WARNING! may be triggering to those who have been sexually abused! marked with lines of ******
still dont own star trek, not that creative ^_^
Episode 1-7 What are Little Girls Made of.
Saya was having another argument with McCoy about seeing a psychiatrist. "I WILL NOT! I REFUSE!" She was all but yelling at him.
"Look here little Lady, You have a constant high level of fear and a low level phobia of crowds! You need to do something to remedy it or risk a mental breakdown!" McCoy argued back.
"I DON'T CARE! I've lived with fear my whole life. I remember more fear than anything else in my life and I made it to 22 before now! I will keep making it after now. Hell! I have had a salt vampire aboard, a mentally unstable teen with god like powers, a psychiatrist and crewman that went over the top in ESP power, everyone getting drunk and risk of spiraling into an exploding planet, a second Kirk, a man who sells women, and 2 damn parties! I haven't had a melt down yet! I will be fine! I'm used to the damn fear!" This time Saya did scream it.
"Actually the planet was ripped apart due to…" Spock said entering.
Saya turned on him and glared "I usually appreciate your facts but right now I'm not in the mood!"
McCoy angrily asked for aid "Would you talk sense to her Spock! you seem to be the only one she'll listen to! She refuses to see any of our psychiatrists and won't even consider any type of counseling for her constant fear!"
"I DON'T BLOODY FUCKING NEED IT! I'M FINE SO LEAVE ME ALONE!" Saya yelled.
Spock raised an eyebrow. "The high level of emotions make logic impossible at this time. I advise that you both calm yourselves before we continue." Spock raised both eyebrows as the pair turned to give him death glares.
Spock was about to dismiss himself to find another answer, when he saw Saya take a deep breath and force herself to calm down. "You are right . I apologize for yelling at both you and ." Taking a seat she forced herself to remain still and attempt to remain calm. Spock seeing the strained attempt sat nearby to try and aid the situation. "I understand your concern Doctor, however I am familiar with my constant state of fear. I also did not need it diagnosed to know about it. However you did. Does that not indicate that I have full control of it?"
"But it's not good for you. Spock may be able to repress his emotion and be fine but you are no Vulcan! You can't do it forever! One day it'll be too much and you will break. what will you do then?" McCoy replied.
Saya took another calming breath before answering "Did i not break with the whole alcohol water thing? Was that not what brought it to light? However I picked up the pieces, put myself together and kept going like I have many times before. I will be fine because no matter how depressed, scared and suicidal I get, my will to live outweighs my desire to die."
" What will happen when that is no longer true?" McCoy asked concernedly.
"Then I'll die. However I will not mind. I saw more of life than I wished before I was frozen. I have now seen more of life than I could have dreamed of. However death does not frighten me. That's one of the few things that doesn't." Saya told him.
McCoy couldn't think of anything to say to that. Spock took the opportunity to ask the important question "Why do you refuse to see any kind of counselor?" He was not willing to to let her die so easily.
Saya closed her eyes and sighed before setting her face to neutral and answering "First time I saw a counselor, I wasn't allowed a decent one because of gender concerns. the one I got pressed me so hard that I ended up literally losing all memory of the week… happened to be my … 8 th birthday? i'm pretty sure… the time after that a classmate heard information that she shouldn't have and I got pulled out of class… by a policeman… In 4th grade to find out a matter that had been put to rest and I had hoped to forget and heal from had been dug up and reported to the 'ever so helpful authorities' so i was forced to see another counselor. I then became the gossop of school teachers and moms alike, had to see another…"
Saya paused collecting herself and both men saw the raw anger in her eyes "mhumm humm woman who proceed to blame me for it and tell me I had ruined my little brothers life by having my older brother taken away… I didn't even! I hadn't choose any of it! neither what he did or what was done to deal with it! but I was the one blamed for all of the trouble it caused and I had to see her to 'help me'" the sarcasm was clear enough to both as she said it.
taking another breath she closed her eyes a moment before continuing "Then we wound up in counseling again… I don't even know how that one happened but I was 12 and could at least fight back better." Saya gave a smile as if she wanted to cry "Her name was Noel. She specialized in cases like mine. Specialized in helping children. When I first met her she was the only like her I had ever seen." This time Saya did smile.
