Tits or ass? Why just tits or ass? Could guys really be that shallow, that unappreciative? What about dimples? What about noses? What about hips and freckles and the curve of her back and her neck and everything else Jane was dying to kiss? Did conjuring up the ideas of these random body parts make her sound like a serial killer?
If she'd thought a torrent of emotions had bowled her over in anticipation of their date, Jane could not have prepared herself for the maelstrom afterwards. The best part was that she felt so giddy, so elated, so excited by all the possibilities lain out by her bravery that it left no room for guilt or fear. All she could think about were things she wanted to do.
She wanted to go on a road trip somewhere, anywhere, with Maura. She wanted to tour her around Boston, but not the Freedom Trail or Walden or any of those places a tourist would know about—all of Jane's own favorite haunts, shops and parks and restaurants. She wanted to take Maura to the movies and put her arm around her shoulders. She wanted to introduce Maura to every single person who had ever had an impact on her life so they could bask in each other's amazingness. She wanted to make her bunny-shaped pancakes on the weekends. She wanted to crash someone's wedding just so they could dance to a bunch of cheesy songs together.
And oh, God, the things she wanted to do to that girl…
Was it normal or obsessive to feel this strongly after one kiss? Jane had an inkling it was leaning towards the latter, but she'd never experienced anything like this before, not even close.
Perhaps the oddest part was that while half of Jane wanted to shout about her phenomenal date from every street corner, the other half wanted to keep it all a secret. Stranger still, this wasn't because she was ashamed or afraid of what people might say if they knew; rather, it was almost like this date had been sacred, a consecration in a way. Her first real go at being true to herself and following that dream was holy to her.
This was why she shared no juicy details with Frost when she returned his car, even as he served up a nonstop barrage of questions about it.
The next day, she went on Facebook for the first time in three years to look up Maura. No dice. A ripple of disappointment passed through her, as she wondered what sorts of candid pictures she might have found there. She'd been wondering what sorts of posts Maura would make—did she like to be witty or serious online? Maybe not online at all (she thought, setting up an Instagram account purely for the purpose of searching yet again in vain for Maura).
Jane's insides gave a pleasurable squirm when her phone buzzed with a text from Maura, and the feeling intensified when she read the text: I've been thinking about that kiss all day.
J: Me too.
M: You said you had today off too, right? I won't be able to get home until about 9:30 tonight, but would you have any interest in coming over for a little while?
J: Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.
Maybe because she had less time to stress over it, Jane didn't feel at all the same amount of pressure that she had before their first date. All she felt was pure adrenaline, nothing but excitement at the prospect of getting to kiss Maura again.
Because it was so last minute and so late (Maura wouldn't be getting home until 9:30), Jane also didn't put pressure on herself to dress up. She did take her time, though, picking which flannel was the most flattering to her figure and which jeans best showed off her ass. For the first time in her life she wished she had some accessories to choose from - nothing like the jewelry that had been foisted on her by her mother and extended family that hadn't bothered trying to get her gifts she wanted; things like cuffs or studded belts or whatever else cool lesbians wore to look cool and be gay. Ties? Did they wear ties? She was pretty sure she'd seen Ellen Page wear a tie once. But maybe only with a suit.
When she showed up on Maura's porch that evening, though, it was clear that she could've shown up in a burlap sack and Maura would've been pleased.
There was a slightly awkward pause when Jane came in, as both of them wondered how intimate their greeting ought to be at this point. Neither of them liked hugging, and a kiss on the cheek somehow seemed too familiar and too formal at the same time. All that considered, Jane was glad she'd brought an icebreaker:
"Hey, I hope you like cannoli," she said, holding out a bag. "This is from my family's favorite place, Mama's. Everything they make is incredible, but I've had a soft spot for these since I was a kid." When Maura's expression belied nothing but perhaps a short fuse, Jane asked, "Do you um, sorry, do you not like cannoli?"
