A million thanks to my loveliest-ever beta, FawkesyLady, who works tirelessly to ensure that my writing is as good as can be. You're the best, love!

Barry the Bastard flew into the kitchen at neck-breaking speed. With a great whooshing sound, he circled the room, wings fully spread to show off their impressive width. The Chiefest of All Owls announced himself with a loud, 'Twit-twoooo!'

He pushed up his chest officiously as he perched on his favourite chairback. It was time to see if his Human was earning her keep. According to Barry, the Human in question had but one job – to make him happy. She was expected to keep his cage clean, to refill his treat bowl daily, to clean up his litter tray and to praise and fawn over him, and whenever it suited him, she might be allowed to scratch his neck ruff. IF she was very good.

So far, the Human was doing well enough. Barry found her to be quite diligent, and it made him very happy indeed that the occasional disciplinary measures he had to enforce seemed to be working. The undesirable behaviours, such as ruffling his feathers, or worse... calling him CUTE, were becoming less frequent. Barry shuddered with revulsion at that particular memory.

Yes, such acts had to be nipped in the bud. A runny shit here and a pellet there kept the Human focused on her life's purpose, and the periodic bite or a vicious scratch served as a way of encouraging the Human to think about her behaviour, repent, and atone accordingly. The two-legged idiot would treat him with the respect and love he deserved. She chose him, and he deserved nothing less.

It was therefore a great shock to the Owl Overlord's system as he registered the deeply disturbing scene that played out right before his sulphuric eyes. His own pet Human – the traitorous, double-crossing, back-stabbing, good-for-nothing Jezebel, was sitting at the table, crooning lovingly to a measly wimp of an owl, stroking its motheaten feathers with a look of unadulterated bliss. Worse, she was hand feeding the miserable wretch treats. HIS treats.

Without any preamble, Barry spread his claws and launched a vicious assault at the surprised pair with a mighty battle cry. His sharp claws found their mark easily, and as he buried them into the Human's tender scalp, he beat at the air to try and rip away from the tangled mess of hair. The attack startled the tiny Scops owl, who launched himself into the air. He was quite fast as he manoeuvred to perch on the curtain rail, chirping in panic and confusion.

Pigwidgeon watched in horror as Barry exacted his revenge. Feeling his rival's eyes on him, Barry flipped around and braced himself on the crown of his prey's hair, perching and pausing in his attack for a moment to glare upwards. He spread his wings over his pet's head in an open display of hostility. 'That's right, stay right there,' Barry thought in his little head, 'I'll have a word with you later!'

His Human huddled with her arms wrapped around her head. She was reeling from his attack and he could feel her wobble off balance as she used one hand to try and disentangle his claws from her hair and scalp. 'BARRY!' She cried out, pain and shock causing her to positively screech. Barry was not done, oh no, so he mercilessly jabbed at her hands with his razor-sharp beak, fending her off.

'WHAT THE FUCK'S GOT INTO YOU?! STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!'

Barry seethed with righteous anger. The straw-haired ape would know exactly why she was being punished if she would just stop and give it a modicum of consideration. She was a thoughtless traitor - caught red-handed as she committed treason against The Elite Owl Emperor! It was his right and duty to exact revenge.

'My treats! MINE!' Barry screeched as the Human's arms began wheeling around in a desperate attempt to scare him off without falling. This vain attempt at disengaging him from his mission only served to push Barry further into his berserker battle rage. 'What did you think, you flightless cunt - that you can piss about with another owl without any consequences?! That I would never find out?!' He shifted so that he could bend down and regard her face more closely, using his tail and wings for balance. He batted his wings and lifted one talon to reach down and try to grab onto her nose. He had briefly contemplated scratching out her eyes, but then she would be useless to him. Surveying the damage, he marked how his Human's head was covered in cuts and grazes, and rivulets of blood flowed down from her hairline, staining her cheeks red and mixing with her tears.

A loud squawk finished this portion of the punishment, 'YOU LOVE ME, AND ONLY ME!'

And as for you…' Barry turned his head to the little owl, which was now circling the kitchen rapidly like an idiot, without any sense of direction. 'DON'T EVER TOUCH MY TREATS!' Releasing the Human's hair, he launched himself at the smaller owl. It started to fly about in erratically, hooting shrilly in terror. Barry was much larger than Pigwidgeon, and it only took two rotations about the kitchen before he caught the little git and pinned him down to the countertop.