"She had a short haircut and a big smile. She hadn't gotten her room yet so we used another counselor's office and when we got there she pulled out a deck of cards and asked if I could play. the whole time she let me play and talk as I felt comfortable with. She did ask questions but when I would say I didn't want to talk about it she would respect that. She was the first adult to actually listen to me besides my mom." Saya pulled her knees up and hugged them.
"the next week when she had gotten her room I was so shocked. floor to ceiling in every available bit of space were toys and art supplies. I didn't know if she would get fired for being a bad councillor cause she had toys and was nice to me and i thought that was bad for a councillor. that day she taught me how to play mancala on her computer… still one of my favorite games. I was sure she wouldn't be there the next week. especially since she let me play on her pc but she was. I don't remember exactly but I think i got to see her 7 times. one time we made a mache mask and I had to paint the outside how I thought others saw me and the inside how I saw myself. My mom still has…"
Saya paused looking stricken and taking a breath continued "Had it till last I knew. after the times I saw her she had so many cases like mine of girls about my age that she put them together for a group session to help more kids. 2 times after that she let us know that she would be leaving the practice to help kids in schools." Saya stared off at the wall for a few moments before continuing in a small voice "I was so jealous of those kids. I felt I needed Noel more but she was leaving. I did get over it and moved on fine. I managed to grow up and go beyond that but I refused any further counseling. I will never consent to see a counselor again for anything."
Saya looked directly at Spock "why do you think I worked so hard to avoid that lady counselor that turned into an overpowered ESPer?" she asked. Spock and McCoy both processed her words in their own way. Saya stayed curled up in her chair looking so much like a child trying to protect herself from a world meant to harm her.
after a few moments Saya took another of her deep emotionally controlling breaths, uncurled, put her feet back on the floor and smiled "So will you please stop harassing me about it. you now know why i refuse and if it helps I really don't want anyone I don't know, knowing my story. it may be 200 plus years old but it's still private and not a subject for gossip." She paused and before McCoy could say anything added "and don't tell me that it won't end up a subject for gossip… I've heard that lie many times before."
McCoy went to his cabinet and got down a bottle of brandy. Pouring a glass for himself he offered it to her but she refused telling him that she didn't drink. McCoy looked at the glass for a few minutes then downed some before speaking "Would you consent to a mind meld with Spock as a form of counseling?"
Spock raised an eyebrow and Saya froze for a moment before looking between the 2 of them a few times thinking about it. as she thought she chuckled. at the weird look from McCoy she explained "over 200 years later and people still think I need counseling." McCoy smiled and Saya answered "As long as nothing after my cryogenic freeze is accessed I think I could allow that. However there are still things I'd rather keep private in my everyday life."
"I would be able to keep from accessing anything more recent." Spock assured her.
"OH! and if I can't quite remember the details… even the week of my 8th birthday… I don't want to know them. If at all possible I'd like to keep the missing spots in my memory missing. I know why they are and don't need to have to relive them." Saya added.
"I will do as you ask." Spock told her.
getting up she got close to the doctor's ears "And though I think you are a good guy and I trust you… If any of this leaks out I will find a way to blackmail you so thoroughly that you won't be willing to speak my name without asking me first." she whispered threateningly.
McCoy grabbed her shoulders and stared at her a few moments. noticing her trembling he hugged her tight and said quietly "sweetheart, risk of hurting you is blackmail enough. I'm sorry to have to bring this up."
