Chapter 4: Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene
~ I watch the work of my kin bold and boyful
Toying somewhere between love and abuse
Calling to join them the wretched and joyful
Shaking the wings of their terrible youths ~
It didn't take long for Rick to wash up. He put on traveling clothes and packed one bag and some money; he realized there wasn't much he needed. He picked up the bag to go and stopped short when he saw Jessie standing in the room. He was surprised to see her; he hadn't heard her when she came in.
"Jessie?" he said, finding it strange that she was in his room.
Jessie's eyes went from Rick's face to the bag in his hand. "You're leaving tonight?" she asked, shock coloring her voice.
"Uhh..." Rick looked down at the bag in his hand as well. "Yeah," he said. "I figure there's not much reason to linger."
Jessie's face was full of reluctance and concern. "Rick, what is this about, really?" she asked. "You're going to leave just like that? Not saying goodbye to your friends and the other people who care about you?"
Rick thought of his best friend and partner, Shane, but he didn't have time to consider dropping by to see him now. He was wondering if Michonne was already getting ready to leave. "I'll write them a letter," he said.
He started to walk toward the door but Jessie blocked his path.
"Jessie," Rick admonished, unable to put up with this at the moment. "I'm sorry I just sprung this on you, but this is something I have to do. You'll do just fine without me."
"I won't," Jessie said. Her expression turned from one of fear to one of determination. She lifted her chin and then she slowly began to untie the front laces of her dress.
"Jessie, don't do this-"
"I have waited for you for a long time, Rick Grimes. I've been in love with you for longer than you know. I loved you since I first laid eyes on you." Rick squinted. This was news to him. He had barely even spoken to Jessie Anderson until they were betrothed. And not even then.
"I'm sorry," Rick said, gently pushing past her. "I have to go."
"No." Jessie grabbed onto Rick and tried to hold on as he went to the door, but he shook her off. He was only thinking of one thing. "Rick!"
Rick turned at her desperate cry to see that Jessie was at his desk with a letter opener to her throat. Rick's eyes widened. He had never known Jessie to show anything but a delicate smile. The desperation she was showing for things to escalate to this level was coming as a complete shock to him. "Jessie, what are you doing?" he asked, genuinely confused and appalled.
"I can't let you do this," Jessie said. Her hand trembled. "I got blood on my hands once before for you. I can do it again."
Rick had no idea what she was talking about, but his mind jumped to the thought that Jessie maybe had some psychological problems that he wasn't equipped to deal with. He held his hand out. "Jessie..." he said. "Just calm down. Where is my mother."
"She went out to get some air," Jessie said. She shook her head. "Neither of us understands why you're doing this. If you're in love with someone else, please...just tell me who. What does she have that I don't have?"
"It's not you," Rick said, emphatically trying to calm the situation. "Sometimes things just aren't meant to be."
"We're meant to be," Jessie stated. "I know it. Stay, and you'll know it too."
Rick shook his head. "Please," he said. "Don't do something you'll regret."
"Will you stay with me?" Jessie asked, ignoring Rick's pleas.
Rick shook his head again, helpless. "...I can't."
Complete despair overtook Jessie's face for a moment, then resolve, then anger. "Well, if you won't stay with me then what's the point?" Her hand steadied. Rick knew what was going to happen a second before Jessie jabbed the letter opener into her pale throat and pulled it out.
Blood sprayed Rick's desk and he stood in shock for a moment before he acted. He felt like things were going in slow motion when he moved to catch Jessie before she hit the ground. Her eyes were still open and she was gasping for breath, consciousness not gone for her. He placed his hand over her puncture wound and tried not to panic. "Mom!"
~ Freshly disowned in some frozen devotion
No more alone or myself could I be
Looks like a strain to the arms it were open
No shortage of sordid, no protest from me ~
In the next moment, when Rick realized that Jessie had told him his mother had gone for a walk, he hurried to pick her up and rushed her to the doctor's house that was only a few houses down from his. When he appeared on the doorstep and knocked, the doctor opened the door in casualwear and with a grin. He obviously wasn't expecting a bloody belle and horrified gentleman to show up on his doorstep that night. His smile fell as he took in the scene.
