– Riot Force 6, early morning, same day as Fate's, earlier –

Another long day waited for me.

Another long and painful day waiting for me to feel guilty.

Ever since...

I was fully awake despite that I hadn't gotten any sleep. It had been long since I had a good night of sleep. My sleeps were full of nightmares. I was lost in a wheel of misfortune. I barely lived on borrowed time.

Eyes closed, I was fully obvious to the morning. The buzz of the clock just told me. I was tired; getting little sleep was bringing me down. Emotions of all kind were fighting inside my head. Headaches were making my days and nights. All that, just like the day before, the week before, the month before, the year before. I had been living on caffeine and on sorrows since then.

Since... Since...

I shook my head on the pillow. It wasn't the time to think about that. I wasn't going to think about that. No. I shouldn't think. I had no right to. No right at all...

I pushed away the sheets as I sat at the border of the big bed. A too much big bed for only me. I started doing stretches for a little while and after the little exercises, I let out a sigh. The day hadn't started that I felt dead inside. It was only 5 am and the sun was entering the room a little by the not closed curtains, but I didn't feel the warm, I only felt pathetic. Warmth had left me since then. I looked behind me to see the other side of the bed made. It was always made, always. It seemed to never have been undone for years.

... And it wasn't far from the truth.

I felt tears going to my eyes. I was about to cry. Again. But I shouldn't. I have no right to. I tried to fight the urge but failed at it. Tears fell slowly at first. As if it wanted to hurt me little by little. Then they wanted to fall all at the same time. My cheeks were pink and I had difficulties to only breath. My heart clenched and I felt pain from all over my body. I folded on the bed.

It had been like this since then. Every morning, the same routine. Every single morning. As if it was a curse.

And it was one.

After it calmed, I began to wander my gaze in the room. But it was a bad idea. Everything reminded me of...

I shook my head as more tears fell down. My blurry vision turned to the part of the bed unused. A quick memory of those beautiful eyes that only looked at me made me wince. Consummated me. I felt pitiful.

I was pitiful.

I cried out loud. Nothing mattered. Nobody could stop my tears. They were cold on my burning cheeks. They were full of sorrows and anger. Sorrows because it was because of me. Anger because I couldn't do anything. Everything that had happened was because of me. It was my entire fault after all.

And nobody could deny it.

I sighed and frowned. Get a hold of yourself, Nanoha. It already has been two years... Get a grip... I told myself.

I then heard the door opened slowly. I rushed to wipe my tears away but got caught in the action by a sweet little voice of an angel.

"Don't cry mama..." My daughter walked to me and jumped on the bed to hug me.

I cried again and she followed me. "V-Vivio..." I breathed out in her long blond hair. Just like... "I... I..."

She stopped me kindly. "Shhh..." She patted my back and tightened the hug. "Mama..."

I couldn't take anymore and cried hard on my daughter's little body. She supported her dysfunctional mother that I was. Vivio... I never wanted for her to have a mother like this; lost, broken, weak, pathetic. I didn't want her to live this… Her little fragile body supported me until tears stopped on their own.

When we were sure that I stopped sobbing anymore, she pushed me slightly and looked right through my defenses with seriousness I didn't know she was capable. She's not my daughter for nothing… Nor yours too…

"It's about her, right mama?"

Her: Fate T. Harlaown. F-F… F-Fate-chan… Her name seemed so distant, so unfamiliar, so…

I must have a surprised expression because she smiled at me just like the way… The same way you used to smile… I shook my head as she looked confused.

"Don't worry my dear. I won't cry anymore."

She laughed sweetly. Like you've always did…

"You say that every day, mama."

I frowned. It wasn't true, right? Of course it was, Vivio had never lied.

"Mama, don't worry. She'll come back. You always told me that she always does."

I smiled lightly at my turn. She was right. I then grinned at her and started to tickle her until she begged to stop.

"M-m-mamahahahahah! I-I-I…! *gasp* I-I g-give up!" She had tears in her eyes as she tried to breathe through her begging.

But I wasn't stopping soon. Such sweet moments were rare. I bet she would be the one like this… Playing with Vivio… Like this…

I wasn't aware that I had stopped and that tears were falling silently down my redden cheeks. It took a moment for me to feel soft tiny hands around my face. I looked down on my daughter. She put her front on mine and closed her eyes with a little smile.

"It'll be alright. I'm here with you like Lindy-san, Hayate-san and everyone too!" She beamed at me.

