A Season in Purgatory
Chapter 18
Lucas stumbled into the kitchen, rubbing the sleep from his eyes despite having already showered and dressed for school. He was hoping he could grab a piece of toast and sneak out of the house before his mom noticed he was up. That thought was dashed as she turned to greet him as he moved sullenly into the kitchen.
"You're up bright and early," she remarked, smiling at him for a second before pulling him into a reluctant hug. As a young, single mother Karen had promised herself that she would always send her son off to school with a warm meal and a hug. That idea had gotten her through the guilt of working long hours and forcing Lucas to spend much of his young life at her workplace, while other kids were playing around the neighborhood.
It meant a lot to Karen that she could spend the beginning and end of each day with her boy.
Lucas ignored her greeting and dropped expectantly into one of their worn dining chairs. He wasn't going to be able to avoid her, so he might as well make it as painless as possible. Lucas silently took a steaming plate of eggs and moved over so she could join him at their small table.
The past week had been so trauma free that Karen felt her joint effort with Dan had paid off quite well. The boys were back at basketball practice and there'd been no reported fights or altercations between them for almost a week. Lucas refused to talk to her about how he'd spent his time at the dealership, but Dan had said that the night had gone well and that they'd at least begun the process of getting to know each other.
"Are you planning to stop by the café tonight for dinner?" she asked, trying to force him into conversation. Lucas had been so quiet since lately, much quieter that he usually was. She'd accepted early on that her son was introspective with a silent, inquiring nature. But the events of the past week resulted in Luke's near withdrawal from their small family of two. She was unaccustomed to being on the receiving end of her son's silence.
"Yeah, I guess I'll be there." Lucas shoved his eggs around his plate, having completely lost his appetite. He avoided his mother's gaze, more out of confusion than disrespect. Being near Dan had completely unnerved him. As a small child, Lucas didn't understand why he didn't have a daddy like everyone else. But by middle school he understood that he had a father who just didn't want him. And he'd built his entire worldview around that concept. He was angry that his mother expected him to flip some sort of hidden "Dan switch" and be fine about having the man in his life.
Karen frowned at his lackluster tone, but decided to plunge ahead anyway. "Well, we're going to have some guests tonight," she began, waiting for his reaction.
"Yeah?" He shrugged his shoulders, thinking that his mother must be fairly desperate to resort to this level of inanity.
Setting her fork down, Karen moved forward and touched his hand. "From now on, Dan and Nate will be joining us for dinner on Monday night." She watched him and slowly counted the exaggerated sound of the old kitchen clock ticking in the background.
"What?" he incredulously asked, anger coloring his otherwise handsome features. "Why would you do that? I've not done anything to deserve being forced to hang out with them," he argued, knowing that he'd taken special care not to get close enough to Nathan to start a fight.
She sighed in frustration, knowing that Lucas didn't get the point. "Dan and I," she began, only to be cut off from her son.
"When did you get cozy with Dan Scott?" he demanded. He stood up abruptly, knocking his chair over in the process. Karen rose as well, matching him step for step.
"I got cozy with Dan when you decided to become a juvenile delinquent, starting fights during school events," she reminded him, upset that Lucas wouldn't even try to get to know his father and brother.
He gingerly picked up the old chair from the floor. No sense in killing what little furniture they had. "Are you still upset about that stupid fight? You need to accept that guys fight, mom. Maybe you never wanted to kick some cheerleader's ass, but guys fight." He leaned back against their old, yellow refrigerator, knowing that Nathan probably had some nice, new model that popped ice cubes out the front door.
Karen shook her head at his words. For a bright boy, Lucas could be completely obtuse when he wanted to be. "It's not just the fight, Lucas. You have an unnatural hatred toward your brother. I know that I didn't encourage you to vent your feelings about Dan over the years, but Nate doesn't deserve your hate. Dan doesn't even deserve all the anger you've built up over the years." She slowly exhaled, realizing it was the first time she'd publicly admitted that she'd failed as a mother. Her own anger at Dan had been unconsciously manifested in her son. It was only when she'd seen Lucas brawling with Nathan at the game that she'd truly understood how much hate her son had bottled up over the years. Her own negative comments about Dan had certainly not helped the situation either. But Lucas needed to realize that while Dan was culpable for his actions, Nathan was a pawn like Lucas.
