Cuss words and angst abound. Read with caution if you are sensitive to those kinds of things.

A Season in Purgatory
Chapter 53

The sun crept through the faded yellow curtains in Karen's small kitchen. She absently stirred her coffee, her thoughts drifting back to her missing son. It had been three days since Lucas and his friends walked in on her and Dan. Three days since he stormed out of the beach house and to god knows where.

Sighing, she shoved the steaming coffee across the table and went over the list of people Lucas might be staying with. She and Dan and already combed through all of Luke's friends and none of them had seen either Brooke or Lucas since the after-game party on Friday night. Keith and Anna had also not heard a word from her son.

Karen's eyes were puffy and irritated after two days of constant tears. Desperate, Karen and Dan had driven over to Brooke's house and talked to her parents. She wasn't sure what frightened her more, the fact that they seemed oblivious to the fact that Brooke and Lucas were seriously dating, or the distant formal woman who seemed as cold as the house she lived in. It's not as if Karen was shocked by Katherine's distant demeanor. She'd always been a remote bitch since they were teenagers. Karen's eyes narrowed at the memory of how Katherine's eyes lingered a bit too long on Dan. She stopped a moment at that thought, the idea of actually being possessive about Dan. Feelings she'd thought long dead and buried.

Karen was not one to have casual relationships, but part of her knew that Dan was not a fling. There was a part of her heart that had always belonged to him and it felt natural to give it back, even after so many years and so much pain. Dan had been such a calming influence the past two days. He'd helped her call Luke's friends and then offered soothing back rubs when each call failed to provide a lead on her son. Their son.

The door to the kitchen opened and Lucas hesitated in the doorway, not sure of what he should say to his mother. He'd been gone a few days, which would certainly be an issue for breaking rules. But after the bitch slap she gave him, he wasn't sure if it really mattered. He's spent a glorious weekend with Brooke in a hideous hotel, drinking and sleeping and generally avoiding his home. It's like the world had shifted and Lucas was fighting just to hang on to the edge.

Lucas quietly moved past her, heading towards the beat up refrigerator for some much needed hydration. He'd spent the past two days sunk in the bottom of various fifths of booze, emptying bottle after bottle until he'd passed out in Brooke's arms.

Karen tried not to rush him, tried not to hug him out of relief that he was still alive. She appraised the dark circles under his eyes and his general rumpled appearance. She finally worked up the nerve to speak.

"I know you feel upset and angry over this," she hesitantly began, not prepared when he spun around to face her.

"Angry? ANGRY? I don't feel upset, mom. I feel BETRAYED. That man didn't just walk out on me, he stayed around and watched the train wreck of a childhood I had for 16 years, like it was a fucking spectator sport. He egged his chosen son into direct competition with me when I had the audacity to stop being invisible. And you think I'm upset?" he said, his brows creased in disbelief. How his mother could not understand his pain hurt nearly as much as her sneaking around with his father. "You should have thought about all the times we didn't have enough to eat, or the times the water or electric was cut off because that bastard didn't pay child support. Next time you're sleeping with the enemy, think about all the years he passed us on the street and wouldn't even deign to look at or acknowledge us."

Karen tried to interrupt and defend herself, but found that a difficult thing to do. She knew she'd done some things he'd find hard to forgive. But she honestly believed that peace came through forgiving people. And both she and Lucas had carried around their hatred for long enough. "I gave him a chance, Lucas. Dan's a complicated man. He's never been good at apologizing, but he does feel bad about the past and he wants to be a part of your life."

Lucas shook his head, stunned that his mother was so freaking gullible. "Just like he was going to leave school and come back to you when you were pregnant? Just like he was going to take care of us?" he coldly reminded her, stunned at her ability to color the past because she was lusting after the guy. "I guess you bought his act, but he won't get the time of day from me."

"Lucas, you just need to give him a chance…" she said before he spun around, interrupting her.

"I gave him 16 years, mom. As far as I'm concerned, it's a little too late." He'd spent most of his life hoping that he'd get some kind of acknowledgment from Dan. He'd run to the mailbox every birthday and Christmas, hoping that this would be the year he'd get a card from his father. And every year a small piece of him died inside. "I can't forgive him because there's nothing left inside of me for him but a black, shriveled, bitter corner of my heart. And that's not going to be repaired just because the guy wanted to sleep with you and decided it was time to be nice to me."

