing. That was the only thing that would quiet his mind, even if only for a while. Alec finally turned to look at him then, his eyes betraying the fact that the last thing he wanted to do was look at Magnus.

"You're sorry?" he asked, his voice full of far more bitterness than Magnus had ever heard. "You're sorry for lying to me for weeks about the most important part of our relationship, and you think that sorry is going to be enough?" Magnus simply looked down at his feet then, knowing that any response he could come up with would be of little use. Everything that he thought of sounded horrible even to his own mind. "Well, I'm sorry, Magnus, but you just want me to acknowledge how sorry you are and forgive you to ease your own guilt." The way Alec said this made it very clear that this was the end of the conversation. And that was fine with Magnus because he found himself thinking on that very thought. It wasn't something he'd thought about before, but he found himself wallowing in self loathing as he realized that Alec could very well be right about the whole thing. Was he really worried about easing Alec's pain, or was he just worried about easing his own mind?

Magnus was about to speak up once more and point out to Alec that they'd been looking long enough to realize that nothing of importance was going to be in the living room. If Jocelyn had kept her past from Clary, then she wouldn't have left things out for Clary to find them on accident. But then Magnus felt an excruciating pain in his leg, and he frantically looked down to see that his pants were already soaked with blood. And that was when he registered that Alec was moaning in pain and crying out for help, a demon's tentacle suddenly wrapped around his left leg, clearly cutting into his flesh in the most painful of ways. Magnus was only confused for a moment before he remembered that he'd left the front door open. He'd thought that the glamors and wards on the apartment would keep mundanes out, but he hadn't been thinking about keeping demons out, he'd only been worried that demons might already be inside.

When the demon yanked on Alec's leg, sending Alec crashing to the floor, his leg twisting so hard that Magnus heard the most sickening of snaps, Magnus hit the ground as well, the pain in his own leg overwhelming him in almost every way. "Alexander!" he heard himself calling, fear bursting inside of him as he registered the amount of blood that Alec had already lost. Before he really knew what he was doing, Magnus felt a ball of fire shooting from his fingertips. He watched as it burned the demon, but not enough to make the demon let go of Alec. So he loaded another spell as he attempted to fight the dizziness that was already washing over him. This time, he used a much more powerful spell, effectively slicing the demon's tentacle off, watching in relief as the dead appendage loosened its grip on Alec.

Despite the pain that Magnus knew Alec was in, he watched as the Shadowhunter pulled himself to his knees, heavily leaning on his right leg as he plunged a seraph blade into the demon's head. Jace and Clary rushed in just as the demon turned to ashes and Alec slumped forward, but Magnus couldn't find it in himself to focus on either of those things. He'd felt sick for weeks, but he'd never before felt like this. He'd never felt as though he was floating away with the waves of dizziness that were crashing over him. He'd never felt as though he couldn't so much as lift a finger, all the energy drained out of him in the most disturbing of ways. He'd been low on energy due to magic before, but nothing of this level. So he simply watched as Jace began tracing healing runes onto Alec's leg, though Magnus knew that runes wouldn't help much with the broken bone. Alec would need magic to heal that, but magic was the last thing that Magnus had at the moment.

Magnus found himself sighing in relief when the blood stopped flowing from the gash in Alec's leg, the wound beginning the healing process as soon as Jace had finished the first iratze. "Magnus," Alec said, his voice shaky and uneven. Magnus could tell that this wasn't something the Shadowhunter had been prepared for. Alec knew that they were soulmates, but simply knowing that didn't compare to watching his battle injuries appear on Magnus as well. They hadn't truly seen the effect of their bond in action, and that was clearly making much more of an impact on Alec than he would likely care to admit. "Magnus," Alec said again, his voice more of a plea than it had been earlier, and Magnus began to wonder why that was. But then Magnus felt the world fall out from beneath him, and the dizziness crashed over him yet again and suddenly he was falling into a darkness so deep that he only hoped he'd be able to find his way out.

