Disclaimer: See prologue
FINALLY! I'm finally finished with this chapter… I had a mild case of writer's block, so if you're all wondering why it took me so long to update this fic, that's the reason. There's not much I have to say, so I won't keep you, get reading!
SHATTERED: Chapter 4
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Four days had past since the incident during the synchronisation test. Misato and Ritsuko stood in the operations room, on the balcony overlooking the Magi super computer. Silence had reigned between them since Misato had arrived to accompany her friend five minutes ago. Misato finally spoke, her eyes still directed forward.
"Any news on the pilots Ritsu?"
Ritsuko sighed before she spoke. "Asuka's still in a catatonic state… Response to stimuli is minimal to say the least. As for Shinji, he didn't show up for his psychological evaluation yesterday, but I think it's pretty safe to say he's depressed about the whole situation." She remained silent for a moment then added softly: "I won't give him any grief for not showing up."
Misato turned to her friend after she finished, silently wondering if she had purposefully left out the comatose blue haired girl. "And… what about Rei?"
Ritsuko sighed again, this time in an almost exasperated fashion. "Rei's still asleep."
Misato's eyes narrowed slightly at her co-worker's comment. "Are you alright Ritsu?" She said, her head tilting to the side slightly.
"Ugh… how is it everyone's so concerned for that li-" She interrupted herself quickly, taking a deep breath.
Misato's face quickly changed from one of care for her friend to shock. 'Did I just hear that right?' Before she could say anything, however, Ritsuko continued.
"It's all I hear these days, from the commander, from Shinji, and now even you." She finished, her eyes trained on the cavernous space of the operations room before her, arms crossed on the railing.
Misato stayed silent for a while, awestruck at her friend's outburst. Never had she witnessed her old friend lose her calm like that. Again, the blonde women denied her to speak.
"Don't you see Misato? She's got everyone wrapped around her little finger. How come the commander is more worried about HER than about ME?" She said, not caring that she had openly spoken out her need for acknowledgement and care from the older Ikari.
"And Shinji, he's just like his father…" A slight grin formed on her lips. "He'd probably die hearing that…" Immediately the grin fell away as she continued. "…but it's true. Like his father, he's entrapped by that girl." As she finished she cast a glance at the Magi below her, wondering if she should follow the faith of her mother.
"What happened to you Ritsu? What are you saying? Are you listening to what you're actually saying?" Misato retorted, disbelief showing upon her face. "How… how is anything of this Rei's fault? She's just a girl Ritsuko!"
"Oh shut up Misato, you don't know the half of it! Don't you dare lecture me." She cast one final glance downwards. 'No, I am not weak like mother…' With that Ritsuko turned around and quite nearly stormed off away from the bridge.
As prior to the conversation, right after Misato had approached Ritsuko, silence once again found the room. Misato was alone, at a loss for words, and thoughts.
She stood still since her school time friend had run off, baffled by what just transpired. As the shock of her friend's outburst seeped out of her body and mind, straight thought found her once again.
'My god, everyone's going insane… Shinji was right… it's all gone sour.' Misato sighed as she took Ritsuko's former position at the railing. 'Kaji, what should I do? You handed me the truth, but what can I do?' A lump in her throat formed as she thought about her deceased lover. 'I want to know the truth, but what can one person do… look what happened to you…' A tear made it's way down her cheek as his image popped up before her mind's eye. 'Kaji… I should've told you…'
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Fuyutsuki stood besides Gendou in the cavernous office, staring at the Tree of Sephirotica embedded in the marble tiles of the floor as the commander studied the latest security memo.
"It seems Rei has become a burden to us." Gendou spoke, taking a moment to rub his bearded chin as he did so. "If she cannot perform her tasks, she is of no use to us." Finished, he placed his hands, fingers intertwined, just under his nose as he always did.
His attention drawn away from the floor, Fuyutsuki turned towards his onetime student. "What do you plan to do Ikari, I've already voiced my opinion on the matter of replacing her, it's too dangerous."
"We will not have to replace her at this moment, when the next Angel arrives the problem will resolve itself." Gendou said, not moving from his typical position behind his desk.
Gendou's statement did not come as a surprise, however the old man felt morally compelled to speak his next words anyway. "You're willing to sacrifice her? It seems unfair to have such a task lean on her shoulders for our goals." Honestly, he did not believe his words to find a compassionate ear.
"Rei has been, and always will be, a means to our own ends. This goes for all the pilots, you know this sensei." The bespectacled man spoke from behind his hands.