Spock walked with her back to her room. at her door he placed a hand on her shoulder "I will arrange a time for the mind meld to take place." He did not let on that he was pulling the edge off her fear, anger, pain and grief. She went into her room feeling better at Spock's words not quite knowing why. that night she managed to sleep despite her recent upset.
In the morning they started the security checks and Saya found out that they had made it to the planet that had sent them a message for help. it had been from some special scientist who was very important. Saya had woken up late but found a note on her computer screen telling her to make it to the bridge after she had breakfast and not worry about being late. smiling she closed the window and turned off the monitor again. she loved how it would turn on and stay on when you got a message to make sure you wouldn't miss it.
She walked into Spock talking about the ship's records on the planet. "It may have been inhabited once, but the sun in this system has been fading steadily for a half million years. Now, Doctor Korby, often called the Pasteur of archaeological medicine. His translation of medical records from the Orion ruins revolutionised our immunisation techniques." Saya remembered reading a book on the guy but hadn't put the name and study together until Krik mentioned it.
Uhura notified the captain that they were not getting any return signal. as Saya came by Uhura gave her hand a gentle squeeze and smiled before returning to her signals. Saya took her seat next to Spock and started going over all the information he had pulled up on the planet and doctor. She listened to the background noise but didn't really pay attention to it.
Chapel reminded them of the last signal telling them about underground caverns. Uhura was reporting that she ran all frequencies a second time but got nothing when the com started up "Enterprise, come in, Enterprise. This is Roger Korby. Repeating, this is Doctor Roger Korby. Do you read me, Enterprise? This is Doctor Roger Korby standing by."
Kirk responded "Enterprise to Korby. We have your coordinates pinpointed. We're preparing to beam down a party. It may interest you that we have aboard this vessel" But Korby interrupted.
"I've a rather unusual request, Captain Kirk. Beam down alone, just yourself. We've made discoveries of such a nature they may require an extraordinary decision from you." Spock pointed out that it was an unusual request and Kirk said it was Korby as if it justified it. Spock asked him if he was sure it was Korby.
Chapel spoke up then "Have you ever been engaged, ? Yes, it's Roger." Saya wondered what happened to seperate the 2 and was distracted by the question of whether Spock had ever been engaged. Kirk informed Korby that he would comply with the exception of it being 2 and Chapel spoke up. Korby accepted it readily and eagerly and Kirk prepared to beam down. As Spock took command Saya noticed the contemplative look. She had thought something seemed off but Spock obviously did as well so she worried less.
Kirk soon communicated to Spock that he wanted 2 security men. Spock asked if there was any problem and Kirk said their was a delay in the meeting but it was probably nothing. Spock did as commanded but Saya could clearly see his dislike for the situation.
more than an hour had passed when Kirk finally checked in but his manner of speech seemed off. Spock noticing it asked if the captain was alright and said he sounded tired. Saya noticed Spock's concern and knew something had to be up.
during the next few hours Spock went about business as usual but Saya could see his mind at work. When they were in one of the corridors doing some maintenance checking Kirk walked by without saying anything or stopping. Saya remembered nothing about Kirk beaming aboard either. Spock called out for the captain and followed him to his quarters. Saya as ever followed Spock.
Spock informed him that the check was finished ahead of schedule and Kirk responded "Doctor Korby has considerable cargo to beam aboard. I'll have to go over our destination schedule with him." as he pulled a thick envelope looking thing from a safe in his room. When Spock asked if he was going back down with the command pack Kirk replied "Mind your own business, . I'm sick of your half-breed interference, do you hear?"
When Spock said "Yes. Very well, Captain." Kirk concerned asked him "You look upset, . Is everything alright up here?" Saya was sure that wasn't captain Kirk and she knew Spock knew it too. He told the captain "No problems here, sir." and Kirk promptly left after letting them know he would beam up with and party.
as soon as Kirk left Saya said quietly "That is not the captain but I think that is a message from the captain."