I smiled warmly and closed my eyes too. "Do you want to eat breakfast?"

She hugged me and laughed as she brought me to kitchen in a run.

Kids should be like this, not taking care of their mother. They should be carefree and not calming their broken mother. Like me. Just a broken mind and heart.

I was weak, fragile, and pathetic when I used to be stronger if not the strongest. The Ace of Aces I was. But not anymore, I couldn't take that name anymore. Not after what I'd done. I'd always been trying to befriend everyone, to save everyone. But I couldn't- didn't even save my most precious friend.

My best friend had fallen and I didn't even catch her.

I knew her back from my childhood, but it seemed that I didn't know her that well. She was there, begging silently that I would come to help and I didn't even see her. I was living happily while she was sinking into darkness, all because of me. I left her all alone while I was surrounded by all our friends, by everyone.

I failed her.

To feel guilty, ashamed or in fault everyday was my curse for what I did to her, for what I didn't do for her. Oh hell I was guilty for everything.

It was my fault, not anyone else. I knew it from the bottom of my core. It was written in my blood, on my skin, in the sky I loved so much. Because of me, she fall, because of me, she broke, because of me, she left…

I didn't even foresee her leave. I had been too much focused on my happiness to see her at all. Even though that she was the center of my world. Within my happy life, she was suffering and everyone knew it but me. And she went away.

I never had the chance to see her again.

When I went over a meeting the very next day of her departure, I was welcomed by a dark atmosphere. Every stare was on me. I didn't know that they were all angry at me until Hayate told me that Fate was gone. I tried to laugh then, trying vainly to not understand what she was saying. Until she cried.

I ran away.

I didn't know why she was gone, but I knew it was my entire fault. It was all because of me. I just knew it, I didn't need to question anyone; it was me.

I only needed to run and to seclude myself in our old apartment. I couldn't face anyone, not with what I'd done. Not with knowing that Fate was gone.

Not a single tear fall. I crawled on the bed, on her side. There was no scent of her, as if she hadn't sleep on the bed since a long time. I looked around. Everything of her was still the same way since I left this room. It was as if no one had been living in here since forever. As if this room was hell itself.

Two months had passed and no one could bring me out. Until they had brought my mother on Mid-Childa. When I saw her entered the bedroom, walking to me, embracing me, I let all guards down.

I broke in tears. Every emotions that I kept inside, trying to forget them, finally burst out. It hurt like hell. I felt from her warmth and kindness while I didn't deserve them at all. We stayed like this for what felt hours or days, but it was merely been one single hour.

She proposed that I would go back on Earth for some vacation. I… I couldn't say no to her and followed her even though everyone I encountered glared at me. The guilt was hitting me hard and it was only the beginning.

The beginning of hell.

I stayed a few months on Earth to only grieve on my pitiful self. The more I stayed in comfort there when my co-workers were working hard to compile my unfinished work even thought they sure hated me.

It was pure torture to know nothing and be waiting I-didn't-know-what to happen. And when it did happen, I just knew I needed to return to face fate. Irony wasn't it? Fate. My best friend as well as my hell on earth.

Work was what brought me back. And she had a name: Vivio. When I heard of a child being involved on the case, I ran to Mid-Childa. Fate was a child too then.

My return was not well welcoming and I walked head down all way to Riot 6. It wasn't just an excellent – if not the best – enforcer that everyone lost. It was for some a friend, a co-worker, a protector, a daughter, a sister… And I took them all that.

When I first met her, when I first let an eye on her, I realised my wedding was a terrible mistake. It took me away from everything. It took me away everything. I had nothing against Yuuno. I like him a lot. But not as much as it should be.

I soon demanded divorce.

I was granted it but not without consequence. On a moment of weakness, Yuuno had granted me the most important information – yet troubling – about Fate.

That Fate was in love with me.

In love.

With me.

Fate.

At first, I laughed awkwardly, denying it completely. He only said that out of anger and sadness. It was fear and nothing else. Oh so I thought like a child would.

But when he went all silent with a serious expression, reality couldn't be denied. And I ran away again. Hayate was by pure coincidence on my path. I couldn't even look into her eyes. And my mind couldn't stop my voice to ask for the truth. And Hayate just repeated what Yuuno said, to my fears, or joys, or sadness. I didn't really know.

And again I ran away. Away from everyone. From me.

I had no idea that Fate would love me that way. I would have never imagined that Fate could be in love with me. No. It never occurred in my mind that possibility. The more I pondered over that thought, the more it would make sense.