The grey haired man closed his eyes as he lost himself in thought for a moment. 'Yui, is this what you truly wanted for your son? You strived to make a better world for your child, yet now the very man you loved means nothing but pain for him. After 11 years, doubt finally catches up with me…' He opened his eyes again and looked to the commander at his side.
"Is it fair to put these children through all this pain? What of your son Ikari, will he hold if he loses everything he's fought for?"
"Everyone goes through pains throughout their lives. We have to look at the bigger picture, instrumentality will rid us all of pain once the scenario unfolds." Gendou's voice was determined as ever, a small smirk sat upon his face.
"Hmm…"
The smirk dropped for a moment. "Have you lost your trust in me, sensei? I hope you don't have doubts about our plans, we have made such progress as of late."
"Do as you will… you have the strings in hand."
"Good, then now the matter of the fifth, it seems SEELE has betrayed us. They think us to be ignorant, that we do not know of his true identity." Determination once again found the bearded man's voice, as did the smirk find it's way back on his lips.
"What do you think should be done about this last Angel then?" The old man spoke, dismissing his prior uncertainty, leaving it to be contemplated at a later moment.
"Hmm… nothing. It is not wise to intervene at this moment, in fact, there is nothing we can do about his presence. The only option is to wait for him to make the first move. As always, all is in the hands of the pilots, we can do nothing but sit this out and pray."
"Do you have confidence in your son, Ikari? Will he take his life once Tabris unveils his true identity to him?"
"My confidence in my son was never lost… he will perform satisfactory, as always."
The arrogance in Gendou's voice could still infuriate Fuyutsuki after all these years, but he did not outwardly show it. "And what of Shinji's friendship with Rei?"
Gendou was not phased in the least, confident as always he said, "When the 11th arrives all will fall into place, sensei."
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Rei found herself in the entryplug, and that same feeling overcame her. The walls seemingly closing in on her, she felt a constricting wave overcoming her heart. She was about to panic when the lights in the plug suddenly shut off.
After considerable time she found herself holding her breath. Finally she let out a gasp and took in a good lungful of breath. The dark of the plug was so all-consuming that she could not see her hand in front of her face. This place terrified her, and finally, unable to hold her silence any longer she whimpered. "…h-help… me… please…" She stared forward, not seeing a thing, and no one near to help her.
She had never before asked for help, but the terror she found in her heart compelled her to speak out. She whimpered again, and then again until finally she broke down and sobbed. "… please help…" She whimpered once again, between sobs. "…Shinji-kun… help me…"
After a few seconds a mild light filled the plug, and to her relief she could see again. "Why are you crying?" A soft and familiar voice spoke. She closed her eyes for a moment, and rubbed the tears from her eyes.
When she opened her eyes again, the plug was no longer there. The scene had shifted to the small garden in the NERV Geofront. She found herself at ease for the first time since this dreadful dream, though tears still stained her cheeks. She closed her eyes again, basking in the warmth that had filled the air up around her.
She couldn't stop herself, the corners of her mouth tugged upwards, as she once again, slowly, cracked her eyes open, she was greeted by the sight of Shinji leaning over her. Much like their encounter in her apartment, when they had just met, Shinji hung over her, on his knees and palms, only this time with a small smile upon his lips.
She was laying on a grassy field, Shinji still hovering over her. Slowly he moved closer until their bodies finally touched in a gentle embrace. Somehow she felt compelled to utter her contentment. "…hmm… Shinji-kun…" She whispered as she nuzzled into his warmth.
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Shinji sat staring forward, dried tears on his face. He was trying to stay hopeful, but his mind wasn't cooperating, so he just continued to stare forward, not allowing any thought to enter his head.
After a few minutes of mindless staring he was ripped out of his depressed, thoughtless state. "…hmm… Shinji-kun…" His head whipped to the side. All he could do was stare at the blue haired girl on the bed, wide-eyed. Though not a big change in attitude for him, his hopes sprang back to life. If he heard what he thought he just heard correctly, Rei was dreaming… about him!
His heart was pounding with abandon as he just kept staring at the girl's serene face. 'If she's dreaming…' He thought, absently adding 'about me'. '…that might mean… she's ok…'
For the first time in the last 4 days his spirits finally lifted, and slowly, unable to stop himself, a smile crept upon his face. But why was she dreaming about him? He blushed as he thought of a few reasons, as well as picturing a few possible 'themes' of her dream. 'Asuka's right… I am a pervert…' He thought for a moment, yet not able to contain his smile, even thinking of comatose girl in the other room.