"Bring her upstairs to my bedroom," the doctor said immediately, not even needing Rick to say anything.
The doctor's wife and daughters left their surprise behind and rushed to prepare things to aide the head of their house.
After leaving Jessie in the care of the doctor and giving him a rundown about what had happened, he stepped outside to clear his head. He fished in his pocket to pull out his strapless pocket watch and checked the time. 9:15 PM. He closed his eyes. 'Please wait for me,' he thought, hoping his thoughts could reach across the town line.
He looked up and was surprised to see people standing in their doorways. But it shouldn't have been a surprise. He knew how this town operated. He had lived there for most of his life.
It wasn't long before Shane approached him. "Hey, man, what's going on?" his friend greeted. "Your mama found me and told me I needed to talk to you. Then I hear from nosy Missus Niedermeyer that you were running through town with a sick Jessie?"
Rick sighed, still shaken up. "She's more than sick," he said. "She stabbed herself – letter opener in the neck." The image came into his mind again as he spoke of it. It wouldn't be leaving him anytime soon.
Flabbergasted, Shane put his hands on his hips. "Why'd she do that?"
Rick shrugged, still not quite sure what had happened. "Told her I was leavin'. She didn't handle it well."
"You're leavin'?" Shane asked. "Where?"
"Goin' up North to stay with my brother."
"Why?" Shane asked. "I mean- I mean just like that? You got a job here-"
"Hey, Rick?" Rick turned toward Doc Hershel's voice when the door opened. He acknowledged Shane and continued talking to Rick. "I managed to slow the bleeding, and it looks like she just missed her major artery, but to be honest, I don't know how much I can do. It's hard for me to determine the damage she inflicted. I've got Maggie in there now, watching her to make sure she doesn't start choking on her blood. The fact that you got her here without that happenin' is a miracle..."
Rick waited and listened. "...So what do you suggest we do?" he asked.
Hershel sighed. "Wait," he responded simply.
Rick sighed as well. He looked at his pocket watch again. He didn't have the luxury of waiting. "There's nothing else we can do?" Shane pressed. "There's gotta be somethin'."
"Unless you know of some medical advancements that I haven't been made aware of yet, Mr. Walsh, then I'd say there's nothing."
"Where is she?" Rick's mother appeared in a flurry of dramatics. A handkerchief was in her hand to catch tears that hadn't fell yet and her bosom heaved as if she were about to faint. "What happened to our poor Jessie?"
Hershel gave her the same spiel he had given to Rick. Mrs. Grimes was left bereft at the end of it. "And there's nothing we can do?" she asked, her voice weepy.
"Not to my knowledge," Hershel said, shaking his head sadly.
"What about those negras?" Rick's mother asked, the thought coming to her suddenly. Rick snapped to attention. "They call themselves trying to heal people with that little magic they do, don't they?"
"Now, all due respect, ma'am," Herschel said. "But that's all just a bunch of nonsense and anybody who buys into it is foolish."
Mrs. Grimes stood straighter, offended. "Well, it's worth tryin'," she said. "You've obviously exhausted your usefulness to us."
"Mom."
Any offense Hershel felt was swept aside. "You all figure out what you're gonna do," he said. "I'm gonna go check on her and keep doin' the best I can."
When he left, Rick's mom turned to him. "Go send for those women," she said. "You have to take some responsibility for what's happened and we have to try everything we can."
Rick thought of Michonne and her family. It wasn't fair to pull them back into the drama of the town when they had been kicked out and when they were ready to move on and leave it all behind them. "I don't think that's a good idea," he said.
"Yeah, I don't either." Rick was relieved to hear Shane agreeing with him. "Hershel's right. All of that voodoo mumbo jumbo is just a bunch of nonsense."
