Seven stages: guilt
A/N: Hi, this is another chapter from Naomi's pov.
I know it was supposed to be short but it is only another few chapters.
I hope you like it, even if the topic isn't that great. :)
You wake as the light shines through the window. You should be excited, it's your wedding day, but you have the jitters. Maybe it's just normal nerves, the same thing everyone goes through when they worry about making such a massive commitment, let's face it you've got more reason than most.
You stare as she sleeps, her head rests on the bed. Katie and your Mum went back to the flat, she insisted on staying. The camera was couriered over and she started taking photos immediately. You reach over to the cabinet and pick it up, it takes all your strength and you wonder how she can carry something like this around all the time. But that's the thing about Emily, she's a lot stronger than she looks.
You flick through the photos, think about deleting the ones you don't like but it's not your place. Lots focus on your eyes, like she wants to capture your soul. Emily will vet them and make sure they're sensitive, you meant what you said, you trust her implicitly. But you also hate the fact that you resent her, for looking at you through a lens, like it is a project, even if it is your idea. You want her to look you in the eye and be normal, feel like you're all that matters.
For a second you feel guilty, you emotionally blackmailed her, told her that you wanted her to stay, it was unfair. You fought so hard to keep this from her only to collapse at the last minute.
You think about the implications of what you've asked. What if she's forced to look at the photos before she's ready? What if she's put under pressure to process them, to put on an exhibition and instead of helping her grieve it makes things worse?
It reminds you of your dog when you were little, you loved him so much and hated the fact he got ill. Gina tried to reason with you, but you fought to keep him alive for as long as possible. Then you looked at the photos after he was gone, realised how sick and frail he was, how you should have let go sooner. You hope Emily lets you go when the time comes. You're not as worried about your Mum, it won't be easy for her but she's more stoic than Emily, not as stubborn.
You place the camera back and smile, she's still sleeping and is oblivious. She looks so peaceful. You love her so much and think again whether you should release her from this ordeal. Is it fair to tie her down like this?
You decide to give her one last chance. An opportunity to change her mind, to get out if that's what she wants. You're torn between wanting to set her free and desperately needing her to stay. But this isn't about you, it's about what Emily means to you.
You stroke her hair, she stirs and looks up, "Hey beautiful."
You smile, "It's supposed to be bad luck to see each other on the morning of your wedding."
She blinks and rubs her eyes, "What's the worst that can happen?"
You sigh, "Em..."
She looks at you.
"Are you sure we're doing the right thing?" You state.
She shakes her head, "Please baby, not this again."
"I don't want you to feel obligated..." You continue.
"Naomi Campbell, I've loved you for more than half my life. As soon as I saw you, I knew you were the person I was meant to be with. No one will ever change that, no one can." Her voice breaks.
"But..." You state feebly.
She strokes your cheek, "No obligation, just destiny."
You smile, "So I guess there's a wedding happening today..."
"Too right, I've planned all sorts of shit." Katie brashly interrupts.
Emily rolls her eyes, "We told you to keep it low key."
Katie tuts, "Look fuck off and leave us with the camera. I've got to do Naomi's make up before Gina gets here with her outfit. I need time with her, it's near impossible to make her look good at the best of times let alone when she's all cancer riddled and crap."
You stare, "Cheers Katie, making me feel so special."
"My refreshing honesty is one of the things you love about me dear sister-in-law." She counters.
You stare at Emily, "is annoying family a reason to back out?"
"Sorry hun, you don't get off that lightly." She says with a smile.
You roll your eyes, "so I guess I'll see you at the altar then."
"If you can take some photos that'd be good. See you later baby." She kisses you as she places the camera down, "I love you."
"I love you too." You watch her leave, you're glad she won't let you go without a fight.
"So do you want my help or not?" Katie asks.
You nod.
"Right, what the hell are we going to do with you?" Katie says exasperatedly.
"I thought you were supposed to be the expert?" You challenge.
"Expert, miracle worker, not the same." She replies.
Her phone starts ringing, she stares at the caller id and ignores it.
"So, I've got some good foundation..." She continues as a second bout of ringing happens almost immediately.
This time she answers "Look, I've told you, it's over, stop calling me."
You look at her expectantly.
She shrugs, "nuisance call."
She examines your face, "we'll do your make up and you'll have your dress shortly. You've actually got quite good bone structure."
"Wow a compliment, going soft in your old age Katiekins?" You joke.
"Shhh, if you keep moving it'll smudge." She instructs.
You sit in silence as she goes to work. Katie thinks she's successfully changed the subject, you're about to prove her wrong.
"Who was that? Jeremie?" You ask innocently.
Her hand slips but she recovers, "Yeah, but we split and he won't leave me alone."
"Why did you break up? When we came over to Paris you were loved up and planning all sorts." You ask.
"Things change yeah?" Katie says.
You can't work it out, "Like what?"
"Everything. You think you love someone, you want to be with them but then you just don't. It's too hard and not fair." She responds.
"Jesus, he didn't want to break up with you did he? It was you." You ask.
She shrugs, "Maybe, but what's the point? I can't have children. He says he's fine with that, but we're young and he'll change his mind.
"You don't know that, not for sure." You reason.
She laughs bitterly, "Naomi, believe me, one day it'll be important and I can't be the one who stands in his way. He'll leave me eventually, better to get it over and done with now."
Your eyes narrow, "So fuck today right? Emily and I shouldn't bother to get married?"
"Of course you should." She replies incredulously.
You shrug, "Why? I mean what's the point? I'm dying, we've barely got any time left."
"It's different." She states.
