Seven stages: depression

A/N: This is the penultimate chapter and as the title suggests the newly weds aren't exactly in a happy place.

But I'm not mean and although it's hard they can always find a way through can't they?

They're Naomi and Emily. Of course they can.

Hope you keep reading and if you want to drop me a line to review that would be brilliant.

It's a couple of weeks later, you stare at her sleeping through the window, she's doing it more and more, you hate yourself for wishing her awake, so you can spend some time together. But then again it isn't always pleasant when you do anymore so maybe she's better off sleeping.

You grip the camera, part of you wants to shoot, the other is scared in case she sees you. Sometimes Naomi isn't nice, she lashes out and makes you feel like you're nothing. Part of you knows it's the cancer, the drugs, but another bit makes you fear that maybe there's truth in her words. The ones that tell you to fuck off, to leave her alone, that she doesn't need all your shit on top of her own, that she doesn't need you.

You think back to the wedding, you were both so happy, it was never going to last forever but it felt normal, you and Naomi, the way things were supposed to be. Now it feels as if she's given up, most days she lies there, just staring into nothing, like she's not even here anymore. You can see she's scared, you both are, but instead of bringing you together it's driving you apart.

A few nights ago you went back to the flat. You'd been in the hospital so long you were going a bit stir crazy, endless days of being in the same rooms eating the same food, but you still planned to stay. Naomi was asleep and you left her for a couple of minutes to freshen up. Her face was stony when you got back, you tried to explain but it quickly turned into a row. She told you to get out of the room, leave her again as it was all clearly becoming to much of a burden. You attempted to reason with her, tell her how ridiculous she was being but none of it went in. You made a throw away comment about her being obtuse and she was outraged, she sneered at you, accused you of wanting her dead. You stared in shock, angry that she'd even think something so horrible let alone say it to your face.

So you did as she asked and left, went back to the flat and had a shower. Gina was there for a while until she went back to the hospital. She said you looked tired and asked if you wanted her to change the sheets on Naomi's bed so you could have a lie down. You thanked her but refused. You climbed in and smelled Naomi scent, instantly feeling comforted that the Naomi you love was still here. You blushed as you remembered the last time you'd been in the bed together, memories of Naomi fucking you, your loud moans as she made you come, the equally vocal ones back as you returned the favour. Those were the memories that you'd cling to, they'd be the things that would get you though these tougher days and lonely nights.

In the end you just lay there, you couldn't sleep. So you got up and spent most of the night on the computer, sorting through the photos, working out which ones to send to Rachel. You pretend it's just another assignment, it isn't. How can it be, when you're cataloging each moment of Naomi's decline as she slowly slips away from you?

When the first light broke you made your way back to the hospital. Regardless of what happened the night before you can't leave her. Gina did her usual trick of disappearing to the cafeteria and Naomi begrudgingly apologised. You accepted it, even though it didn't sound that genuine, because it was better than nothing. But you were badly stung by her words and you'd been treading on egg shells ever since.

You sigh, you have to go in, no matter how hard it is, or what mood she's in. Today is Effy's bail hearing, she'll never see Naomi again if she doesn't get it. Part of you resents Eff, you still haven't totally forgiven her for keeping this from you. Ok, maybe Naomi made her promise, but if it was the other way around and you were in her position, you'd have told her earlier.

Naomi has a letter for her, a last goodbye. You hate it, hate the fact she seemingly cares more about her best friend than you. Maybe you want a letter, something that let's you know you mean something to her, but it isn't forthcoming, and it feels like all you get is vitriol.

You walk into he room and take a few photos, she wakes, sees you, but instead of a smile, all you get is a sigh as she turns away and stares into the wall.

"Naoms." You state.

She sighs, "Emily, that was my name when we were teenagers. We're adults now, grow up."

Tears spring into your eyes, "I'm going to Effy's bail hearing today."

"Ok, have you got the letter?" She asks.

You nod.

"Fine, see you whenever, can't get away fast enough eh?" She states.

"Why are you being like this?" You ask.

She snorts, "because I'm dying and I really don't give a fuck anymore."

You take a deep breath, "Look, I'll see you later, hopefully with Effy, I love you."

Naomi sighs, "more fool you."

You walk into the court building. Effy smiles but looks nervous. You're supposed to be angry with her and part of you is, but it doesn't matter, what Naomi needs is the important thing. So you hug her and sit down.

"Thanks for coming." She states hesitantly.

"It's fine, Naomi needs all the support she can get." You say awkwardly.

"How is she?" Effy asks with concern.

The tears spring into your eyes, you wonder how honest to be, "as well as can be expected."

You fiddle with your wedding ring, Effy, as usual, spots it straight away. "Anything to tell me?"

You shrug, "We, erm, we got married."

She smiles sadly, "congratulations. Sorry I missed it."

You sigh, "Didn't really have a lot of choice on the timing Eff."

"I know, it wasn't a criticism. I'm genuinely sorry I wasn't there." She says gently.

"Everything feels like a criticism these days." You state bitterly before you can stop yourself.

Effy stares at you, "Em, are you ok? I mean, are you coping with this?"