"I am not leaving him," Alec said through his teeth for what he felt was the tenth time, though he knew that Jace had only suggested that he get some rest once before. They'd gotten Magnus back to the Institute not long ago, but Alec refused to leave until Magnus woke up. He might be incredibly angry with Magnus at the moment, but that didn't mean that Magnus being hurt was something he took lightly. He still loved the warlock, no matter how much he wished he didn't. So he was sitting with Magnus's hand in his, anxiously awaiting the return of Brother Zachariah. Calling the Zachariah back had been the only thing that Alec could think to do when Magnus didn't wake up on his own. If anyone could figure out what was going on with Magnus, it would be him. But Alec had quickly called Ragnor Fell as well, knowing that Ragnor would want to hear of Magnus's condition before anything else happened.

Jace sighed and simply left the room once more, apparently realizing that he wasn't going to get anywhere with Alec at a time like this. They'd put Magnus in one of the spare rooms of the Institute, figuring that the bed there would be much more comfortable than one of the infirmary's beds. And Alec could almost imagine that Magnus was simply sleeping, but then he would feel the pain of his broken leg and reality would smack him in the face once more. Alec simply couldn't figure out why Magnus was unconscious at the moment. The iratze had healed their flesh wounds, and a broken leg certainly wasn't any reason for him to have passed out without regaining consciousness on his own. The only conclusion that Alec could come to was that there was something wrong with Magnus, and that was the most terrifying thought Alec had had in ages.

How long has he been like this? Brother Zachariah asked, scaring Alec ever so slightly as his voice broke the silence in the most abrupt of ways. Alec replied to tell him that it hadn't been an hour since Magnus had passed out, going on to explain exactly what had happened leading up to that particular event. You said that he fought the demon off with battle magic, correct? Zechariah asked, and Alec simply nodded to him, his energy draining very quickly as the situation began to look worse and worse. For several long minutes, Alec simply watched as Brother Zachariah worked over Magnus, slightly surprised that the Brother hadn't asked him to leave. It was almost as though Zachariah seemed to understand the depth of what was going on between them and he didn't want to take anything away from that.

After recounting the night's events several times, Alec couldn't remain silent anymore, the curiosity and fear getting the better of him. "What's wrong with him?" he asked, his voice much softer than he had thought it would be. "You seem to know exactly what's going on, as you clearly knew how to help him from the moment you walked in. So please, just explain this to me." Alec knew he was pleading, but he was beyond caring. The worry that he felt for Magnus was coursing through him at an alarming rate, and all he wanted was for it to stop. For Magnus to open his eyes and prove that all the worrying was for nothing. But since that clearly wasn't going to happen, Alec knew that he needed all the information he could get about their current situation.

Even though he was a Silent Brother, hesitation was still visible in every part of Brother Zachariah's demeanor. It was very clear that he understood far more than Alec did, but it was also very clear that what he understood was exactly what he didn't want to explain to anyone. Alec, he began, his voice much softer in Alec's mind than it had been before. I am not sure that it is my place to tell you all the things that Magnus has confided in me about. At that, Alec felt another wave of anger roll over him as he realized that Magnus had confided in others about the very thing that he'd hidden from Alec. I can assure you, however, that - Brother Zachariah's voice stopped as someone chuckled a most sarcastic chuckle, and Alec turned to see Ragnor standing in the doorway.

"James, do shut up, please," he said to Brother Zachariah, his voice not nearly as annoyed as Alec thought it would be, only confusing Alec more than he was already. If Ragnor was calling Brother Zachariah by a different name, then that likely meant he'd know Zachariah in his Shadowhunter days. And if Ragnor had known Zachariah back then, that likely meant that Magnus had as well. "You know as well as I do that Magnus has hidden this for far too long. Alec has a right to know." Brother Zachariah simply shook his head in a defeated way, as if to say that Ragnor could be the one to incur Magnus's wrath when Magnus found out that they'd told Alec what he'd been hiding. They shared a look that Alec knew meant something to the two of them, but it meant nothing to him; it was the kind of look that two people gave one another when they knew each other well enough to need no words to communicate.