Maura snapped out of it. "Oh, these look delicious!" she said, going into the kitchen for a plate to put them on. In all honesty she had never been fond of pastries, but Jane seemed so excited to share them with her, it felt cruel to turn her down. "Would would be best to drink with them? I'd rather not have coffee this late night. Maybe a sweet wine?"
She was surprised when this elicited a laugh from Jane. "I'm sorry, you've already out-classed me just by putting them on a plate. At my house it'd just be a melee to get your hand in the bag first. And wine makes it seem so much fancier than it really is. Maybe—well, milk might be too rich. Water should do it."
They ate in silence for a few moments, and Maura was pleasantly surprised by how much she was enjoying the cannoli. "These really are good, wow! So have you lived here your whole life, then? I mean, if this has been your favorite since you were a kid?"
"Yep, Boston born and bred."
"Do you like it here? I mean," Maura hastened to add at Jane's incredulous expression, "I don't know, some people can't wait to get out of their hometowns and never look back. Where'd you go to college?"
"Didn't do the whole college thing," Jane scoffed. "I mean, junior college, yeah. It was more like thirteenth and fourteenth grade." She took a long sip of water, hoping she hadn't just voiced a dealbreaker. Maura was indeed taken aback and trying not to show it, cuing Jane to feel the need to impress her. "I did get in to BCU, though." That seemed to do it. "Just wanted to see if I could."
"Wow! That's amazing, good for you!"
Jane laughed, looking away. "Thanks. I've actually never told anyone that before."
"What? Not even—surely you must've told your parents?"
"Nah, I couldn't," Jane said casually. "My Pop would've spent every dime he had to send me there, and I couldn't do that to him. I mean, even if we hadn't had his sick elderly mother living with us to look after and pay medical bills for, BCU would've been way too much."
Maura took another cannoli to give herself a moment to respond. She had grown up surrounded by only the wealthiest families stateside and abroad, and was realizing to her shame that she had never given much thought to other classes outside of abject poverty. Her own tuition had been paid for with as much casual assurance as a middle-class family buying a candy bar for their child. She'd overheard a sorority sister or two laughing about student loans, but Maura hadn't given it much thought.
Jane shrugged in the silence. "You go to college to get a degree to get a job, right? I didn't need four years at a university to become a cop. Nice in theory but not worth getting into serious debt over."
"I wish college was more accessible," Maura said, feeling awkward. "It's such a good way to have your ideas challenged and broadened, and to meet new people." She blushed at Jane's unembarrassed gaze as she just smiled and shrugged again. "That was really sweet, what you did for your father."
"Nah, just what you do. Anyway, speaking of getting to know people, I tried to stalk you on Facebook earlier. No profile, or is it private?"
"Oh, I've never had any interest in social media," Maura said, again displaying her knack for a matter-of-fact tone where others might have sounded condescending. "Maybe I'd feel differently if I'd had friends in high school," she mused. "But I don't know, I'm all right not having all that information out there in cyberspace. If there's anything people want to know about me," she said, smiling at Jane, "they're welcome to ask."
Jane fumbled the throw and grinned bashfully. "I've got so many things I want to ask you, I don't know where to start. Right now all I can think about is…"
Maura moved closer, a teasing look in her eye. "Yes?"
Jane met her gaze and her breath hitched. "Um. That thing you texted me about? Not being able to stop thinking about it?"
"Oh yes, that thing," Maura purred. She got closer still, lightly resting her hands on Jane's waist, leaving a kiss below her ear and whispering into it: "Hold that thought."
She walked to the bedroom, where she ducked into the bathroom for a quick swish of mouthwash; the taste of ricotta and pastry flakes in her teeth did not lend themselves to sexiness. Feeling much refreshed, she reemerged to see Jane standing exactly where she'd left her, kneading her hands.
"You look relieved," Maura observed. "Were you afraid I wouldn't come back?"
"Um, no," Jane said, blushing. "I just—I dunno, I thought—it's dumb, but when you said that and then went to your bedroom, I thought maybe you were gonna change into like, something…"
"Sexy?"