"It's worth a shot!" Mrs. Grimes rebuffed, her voice risen. "Am I the only one who cares what happens to Jessie?! How can you two be so heartless?" Mrs. Grimes looked between the two of them before descending into sobs.
Shane shifted uncomfortably. Rick pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. He knew she could keep this up forever.
Finally, Shane gave in. "Look," he said to Rick. "Just go get them. They can come and do their chantin' or whatever they do, then they can leave."
"I can't bring them," Rick said.
"Why not?"
Rick took Shane over to the side for some privacy. "They're plannin' on leavin' tonight," Rick said. "They may already be gone."
"How do you know this?" Shane asked curiously.
"If I said 'I just know', would you trust me?"
Shane stared at Rick suspiciously. "Well, I still don't see how that's a problem," he finally said. "If they're gone, they're gone but if they're there, you can bring them and then they can leave in the morning."
"Anytime they come into town, it's dangerous," Rick said. "They won't wanna risk it."
Shane sighed. "Fine," he said. "Then how do you suggest we calm your mama down-? Where'd she go?"
Rick looked around to find that his mom had, indeed, disappeared. She was no longer standing where they had left her. He went to the window and looked out to see her walking toward the police station and he knew immediately that she was just sending someone else on the job to go retrieve the women. Rick cursed.
He rushed out of the house and caught up to her. "Mom, what are you doing?"
"Sending someone else to go get those women since you don't want to do it."
"Fine!" he said, stopping her in her tracks. "I'll do it." He knew someone else may not 'ask' them to come back so much as haul them forcefully back, whether they wanted to come or not.
He turned and started heading for the stables for a horse with Shane close on his heels. "If nothing else, I can just lie and say they're not there," Rick said under his breath to his friend.
Shane again looked at Rick in confusion. "Seems like you're goin' through an awful lot of trouble to keep those women outta this. What's goin' on, Rick?"
"Nothing," Rick said. "Can you just wait here and make sure my mother doesn't create anymore trouble?"
Shane nodded, still looking confused. "Sure."
Satisfied, Rick reached the stables, got a horse and headed out on his way back to Michonne. He felt a small spark of excitement just at the thought of seeing her again. That was, if she was still there.
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Michonne laid awake in bed for more than one reason. For one, she was sharing a room with the twins and both of them talked in their sleep. She usually shared a room with Marsai, but she didn't want to risk catching whatever her sister had. And the second reason was because she couldn't stop thinking of Rick.
He was only the second man she had been physically intimate with. Her first lover, Mike, had been a free man from up North. He had come to the South to try to legally start up a school that taught reading and writing to African Americans, but it had been a failed endeavor. He hadn't been able to acclimate to life in the South so he had packed up and moved back to the North almost as quickly as he had come. He had tried to get Michonne to come with him, but her family hadn't planned on moving at that time. And she wasn't leaving her family.
When Michonne's mother had told them about the vision she'd had of a grandchild of their bloodline being a Savior of their family and how they were supposed to get said grandchild, like Marsai, Michonne had questioned her mother's interpretation of her dream. But, unlike Marsai, she believed in – if not her mother's supernaturality – her mother's spiritual belief. And she believed in her mother. She knew that her mother would never recklessly put them in danger. So with that faith in her mother, she had agreed to be the bearer of the child.
Even if Marsai would do it, she couldn't have children. And Michonne considered herself protector of the twins. She wanted to keep them her innocent little sisters for as long as possible.
She hadn't expected, when she agreed though, that she'd be so consumed by one act. She had done more than have sex with him in those woods. They had shared something.
Michonne shook her head against her pillow, trying to get rid of those thoughts. 'You're letting his silly notions get to you,' she thought.
She rubbed her thumb against the chain around her finger and then sat up in bed. She stood up in her white nightgown, cinched in at the waist, and went to the kitchen for a glass of water. Her mother was already sitting at the kitchen table, staring into space.