"I believe you are correct." Spock said as he went to call about the status of the landing party. as soon as he was assured they were standing by he ordered them to meet him in the transporter room after the Captain beamed down. Saya kept pace with Spock easily as he prepared. Suddenly he turned to her and she smiled "You want me to stay in my room." Spock paused a moment before saying "affirmative."
"Well I don't mind, just do us both a favor and come back alive and with the real Captain Kirk." Saya said before walking off to her room. Spock watched her leave for a second before going to the transporter room and briefing the team. Saya once in her room started carving the dilithium crystal she had gotten. it was slow going and she was always quite careful because she didn't know when or if she would get another and didn't want to mess up. she was starting to get the very rough shape of what she wanted when she cut her finger.
placing the tool and crystal down she calmly got up and went to the bathroom. washing it she found a piece of scrap cloth left over from valentine's and used it to wrap around her finger a few times. She debated going to sickbay but finally decided that because Spock had instructed her to stay so she would. However she messaged McCoy asking him to come by her room if he had time to help her.
15 minutes later and some compression she had managed to stop the bleeding when she heard a knock. at her invite McCoy came into the room. Smiling at him she held up her finger "Kinda could use some help. mostly got it to stop bleeding but i'm sure once i remove the fabric it will rip open again."
McCoy examined her finger and demanded "What were you doing to cut yourself this badly?"
"I was just carving the piece of dilithium I got. finger slipped and i got myself. Will have to think of a safer way to do it." Saya said calmly.
"Darn right you will! You could have taken your finger off!" McCoy said as he removed the cloth. Once he got to the bottom layer he warned her "this may hurt a bit."
Saya grinned and ripped the cloth off in one smooth motion without flinching "No worries doc. I have done far worse to myself."
"You are as stubborn and unflinching as that dang hobgoblin!" McCoy muttered as he treated her cut.
"Why thank you Doctor. As for, I'm really not kidding. I have done far worse, this isn't a big deal, just would rather not bleed everywhere."
McCoy glared at her "Well promise me you will be more careful."
Saya grinned and in playful annoyance said "Yeess Daaad." McCoy glared at her playfully then took a seat. "So how are you holding up?"
"You mean with Spock off on something dangerous? Me cutting myself? or are you referring to your constant concern about my counseling?"
"Take your pick." McCoy said with a friendly smile.
Cleaning up the mess Saya sat back down across from him and shrugged "Well Spock does dangerous stuff all the time. Heck I used to drive and that was pretty dangerous. frankly eating could be so I don't really worry as long as people aren't taking undue risks… Spock I don't believe could take unnecessary risks. my finger…" Saya flexed it and smiled "meh, it's fine. nice to not have a bandage or stitches and pretty much be able to go back to what i was doing… though I will try to come up with a safer way to carve."
She paused before adding "As for counseling, Spock said he would schedule something but it will likely be later this week." McCoy smiled and told her he would check up on her but if she needed anything, even an ear, he was there for her. With a teasing smile she said "Yes dad. gah, so overly caring." McCoy ruffled her hair and left and Saya smiled to herself about having someone semi fatherly. She didn't really count on it but then she had learned to expect the rug to get pulled out from under her at all times.
Spock came to her room soon after and Saya got up and invited him in, asked him to wait a moment as she fixed her hair. Spock noticed the few smudges of blood on the dilithium crystal and the drop almost hidden by her computer. As they walked back to the bridge he asked "Did you get injured?"
"Huh? oh, yeah, I guess. I just cut myself carving the dilithium." Saya said with a shrug and a smile. Back on the bridge they saw Chapel there thanking Kirk for letting her make the decision.
Kirk informed Spock "She's staying with the ship. Something bothering you, ?"
Spock approaching the captain said "Frankly, I was rather dismayed by your use of the term half-breed, Captain. You must admit it is an unsophisticated expression."
Kirk looked at Spock a moment before replying "I'll remember that , the next time I find myself in a similar situation." Saya could see the play of a smile on Kirk and Spock's customary lip twitch. She worked on finishing her reading for the day as they left for their next exciting destination.