Perhaps, he thought, everything might not be so bad as he thought. If it was one thing he discovered during the last week, it was that he didn't ever want to lose her again. The despair that had overtaken him was killing him, but now, finally, things seemed to be looking up.
Tears formed in his eyes, but this time they were tears of happiness. He cursed himself quickly though. 'I can't hope for anything… what if she doesn't wake up after all? I'll just hurt myself again. When has hope ever done me any good…?'
Shinji was slightly startled when he heard footsteps approach from behind him. He jerked around and saw Kaworu walk up towards him, a brown paper bag in his hand. In the past few days Kaworu had come by to check on him routinely, trying to get Shinji to eat something.
Although he didn't quite like the grey haired boy's seeming preoccupation with him, he had to admit that he admired his persistence in coming over.
"I thought you might want something to eat, after staying here for so long… so I brought you some sandwiches from the cafeteria." The red eyed boy told him, dropping the paper bag in Shinji's lap.
Shinji sighed softly, not really sure if he wanted to put up with the boy. "I'm not hungry…" A mere second later, his stomach growled it's objection. 'Damn…'
"You're stomach seems to disagree with you Shinji-kun… besides, starving yourself won't bring Ayanami back. Well, unless you're planning on waking her up with your loud stomach…" The boy said with a smile.
Shinji couldn't contain a snicker as he imagined his stomach protesting at several decibels over the pain threshold. 'Damnit, why'd he have to make me laugh… something's so off about that guy…' Shinji thought, quickly trying to hide his smile with a frown.
"You don't have to come here everyday to check up on me you know… I can look after myself."
"You have nothing to prove Shinji… do you think Ayanami would approve your starving yourself over her?" Kaworu said, completely disregarding what Shinji had just said. "You don't have to eat that sandwich for me… if you keep this going you won't live to see her awake."
Shinji grumbled. Though he doubted that he would starve to death anytime soon, he had to agree that Rei probably wouldn't want to see him do this to himself.
Fidgeting with the bag for a moment he finally decided. He opened the bag and grabbed a sandwich, quickly taking two big bites out of it. He caught himself though, he didn't want to look too desperate in front of the grey haired boy. Pushing his hunger aside for a moment, he decided to take it slow, so as to safe his already frail ego from getting too damaged.
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It had been some time since Kaworu had left. They hadn't talked at all after their initial conversation. Shinji was struggling with himself, head in his hands, elbows on the mattress before him. 'How come I feel attracted to him, I don't even like him… maybe… maybe it's because he tries so hard to be my friend, even though I reject him every single time.'
Shinji pressed his fingertips over his shut eyelids. '…I thought… I didn't need friends anymore. I can't even go to school… I can't face Kensuke and Hikari. How can they not hate me after… after I let Toji die by my own hands. They have every right to hate me… and now… I don't have any friends left.' He felt his heart beating in his ears, and an uncomfortable lump in his throat throbbing painfully.
His eyes moist with unshed tears he swallowed hard, trying to get the lump to go away. 'Damnit… He's so weird, but now he seems to be the only one making sense in this shitty place…'
He pressed his fingers harder into his eyes for a moment, an attempt to banish his current train of thought from his mind, and succeeding somewhat at that. He removed his hands from his face and looked at the placid girl's face lying on the bed before him.
Without thinking, he reached out and touched her fingers lightly, relishing the soft feel. 'could I… hold your hand again?' He pressed his eyes shut tightly, forcefully keeping the salty tears inside.
He didn't want to be caught in this thought pattern again, but he couldn't help himself, just like he couldn't help himself at night when the same thoughts rushed in like a tidal wave the moment he closed his eyes. Gently he held the unmoving hand and buried his face in the mattress. He kept his eyes closed, but tears escaped anyway as he sobbed softly into the mattress.
After a while he mumbled softly, head still pressed to the soft mattress, now moist with his tears. "Will you ever tell me… how you felt then, when you held my hand?" He swallowed hard, the lump in his throat gone at last, but the pain in his chest and head still evident. "Will you ever wake to tell me…"
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'Another night to spend alone…' Misato sighed as she sat by herself, at the dinner table, a Yebishu beer in hand. She had to admit to herself she was a little buzzed. Usually the booze would bring a nice relief of the daily stress she was under, but no amount of alcohol seemed to soothe her ruffled feathers this night.