Biting back a few choice words, Lucas stared at her sadly. "You'll never know half of what Nathan has done to me over the years because I've kept most of it from you, mom. The comments behind my back in junior leagues, telling me that I wasn't good enough to be his brother, calling me 'bastard' every chance he gets…those are all things I've kept from you in order to protect you," he yelled, unable to contain his fury.
Wiping a tear from her eye, Karen's heart constricted at his words. She'd suspected that Nathan was a ringleader of cruelty regarding her son, but she'd never expected that Lucas has endured so much for so many years. Yet Nathan was just a boy, who'd suffered his own pain throughout life. She couldn't bring herself to hate him, just his cruel actions.
"It's not your job to protect me, Lucas. I can take care of myself," she asserted, knowing that was the absolute truth. She'd found out just how strong she could be that night 16 years ago. "But I can protect you. The best way to do that is to help you get rid of this anger you have for your brother and father. I know they've hurt you in the past, but can you at least try to give them another chance? To let them make amends?" Karen believed that the path to contentment always passed through forgiveness.
"No," he simply said, before walking over to where his backpack sat, next to their dilapidated kitchen table. He paused a moment, realizing that that stupid table symbolized his life: tattered, shaky and totally worn out. "Dan can kiss my ass and show up for every dinner between now and the final coming and I won't ever forgive him," Lucas declared, before walking out the door.
Karen stared after him, stunned at the tone of his voice. She slumped back into a worn chair, toying with her chipped coffee mug. In some ways, she could understand Luke's confusion and resentment at the sudden contact with Dan. But she also felt sorry for her ex boyfriend. He was sincerely trying to get to know Lucas. Karen couldn't help but wonder how brazenly disrespectful Lucas had been the night he'd spent at the dealership. She shoved the cup away and stood up, resolutely moving forward. She knew that Luke's short term pain and resentment would be worth it in the long run. She just had to herd him toward that destination, and give him all the love and support she could.
Brooke and Lucas sat outside during Lunch, sheltered away from the rest of their noisy peers under the large oak tree at the edge of the quad. Ignoring the food that he'd sweetly packed for her, Brooke's intensity rivaled that of the fall sun that shown down on them.
"Your mother is NOT right," she said, emphatically stating the truth. She could tell that it was beginning to wear Lucas down, being surrounded by everyone who thought he should give Dan a chance. Some people didn't deserve second chances. They'd only hurt you again, so why bother, she reasoned.
Lucas looked down at his forgotten lunch, still confused and distraught. His mother had always supported him, and Lucas never dreamed she would be telling him to try to let Dan in. He distractedly played with a fallen leaf, its amber edges slightly curled inward toward the center vein running down the center.
Brooke watched his sturdy hand swish the fallen leaf to and fro. She took in the piles of leaves, signally that shortly their outside refuge would turn cold and forbidding as winter eclipsed the green courtyard. "Don't you wish you could be like a leaf sometimes?" she suddenly asked, breaking their companionable silence.
"Huh?" Lucas looked over at her, not sure he understood her meaning. He was beginning to realize that Brooke possessed a depth of thought that few people truly understood or appreciated. Once they'd decided to stop eating lunch with Nathan and Haley, the two had spent their lunch break away from the crowd, getting to know each other. Lucas had only worked off a week of his 3-week grounding. But he hoped by the time he was ungrounded that they'd know each other well enough to go out on a special first date. He smiled at the thought. After paying his car insurance, Lucas had saved enough money to take Brooke out to a movie and a nice dinner.
Brooke reached out and plucked an auburn colored leaf from the pile, her French manicured nail gently tracing the central vein. "Leaves are the ultimate examples of survival. They are born green and through out the warm seasons, they flourish. But when winter comes and life gets too harsh and cold to deal with, they curl up and collapse inward, accepting defeat and moving on."