With his full weight bearing down on the little owl, he leaned in, forcing Pig to look into his eyes as he made to deliver this last lesson, 'AND DON'T…'

Before he had a chance to rip this tiny opponent to shreds, he heard his Human cry, 'Petrificus Totalus!' Barry froze in midair, hit by a flash of white light, and fell down onto the floor with a loud, dull thump.

Looming above him, Alice panted heavily, and she quivered with the shock of the brutal attack. Her hand had shook even as she successfully fired the Full Body-Bind Curse at her ferocious owl. 'Enough!' She growled and took a step toward the terrified little owl, which was staring at her wide-eyed. It flipped upright, and it coiled itself, ready to snap open his wings and fly away from this crazed Human and her rabid bird.

Alice stepped back, holding her palms outward in a gesture of conciliation. She softened her voice and tried to explain, 'Barry can be a bit of a bastard, I know,' she crooned to the scared little bird, and held out her arm invitingly. 'I'm sorry that he attacked you, he's just being unreasonable. Now come over, so I can tie this letter to your leg,'

'Hoooot!' The little owl grumbled, and puffed out his chest and neck ruff, as though to say, 'I was about to leap to your rescue, I had him on the ropes, I did!' After two beats pause, Pigwidgeon allowed himself to be coaxed back to compliance, stepping onto the proffered forearm, taking care not to leave any more holes in this human's hide. After all, she did have a treat in her pocket for him, he just knew it.

Holding one leg out, he waited patiently as Alice tied the missive in place with unsteady fingers. She had fumbled the twine twice, but settled on a messy granny knot that should hold. Her bleeding fingers had left a trace of blood on the parchment, an inelegant mockery of a wax seal.

'There.' She held up the treat, and the little owl gobbled it up. 'Now, Pig, go and take this to Fred and George. I'll see them later.'

As Pig took his leave through the window, Alice turned to Barry, and stared him furiously in the eye. 'And you…!' She began accusingly as she picked up the limp bundle of feathers and carried him out the back door and into the yard, setting him down on the dirt. 'You, are a terrible bully! I cannot believe your behaviour! If you do this again, I'll take you to an owlery and leave you there forever!'

She put him on the paving slabs and brandished her wand. 'You can take care of your own supper tonight. Consider it punishment for being an asshole!' She had thought to leave him there, but the idea of a cat or other predator getting to him while he was stunned was more than she was willing to risk, even as angry as she was.

One expertly aimed Ennervate later, and the witch marched back inside the house, shutting the door and the windows closed with a flick of her wand.

Barry woke abruptly, and found himself laying on his back in a very unnatural position, staring up at the clouded English sky. A nearby door being slammed shut made him jump up wildly. The ground didn't seem to be stable, tilting under him. Swaying on his feathered feet, he blinked rapidly a few times in order to bring his vision back into focus, and discovered he was outside, behind the house. In a rush, it all came back to him. As he became reoriented, he ruffled his feathers, sending his skin rippling as a wave of righteous indignation washed over his walnut-sized brain. 'What the fuck?!' He thought angrily as he hopped from one paving slab to the next, chirping at the closed door. 'What the fuck have you done to me, dumb-arsed toad?!'

Flying clumsily onto the window sill, he peeked inside, and saw his precious plate of treats on the other side of the window. His Human was sat at the table with a small mirror, apparently trying to poke her eyes out with a black fluffy stick. He banged at the window with his beak, once, twice, three times, but the Human looked up at him and scowled before turning back to poking her eyes out.

'Stop your monkeying around and let me in this instant! What the fuck do you think you're doing?!' He screeched and jabbed at the glass a little harder. This was strange. Everything had gone pear shaped and he was at a loss as to understand where it all went wrong. Why was the Human ignoring him, when she should have been feeding him strips of bacon lovingly, and properly begging for his forgiveness?! He had only done what any self-respecting owl would have done in his place - punish the treacherous Human and scare away the trespasser! SHE was the one who had broken faith with HIM!

'Let me in, fuckwit! Ungrateful cunt!'

The Human was not responding properly and the wrongness of the situation struck him. As he mulled this over, the girl got up, a look of firm resignation on her face. 'Finally,' he thought. 'She's seen sense, she is going to apologise, and we'll work on getting things back on track.' That line of thought abruptly ended when the girl met his eyes and then in one deliberate movement, she drew the curtain closed. Right in his beak. Barry was shocked - was she rejecting him?!