That evening after dinner Spock suggested they work on her fears. "You know, it really is ok. I handle my fear well." Saya told him.
"Your usual level of fear is a secondary concern to your mild phobia of crowds. We will tackle that first then see if we are capable of lowering your standard level of fear." Spock told her.
Saya sighed "Can we at least not do it in sickbay. Don't really want people staring at me."
"I can have come by my room and we can do it there." Spock informed her. Saya agreed and a hour later she was sitting cross legged in one of Spock's chairs with Spock across from her and McCoy nearby. Spock put his fingers on her face and said "My mind to your mind, My thoughts to your thoughts."
Soon he was looking through her memories to find the root of her fear of crowds. Though he found many instances where she started to panic or bolted from being in a crowd he failed to find a set reason for it. Saya figured out what he was looking for and informed him 'I greatly distrust and fear people. Crowds are lots of people and harder for me to be able to protect myself. It's just like being afraid of rodents and going to the rodent section of a pet store. Overload on a pre existing issue.'
'Then we need to deal with your distrust and fear of people.' Spock told her.
***************WARNING**********************
Saya mentally gave a bitter laugh. 'That, my friend, won't happen.' She started pulling memories of being harmed by her 3 brothers, her father, people she had interacted with regularly that were supposed to protect her and the abuse she went through in school. Spock sorted the information with growing realization of how breakable she was.
Spock guided her consciousness to a happy memory of her and her mother and went deeper into the darker parts of her mind. The repressed memories resisted being seen but he was able to look through them and put them back under their seal of repression. He found out about her older brother molesting her, her oldest and younger brother blaming her for it, her father's sexualizing of her as a child. He found the point where the councillor pushed her too hard and she blocked memories of the week.
He saw as she had adults she was supposed to trust that piled the blame on her and turned on her when things went wrong. He saw the time when one of her babysitters grandkids tried to drown her in a pool. He watched as she got married and her husband mistreated and devalued her. When her husband tore her down and killed her dog she finally left him. he found that at that point the literal only person she trusted at all was her mother and even then with all the abandonment she had gone through she worried about her mother abandoning her as well.
********************end warning*************
He understood quickly why she had developed an inability to trust humans. He started deconstructing her blind distrust for all humans, using the details of how much humans had changed in 200 years. He added the fact that though she was a strange member of the crew, she still was a member of the crew and the crew protected their own. He pointed out that Starships were like a family and the Captain was like the ultimate mother or father who would even kill to protect members of the family if necessary.
He showed her his perspective, from being an alien from a world that naturally distrusts humanity at first encounter because of their reliance on emotions. He showed her how the humans were embraced by Vulcans despite their emotional behaviors. He went through the time he spent in starfleet academy as well as his time aboard every ship showing her how Humans had earned trust.
Spock calculated that he had achieved enough for the day so he started to break the mindmeld. Once out of their joined mind he broke the physical contact and both felt a sense of loss. Saya blinked a few times and grinned. "That wasn't so bad. I only remember reliving a memory with my mom and what you showed me." Closing her eyes again she pushed back the light headache that she had before adding "Though i do have a small headache."
Spock had the softest look in his eyes Saya had ever seen, but quickly reverted back to his normal neutral manner. "This will be temporary for now. We will need to continue this every 3 days until it becomes permanent." He informed her and McCoy. "We will do it an hour before bed." At their agreement Saya and McCoy left going to their respective rooms. Saya went to bed herself with a brighter outlook for her life.
3 days later an hour before bed Spock met Saya and McCoy in his room. Again doing the mind meld he reinforced what he had done the last time. Saya had shown great improvement with her interactions with the others after their first session and she also seemed unbothered when many people would be around her. She wasn't a social butterfly but she also wasn't giving off an aura of 'leave me alone'.
*END*