A/N: hello again dearest reader, you may ask my I am uploading two nights in a row. Well, my friends, I clearly am without a social life. I hope you love me for this. I don't even know what is going to happen next, I am improvising. It's like being on a rollercoaster in the dark. Except I'm not made from metal. And I don't carry people. And I'm nothing like a rollercoaster. Unless you count emotions. Because then I'm definitely a rollercoaster to the highest degree. *whispers* im sorry, please keep reading, I have nothing left to do in life.

Warnings: SMUT? MAYBE? I DON'T KNOW LIKE I SAID I AM IMPROVISING. IT IS LIKE BEING IN DRAMA. OK BYE. Also swearing. Also mentions of self harm. Lets just say we're delving into Phil's background. FINALLY IK

(Phil's POV) ~le diary entry~

21/8/13

Dan and I have been inseparable since the first time we hung out around 7 weeks ago. So specific, I know. I see him around 3 times a week, every week. I'm out of my shell when I'm around him. Like I'm floating on a cloud. Really, Phil? Anyway, I think I really like him. REALLY like him. Just something about how his deep, dark eyes light up when he laughs, or the way his dimples carve into his cheeks when he flashes his brilliant smile. I guess what I'm trying to tell myself is that I love him. I'd probably as far as saying he is my best friend. My only friend. Who would of guessed that a few months ago, Dan Howell would be so important to shy, lame Phil? I wouldn't in a million years. I feel like I've known him for much longer than I have. Is it possible to be so emotionally attached to someone I've known for so little time? But I guess that's just me. I'm broken and I want to be fixed. I don't open up easily because of the cutting, but when I get to know somebody I get so attached that I breakdown when they leave. I don't want Dan to leave me like everyone else. He means too much. We are literally the same person in two bodies, I've never met anyone I have so much in common with. I see him everyday at school, we spend all of the free time we have together, whether it be lunch time or free lessons. We will always be found together. Joking or talking about something everyone else would think was pathetic and childish, but so relevant to Dan and I. That's why I love him, everything he says is so, Dan. Dan being the definition of perfect. I know I shouldn't think if my close friend this way, but I just can't help myself. I feel guilty, but I just have nothing left to be passionate about.

~end of diary entry~

I slammed my diary shut, forgetting momentarily that it was 2 am, on a Thursday. I heard stirring down the hall and mentally cursed myself. 'If you've woken them up, I don't blame them for beating you' I told myself. I slipped under my bed sheets hoping to feel my eyes droop and to be swept away into a pit of unconsciousness. But all I felt was my eyes open wider, making me more alert. I changed my position so that my head was face down in my pillows, arms below the comforter. I felt a sharp scratch on my forearm as I placed them under. Shit. It was my razor.

You don't need this.

You're better than this.

Oh, is that what you really think, Philip? You think you're better than this silly little charade you perpetually keep up? I think we both know you're nothing better than scar tissue. Ugly and useless.

I clasp the lifeless, cold piece of metal in my hands, and roll up my pyjama top. And well, the rest is history. Just other scars to my ever expanding collection.

(Dan's POV)

I rolled around in my bed, the blankets clung to me forming a tight, suffocating clasp which made me sigh out in frustration. I was wide awake. Again. Why, you ask? Well, that would be due to Phil. I just couldn't rid my thoughts of him. I didn't even know if I'd /want/ to do that. I needed to see him, talk to him, feel his presence. He was the only reason I felt fulfilled again. He is there for me when nobody is. His shyness is history to me now. Now he is just /Phil/. Lovely, innocent Philip. Not to mention the fact he is insanely attractive- BUT THAT SHOULDN'T MATTER BECAUSE YOU ARE

friends. Feelings aside, I truly believe Phil was /meant/ to be my best friend.

I got up from my bed, tripping over all of the shit I had on my floor.

SHIT- FUCK- OW.

I had flashbacks to the first time Phil and I hung out, he'd pushed me to the floor and took the stupid mistake of "helping me up". I pulled him down next to me, where we sat staring at each others mouths for a few moments. Leaning closer, lips slightly parted. Until I cleared my throat and RUINED EVERYTHING. Maybe it was for the best that we didn't, I mean, I just wanted a friend. Not a fuck. I could have the latter at any moment if I wanted it.

I reached my feet once more and walked to my wardrobe and pulled on the closest outfit. Making sure I looked okay before I left.

I was going to see Phil. I knew where he lived, I'd been round a few times. I hoped he wasn't asleep, although he probably was. The time was 2:39 am. The likelihood of him sleeping was large. I walked in silence, relaxing in the cool night air, unwinding my mind. I looked up at the barely visible stars, light pollution drowning out each special glimmer millions of miles away. Space is confusing when you think about it, it is larger than words can express. It is an infinite pool of darkness, ever expanding into more darkness and constellations. I arrived at his home, it too was just as dark as the night sky. I grabbed a hand full of pebbles and walked round the back of the house, proceeding to throw them at Phil's window. It was kinda romantic if you thought about it.

(Phil's POV)

I was back under my bed sheets, they were vast and cold. Extremely unwelcoming. My wrist was still bleeding, wrapped in a secure bandage. Ironic when you think about it, we cover, clean and tend to wounds we purposely inflict on ourselves. Self harm is confusing, whether you've been through it or not. I heard sharp hits on my window, I got up to see what was going on to see Dan in my backyard, smiling timidly up at me. I pulled the rusty old latch on my window and whispered "Dan? What are you doing? It's like 3 am!"

"I'm lonely and I can't sleep" Dan pouted up at me. How could I resist him. I gestured for him to scale the wall into my bedroom. It wasn't as hard as I made it sound, we had a large flower ladder up the side of the house. Dan fell into my room with the grace of an elephant, hopefully not waking my parents. If you can call them parents.