The way she would smile at me, or simply laugh. She never asked me anything but would always do everything for me without hesitation. She gave me more then to anyone else. Not that she was selfish or anything, she gave everyone the same but for me. I was the one who brought her back, who showed her the world. I was her everything.

It was clear as water. Facts spoke the truth and I finally accepted it. After much pondering, and questioning, and revealing truths, I finally gave in it. But there was only one single question left.

Did I love her back?

That simple thought made me uneasy. Not that I had any problem same-sex relationship. But for myself, I had no idea. Not even a mere slice of it.

Time flied fast as I couldn't make myself clear. In that, Vivio got capture and I saved her. With that done, people around me started to stop making my life more miserable than what it was. It was as if I had more value than before. They pitied me more. Work kept me busy and with Vivio, I had no spare time to think much of my feelings. Nor did I have the need to.

My daily life made me understand it. Everything made me think of her. And everything was everything. Every action I did made me sadder. Every word I spoke were just another strike to my heart, building more guilt. Everything I thought was making me dead inside. Every night, nightmares clung to me and absorbed every hope I had.

Then, on a certain morning, I looked at my left and tears found their way on my cheeks. Surprised, yet knowing it would happen, it was then that I finally understood, finally knew that I really had fallen for her. That day, I cried so much that I never got to work. Vivio went to school, while I stayed home, embracing my stupid and pitiful self.

And it was like this ever since I faced my sentiments.

Every morning was pain and every night was destroying me. And it brought me to my weak self when I used to be at the best of my form, if not more. The white devil turned out to be just a plain weak devil. Because. Yes. I was a devil. I couldn't even be a good friend for Fate. How could I be anything but a devil? There was no denying it.

My life, my curse. I'm a failure as a friend, as a daughter, as a mother.

"Mama!" Vivio's worried and loud voice brought me back in reality.

I glanced around, trying to find why she would have yelled. I was in the kitchen, in front of my oven. Nothing out of ordinary. The window was closed, the fridge was at the same place, and the sink was closed. What was it? I then smelled something like burning eggs. My gaze fall down on the stove and the eggs – if it could still be called that – were only ashes in the pan, with a little gray smoke around it.

"Water!"

I ran over the sink, even if it wasn't good for the pan. Fire was the last thing I wanted for then. I let out a sigh. It's really not my day…

I turn to face Vivio that was frowning cutely. "How about we go eat outside for today, dear?"

She beamed at me and ran to her room to change clothes. I smiled at her. If only you could be here Fate-chan… You… Tears were about to come out again, but instead, I rushed to our bedroom to prepare myself for the day. A long day awaited me.

And I was right.

The day had passed slowly, something was off. Something was not right. And I couldn't figure it out. The sky had clouded itself during the afternoon but no sign of rain. Everyone at work seemed off by some unknown force, they were more stressful than before. As if something was about to happen, something bad…

When the day was finally over, I had a feeling – a weird one – which I needed to go over Hayate's place, soon. Before I could thing this over, I asked Vita to take Vivio back home as I was on my way to Hayate's apartment. I didn't know what urge was taking over me but I didn't knock or tell of my presence, I simply entered the room.

Something was drawing me there, I didn't know what or why.

I followed my instincts to Hayate's bedroom to find her with Signum facing a screen. Hayate was crying a little too much for my liking and Signum seemed uncharismatic with a mix of angry, worried and comprehensible expression. I brushed my thoughts away when I saw what the screen shown.

Fate!

My friends didn't seem to have noticed me and so I stayed put, even if my heart was yelling at me to do something, to go and talk to my best friend. I was hyperventilating and find it difficult to breathe and to calm my upside downed feelings. I finally get a grip – I really didn't know how, but I did – and I put my ears to action, they were useless when I was worried, or alarmed, or terrified of something.

"Fun? It was more awkward than fun for me and I know for you too." That was a hard blow right through my heart, I felt guiltier.

Fate's voice was still soft but it was also older, if not wiser. Her face had changed the most and at the same time, was still the same. She was always pretty, even prettier than what my memories told me. But her face was a little leaner than before; she had a certain poised expression mixed with melancholy – because of me – and she looked like she hadn't sleep in age.

It tore my heart. How could I…? What have I done? The reality hit me harder than any nightmares I had faced before. She looked almost like when her mother had passed on her – as Arf had told me some bad memories of it. I've made her like this… It's all my fault… How could I ever done this to Fate-chan… She's… I never wanted any of this! Why isn't it me there?! At her place, with that pain! I DESERVE IT! Not her! NO! I'm! I'm! I'm…

Hayate's cries made me looked at them. Signum traits had severed as well as Fate's. Why…?

