Author's Note: I don't own Torchwood. BBC does.
xxxx
After getting dressed for a day of last minute shopping, Owen smiled at the man looking back at him the mirror. At a men's store, Ianto helped him pick out a suit for the wedding.
"Clothes I will never wear, again. Everyone at work thinks I'm a girl."
"If I wasn't with Jack, I would date you," said Ianto.
Owen batted his eyelashes. "I'm flattered."
"Gwen can't believe you're still living with Diane. How's that going?"
"I'm teaching her about Internet dating. So far all she seems to have learned is the word no. For a girl who slept with a married man because she wanted meaningless sex, she seems to be shying away from men just looking for a good time."
"She may have found the man she wants."
Owen smiled at the thought. However, Diane would eventually find a man that could do more than use his fingers, his tongue and a vibrator. Since Owen's body was dead, his sole purpose was pleasing Diane, so she couldn't get a more dedicated lover. "Sit on my face and tell me that you love me."
xxxx
Although Owen enjoyed dancing with Diane at the wedding, he was happy that Martha's sister, Tish, caught the bouquet, not Diane. Ianto did tease that Diane and Owen would be the next Torchwood couple to get married. That Monday morning, the hospital had more than its normal accidents involving children standing in the middle of the road.
By lunch time, everyone was talking about it. While pretending to read a book, Owen listened to the other housekeepers.
"All the children stopped, just stopped," said Uneek, which Owen found out wasn't a unique name. "Once was weird enough, but it happened, again, two hours later."
Owen looked at the same page he was rereading. He wasn't going to get much reading done with gossip flowing.
"Owen, what do you think?" asked Uneek.
"It's odd," said Owen. "Small children can hear higher pitches than us old folks."
Uneek, who was 19 or 20, if she was a day, said, "You're talking about yourself."
"I'm 27." He would always be 27. "Still ten year olds can hear stuff someone in their twenties can't."
"Just because we clean up after doctors all day, don't go thinking you know something," said Uneek.
"You asked me." Owen looked at the words on the page. "Uneek, I'm going back to my reading."
The other hospital employees had left the break room and it was only Uneek and him sitting at the table.
Uneek continued to talk. "Still it's creepy all the children stopping twice in one day - two hours apart - and that scream and the chatting 'we are coming.'"
Owen wanted to actually finish reading the paragraph he was on. "Sound waves."
Jack had Mickey and Minnie working for him now. If Jack wanted his input, he would call him. The hospital was in the phone book and he was the only Owen Harper in housekeeping. Then again, Mr and Mrs Mouse would still be on their honeymoon that left Jack, Gwen and Ianto - only 3 people to handle a bunch of aliens or someone using alien technology that was the right frequency to be only heard by children of a certain age. Why did he feel guilty about trying to read while listening to Uneek babble when Torchwood was no longer his problem?
"Owen, no one has seen you eat or drink," said Uneek. "You're an alien."
"That's insane," said Owen, shutting his book. No reading was going to happen, today.
Uneek said in a sing-song voice, "Owen's an alien."
Owen slammed his book on the breakroom table. "I can tell you the truth, but you need to keep quiet. Then again, you can announce it on the hospital loud speaker because no one would believe you. I just rather you didn't."
"I won't tell anyone," said Uneek.
"I know a bit about alien technology because my former boss used some on me," explained Owen in a soft voice. "You can touch my hand. I won't freak out this time. I promise."
Uneek put her hand over his hand. "It's plastic and cool to the touch." She moved her hand over his wrist. "You're a fucking robot. That's why your make-up doesn't smear. You're an impressive piece of technology. I'll give you that. Your secret is safe with me."
"Happy?" Owen was coated in a plastic film to keep his skin from getting scratched (it wasn't the scratching itself - it was the skin cells flaking off due to scratching.) or torn. And clean-up was a wipe with a wet cloth. A shower meant skin and hair going down the drain - skin and hair that wouldn't grow back - and few flakes and a few hairs over time would make him bald and skinless. The film also sealed his make-up, so it wouldn't run or smear. A robot? He figured that was more believable then a walking dead man.
"You aren't human technology," said Uneek. "You were build by aliens to spy on us."
"I'm not a robot," explained Owen. "If I were designed for reconnaissance, I would have a rubbish bin for food stuff."
"Not if they needed the space for electronics, levers and pulleys." Uneek had an answer for everything.
"A robot? You know how crazy you sound?"
"Then what the fuck are you?" Uneek touched Owen's cheek for less than a second. "Plastic. You're a robot decoy like in those comics."
Owen tried to take a deep breath, but no air would fill his lungs. "Calm down. Our emotions are running high because someone is using the children. I'll never be a father and I think that's low."
"Owen, you're a girl. A plastic girl, but a girl none the less."
"The boobs." And he was using female mannerisms and a feminine voice. "A girl. I'm not thinking straight. I need to use one of my sick days and go home. Tell no one this or I'll give you and your friend medicine to make you forget."