"I've been trying to convince Magnus to tell you about this from the moment we found out," Ragnor said, and Alec could hear just how angry the warlock was. It was very clear that he didn't agree with Magnus on keeping these things from Alec. So Alec listened closely as Ragnor explained exactly what was going on. Alec felt both his heart and his stomach hit the floor when Ragnor explained that Magnus had been sick for weeks, that Magnus would only get sicker and sicker until they'd either performed a ceremony to help him or he ended up dead on Alec's eighteenth birthday. It came as no surprise to Alec that the Clave had banned these ceremonies. They were too prejudiced against Downworlders to ever think of such a thing as being even remotely okay. Ragnor explained that using magic made Magnus even weaker, something that was like a punch in the gut to Alec. If Magnus hadn't been trying to save him from the demon, he never would have gotten this sick in the first place.

"He'll be fine in a bit," Ragnor finally said, his voice becoming incredibly soft as he seemed to see the anxiety on Alec's face. "He just needs to rest and get his energy back. James took care of all the things we could heal for him. Now his body has to do the rest." Alec wanted to launch into a set of questions that were buzzing through his mind at the moment, but he kept himself from it, knowing that no amount of information could change the situation. "Let me heal your leg before I leave," Ragnor said, and Alec simply nodded at him, watching as the warlock reached down to heal the broken leg as gently as possible. Alec found himself wondering what would have happened if Clary hadn't had an extra pair of crutches at her old apartment. Jace had already had to carry Magnus back to the Institute, there was no way they could have made it home all at once without the crutches. He sighed in relief as the pain subsided and Magnus seemed to relax as well when Ragnor healed the break without any further pain at all.

Before Alec knew it, Ragnor had already left the room, apparently realizing that Alec needed some time to think things over. The one thing Alec was sure of was the fear that was slowly rearing its head. His eighteenth birthday really wasn't all that far away. And no matter how angry he was with Magnus at the moment, that would never erase the fear of knowing that Magnus was sick and dying because of a bond that they couldn't control. And now they would have to fight with the Clave for the one thing that could save his life. All of this knowledge made Alec feel impossibly guilty for being so angry with Magnus. But then he'd remember just what Magnus had been hiding and the whole cycle would start all over again.

Alec closed his eyes for a moment, trying his best to clear his mind and start all over again, trying to figure out exactly which of his feelings was the most important at the moment. "Alexander?" Magnus suddenly asked, his voice slow and bogged down by the weight of just waking up. He gently tugged at Alec's hand, almost as though he was trying to assure himself that Alec was there. "You're okay," he said, though it was very clearly a statement of relief and not a question. Alec couldn't help but give Magnus's hand a gentle squeeze then, knowing that they both could have very easily been anything other than okay. "I didn't expect you to be here when I woke up," Magnus concluded, the pain in his voice tearing through Alec's heart. All Alec wanted to do was reassure Magnus, but that was the last thing he could do when he was as angrily confused as he was in that moment.

It was then that Alec decided not to respond to what Magnus had just said, completely at a loss as to how he could respond in a loving way. And the last thing he wanted was to hurt Magnus even more, so he simply held onto the warlock's hand, allowing the silence to fill the room. After several minutes of silence had stretched between the two of them, Magnus finally broke the silence by saying the last thing that Alec had expected. "Do you still want to know why I've been hiding all of this from you?" he asked, turning his head just enough so that he was staring up into Alec's eyes, clearly too tired and weak to sit up at the moment. "I know Ragnor told you that I'm sick. I can see it in your eyes. That's the only reason I can come up with that would make you stay with me." Alec wished he could deny that, but he knew in his heart that he'd be lying to both of them if he did. "So do you honestly want to know why I've hidden everything?" Magnus asked once more.