"Where you asleep?" Dan whispered, looking slightly guilty.

"No, I couldn't. I was too busy thinking" I shouldn't have said that. I should NOT have said that. ((Hagrid quote, anybody?))

I went to sit back on my bed, gesturing for Dan to as well. He took off his shoes and coat, strange, I guess he didn't want to get my bed mucky.

"Funny thing, I was too. What were you thinking 'bout?" Dan asked, facial expression totally neutral.

"Just stuff." I mumbled and yawned, starting to get tired. THANK YOU BODY, NOW YOU DECIDE SLEEP IS IN ORDER.

"You seem pretty tired, want me to leave?" Dan inquisited.

"No, stay. I mean if you want?" I felt myself blush. Thank god it was pitch black in here.

"Sure, just promise me you won't have any wild dreams about me," Dan winked at me, I was hardcore blushing now. I could feel it searing through my cheeks.

"Daaaaan!" I whined, he always loved to embarrass me. Taking my shy nature for granted.

"Calm down, I was joking. Now cuddle me." Dan demanded, still smiling but with a stern expression.

"What?" I was unsure if I'd heard right, had he just asked for /cuddles/?

"You heard me, Phil." His voice was low as he pulled me down on the bed, curled into his side.

My eyes fell closed, arms wrapped around his waist and vice versa. My head pressed to his chest so I could hear his heart beat, it was like his own lullaby. Individual to him only. He stroked my hair absent mindedly, sending shivers down my spine and making me shake slightly.

"What's up? Are you cold?" He murmured into my ear, his warm breath ghosting on it. What was I supposed to say? 'No, you stroking my hair is making me jelly to your touch'? I simply nodded my head, hoping it would cover what I was really thinking. He pulled my duvet over us both, wrapping us up perfectly. We stayed in silence for the rest of the night, gradually falling into a deep sleep.

The sun beamed through a small crack in the curtains, making me stir and wiggle a tiny bit. I looked down, being met with Dan's gaze. His eyes were tired and bleary, but so very beautiful.

"Morning" I whispered, a smile ghosting across my lips. His grip was still tight around my waist.

"Ugh God what is the time. Jesus, Phil, it's probably like 7am." He murmured back, his voice husky and deep from sleep. I leaned across to my nightstand to read the clock, it was 12. 12pm. SHIT. We had school.

"Uh, Dan, it's midday." I searched his face for any sign of panic, only to see him shrug his shoulders.

"I guess we're not going to school today then," he remarked, laughing at the end of his sentence.

"We should probably get up, we can stay here today, if you want?" I asked knowing fine well that there was no way we were going to leave my house today.

"Yeah uh- okay. Phil I don't mean to make this awkward but, I have uhhh- 'morning problems'". I furrowed my brow, what was- ohhhh. Oh. Awkward. I just looked at him for a little while, trying to find the right words.

"Uh- well that's easily fixed, if you want it to be?" I suggested, so unsure of my words I didn't even think properly before they escaped my lips.

"Phil, really? I mean, we don't have to... If you don't want to?" He was blushing as he stuttered out his words, he almost looked excited. Did he want this? Did he want me?

((STOP READING IF UR NOT DOWN FOR SMUT. It's probably pretty irrelevant but what is a chaptered story without gay sexy times, I ask you that.))

"No, I want to." I said, looking into his eyes not breaking contact. They were filled with what I can only imagine to be- lust?

I reached down under the duvet, running my hand down his tanned stomach, stopping at the waistband of his jeans. I looked to him for permission, to which he nodded. I fiddled with the belt, until I heard a familiar metallic clink. I teased him once more by running my finger tips gently over the top of his clothed bulge. Impressive, I noted. His breath hitched, as he watched me. Mouth ajar, eyes glassy. I palmed him through his boxers, earning quiet whimpers from Dan.

"P-please, just touch me, Phil." He begged desperately. Did he want this that much?

I dipped my finger tips under the waistband of his boxers, pulling them down along with his jeans, and discarding them on the floor. I wrapped my hand around his member and squeezed, a moan escaping Dan. I had to admit, this was getting me hard. I stroked up and down, changing my grip, rubbing his slit relentlessly. Dan had been reduced to a panting, writhing mess in minutes. I was suddenly glad it was a weekday, my parents were at work.

I reached over to his face and whispered "Tell me when you're close" into his ear. Continuing my movements, until he managed to stutter "Phil- uh" cutting himself off with a throaty moan which made blood rush to my growing erection. I rubbed his slit again and murmured "Go ahead" back, which sent him over the edge. Spurting cum all over my hand. I stroked him through his orgasm, watching his face. He was sporting a look of pure bliss. Oh God was that hot.

I brought my hand back up, reaching for a tissue before being interupted by Dan tugging my cum covered hand back. I turned to face him, looking what I can only imagine to be confused, before he gestured to my hand, then to my mouth. This was probably crossing so many boundaries, but I couldn't give a flying fuck. I lifted my hand upto my mouth, still making eye contact, and licked all of Dan's seed from my hand. He tasted pretty fucking good.

"Kink?" I asked, to which I got a nod in reply. "Uh, Dan. I've got a problem too." I pulled the duvet down to uncover my bulge. He smirked and lowered himself down.

Well, that afternoon was pretty fucking eventful.

A/N: ha I can't write smut dnt judge me 0-o

TO THE READER WHO SUGGESTED SHY PHIL AND GHETTO DAN SEX, YOU MADE MY DAY. YOU HAVE INSPIRED ME TO WRITE THAT EXACT SCENE IN A LATER CHAPTER. I THANK YOU KIND SIR.