"How do I know we haven't had this conversation before?" she asked.
"You don't." Owen stood and put the book under his arm. "I'm going home."
"Owen, I wouldn't tell anyone you're plastic. Not that anyone would believe me."
Owen punched out for the day and went home. Diane had a charter flight. Rich people taking a business trip. No crops today. Real flying, according to Diane. The flat was too quiet. Maybe, being at work would have been better. Too late for that now.
Not having anything else to do, he went to a virtual sex club on an adult gaming server. But "We are coming" kept repeating in his mind. Who was coming? And why did the aliens use children to talk for them? He should stop being a stubborn arsehole for a second and call Jack, Gwen or Ianto.
Owen called the hospital. "I need a few days off. I'm not feeling so good."
"We need you," said his boss. "You must have heard the news. You don't have children, so I thought I could count on you."
"I didn't ask to be sick." Owen hung up the phone.
And few minutes later, his caller ID told him the hospital was calling back. "Owen, it's Uneek. I'm sorry about earlier."
"Me, too," said Owen. "I'll refresh my make-up, take off the wig and you can see the real me. Or as much as I show anyone other than my girlfriend."
"You have a girlfriend?" asked Uneek.
"Does that surprise you?" Owen asked in his normal voice. Of course, it did or she wouldn't have questioned it. Owen threw the conversation to her. "Do you have someone?"
"I have a bloke," said Uneek.
"After my girl gets off from work, we can all meet up for drinks," Owen suggested.
xxxx
Owen was happy to be dressed like a man because he wasn't very comfortable playing a girl, but since he kept to himself, he was Owen with boobs, a wig and a slight wiggle to his walk. He combed his hair gently. He didn't shed hair because he was dead, but he could still break off a split end while combing.
While Diane was making herself a sandwich, Owen said, "We're going out with a co-worker of mine and her bloke. All these children got hit by cars due to standing in the road. Then the "We are coming", everyone is a bit freaked out."
"I didn't hear about it until we landed," said Diane.
"The control tower wouldn't want to upset you and it isn't like you could have done anything about it," said Owen.
"Isn't this something Torchwood would be involved with?" asked Diane.
"They have my number," said Owen. "They can reach me by mobile any time."
"You should call them," said Diane.
"They need their phone lines free for real calls," said Owen.
xxxx
At the pub, Owen ran over to Uneek and hugged her. Uneek introduced her bloke, Dave, and Owen introduced Diane then they got a table. "Three beers," said Owen, paying for the first round.
"Owen doesn't drink," said Diane.
"Everyone at work thinks I have this phobia about eating in front of people," said Owen. "They think I'm totally neurotic and they don't know about the crossdressing."
Diane took Owen's hand. "You're beautiful in and out of a dress."
Owen winked at Uneek. "Especially out of one."
"Owen can make the Earth move without Daleks," said Diane.
Owen put an arm around Diane. "It isn't necrophilia if I'm conscious."
"You're dead?" said Uneek.
"In a Death Becomes Her kind of way," said Owen. "Not Night of the Living Dead."
Diane leaned against Owen. "He's my zombie. Get your own."
"With the children saying 'We are coming', I couldn't let Uneek think I'm an alien robot," said Owen, "No matter how humorous it was."
"Right, zombie." Uneek laughed. "You're an alien robot."
Owen pulled up his shirt. "See bullet wound. No blood, no scarring, not healing. I was 27 years old when I died." He put his shirt back down.
Dave said, "I'm talking to a dead man. Cool."
They were playing pool when Owen's phone rang. Ianto was hysterical. "A bomb was implanted inside Jack. The hub blew up. I'm on the run. Watch yourself." Then the phone went dead.
Owen said to Diane. "We need to talk alone."
Diane said, "The girls' bathroom."
"I'm not dressed for it."
"Outside then," Diane hurried Owen outside. "Torchwood called."
"Ianto, again. A bomb was implanted in Jack. The hub is gone. Ianto is on the run," Owen explained in a near whisper. "We need to wait for another phone call and not go home."
"That's it," said Diane.
"I'm dead. I can't be killed," whispered Owen. "They could kill you to get to me."
"We need to act normal and finish our billiards game," said Diane.
"Good idea," he whispered back.
Diane sank one ball after another then called the eight ball and sank it, too. "Game's over. Let's go home." She grabbed Owen and kissed him full on the lips.
Owen pushed Diane's lips off his mouth and said, "Dave, Uneek, we need to go home. I think she's horny."
Uneek mouthed, "You think?" Then waved good-bye.
While they were walking along the street arm-in-arm, Owen said, "That was not acting normal."
Diane smirked. "When you're good, you're good."
xxxx
Author's Note: Sit on my face is a Monty Python tune. My ex-husband is a fan of Monty Python. You can see by my typo (since corrected) I am not.