"Well yeah, but no because that would imply that you don't look sexy right now. Which you do. You really, really do."
Maura glanced down in surprise. She was just wearing a simple black top and rust-colored capris; she hadn't had time to coordinate a more elaborate outfit. "Gosh, I didn't even wash my hair," she chuckled.
Jane was the one closing the gap between them now, putting one hand on Maura's hip and the other on her shoulder. "No, your hair looks really sexy up like that," she murmured, stroking upwards to Maura's neck. "Really…" She kissed Maura just below her ear, and was rewarded with a soft moan. "…really sexy."
Maura lifted her hands to Jane's face and shifted her for a proper kiss. Again the sensation was too much to bear, and Jane found her body reacting n ways she wouldn't have expected: the kiss swept through her from head to foot, and apparently back again, because the force of it caused her to rear up on her toes for a few moments. Considering that Jane was already a good deal taller than Maura, Maura unconsciously had to mirror the move, and then tittered when her heels touched the floor again.
"Is this funny to you?" Jane asked in a teasing tone of voice, though she was hoping for an immediate reassurance.
"I do think you're funny," Maura said, her arms circling around Jane's neck. "I had no intention of coming out in lingerie, but why were you worried about it? You looked so nervous."
"Because I was," Jane said. "You can't have any idea how nerve-wracking it was just to kiss you, like, fully-clothed. Dinner last night was nice but I kept worrying I was gonna throw up because I was so nervous. A good nervous," she clarified, "not like, because I thought I was doing something bad. Just because it was new, and…"
"And?"
Jane chuckled to ease some of the tension. "And I was—I'm still—taken aback by how fast this was, and how random. I mean I go my whole life being told and believing that I'm just a late bloomer, and I start dating Casey because he asked and because it'd get my mom off my back, and then like… you show up and I dunno, it's like going through puberty all at once," she laughed, and Maura smiled sympathetically. "Like damn, I've never felt this way before. Or I never let myself feel it before. I just wanna hold your hand. Kiss you." Make out with you. "And in theory, yes, I'd love to see anything you'd, um, wear. But this soon and with no heads-up, yeah, you'd have had to carry me out on a stretcher."
"I understand," Maura said. "Don't worry, we can absolutely take our time getting to that point. I hope you'll let me know right away if I say or do anything that makes you uncomfortable, or feels pushy in any way. Okay? I do not want you to feel rushed or anything else, so please know that you can shoot down or stop anything I suggest. I promise I won't be upset."
"Cool, good, thanks." Jane cleared her throat and smiled. "Although for me to do that, you'd have to suggest something first."
"Ah, how right you are! Hmm…how would you feel about moving to the couch?"
Jane shifted her grip so that one hand took Maura's. "Lead the way."
Maura guided Jane over to the couch and sat down next to her. "So," she sighed, stretching and putting her arm around Jane's shoulders. "What do you want to watch?"
"Oh! Um, okay, uh…" Jane glanced at Maura, who was stifling a laugh. She snorted and gave Maura's leg a soft punch. "Mean."
"I'm sorry, let me make it up to you."
Maura pulled Jane into a kiss, returned in earnest. More than once Maura got her fingers stuck in Jane's curls, and Jane had never been sorrier for her sensitive scalp. But her wincing led to Maura moving more gently, threading her fingers through Jane's tresses. It was yet another soothing kind of intimacy Jane had never experienced before. She sighed dreamily, a sound so foreign to her that she didn't even recognize it as her own.
"You have such smooth skin," Jane marveled, leaving light kisses along Maura's cheek, nose and jaw.
"Mm. I have a very thorough skincare regimen."
Maura's breath hitched when Jane moved to her neck, chuckling against it. "And here I was, thinking moisturizer and all that was just B.S. made up by beauty companies to get girls to feel bad about themselves." She kissed her way back up to Maura's lips. "Sorry I don't feel as nice as you do."
Maura pulled away enough to look Jane in the eye. "You feel very nice."