"What are you doing up?" Michonne asked.
Michonne's mother blinked as if coming out of deep thought and looked at Michonne. "I could ask you the same question."
"Couldn't sleep," Michonne said.
She went to the cabinet, took a glass down, and then poured water from the pitcher sitting in the middle of the table. She sat down in the chair adjacent to her mother's.
"I couldn't sleep either," her mother said. "I feel like something bad's about to happen."
"...Like what?"
"I don't know..."
In the quiet of the night, the sound of horse hooves could be heard approaching from twenty feet away. Michonne sat up straighter, alert, and went to the window. She couldn't stop a swell of happiness from rushing up from her gut to swallow her heart when she saw Rick coming around the bend. 'He came back'.
Before even answering her mother's question of who it was, Michonne threw the door open.
~ With her sweetened breath, and her tongue so mean
She's the angel of small death and the codeine scene ~
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Rick almost jumped off of his horse before it came to a full stop when he saw Michonne standing there in the doorway. She was still there. And she had a welcoming smile on her face. He swore it could light up the whole night. He almost forgot what he had come there for until Michonne's smile faded when he did bring his horse to a stop and jump off.
"You're not bringing anything?" she asked.
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Michonne stood there and listened to what Rick was saying and her happy heart started to fall. Again, he hadn't come back to stay.
The twins had gotten up due to the noise of voices and were now sitting in the living area with everyone else. Marsai was the only one who wasn't around to hear Rick telling them about his fiance's self-inflicted injury and how they were willing to try every way possible to get her better.
"So...you want us to come back and heal her? Is that what you're saying?" Michonne's mother asked.
"I can understand if you don't want to," Rick said. "And I won't blame you if you don't. But we want to try everything. If you don't want to come, though, I'll just tell 'em that you all were already gone when I got here."
Rick glanced at Michonne and she turned away from his eyes.
"Well..." Michonne's mother said. "I don't see what it would hurt...But I'll go alone. My oldest one is sick and I wanna leave Michonne and the twins here to watch over her."
"Mama!" Michonne protested.
"Hush, now," her mom reprimanded.
Michonne scowled. She turned her ire to Rick. "So you show up just to leave again," she said. "I don't see how your fiance is a problem of ours." She turned and stormed out of the room.
Rick didn't hesitate to follow her. "Excuse me for a moment," he said to everyone in the room.
He caught up to Michonne in their short hallway.
"Hey," he said. "I promise I'll bring her back."
Michonne shook her head and turned to face him. "If my mother had refused to come back with you, what would have done."
"Like I said, I would have told everyone that you all were already gone. I wouldn't have forced her."
"Even if it means your fiance might die?"
"She's not my fiance anymore," Rick rushed to explain. "I broke it off with her. And..." He looked down at his shoes bashfully before confessing to Michonne, "forgive me, but I don't think anyone has the power to heal anyone else unless it's through the use of medicine or the Good Lord himself."
"So why even bring her back in the first place?" Michonne asked.
Rick shrugged. "I wasn't plannin' on pushin' it...But your mother seems to believe she can do somethin'..."
Michonne sighed. "For a second, I actually believed you were coming back to stay."
"I am," Rick said. He gripped Michonne's arms in his hands. "Once I bring your mother back, we're on our way..."
Michonne nodded and Rick grinned. "What?" Michonne asked.
"Nothing," Rick said. "I know you're upset; it's just when I left this mornin', you were pushing me away. I'm just happy to know you were waiting for me to come back."
Michonne rolled her eyes. "Bring my mother back safe," she said.
"I will."
Rick leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss against Michonne's lips. "Next time I'll be back for good."
"We'll be waiting for you."
~ Feeling more human and hooked on her flesh I
Lay my heart down with the rest at her feet
Fresh from the fields, all feeder and fertile
It's bloody and raw, but I swear it is sweet ~