It took Alec several moments to think that over, but he eventually nodded, hoping that his expression betrayed his sincerity. "It all boils down to one thing," Magnus said, his voice slightly unsteady, though whether that was from anxiety or from being weak, Alec couldn't tell. "I was scared," Magnus admitted, his words not fully sinking in with Alec at first. "I'd spent four centuries thinking that I wasn't worthy of a soulmate. I gave myself and my love to people over and over again, only to be left in the dust every single time. The fact that I hadn't been given a soulmate in four centuries seemed fitting to me. I never imagined that anyone could love me the way a soulmate was supposed to love me." Alec wished that he could comfort Magnus, that he could remove every bit of pain from Magnus's voice, but what hurt the most was that he knew it wasn't possible.

"When you were born and you got hurt for the first time, I'm pretty sure I'd never been so excited about anything in my entire life." The ghost of a smile drifted across Magnus's lips, the memory taking over for a moment. "But then when you got your first rune and I realized that my soulmate was a Shadowhunter, I thought it was a cosmic joke. The universe was taunting me. I'd spent four centuries waiting on my soulmate, and now I'd been given a soulmate who might not even love me. One who might look at me with disgust the first time they even so much as glanced my way." Alec found himself shaking his head, desperate to have Magnus understand just how incapable he was of ever being disgusted by him. "I was terrified by the thought of having a Shadowhunter for a soulmate. The runes you kept carving into our skin made me feel so vulnerable. It was like having all my cards on the table. So I spent years glamouring myself even when no one was around and avoiding the very thought."

Magnus paused for a moment, taking a deep breath and seemingly pulling himself together, and Alec wondered if there would ever be anything he could do to ease the pain that they were both feeling. "Then I met you, and you were everything I'd ever wanted and more. And you were a Shadowhunter, so I found myself pleading with the universe, wishing more and more every day that you would be my soulmate. I didn't mean to fall in love with you, Alexander, but you never really gave me a choice. I never stood a chance when it came to you." Magnus's voice seemed to grow softer at this, and that moved Alec in a way he hadn't expected. But even as he realized this, he couldn't help but feel the pain and anger that was still simmering deep within him.

"And then I found out that you really were my soulmate and then we discovered the reason behind why I've been so sick, and suddenly I didn't know where to go from there," Magnus continued, clearly forcing himself to go on despite how worried he was. "And every time I looked into your eyes I saw everything I'd ever wanted staring back at me. Yet I couldn't shake the fear and the doubts and the pain that had spent four centuries growing inside of me. At first, I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry. I didn't want you to spend every day wondering about how sick I was or blaming yourself for everything that I've been going through." Alec felt a wave of anger rush over him at that. Why did Magnus think he had the right to decide that Alec didn't need to worry?

"I know," Magnus said, clearly seeing the way Alec's expression had changed in a matter of seconds. "But the longer it went on, the more I realized that keeping you from worrying wasn't the only thing I was doing. I was keeping myself from being hurt," he admitted, his voice terribly defeated. "I've been so scared of being hurt by you or losing you that I thought it was better to keep the truth hidden. Because then maybe my heart wouldn't break as hard when I lost you just like I've lost everyone else who has come into my life. I thought that if the truth wasn't out in the open that it would make things easier when I inevitably lost you in one way or another." Alec wanted to smack Magnus for the things he was saying. How could Magnus think that he would ever leave for any reason save death? "It was the dumbest thing I've ever done, and trust me, I've done a lot of stupid things. But I couldn't seem to retrain my mind. I couldn't seem to understand that the centuries of waiting and pain were over. And I'm incredibly sorry for that. But I wanted you to know all of this because I love you, Alexander."