Karen tried to wipe an errant tear off his check, but he moved his arms up between them, gently pushing her away. "Lucas, it didn't start out that way at all. It wasn't about us. We were both concerned about you and Nathan. We decided it was time to stop the hatred. Dan's been trying to find ways to connect with you, any way to start a conversation with you. We'd spend all our time at those stupid booster events trying to brain storm ways to smooth things over between the two of you," she explained, desperately wanting to erase the look of hatred she saw in her son's very blue eyes. Eyes that were so much like his father's, if nothing else. "It just sort of grew from there. I don't know what happened, Lucas. Neither of us either thought we'd connect on that level again. But we have, and we're happy. We can give you and Nathan the family that you both desperately need."

Slamming his fist through the plaster and dry wall to the right of her head, Lucas jerked his hand out of the wall before spinning around, barely aware of his scraped and bleeding knuckles. "This isn't a fucking sitcom, Mom. You don't get to rewrite episodes like the past shows never happened. There is nothing that Dan can say or do to make up for the humiliation I've suffered for my entire miserable life in this town. And if you think we're all going to have a happy ending, you are so wrong."

Karen stared at him in disbelief, her eyes traveling from his furious eyes to his swelling hand and back again. He was her little boy, they'd had a special bond from the moment of his birth. And yet, she couldn't deny that this boy, no man, in front of her was a near stranger. "I didn't mean to fall in love, Luke. Sometimes things just happen and there's no logic or reason to it. I know you are upset now, but I honestly believe in time that you can get closure to the past, if you'll just give Dan a chance. He doesn't have to be your dad at first. You can get to know him on a simple basis. You two can work towards acceptance and a relationship later on."

His head shook at her words, trying to ward them off like a cross with a vampire. "What kind of crack has he hooked you on? Can you even hear what you're saying, mom? It's like you've lost contact with reality," he yelled, scared that Karen was falling for Dan's manipulations one last time. Lucas slowly approached her, reaching out to touch her shoulder with his non-bleeding hand. "Dan hasn't got a heart, mom. He walks through life taking what he wants, with little to no regard for anyone else's feelings. It's all about what he wants and what he needs. He's using you for sex and he's attempting to be human to me so that you'll continue to fall for his act. But what happens when he gets bored and walks out again? I can't deal with that, mom. I won't trust him with my heart because he doesn't care about mine or yours."

Karen sniffled at her son's jaded words, wondering if he'd always been so cynical about people. She sensed that this wasn't just about Dan, but more about his view on people's motivations in general. Yet, she'd seen him give Brooke his love and trust. "Luke, you've given your heart to Brooke. Is there anything she could do to you that you'd not try to forgive?"

Lucas considered her question, sad that Karen had to even ask that question. "I'd never give my heart to a person who treated me like crap, mom. I've watched you for too long to want to repeat that cycle. You had a perfectly great guy in Keith and you threw him away in order to pine over his bastard brother, who's brought you nothing but grief for most of your life."

She wiped a tear away from her eyes, knowing that it was a near futile battle. "He gave me you, Luke. And regardless of how things have been for the past 16 years, I've been grateful to him for that. You were the greatest thing we ever created. I know that Dan's made mistakes. He's admitted that to me time and again and he's apologized for the way he abandoned you. But Dan doesn't know how to say those things to you. And you don't make it easy for him either."

Luke's head jerked up as if he'd been shot in the back, his voice rising with his anger. "Make it easy for him? My god, up until two months ago the man made my life hell and you want me to make it easy for him?" He tried to force himself to breathe, to calm down and force his heart to stop pounding so hard. Lucas stepped back, trying to create physical distance to match the growing emotional distance in his heart. He looked Karen directly in the eye. "No. If you want Dan in your life, that's fine. But keep me out of this sick and twisted relationship."

Karen's heart lurched, as she heard something cold and impersonal in her son's words. "Lucas, what are you saying?" she asked in confusion, carefully watching his every move. She wasn't afraid of Lucas, but she was concerned about his state of mind after his fist knocked a hole in her wall.