"You don't have to say that. I don't have a thorough skincare regimen. Heck, I don't one at all. I'm all roughed up, I know."
"Yes, it's like making out with sandpaper," Maura said, and Jane laughed. "We don't have to feel the same just because we're both women, Jane. You know that, right?"
Jane nodded. "Right, yeah. Right. Sorry, I guess I'm just kinda used to feeling like I have to apologize in situations like this."
"Situations like what?"
"Like…" She gestured between the two of them. "Making out, stuff like that. My ex always kinda made me feel like I wasn't, I dunno, wasn't trying hard enough. He liked that I wasn't like other girls, but he sure wanted me to be when we were—when he kissed me."
It was rare for Maura to feel this level of contempt for someone she had never met. "Well, your ex must've been a complete ignoramus because you are an exceptional kisser."
Jane grinned, amused by the word choice and cheered by the compliment. "Wow, uh, thanks. Kinda going off intuition, because I definitely never kissed him like that. This is like …I don't know, the Golden Rule stuff, I guess."
"Oh? What is that, kiss others the way you'd like to be kissed?" Maura asked, returning Jane's smile. "What else did you wish you could do?"
"Hm?"
"I bet he never let you have a lap."
"What?"
In one swift move, Maura shifted to straddle Jane's lap. "Like this."
As if of their own volition, Jane's hands had already moved to Maura's legs. "Oh."
"Is this okay?"
"Yeah. Oh, hell yeah."
And oh, nothing had prepared her for this—for how it would feel to hold Maura while she was in motion on top of her. Maura's grip stayed pretty steadily at Jane's neck and shoulders, but Jane found herself wishing she had about eight more hands. They both traversed up Maura's sides, then one shifted up to her neck and the other to her back. Oh, God… Maura's hips were rolling against her, and Jane's hands went to grasp them.
"Jane, could you…"
The pause that followed couldn't have lasted more than a couple of seconds, but it felt significantly longer to both of them. Maura was desperate for sudden relief and had been about to ask Jane to shift her leg to accommodate that, but the thought had occurred to her that that might be asking too much far too soon. And so here she stopped, hovering over Jane, her hands already pre-emptively gripping the back of the couch for leverage.
"Um…are you okay?" Jane whispered.
"Yes, um, I was just wondering how you felt about... I need a second, sorry." Maura shifted off Jane's lap, feeling dazed.
Every part of Jane felt taut, simmering, and her heart could outrace a cheetah. Where did she stand on dry humping? Was that what Maura had wanted to ask? She'd barely come close to doing that with Casey; she had freaked out when she could feel him getting hard and had managed to put an end to it before it got much farther. The idea of getting ahead of herself with Maura hadn't occurred to her, even as a possibility, until Maura had hesitated.
"Why'd you stop us?" Jane asked, her voice gravelly and forcing Maura to suppress a shiver.
"I'm not sure I have a good answer to that."
"Try."
"Well…okay, let's see. I guess I tend to have sex two ways. Well, I mean, lot of ways," she said, and Jane's eyebrows rose again. "Rather, I come at it with one of two mindsets: mindless or very, very mindful. The latter would be with someone I'm dating. And I don't mean it always has to be slow or about making love or serious with a capital S. It can be animalistic and raw with that person, too. But mindless sex is for when I just really need a release and want the gratification of having someone help me. I barely know you, but I know that's not all I want with you. And then I thought about blue balls. Did your boyfriend ever try to talk you into something with those?"
"Just once," Jane snorted. "I told him I was on my period and that grossed him out enough to shut him up."
Maura rolled her eyes. "Yes, well. I think women are better at dealing with that than men are."
"Fooling around on your period, you mean?"
"Probably, but I meant better about handling blue balls—or whatever the ball-less version of that is, as the case may be. Which is to say, your comfort is my priority. I mean," she laughed, "you were nervous about the potential of seeing me in lingerie! I could never mindlessly use you to get myself off."