"I... I wanted... sniff... to hear you... to see you..."

My fault. I know it. It hurts. It hurts!

The stoic expression of Fate hurt me more than anything. What could go worst? My mind played that trick on me. Oh no! Don't ask for worse Nanoha! It would happen!

Fate sighed as she frowned.

"Testarossa?" Signum worried voice came to my ears.

"Shut up!" Fate shook her head and seemed angry – or more annoyed – by something I couldn't see or hear.

"Testarossa, are you alright?

I heard Fate chuckled, laughed. It terrified me. I was paralysed in the background. She laughed more and more, uncontrollably. I was pale by the display. I made her like this… I hurt her! I'm horrible! I felt tears I didn't know fall on my cheeks.

"If I'm alright? Have I ever been?!" She shot at them – at me. "It was the best idea of all my life to go away. So I would not give anyone this insanity of mine!"

No! Fate! You're not insane! Damn…! Rare was I to swear. What have I done?! It's… It's… It's… WHY?

Fate then laughed louder, breaking my mind, my soul. Fate… I'm… I'm…

"Mother had broken and went insane. I might just take after her." She paused. "No, I might not." Fate faced them with a broken smile. "I already am like her."

No, you're not! You're a caring and beautiful person! You're nothing like her!

"Nobody ever cared, it's not like it would matter to anybody if I'm alive or not." Fate whispered head down.

Fate! Tears were falling like crazy; I didn't even know that I could cry shamelessly like this. Hayate cried too, but it was a far away noise. Signum was about to punch something, she restrained herself at the last second.

"It was a bad idea of me to have answered your call Hayate." She took a long breath. "You should forget me." Hayate's eyes widened. "Just like I forgot about you." Fate sighed. "Ah, it's raining..."

My heart clenched. I'm… I'm…

"Good bye, Yagami-san."

I'm sorry… I closed my eyes to sink my mind into darkness

"Fate-chan!" Hayate yelled despite her hollowed voice.

"Damn, Testarossa…"

I felt myself fell and I stumbled on the floor on my knees. My tears were dried and my head was heavy and spinning. The noise I made took the Yagami away from their respective thoughts.

"N-Nanoha-chan? What are you- since when are you here?" Hayate's still cracked voice made me wince.

I couldn't bear to look at her. I found myself in lack of breathing. I choke in my tears. The world around was spinning even with my eyes closed. I could only hear a faint noise coming from the two and nothing else. I fainted.

Pain. My heart was in pain. My head too. My whole body ached.

But my eyes were closed. Darkness was around me. Where am I? Fate-chan…Where are you? I… I… I need you! I miss you! I want you! I felt tears falling. Why aren't you here…? Oh. That's right. It's because of me… I've made you like this… I know why everyone is against me… I'm… the worst. I shouldn't be here. I should be there, breaking. Not here. No. I'm not that kind. I hate this. I hate this world. I hate myself.

I never really used the "h" word, if not at all. But I couldn't bear with my little self. I hated everything. But I couldn't hate her. No. Never.

"Is she going to be alright Shamal?" I could hear the voice of Hayate, she seemed kind of worried.

"I can't assume anything Hayate. She was really exhausted when you brought her here. With a little overdose of caffeine. She had lost too much weight too. And her stomach was almost empty. I don't know if she had eaten anything these past few days. For now she's really weak and I won't let her back on work as long as she won't take back her healthy weight. She will be resting for a week if needed."

"Shamal…"

I couldn't hear them anymore. I sat down in a very slow motion, but it was too fast. I opened my eyes to see blurry image of my two friends.

"I… Won't… Stay…" I was tired of only spoke this but continued either way. "I… Need… To…" I take a long breath. "Find… Fate…"

Shamal hurried at my side to push me down, unsuccessfully. "Nanoha, rest. Don't speak."

I pushed her a little with my weak arms. "No…! I need to… Find Fate… Now…" Hayate came to help Shamal and the two got me down. "No! Listen to me…" I tried to say more but my head was hotter and my breath was becoming shorter and faster. "Ha… ya… te…"

"She has a fever. Hayate, keep her down, I'll put some medicine in her." She pulled a syringe and I closed my eyes.

I didn't feel anything. My head hurt more than anything. But I didn't stop myself.