Tears fall down your cheeks as you shake your head, it's the first time anyone has asked you how you are, all the focus is on Naomi. Part of you hates the fact you're trying to deflect attention from her, it should be about her, she's the one dying after all. But you have no idea how you'll even get out of bed once she's gone, how can you live once your whole world crashes around you? The fact she's being so horrible makes it worse, it makes you feel like you're already alone.

"Em, hopefully I'll get through today and I'll talk to her ok?" Effy offers.

You snort, "that'd be great, thanks so much. As usual, you and her can sort everything out while I'm kept in the dark."

"Emily, it's not like that..." Effy starts.

You're about to reply, when her name is announced, you glare at her and then your shoulders sag, it won't help anyone if you're fighting. "Sorry."

She squeezes your hand, "let's hope my lawyer is as good as she says."

You nod and follow her into the courtroom, the hearing is surprisingly short, you give your character testament, you explain that Naomi is dying and needs to be surrounded by friends. Effy's barrister is as impressive as her CV suggests, she totally destroys the prosecution, every time they try to suggest Effy's a flight risk, she counters effectively.

The judge deliberates, starts by saying Effy's crimes are not to be taken lightly, they are serious. You see her gulp at that point, maybe it's the first time she's really thought about what she's done. Then the judge looks at you, says there are extenuating circumstances and it would be unfair to keep her in jail. The bail is granted, as long as Effy wears a tag and reports every day to her lawyer.

She smiles at you as she's led off, "See you in a bit."

You nod and go outside to wait. That's all you seem to do these days. You're not quite sure how long it takes but she shakes you awake, you must have drifted off.

Effy smiles, "One tag fitted, let's get out of here."

Once again you're in a cab, back towards the hospital, only this time you get out together.

"Ready?" You ask.

She nods.

You walk to the ward, Gina greets you both with a hug. "She'll be so happy to see you."

You try not to feel jealous, because you know it's true. You watch as Effy enters the room, Naomi says something dismissive until Effy speaks. Naomi turns and for the first time in days you see her smile. They hug and Naomi even manages a short laugh at her tag. Effy climbs on the bed and they lie facing each other as they chat. Probably something banal, but Naomi is more animated than she's been for a while. You know you should be glad, but it's not with you, once again you're excluded, while your wife and her best friend share a tender moment.

Effy glances up and sees you watching. You smile sadly and nod before you walk away.

Gina comes back with some coffees, "here you go Emily."

"No thanks, I'm going back to the flat. There's no point me being here." You state.

"If you're sure, you could probably do with the rest." Gina says kindly.

You shrug, "Naomi doesn't want me around."

"Of course she does love..." She replies.

"No Gina, she doesn't, she's made it totally clear I'm getting in the way and she'd rather I fucked off and left her to it. Maybe I should go back to the States. She's got you and Effy, she doesn't need me as well." You said in a resigned tone.

Gina sighs, "Emily, you've been here far more than anyone. Effy's been in prison, I've spent time at the flat to give myself a break, Katie left over a week ago. You? You've stayed here, always by her side, always making sure she is ok, always fighting for her because she doesn't have the strength. You make sure she's comfortable, you make sure she's not in pain, you never give up on her. But that's tiring and it takes it's toll. You need some rest sweetheart."

Your lip wobbles, "But what if I go and something happens? What if I never see her again?"

Gina hugs you tightly, "Naomi would never do that to you she'll always hang on. Go to the flat, have a nice relaxing bath and come back fresh tomorrow."

You nod, the thought of a long soak does sound appealing. "Ok, I'll let her know."

You walk back down the corridor and into the room, Naomi and Effy's conversation ceases as soon as they notice you. Effy stares intently at you with a frown etched on her face.

"I'm going back to the flat, apparently I need to get some rest." You say ruefully.

Effy and Naomi exchange glances.

"I'll see you tomorrow ok?" You state wearily.

A flicker of emotion crosses Naomi's face, but it's gone as quickly as it appears, "Effy's here now, so do what you want."

You don't have the energy to stop the hurt look appear. Effy looks uncomfortable but stays silent. You shake your head and smile sadly as you turn and leave the room. Your nails dig into your palms, you refuse to give her the satisfaction, so you wait until you're outside before you lean against the wall and start to cry.

It's dark as you enter the room again, you tried to relax, even had a bath, but you couldn't stop crying and there was no way you'd have a chance in hell of sleeping. First Effy then Gina came back, and that cemented it, regardless of whether she wants you there or not, you're determined she won't ever be on her own.

Moonlight streams through the window, it's bright, and her face is illuminated with a glow that looks almost ethereal. She's so beautiful and you want to capture it. You sit and get the camera out while trying to be as silent as possible. You put it on a long exposure and take a photo. You look at it once it's done, she looks so peaceful. You smile and stroke your finger across the display, tracing a line across her cheekbones and her lips. You take a few more shots and prepare to leave. You'll just be outside but at least you're here.

You accidentally kick something and curse as you make a noise. She stirs, blinks a few times and stares at you.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you. I'll be outside if you need anything." You state as you make your way to the door.