Jane's head was reeling as she tried to keep up with Maura's train of thought. "Oh. Mindless, right, okay."
"Jane, don't misunderstand me. I like you. I like you a lot, to a degree I don't—a degree I have never felt so fast before. That would be intense enough for me to handle on its own, but then it's compounded by your newness to all of this. It's making me think about things."
"Like what?"
Maura tucked her legs up on the couch. "Like if I asked you to define the act of sex, what would you say?"
Jane hated that she could feel herself blushing and that she couldn't bring herself to meet Maura's gaze. "Um, wow. Well, I mean, it's like…"
"I'm not trying to trick or embarrass you," Maura said. "I just think it might help us understand each other and certain boundaries a bit more."
"Uhh…well…I mean, I guess I've always been taught—I mean I've always thought it involved, like, nudity? Right? Skin touching, and…" She took a deep breath. "Penetration of something. But then, that wouldn't work with two women, I guess."
Maura tried not to look as surprised as she felt. "It wouldn't?"
"Well no, I mean—I guess unless you were gonna use like a strap-on or something. Oh! Or did you mean like, if you're a… if you're trans, and still have…?"
Maura shook her head. "Jane, no, you don't need a penis or a phallus-shaped object to have sex." She slowly lifted her hand, wiggling her fingers, and Jane stared as if waiting for her to magically reveal some sort of object. "You just need these."
Jane looked nothing short of shocked. "Wait, what?"
"Jane!" Maura laughed, surprised by the depth of the naïveté she had been forewarned about. "Haven't you ever—? I mean, what do you do when you need to…"
"Get a release?" Jane asked, borrowing Maura's terminology and trying not to sound annoyed. "I grew up sharing a bedroom with both my brothers, I'm sure I mentioned that already. That wasn't really an environment that lent itself well to that kind of thing. And when I moved out, I dunno, it's just not something I ever sat around thinking about."
"So you've never—?"
"Oh, my God! Is this typical second date conversation, or am I just incredibly inexperienced?"
"It's all relative. A lot of people might be doing instead of talking. I apologize if I've overstepped, really. We can talk about something else."
With a deep sigh, Jane closed her eyes and leaned back against the couch. Now that they'd started, she wondered if it might actually help to talk some of this out. Maura was already clued in to her astounding ignorance; might as well see where that led. "I'm sorry, I just really don't have a lot of experience talking about this stuff. Maybe it'd be a good idea for me to get more comfortable with that. Not as comfortable as you," she said, opening one eye and smirking at Maura. "But part of the process of shedding all that repressed Catholic crap has to at least be being able to talk about it, right?" She rubbed her arms, as if a sudden chill had grabbed hold of her. "I just feel so exposed."
"What if I turned off the lights?"
Jane opened her eyes in suspicion. "What?"
"I've found it's easier sometimes to get through difficult conversations while you're focused on another task, perhaps driving or playing a game. In lieu of that, talking in the dark helps, too, because you don't have to look the other person in the eye or worry about them watching you while you try to get through whatever it is."
"Huh. Kind of like a sleepover, yeah? All the silly, raunchy stuff would get talked about after lights out."
"Oh! How interesting. I'll have to take your word for it, because I've never actually been to one."
Jane gave a theatrical gasp. "What! Like, omigod, turn off the lights then so we can dish!" To her surprise, she found the new darkness of the room comforting, even encouraging, but the teen sleepover facade remained in place to give her a moment to compose herself. "So like, new girl, what does sex mean to you?"
It was hard not to smile at Maura's attempt to mimic Jane's adolescent impersonation: "Well, like, I totally would say it, like, just requires an orgasm or attempted orgasm to be considered sexual. Which is why I never understood, like, why people don't consider oral sex or masturbation to, like, count."
The frank phraseology made it hard to keep up the pretense. "Huh. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. And under that classification, I'm not totally inexperienced."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, um…don't laugh, okay?"
"Never."
