Seven stages - Anger
AN: I said this was mainly going to be Emily's story but this is from Naomi's pov. We've done shock and disbelief, as the title suggests this is mainly about anger.
It's taking a bit longer than anticipated and I will get back to my other stories afterwards.
I know it's not the easiest topic so I really appreciate all those who have read, alerted and reviewed. I'll do my best to respond to all reviews as quickly as I can.
You watch as she falls into your lap, her tears instantly soak into the sheets. For a brief moment she tried to fight it, you could see the determination in her eyes, but then she buckled.
You look up and smile at Effy. "Thank you."
She smiles back and nods as she walks away. There's a finality to her body language, you've been dipping in and out of sleep over the past few days so haven't really spoken to her properly about what she's going to do. There is a steeliness about her that suggests she's done the right thing, given up that slimy bastard of a boss and admitted she's screwed up.
You stroke Emily's hair, enjoying the familiarity of it all, the simple fact she's here instantly makes everything better, in fact you can't remember why you didn't want her to come.
She looks up at you with teary eyes and then you remember, that's why, because you don't want to see her in so much pain and you definitely don't want to be the one responsible.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She asks.
You gently stroke her cheek, "You know why."
She shifts, stands up and you feel her go into combat mode, "I said, why didn't you tell me? Don't bat it back Naomi, it's fucking irritating."
"What would you have done?" You ask.
She glares at you, "Er, come straight home, been here to support you, not been half way across the world as my girlfriend had to deal with this shit."
She spits out the words and you hide a smile, it'll only irritate her more if you tell her how adorable she looks.
"Which is why I didn't tell you. You worked your tits off to get that internship, it's not fair for me to make you give it up." You reply.
"For fuck's sake Naomi, it's not like you've got a cold. You weren't asking me to come home because you need a bit of TLC or some fucking soup, you've got..."
She pauses and you see her struggling.
"Cancer." You finish the sentence for her.
Her shoulders sag and she starts to cry again, "I just don't understand how you could keep something like this from me."
You hold out your arms and she falls into your embrace. "At first, I thought there was no point in worrying you, it'd all be over soon, I'd get treated and there was no need for you to think you had to come back."
She sniffs, "So what? I'd find out at some point in the future? Maybe you could use it in your stand up routines. Funny thing happened to me the other day..."
"Actually, I did use it in my last routine, people didn't seem that comfortable..."
She stares at you coldly, "So half of London knew before I did then?"
You look sheepish, "the audience wasn't that big..."
"You fucking cunt Naomi. All this time, and all you can do is joke about it. Ha fucking ha, I have cancer. Were you ever going to tell me? Or was it always Effy who was going to make the call?" She spits as she rises again.
You glance away, immediately regretting the fact she knows.
"Seriously? Oh Christ, you're shitting me? Don't you think I deserved to know? You're my girlfriend, I love you, we're supposed to be in things together. Is that how little I mean to you?" She rails.
"It's because you mean everything to me!"
The strain of screaming causes you to gag, Emily looks in horror as vomit spews from your mouth, there's blood in it this time, a new devlopment. Emily's hand flies to her mouth and you realise this is the first time she's seen you like this. Possibly the first time she understands this is real.
The shock on her face is exactly why you wanted to spare her this. Why you didn't want her to see you crumble.
You were both pretending everything was normal, the usual stubbornness leading to a fight, you'd shout at each other before storming away to cool off. Once you'd both calmed down, you'd sheepishly find each other, a mumbled apology would follow, an olive branch that started with a kiss and inevitably lead to phenomenal make up sex.
Suddenly she's holding you, "Sorry... Sorry... Sorry..."
Eventually you pull apart, you give her a weak smile, "you're sitting in my puke."
She strokes your cheek, "Wouldn't be the first time..."
"Probably the last though..." As soon as the words escape you realise how insensitive they sound.
"THIS ISN'T FUCKING FUNNY NAOMI!"
"I know."
"This has been sprung on me, you've had time to get used to it." Emily shouts.
"I'm not used to it, none of it. You think I'm ok? I have to leave you. You think this is something I chose? I promised you I'd never hurt you again, how do you think that makes me feel? Knowing that I can't keep that promise? In fact I'm going to break it in the cruelest way possible." You say quietly as tears sting your eyes.
You see her anger diminish, but the fact it's replaced by despair isn't any better, "there must be something else? A second opinion? I researched it on the flight over, there are a lot more treatments these days, things they can do..."
You shake your head sadly, "there isn't anything baby, don't you think I've asked?"
"Alright, but what if you had some more chemo? That'd at least give us some more time together wouldn't it?" The desperate edge to her voice makes you wish the answer was different.
"Emily, the chemo nearly killed me. It's horrible, the pain is so intense and it makes you so sick the cancer is almost preferable. You don't realise how awful it is." You say gently.
The determined stare is back, "I wouldn't would I? I wasn't here when you went through it."
"Em, I didn't want people to see me like this, I feel ugly and disgusting." You explain.
She stops and smiles, "You're beautiful"
"And you're still a shit liar." You quip.
"Naoms, you always were and always will be the most beautiful woman in the world to me, I've known that since I was 11." she replies.
Suddenly she stares at you and you know the next question.
"What do you mean you don't want people to see you like this?" Emily asks.
You refuse to make eye contact.
"Naomi, please tell me you've told Gina." She pushes.
"She's busy saving Orang-utans in Borneo." You mumble.
"Naomi! She's your fucking mother. She'd be here in a heart beat if she knew." Emily chastises.
"I don't know how to tell anyone. I mean how do you even start that conversation? Hi Mum, how's the jungle? Oh by the way is there any chance you can pop back home? The reason? I'll be dead soon, best visit me while you can." Even you can hear the bitterness in your voice.
"Do you want me to do it?" she asks nonchalantly as she strips the sheet.
You know it's partly a distraction, by offering to phone your Mum she doesn't have to acknowledge what you've just said, face the truth that you're dying. And that's exactly why you love her so much, why you've always loved her, because she's ying to your yang and has always been fearless when it comes to you.
You nod, "I know it makes me a coward."
Emily shakes her head, "You're one of the bravest people I've ever met."
You smile, "that's not what you used to say."
"I won't be long. I'll get someone to change the bedding as well." She states.
You lie back on the mattress, you feel tired, a nurse comes into the room and remakes the bed. Outside you hear strains of a tearful conversation, you know it's one you should be having, but you're not sure you have the energy.
You smile wearily as she renters the room, her eyes are red from the freshly spilt tears, "She's coming back as soon as she can. Probably the day after tomorrow."
"Christmas Day." Your voice sounds like a small child's.
Emily climbs back on to the bed next to you and curls into your side, "is it ok to kiss you?"
"I thought you'd never ask." You respond as your lips connect with hers.
At that moment nothing else matters, everything is as it should be, you and Emily forever, it's not important how long that is.
"I'm glad you're here." You say quietly.
She softly strokes your cheek and smiles sadly, "there's nowhere else I'd rather be."