"You're damn fucking right it is. I know how this is going to end, so does Emily. You and Jeremie don't, you potentially have your whole lives ahead of you. Maybe it'll last, maybe not, people split up for all sorts of reasons Katie. So don't force it for something that might happen, a stupid possibility, just enjoy it while it lasts, however long that is." The speech exhausts you.
"We're not like you and Emily." She counters.
"Stupid you mean?" You croak.
"No! Meant to be together."
You give a small laugh, "come back in a few weeks time and see how that's working out for us eh?"
You look away and can feel her staring, she sighs. "Naomi, Emily loves you. All she's ever wanted is to be with you."
Tears spring into your eyes, "That's what she said too but in a few weeks I'll be gone and I'm shit scared she'll forget me. All I'll be is a post script, someone she loved but in the past. And I hate myself for hoping she won't get over me easily, because I want her to be happy, it's all I've ever wanted, but it was supposed to be with me."
Katie hugs you, "It's ok, she won't ever forget..."
You wipe your eyes, embarrassed at the outpouring, "Sorry, but you don't realise how lucky you are. You have time Katie, grab hold of all the happiness you can."
The phone rings again, she answers, "Hi, sorry I've been avoiding you."
"I can't... no... I want to... it's just... I'm in London."
"My sister is getting married."
"Long story, but maybe we can talk when I get back?"
"Ok, I'll call you. Yes I promise."
"I... I love you too."
You smile at her.
She sniffs, "Right can you please hold still this time? Honestly, I'm not used to working with such amateurs."
A while later Gina walks into the room, "one dress. Oh sweetheart, Katie's made you look lovely."
"Yes, well she's quite good at this." You begrudgingly state.
She hugs you, "I'm going back to the flat for Ems, see you later."
"Yeah, see you in a bit." You reply.
Your Mum sits on the bed, "How do you feel?"
"In general or about getting married?" You ask.
"The wedding." She says with a smile.
You sigh, "Petrified."
"So normal then?" She says with a smile.
And you smile back as you realise that maybe today that's what you are, not Naomi, cancer patient, dying woman. Just Naomi, shitting herself on her wedding day.
"I know I shouldn't have peeked but Katie has got it spot on with the dresses." Your Mum says.
"I gave Emily an out you know? I didn't force her into this." You state.
Gina smiles, "I know love. But there was never going to be anywhere else for her to be was there? She loves you and maybe it's a bit unfair for you to keep implying there might be?"
You stare, "what do you mean?"
She strokes your head, "Don't you think it might feel a bit like you're the one doing this under duress?"
"But I'm not, I want to marry Emily, I love her more than life itself, I just don't want her to be trapped." you state.
Gina smiles, "I don't think she'd ever feel like that."
You stare at your Mum, "Is the dress awful?"
She shakes her head, "it's quite beautiful actually."
She zips it open, you frown. It's a white dress and head piece, it'll make you look like a fairy in a Shakespeare play. You get out of bed and Gina pulls it across your head, it falls down and strokes across your skin. Your mum places the wreath on your head, it's a circle of flowers.
"Ready love?" She asks.
You nod, "as I'll ever be."
You sit at the altar, there's no point in exerting yourself as you wait for Ems. Katie has excelled herself, the whole hospital chapel is filled with flowers, rose petals abound across the floors, there are bouquets in the aisles and bunches are everywhere.
Gina squeezes your hand, "you look very beautiful."
You smile, "thanks Mum, I'm glad you're here."
She smiles back, "me too sweetheart, me too."
The music starts, it's Elbow, on a day like this, it continues until the chorus.
"Throw those curtains wide, one day like this a year would see me right..."
You smile, this is it, Emily walks towards you. You see her, you catch your breath, fuck she's amazing. She's so beautiful, so radiant. She smiles, and you're totally lost. You're almost wearing the same outfit but Emily's hair cascades around her shouders. You know you'll never love anyone more than her and it makes you smile.
The whole ceremony passes in an instant, you vaguely remember saying your vows, you smiled at each other when the 'in sickness and in health' line was given. But before you know it the chaplain is saying you can kiss the bride. And you do, even though it hurts, you kiss her, press your lips against hers and never want to let go.
You make your way back to the hospital room, the nurses smile and bend the rules so you can have champagne and food. Of course you don't eat or drink anything, it would be thrown back up but Emily, Katie and your Mum deserve a celebration. You smile as you lie back on the bed.
"All this getting married is tiring, can I have a sleep?"
Emily looks at you, "of course, I'll be here when you wake up."
And she is.
You wake when it's dark and she's perched on the side of your bed, gentle snores come from her mouth and your whole heart fills with love. It's stupid, but she's your wife, and the thought of that is so uplifting you want to cry. You stroke her cheek and she wakes.
"Hey baby." She says.
"Sorry, I just woke and wanted to talk to you." You state honestly.
She moves so she's on the bed, lying next to you, snuggled into you.
"Suppose a shag's out of the question?" she says cheekily.
You smile ruefully, "sorry we couldn't consummate our marriage."
She smiles, "I think we consummated our relationship enough times over the years."
You grin, "Christ do you remember that time in the..."
Her finger presses against your lips and silences you, "I remember everything."
"Yeah?" You whisper.
She nods, "Everything. My memory is long, very, very long."
"So you don't regret it?" You ask.
Emily shakes her head.
"So if you knew now, what would happen, would you change it?" You ask expectantly.
She smiles, "never, not a single thing."
"I love you, Emily Fitch."
Her smile deepens, "I love you too. And I think you'll find it's Emily Campbell-Fitch."
You grin, "Wow, double-barrelled?"
Emily grins back, "How posh am I?"
"I'm so glad I married you."
She looks at you so tenderly, "So am I Naoms, so am I."