"Don't go." She says quietly.

You turn back, "Are you ok?"

She shakes her head, "I'm sorry for being such a cunt."

You place the camera on the cabinet and stare at her."I hadn't noticed."

She shifts slightly and makes room for you on the bed. She looks up unsurely, as if she's afraid you won't take her up on her offer. You smile and climb in next to her. She reaches across and strokes your cheek.

"I don't know why you put up with me."

You smile, "it's not like it's forever."

"Oh I see, the limited time is a factor eh?" She states.

"Makes it far less likely I'll kill you." You quip back.

You stare at each other.

"Mum said you talked about going back to New York." Naomi says.

You redden, "I didn't think I was wanted here."

"You're always wanted here."

"So why doesn't it feel like that? Why do you keep pushing me away?" you ask quietly.

She sighs, "I thought it'd be easier."

"For whom? Because making me feel worthless isn't doing a lot to help me at the moment Naomi, it's making this a lot harder than it has to be."

"I meant to let go, to let me go, I thought it'd be easier if you hated me, then you'd be glad I was gone instead of it ruining your life." she says sheepishly.

You stare incredulously, "In the whole time I've known you I can honestly say that's the most stupid thing to ever come out of your mouth, and there's quite a bit of competition believe me. I could never hate you, I love you, all this is doing is eating away at the time we have left meaning my final memories of you aren't always nice ones."

"Like I said, sorry. But Em, I can see how much strain this is putting you under. My Mum and Effy said exactly the same." Naomi says gently.

You snort "I see so being horrible to me and making me feel like shit is supposed to reduce that is it? For richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part, I know what I meant when I said those words Naomi, what I was signing up for."

She nods, "I know, I just don't want you to have the weight of the world on your shoulders as a result. It's ok to share some of the burden you know?"

"We're married, all I'm trying to do is help, be here for you when you need me, just like I promised you I would. Why do I get it in the neck when everyone else gets welcomed with open arms?" The edge in your voice is obvious.

She sighs, "Because you're not like everyone else."

"Oh great, I'm your wife Naomi, doesn't that mean..."

Her finger covers your lips, "Shh, it means everything. Mum, Eff, they're not like you Emily. They're like me, they deflect things, when it all gets too much we run away, maybe only for an hour or maybe a night, but we go. You don't, you stay."

You try not to look hurt. "So you want me to leave you more often?"

She shakes her head, "No, I love the fact you won't go. But it can be difficult because you absorb everything, when I'm in pain, you are too, the days when I struggle, I know you're battling for me and it's hard, because I'm tired Em, everything hurts so much and I'm running out of energy."

You stare, try to comprehend what she's telling you, "I'll give you energy..."

"I know, but soon you won't have enough for the two of us." Naomi says gently.

You start to cry, "I don't want you to be in pain."

"But I am baby and I don't know how much more I can take. I don't want to leave you, believe me I really don't, the idea of there being no us anymore scares the shit out of me." She stalls.

You wipe your eyes, "Do you remember what you said when I went for the internship?"

Naomi nods, "I said it was no big deal because we're Naomi and Emily, it didn't matter because we love each other."

You touch her face, "That'll never change."

She smiles, "Even when there's no Naomi anymore?"

"To me, there'll always be a Naomi, forever." You glance at the window. "Can you turn around?"

She nods and after a few tries is facing away from you.

"See all those stars? They're a million different worlds, infinite possibilities. In a handful we never even meet, a few are like this where we either split up or one of us dies so we don't get our happy ending. But you know what? In most of them we grow old together, the way we were supposed to, the way we planned."

She sniffs and you hold her as she cries. She turns back towards you. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be silly, I keep telling you, I wouldn't swap a second." You say with a smile.

"Promise me you'll live your life? In fact live two, one for me as well. Don't let this cloud everything, I couldn't stand it." Naomi pleads.

You nod, "I can't promise, but I'll try, no matter how much it hurts, I'll try."

She winces and you up the pain relief.

"I don't want to die..."

"I don't want you to either..." You pause as you realise she hasn't finished her sentence.

"Here."

You stare into her eyes, you can see the morphine kicking in, but you also see something else.

It's acceptance.

You realise all of tonight has been building towards this point, you can see she's struggling to find the energy to fight, but she does it for you, it's not fair to make her keep suffering just because you selfishly want more time with her. Naomi has come to terms with her fate, now it's time for you to do the same, it's time to let her go.

"We'll spring you ok?" You state sadly. "Take you somewhere beautiful, peaceful, away from all of this."

"It'll be soon..." she whispers.

A sob catches in your throat, "I'll speak to everyone tomorrow."

She smiles as she drifts off to sleep, "Thank you. I love you."

"I love you too." You reply.

You rest your head against her chest and listen to her weak heart beat as you gaze out of the window. You realise this is the most soundly she's slept in ages and you're glad even if the reason for her peacefulness hurts.

In spite of what you said to Naomi, you're not sure you'll ever accept her fate or be able to live your life normally once she's gone, so you stare at the stars and desperately hope that somewhere out there you're getting the perfect ending you deserve.