"All right, when I was maybe twelve or thirteen we visited my aunt and uncle in Virginia and it was um, my time of the month. And they had a detachable shower head and I thought, hey! That might be an efficient way to help clean up down there! And, well," she chuckled dryly, "it was indeed effective in more ways than one. Kind of a startling discovery."
"But a good one?"
"I guess. I was just still so innocent I had no idea there was—I mean, I didn't really think of it as a sexual thing; I just knew it felt really good. We didn't visit out there often, 'cause it's a bit of a hike, but I always looked forward to visiting. So… yeah, I guess I've done that."
"Why would I have laughed at that?"
Jane shrugged, forgetting Maura couldn't see her. "I dunno, it's kind of dumb, isn't it?"
"Jane, you're far from the first or only girl who's enjoyed a shower head for that purpose. I'm a fan of them myself. But now that you've got your own room in your own place, you know, it doesn't hurt to give a hand the old college try."
"Yeah, maybe," Jane said, glad the darkness was hiding her blush. "I just never had much of a sex drive, or at least a very active one. I mean, not until…" Would it be too much to say "you"?
Maura's hand found her arm, and goose bumps erupted along Jane's skin. The darkness added a new element of excitement for them both and they pulled close together again. Maura lifted one hand to Jane's cheek, but before she could bring her close enough to kiss, Jane spoke again.
"Do you think there's something wrong with me?" Her voice was quiet, timid. It would've been unrecognizable to anyone she worked with; hell, even to her own family, most likely.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, am I getting hung up over nothing? I bet lots of people wouldn't have cared—wouldn't have stopped a few minutes ago. Even if they're like me and spent their whole lives repressing, they'd jump at the chance for sex. They probably wouldn't even stop to think, they'd just do!"
"Well first of all, I'm the one who stopped us. Not you."
"Right, because you thought I'd be uncomfortable. And you were correct there, I might add."
"Jane, no, none of this means there's something wrong with you. People—Americans, at least—get so hung up about sex. It's either everything or nothing."
Jane snorted. "Mindless or mindful?"
"That's not what I mean. It's built up to be the grandest and most important of all gestures, or it's waved off like it means nothing, ever. We can talk about virginity as a construct, but that doesn't mean it's not a big deal to be intimate with someone for the first time. And there are so many ways to be intimate. It doesn't need to involve orgasms or penetration," she said, getting Jane to chuckle. "Oh, Jane. I'm not interested in seeing you because sex is my end-all, be-all goal with you. Don't get me wrong, I would certainly not be opposed to that happening someday." Another shared laugh. "But there's so many other things to share with you and there is no need at all to hurry."
Jane shifted away, resting her arms on her knees and leaning over. Tears had sprung to her eyes out of nowhere, and she hoped that the darkness would again come to her aid and keep Maura from seeing them. God, it was so embarrassing to have feelings. Her stomach felt twisted into knots as she tried her hardest to hold a grateful sob at bay, but then Maura's hand rested on her back and that was all the permission Jane needed to let go.
"Thanks," she sputtered, still bent over. She made quick work of brushing at her eyes, with the fleeting thought that maybe she could pass it off as tiredness. "Thank you f-for being so patient with me."
"I wouldn't call it patience, but whatever it is, you make it very easy."
Jane managed a laugh and straightened back up. Her eyes had adjusted enough to the dark now that she could make out Maura's face, if not the nuances of her expression. She pulled Maura in for a kiss, no smash cut necessary, and enjoyed every small moment that followed.
It occurred to her that for as sudden as this had all seemed, maybe it wasn't so fast after all. She had spent a lifetime of moments waiting for this feeling.
A/N: (please read!) Hey all! Thank you so much for reading and for your comments - they're all very much appreciated! I had wanted to keep this story short so I wouldn't end up writing something longer and inevitably leave it discontinued. I have more thoughts on where I'd like this story to go, but I can't guarantee that updates would be very fast or regular so I feel like I should leave this be for now. I may upload a part two (separately or perhaps add on here) in the future, but in case that doesn't happen any time soon, I hope you enjoyed this part!