The apartment felt so cold and lonely without the children. Often she had been annoyed by the daily temper tantrums thrown by Asuka, or the overly apologetic Shinji, quietly making his way through the apartment. Now, though, she missed it all too much. Shinji hadn't been home since Rei was hospitalized, and Asuka's condition showed no signs of improvement.
'Poor Shinji… I wish I knew how to approach him, but I don't think anything I could say at this moment would help him any.' She sighed and took another swig of her beer. 'I've never felt more useless.'
She'd tried to get penpen's attention when she got home, but the penguin had blatantly ignored her.
She hadn't been home much in the last few days, work sucking up most of her time and energy. Now that she was home, all she could do was sit around and do nothing, longing to get back to work to forget all her troubles.
She took another swig of her beer, but found it uncharacteristically tasteless, just like the other 5 cans she'd downed already this evening. 'Ritsuko… it seems we've grown apart in the last year. We used to go out and have a drink once in a while, but now she's all business… and what happened this morning…' A chill shot down her spine at the thought of the blonde doctor.
NERV is sucking the life out of us all… I doubt I could name one clearly sane person anymore… even the sub commander seems distraught. And commander Ikari…' She broke herself off immediately. 'Well let's not go into that…' She downed the last of her beer, crushed the can with her hands, and threw it in the corner, next to the other cans, equally crushed.
It was clear to her that Shinji hadn't been home, none of the chores were done. She looked around, finding the trashcan bulging with trash, empty beer cans strewn carelessly across the room, and a kitchen littered with chopstick, instant ramen cups, and utensils everywhere.
'God I hope Rei wakes from her coma soon, at least Shinji will be home a descent amount of time to take care of this place.' She felt guilty instantaneously for being so selfish.
She stood up from her seat, nearly knocking it over when she did. "I need another beer…"
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Fuyutsuki sat alone in his home, a cup of coffee stood before him, but he had not taken a single sip since he had pored himself the cup five minutes ago. So he just sat, silent and still, thinking.
'Yui… have you seen us lately? Do you see us at all? Can you see? What has become of us… in our journey to salvation we have lost all that makes us human… and now I find myself wondering if we've made the right choice.'
He got up from his chair and rubbed his temples for a moment. He took a look at the cup in front of him, its' contents now cold. In a swift move he picked it up and walked to his kitchen, and emptied the cup in the sink. Simply leaving the cup on its' side in the sink, he walked over to the cupboard, and grabbed a bottle of whiskey, and a glass. He pored himself a glass and placed the bottle back in the cupboard, then moved back to sit on his couch.
'I've let my own grief blind me, for you Yui… but I can't do that anymore… I can't find any justification for what we do to survive, to finish the scenario put out for us.' He sighed and took a sip from his glass, savouring the whiskey in his mouth for a moment before swallowing.
'We truly believed we could use these children for our own means… what makes that any different from the cruelties of man in the past that we wish to undo with Instrumentality… we don't deserve any of this.'
'I've let myself get caught up in Gendou's fantastic vision of the future, let myself get caught up in his plans… and my own grief.' He took another careful sip of his drink, then put it down on the coffee table in front of him. 'What happened to that man that wanted to bring justice to the world, that wanted to help people… that wanted to put to justice the men that plotted Second Impact.'
He looked at the glass before him, pondering whether or not to take another sip. Almost hesitantly he moved to grab the glass, once his fingers touched the cold object he decided against it, and sat back on the couch.
He'd often wondered how he could live with himself, with knowledge of the daily cruelties people had to go through because of his organisation, and SEELE. But what was an old man like him to do, if he had tried to go public with his information, he would have surely died.
It was strange how little things could change a man's point of view entirely, and he had experienced it first hand. He had found a universal truth only a couple of weeks ago that had turned his world upside down, and had him pondering ever since.
The object that had instigated all this within him still laid out on his table before him, the corresponding page in which he had found this truth, still lying open. He moved forward again, and grabbed the magazine, like he had done almost every day since that day.
He spotted the very line that had caught his eye that day in an instant, and read it out loud, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. - Edmund Burke"
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It was long past midnight, and Ritsuko still sat in her office. The room was dark, the only thing illuminating the room was her PC screen, displaying the hospital ward Rei lay in, Shinji asleep by her side.