Her words were solemn, her expression distant and lonely. Lucas reached over and clasped his hand around hers in support. "But that's not really survival, Brooke. That's kind of like a really, really short life cycle." Her hand was so small and gentle in his, he thought, caressing it as he listened to her words.
Brooke's pink clad shoulders shrugged minutely, her hand gently squeezing his in return. "But isn't the ultimate in survival knowing when you've had enough, when life is too cold to endure and gracefully submitting to your destiny?"
The image of the expensive box of lingerie lingered in her mind a moment, before she shoved it from her thoughts. It had taken her nearly two full days to remove the offending gift. The thought of touching it, acknowledging it was nearly as gross as having to look at every time she was in her room. She'd since avoided every call placed to her bedroom's telephone line, letting her stepfather's words assault her voice mail and not her ears. Of course, he'd be back. She had no way of permanently getting rid of the guy. But Brooke figured that the marriage would crash and burn within a year. And if not, there was always college. She wished she could go visit her daddy, but he'd gently suggested to her last night that now wasn't a good time to visit. Of course, there was never a good time to visit, she regretfully thought.
Lucas stopped for a moment and considered both her words and the distance look on her beautiful face. "I guess that it is kind of a wasted effort to fight some times. I mean, I know it's futile to try to stop my mom from having these stupid dinners with Dan and Nate. But that doesn't stop me from trying. And for hating the idea with every bone in my body."
Her words were soft, yet carried the weight of the world with them. "I'm tired of trying, Lucas. I mean, I'm always ready to fight the good fight, but it's like that Don Quixote guy and those windmills. I'm smart enough to know that I can't stop the inevitable." It was only inevitable that her stepfather would get to her. Just like J.J. had that night.
Pulling her closer to him, Lucas nuzzled her hair, breathing in the heady fruited scent. "What pisses me off is that my mom acts like the past didn't happen," he said, obsessing about the situation, despite her calming presence. "She's the one that one that constantly referred to Dan as a snake for as long as I can remember. Mom is the one that spent my childhood explaining that Dan couldn't be my father because he had another family." Lucas was upset, but he was confused too. He didn't understand how Karen's anger toward Dan could be erased by a few meaningless words from the man. But Lucas remembered all the late night talks about Dan that he'd overheard Karen and Keith share. He'd heard his mother rant and rave about Dan's callous behavior toward her and Luke. He gave up trying to understand and wrapped his arms around her waist, closing his eyes in search of peace.
Brooke rubbed the back of his head, playing with the close-cropped hair at the nape of his neck. "Parent's are just human, Luke. They lie and cheat and scheme just like everyone else," she commented, thinking about her father's cheating and her mother's lies.
Lucas stared at her, hearing the depth of pain and disillusionment in her tone. "Is this about your step dad?" Despite a week of pushing and attempting to cajole information out of her, Brooke had barely mentioned her creepy stepfather. Lucas squinted down at her, convinced something serious was going on in the stately Davis mansion. Brooke's eyes were almost…haunted and the dark circles there were growing with each passing day.
She avoided his eyes and tried to move away from him, but he refused to let her hand go. "Is this guy hurting you?" Lucas quietly asked, his suspicious nature fully engaged. "You can trust me, Brooke. I want you to trust me enough to tell me what's hurting you, especially since it's obvious that you are scared."
She looked up at him and then leaned back into his side. "Trust me when I say that you are about the only person left in my life that I have any faith in," she softly replied, hating that she sounded so small and vulnerable at that moment.
Lucas dropped a kiss on her forehead and pulled her closer to him, blocking out the sounds of the world around them. "I want you to know that I'd do anything to protect you, Brooke, anything." He would protect her like he wished someone could protect him from Dan Scott.
Thanks for all the awesome reviews for the last chapter. This one was a bit short, but I can always post more later. Replies and speculation are always appreciated.