"You don't under…. stand…" I tried to pull my mind, but it ached more and more. "I need her… I need Fate…"

And I fainted again.

When I woke up the second time, there was only Signum and Shamal. They were talking low so I could only see their lips move and hear nothing. I growled when I sat down, earning a running Shamal at me.

"Nanoha. How are you feeling?"

It took a moment for me to find my voice. "I'm… better… How long was I asleep?"

Shamal glanced at Signum. "Two days. Your fever went down and you finally look like you slept well."

"I see…" Fate… When I get out of here, I'm going to search for you. Even if it takes me to do every planet of every dimension. "When do I get out?"

Shamal frowned at me. "So you would not take care of yourself? Not anytime soon."

I growled inside. "Then I'll just walk away." I got up but when I felt my balance off, I sat back.

"You're not enough strong yet-"

"I need to get out of here." Was my reply.

She sighed again. "Signum. Please."

I turned my head to the pink haired woman. "I'm tracking down Testarossa. In a couple of days, I will have the exact position." She paused as I felt tears fall. "When you will feel better, I'll come get you. Now, rest and follow Shamal's order."

Signum nodded to me and walked away. For me, I was speechless. I can search for Fate… I will find Fate… I giggled at me and turned my eyes to my blond friend.

"Thank you Shamal. For now, I'll follow any orders." I smiled at her as I felt a ping of tiredness come on me.

She was a little surprise, as if she didn't think it would be that easy to put me down. "You would do anything for Fate, right?"

My eyes fall down and I nodded. "If I could have realised that before, nothing of this would have happened and everyone would be happy… I guess I was just selfish and mean…"

Shamal took my hands in her. "You were younger, still with an innocent mind. I wouldn't say that nothing was your fault." I cringed. "But there is Fate fault too. She could have talked it out instead of running away. Hayate too and I think everyone has their part in this."

I smiled and yawned. "Oh, sorry… I guess I'll sleep a little more then." I scratched the back of my head a little in embarrassment.

"Do this. We'll talk later." She smiled motherly and went away.

When she closed the door, I let myself fall on the bed. I was indeed tired, but my mind wasn't in peace. I had a new resolution. I needed to find Fate. I couldn't live without her. If it wasn't of Vivio or my mother, I would have never survived those two years.

I'll find you Fate. I'll bring you back. I don't care what it costs. I'll bring back your old self. The caring, gentle and beautiful Fate-chan. We miss you. I miss you. I…

I found myself asleep, a smile printed on my face.

The day of truth had finally come.

I stood in front of the building of our division, already set up. In front of me were Signum and Hayate. They were talking about trivial stuff. At least for me. I was completely concentred on my personal mission. Vivio had come to see me off with a wide but concerned smiled. She would stay at Hayate's for the time I went away.

I smiled at her and kneeled to match her size. "Vivio. Mama will bring Fate back. I'm sure you will like her right away. She's sweet, just like you." I put my hand on her cheek. "Be a good girl for me please. Don't put yourself into trouble."

She pouted but smiled. "I'm not a little kid anymore. It's mama that is always in trouble. Not me."

I was a little surprised and I reached to hug her. "Oh Vivio. Mama is really proud of her little girl. Now, take care dear." I put her down and got up.

She smiled widely at me. "You too mama. I love you."

Tears formed into my eyes. "I love you too." I turned around to face Hayate. "Take good care of Vivio and yourself."

She shook her hand. "I know, I know. You too. And be sure to bring her back. Even by force." She grinned. "Full strike power Nanoha. The white devil is back on track."

I followed suit. "Of course! I'm getting her back. She listens or I shot."

Hayate flinched noticeably and I laughed. "You seemed to have regain some life Nanoha-chan. It's good to see you like this."

"It's because I'll bring her back and I'm not giving up." I frowned.

Signum approached us. "We should go. Everything's ready." She turned to her master. "Take care of yourself." And she went to the teleportation platform.

"See you later Hayate-chan." I followed Signum and I waved at them a last time.

I'll get back Fate. In one way or another.

A/N

It was sad, but less the ones before. Maybe I'll make a happy ending? Or maybe not?

I'm such an evil mind.

Well, after much thinking, I'll maybe make this in a sort of short fiction and not a one-shot as my first plan.

What do you say? Next a last chapter? Or I make a couple of more with a suspense?

Oh~ I've got so many ideas from that… Well then! See you all soon!

PS again, I'm terribly sorry for the one who waits for my other fiction… I'm working on them and plan to put it before the end of the month!