At that, Magnus abruptly stopped talking, almost as though he wanted to say more, but he was refraining for one reason or another. Alec spent several moments attempting to assess his own feelings, wanting to give Magnus the most honest response he could. But the problem was that he simply couldn't separate his broken heart from his love for the man before him, and he knew that wasn't fair to Magnus. Magnus deserved the love he'd been waiting centuries for, and that was something that Alec was afraid he couldn't give right now. Eventually, he moved to kiss Magnus as best he could without hurting the warlock. It was the most gentle kiss they had ever shared, and Alec knew that it spoke volumes, but it was the only honest thing he could think to do. "I love you, too, Magnus," he said, packing every ounce of emotion possible into the words.

Magnus simply stared up at him, his own expression very clearly showing that he felt he knew exactly where the conversation was going. "I love you," Alec repeated, wishing that those words alone were enough to change the world. "Not that that changes anything," he admitted, closing his eyes when he saw Magnus's pain deepen as the words hit him. "I really appreciate you being honest with me about everything, and I thank you immensely for it, but it doesn't change the fact that you've lied to me for weeks about the most important thing in our lives. It doesn't change the fact that I'm incredibly angry with you, that I'm angrier right now than I have ever been." Alec wished it weren't true, but he'd promised himself he'd be honest with Magnus, so he forced himself to press onward. "You deserve care and love that I simply can't give you right now without it being tinged with bitterness," Alec explained, wishing that Magnus would stop looking at him in a way that showcased his breaking heart.

"Magnus, you broke my heart, and that's not something I can just shove aside as though it never happened." Alec took a deep breath and attempted to steady himself. "That doesn't mean that I don't love you. I don't think I have it in me to ever stop loving you no matter what. It just means that I need time. I need time to think and to heal. I can't pick up where we left off while I'm this hurt and angry. It wouldn't be fair to either of us." Alec finally let go of Magnus's hand then, consciously registering that it was the hardest thing he'd done in a very long time. "We'll figure out how to get this ceremony approved. We'll figure out where the Cup is and how to keep Valentine at bay. But right now, we're going to have to figure all of this out as friends and nothing more," Alec said, his voice wavering ever so slightly toward the end.

Standing up, Alec tested out his newly healed leg, hoping he would have the energy to carry himself away from Magnus and the pain that they were both wallowing in. "I love you, Magnus Bane. And I will never stop loving you. You're my soulmate," he said, by way of explanation as to why he could never stop loving Magnus. "But right now, we both just need time." Magnus nodded, though he clearly regretted every second of it. "Please, let me know if you need anything. I'll be right down the hall. Get some rest, and we'll figure the rest out starting in the morning." With that, Alec turned himself around, forcing himself to walk out of the room, knowing that he would lose all his resolve if he didn't immediately close the conversation. Shutting the door behind him, Alec felt his world fall apart as he sunk to the floor, unable to stand against the emotions that were drowning him. He felt as though he was suffocating under the weight of what he'd just done.

All he wanted was to run into Magnus's arms. But Magnus was the last person he could run to. When Jace came around the corner an hour later, Alec was still sitting on the floor, arms wrapped around himself as though he was trying to hold himself together. Yet he knew deep down that the parts of himself that were breaking were the very parts that no one but Magnus would ever be able to hold together. He allowed Jace to help him up off the ground and lead him to his room. He allowed Jace to sit with him in silence for much longer than he'd care to admit. And he allowed Jace to dry his tears when they began slowly making their way down his face, hoping beyond hope that his parabatai was not feeling his pain through their bond. "Get some sleep," Jace finally said, breaking the silence a bit reluctantly. "Clary and I found a very promising lead, and you need to be rested." Instead of arguing, Alec simply caught Jace's hand as the other boy moved to get up from the seat beside of Alec's bed, silently requesting that his parabatai stay. It was only when he was fully convinced that Jace would not leave him that Alec allowed himself to drift into sleep, the painless darkness flooding him with relief.