'Fine! Have it your way, yellow-haired harlot!' He seethed as he took off in a random direction. 'You'll come begging me to come back, but I won't! I'll spend my days sleeping peacefully in the trees, and hunting for fat tasty mice at night!'

He mused as he circled the estate, 'I don't need your fucking treats! Shove them up your arse, stupid cunt, I can find love elsewhere! Hell - I can even find another Human! Yes, who wouldn't wish to worship me, hoot?! You can keep that little fucking wimp if you like - see if he'll deliver your post as well as I do! Hoooooot!'

He wheeled about the house, checking out his territory once before turning away. No, that disgrace of a bird wasn't here any longer, and there wasn't a queue of like-minded owls waiting to move in behind him. Not that he really cared. He'd have to tell them all at the Post Office to watch for this human, not to trust her. He contemplated laying in wait to stop others from approaching this vicious, unsafe witch. For their safety, of course.

He swooped down and perched on a battered old fence in the alley not far from his Human's house. He wanted to stay near. The traitor might come out looking for him. Oh, how triumphant would he be, to not react to her passionate pleas for his return! Surely, she would be worried sick, and he would just sit there, listening in to her torment. Yes, the Human would soon come to miss his divine presence. That ignorant ape would regret her outrageous, unrepentant behaviour.

He imagined how the bitch would come running to him with teary eyes and an armful of dry-cured bacon, thankful for his glorious return, promising to never upset him again. He would give her a final reprimand, and then, he would graciously forgive her transgressions and allow her to love and serve him again. Yes, she would be utterly humbled and desperate to fulfill his every wish. He would hoot and she would ask, 'How high?'

For now, however, he was still furious with the back-stabbing viper. A viper he had raised on his own feathered breast. He would not forgive easily. He was ready to chase the other owl away and allow his Human to make amends, and she had… shut him out! How unreasonable! How scandalous! Disgraceful!

'Let her suffer!' He seethed as he began grooming himself. 'Let her endure the agony of not knowing where I am! In fact, she should just kill herself. Or shove that stupid swooshing stick of hers straight into her heart! Oh, but she has no heart!'

'Looks like somebody's ruffled your feathers.' An unknown rich, deep hoot came from somewhere to his right. Barry turned his head abruptly, and his acid-yellow eyes widened at the sight of the most beautiful owl he had ever seen. The stranger was perched nonchalantly to his left, regarding him with cool amusement. And oh, she was stunning. Her bright-orange eyes were glowing with the intensity of Fiendfyre, framed with jet-black fringe of feathers reminiscent of heavily painted eyelashes. Snowy-white disks of plumage surrounded those fiery orbs like a mask, enhancing her mysterious allure.

Barry's sulphuric eyes slid lasciviously up and down, noticing the coarse greyish-brown blotches scattered across her tail and wings, and the exquisite dark streaks upon her soft, fluffy breast.

His heart beat a rampant staccato as he drank in the sight of the goddess, who seemed to have descended from heavens above in order to claim his soul and his heart. When the Enchantress clucked her cute, tiny beak impatiently, Barry shook himself out of his reverie and realised that he must have been staring at her for an inappropriately long time. Clearing his throat, he puffed up his broad, impressive chest, and nonchalantly strutted over to the stranger, making sure to sway his tail feathers this way and that.

'Why, hello there,' He hooted in what he hoped was his best irresistible-seducer voice. 'Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk past again?' He added, wiggling his eyebrows.

The beautiful owl's eyes widened momentarily, before she chuckled darkly, obviously entertained. Raising one eyebrow, she hooted, 'Smooth talker, are we? How cute.'

Barry stiffened. She called him cu… he shuddered, unable to complete the word he resented so much, even in his own thoughts. But she called him a smooth talker. That was a good thing, right? Emboldened, he moved a little closer, and whispered, 'I, am Apollyon Fionnbharrth Flutterbottom. And who are you, oh beautiful one?'

The stranger smirked as she looked him up and down, before asking, 'So… Apollyon, what's got you into such a sulk?'

Barry's stomach dropped. The owl had tilted her head to the side flirtatiously, and was observing him from beneath hooded lids, her lovely little beak raised slightly in an approximation of an amused quirk of a lip. Quickly gathering his wits, Barry decided to tell her all about his recent fight.