"I'm saying that if you want to sleep with him and 'date' him, go for it. But don't expect me to participate in any "family" events. He's not my father and Nathan is not my brother. You can't force me to accept either of them. Just keep it away from me," he firmly stated, exuding a calmness he most certainly didn't feel at that moment. Emotion had always been his greatest weakness. The overwhelming need for a father and the dependency on his mother and best friend were all weaknesses that he needed to eliminate from his life.

"Luke, you're scaring me. What are you trying to tell me?" she questioned, though something in her heart sensed the real meaning behind his words. She could have attributed it to her motherly instinct, but a perfect stranger could read the anger on her son's face.

Luke forced a stillness into his voice that was in contrast to his entire demeanor. "I'm 16 and I'll be going off to college shortly. Feel free to do whatever you want with Dan, just don't expect me to come home on holidays or summers to be a part of this sick, dysfunctional relationship. As long as Dan's in your life, I won't be," he softly said, an ultimatum clear in his voice.

Karen's heart nearly stopped at his words. They weren't shouted in anger or hatred, but murmured in utter calm. "You don't mean that, Lucas. You'll always be my baby. We've got a tie that nothing can break."

He slowly shook his head, knowing that she was totally blinded by Dan. "Ties can be broken, mom. You, of all people should know that," Lucas said, watching as Karen stood there, silently shaking. He didn't know if that scared him more than her defense of Dan, or if it was the mere fact that she'd allowed the man to rip their relationship apart in the first place. "I'm not threatening you, mom, or giving you fake ultimatums. But I won't allow myself to be destroyed by Dan Scott. Not any more, not ever again. I'll leave home as soon as I graduate high school, just don't expect me to participate in this disaster while I'm still living here."

She shook her head, as if to deny his words. Lucas was emotional and he was never totally rational when the topic involved Dan. But she also knew Dan and the capacity that he had for love. Dan was a born salesman and she knew that it would just take time for him to crack their son's harsh, distant outer shell. Karen knew that deep inside, Lucas longed for Dan's attention and affection. He just had to try one last time, trust her to know what was best in the long run. "I've raised you to be a better person than this, Luke. I raised you to have a generous heart and to forgive those who hurt you. The anger you've nourished in your heart towards Dan is destructive and it's going to do you more harm than him in the long run. You just need to try one last time and forgive your father for not being the person you wanted him to be."

Lucas wiped his still bleeding hand on his jeans; oblivious to the pain the friction between torn flesh and denim caused him. He didn't feel anything, hadn't felt anything for a long time. He was numb inside and had been for the past year or so. Lucas remained silent, staring at the floor. He considered his mom's words a moment, before looking up and staring her directly in the eye. "Some people are worthy of forgiveness, mom. People like Keith and that stupid accident that you felt was worth lying about. I forgave you for that deception. But the deception about you and Dan is something I may never accept."

Her face contorted at his words, as a sudden fear griped her heart. This wasn't totally about his anger towards Dan or the change in his parent's relationship. Some of his unyielding anger was aimed at her, too. "Are you saying that you'll never forgive me for that decision?" she hesitantly asked, not sure that she really wanted an answer. Sometimes lies were a far kinder thing than truth.

He silently headed for the door, feeling the need to escape, to find some air that wasn't so polluted with toxic regret and lies. He needed Brooke. She was the one person who'd take his side and not tell him he was wrong to be hurt and angry at Karen's decision to forgive Dan. He hesitated as he pulled the door open and turned back toward her. "I don't know if I'll ever fully forgive you. I just don't know." Looking at her with something akin to true confusion, Lucas shrugged his shoulders as he pulled the door shut, effectively cutting her out of his soul. He had to find Brooke. He needed the one person he truly believed in, the only person who'd not betrayed his trust.

The door opened behind him as his feet hit the sidewalk. He could hear Karen calling out to him, cajoling him back to her with empty words. Angrily swatting tears away from his eyes, he broke into a run, out of a deep seeded need to get away from her voice. He had to find Brooke.

Great appreciation to all the readers who realize that mixing X with alcohol is a very, very big mistake. I realize that things are looking fairly dark at this point, but it took 16 years for this to happen and it won't be resolved quickly. Thanks for reading and replying.