'He truly has no idea who she is. I feel sorry for him, he has no idea how disgusting this relationship he's longing for is. All that because of his father. Even after 11 years he can't let go of is damn wife.' She clicked away the screen after staring at it for a while more. 'To think I spent so much time with him makes me…'
She didn't finish the thought, but she hated herself more than anything. Hated herself for getting caught up in his net, for helping him achieve his sick goals. But most of all, she hated herself for falling for him like her mother did. 'He uses everyone as long as he can, then, when he no longer has a use for them, he discards them… just like mother… and soon he'll discard me as well.'
She sat in silence for a while, simply staring at the desktop her PC screen displayed. Her eyes moved to the picture next to the screen, displaying her, her mother and Gendou. Her eyes shifted to Naoko and stayed there.
'Mother. I'm beginning to understand… why you did that, that night. And to think I fell for him just like you did.' She sighed, head in her hands, elbows on the desk, supporting her. '…like mother, like daughter… both passed over for that… that little wench. Used as a doormat.'
'Even she's more important to him than me… the one he's confided in for that past decade. After all I've gone through for him, after all the pain and humiliation!' She squinted her eyes closed, trying to keep herself from crying over the man she loved, yet loathed so much.
After a while she opened her eyes again, a single tear slipping down her cheek. She wiped it away immediately, giving it no second thought. 'Mother… I'll take away that which is so precious to him… and that son of his.'
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Rei found herself floating through what seemed like a warm body of water. Perhaps it was LCL, she could breathe normally, yet she could feel the distinct feeling of water passing by her, a feeling that managed to soothe her throughout her life. Swimming, one of the only things she had enjoyed until Shinji had stepped foot into her life.
Even though there was no visual indication of her movement, she could feel that she was moving forward. Before her, in the distance, she could see a bright light, not unlike the sun, not as intense, but radiating the same warmth. She had been in this place for a long time, and though she felt she made progress, the light stayed in the distance.
A soft murmuring filled her ears, a distressed tone apparent in the voice, she knew who it was. 'Shinji-kun? Shinji-kun is with me?' She thought, looking around but finding no one. She looked forward again, and absentmindedly noticed that the light seemed to be closing in on her. The voice she'd heard had her interest, and she tried to focus on it as she travelled forwards.
She didn't hear anything now, and the light she thought had come closer now was as far out of reach as before.
"Rei, come back… don't leave me…" Again, that distressed tone. She felt butterflies in her stomach. 'I won't leave, I'm here…' She didn't know where she was, but if she heard his voice, she must've been near to him. 'I'm here…'
Suddenly the light before her came rushing in, a jolt of fear rushing through her as it seemed to close in at an alarming rate. The fear left immediately as she made contact with the light. She was blinded for a moment, and the feeling of floating in water left her.
Her eyes fluttered open, and she found herself lying in a bed. Her eyes left the ceiling and swooped down to the person beside her. "Shinji-kun…" She whispered.
He mumbled again. "Ayanami… don't…" She hadn't much experience with dreams, but he was obviously having a nightmare. Trying to soothe the sleeping boy she softly spoke to him. "I'm here, don't be afraid…" She tried to reach out to him, but found her hand being held tightly by the sleeping boy. She gave the hand a slight squeeze, then untangled hers from his grasp and lightly touched his cheek.
He seemed to calm instantly, and after a while his eyes fluttered open. He sat up straight, her hand dropping back to the bed, her eyes still on his face. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and looked at her. Finding her eyes open, his own eyes doubled in size. Before she could speak, the boy quite nearly threw himself at her.
She didn't quite know what to do with the boy on top of her, but she did know that she enjoyed his joy in seeing her again. 'I was missed… by him.' The corners of her mouth tugged up, a slight smile gracing her face.
She felt her hospital gown moisten with his tears as he sobbed into her shoulder. His voice muffled, he spoke to her. "You're awake… I'm so glad Ayanami… I thought you'd never wake." She hushed him to silence, embracing the boy on top of her. Softly she whispered into his ear, "I'm here…"
'He cries for me again, not tears of sadness, but of joy…' The image of Shinji hovering over her in the entryplug sprung into her mind. '…like he did then…' She tightened her embrace slightly, basking in the warmth the boy emanated.
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Author's notes: Well, that was it… and this time I DEMAND reviews… not crappy ones, but good, wholesome, constructive reviews! Alright, so I'm in no position to demand anything, but who gives! I have stated my need for reviews, so if you would all kindly bow down to my uncompromising will, I would greatly appreciate it.