'My Human,' he murmured, and clenched the fence tightly in his sharp talons. 'She's such a useless cunt. I gave her my best efforts, and she still chose to go knocking about with some fucking worm-ridden, bumblefooted pidgeon! She was feeding that cheeky blighter MY treats!'

'Oh, poor baby!' The stranger hooted in sympathy. She clucked her beak in disapproval before moving a little closer. 'Have you not taught your Human proper treat segregation? Does she not keep the best for you and set aside lesser scraps for working owls? The protocol in this matter is very clear - I don't know what they are teaching those witches these days?'

'I have tried to supplement her education, but I must have found the densest witch in all of the Isles!' Barry stared at his claws in embarrassment. Was she thinking that he couldn't train his pet-human? Desperate to save face, he rushed to explain, 'I have taught and explained and punished accordingly. I have spent a long time drilling the rules into her empty head - yet she remains insolent and treacherous! The moment I turn my back, she runs off to be all lovey-dovey with other owls! Had I not woken up from my daily nap and caught her red-handed, I would have never found out! My Human is a bad, bad ape! I don't know why I even keep her!'

'Sometimes I wonder why I keep mine,' The Stranger drawled with an understanding bob of her head. 'My own Human is quite well-trained, but still misbehaves on occasion - just to vex me, it seems. The other day, I caught him topping up my food bowl without emptying and washing it first!'

'No!' Barry's beak hung open in disbelief. That was unforgivable and unsanitary - to mix fresh food with old?! Scandalous! Surely, his Human would never do that to him? 'Was he trying to make you sick?! What did you do? Let me at him! Show me your Human, oh gorgeous one, and I shall shit on his head!'

'Don't worry, I dropped a pellet in his food,' the Owl replied off-handedly. 'I don't think he'll be doing that again.'

'He'd better not,' Barry replied gruffly. He was very impressed with how the beautiful owl handled the situation, and filed the ingenious punishment away for future reference. 'I very nearly scratched my Human's eyes out, I was so enraged. I thought better of it, though - she would be of no use for me if she was blind.'

He paused, and regarded the stranger with uncertainty, searching her face in an attempt to determine her opinion. She leant forwards slightly, and gave an encouraging nod, clearly wishing to hear more. Barry, relieved and desperate to impress the stranger, continued, 'I then turned around to mash the wee flobberworm into a pulp - he was only a diddy thing, but fast! There it was, bumbling about in circles like a hammered fly, but I snatched it out of the air in two turns, I did! Pinned him down, and was about to give him a scar to remember me by... but then my Human waved that weird little stick of hers and… kicked me out!'

The fair owl had been listening politely, but at the mention of the wand she could not contain herself. "That is appalling!' Her eyes opened wide in sympathetic indignation. Scandalised by the unjust treatment Barry had been subjected to, she continued,

'My wizard but rarely uses his magic on me, so I am reluctant to scratch or bite, as much as he provokes me. No, we have come to an understanding and I manage to express my censure in other ways' She hopped once, repositioning herself to duck closer to Barry, 'Only last week I introduced a cache of doxy eggs into the sofa. It was so amusing to watch that ridiculous simian dash from room to room, trying to contain the infestation. I had done it while he was away, you see? He will never be certain that it was me.' She caught the look of confusion as it crossed Apollyon's face. 'Oh, when I need to be more direct, I will drop a dead mouse in the chimney, or a toad into his slippers. As boneheaded he might be at times, he does seem to be fairly swift on the uptake.' She shook her wings once, before adding, 'And he is properly devoted to me. Pathetic sod. So alone. I don't know what he'd do without me to keep him company at night.'

The kitchen window opened abruptly, and the stranger turned her head towards the source of the noise. 'And that's the man himself.' Her voice warmed with amusement. 'I suppose he needs my help. I don't know what he'd do without me. Helpless as an owlet!' She favoured Barry with a regal nod. 'Good hunting.'

'Of course,' Barry replied, then gave her a saucy wink. 'Will I see you around? I was thinking of heading to that little patch of wilderness by the mill pond later. I found this fantastic colony of deer mice. Fattest little morsels I've had in a good month. I'd be glad for the company, take my mind off of my woes?'

The beautiful owl had already turned her back to him, flapping her wings as she took off. She turned her head and shot Barry with a look of superior indifference. 'Maybe. I hope your Human sorts herself out, but there's always more where that one came from, isn't there? Oh, and by the way, my name is Sharon La Chasseuse des Souris.'

'Sharon…' Barry crooned to himself as he watched her fly into the house.