Seven stages: acceptance

A/N: Hello. So here is the final chapter of seven stages. It hasn't always been easy to write but I hope that the story has given you a better ending to the one in Fire.

There is also a disclaimer for the way this chapter, and in fact story, ends. I know how I've written it isn't that realistic, cancer is a horrible, horrible illness. But I wanted to write something poignant and figured you'd indulge me and allow me some artistic licence in the story.

It won't be the longest chapter, but I really hope it doesn't disappoint.

I really appreciate everyone reading, setting up alerts and reviewing this. I want you to like the final chapter and hope, like me, it gave you a bit of closure too.

You blink in the early light, you don't know what woke you, but you smile as you realise you've spent the night nestled against Naomi and neither of you has moved. In spite of how frail she is, Naomi's arm reaches over you in a protective gesture and the peaceful look is still on her face. You reach out and gently stroke the side of her head, you don't want to disturb her so the touch is faint enough to almost not be there.

You hear a series of clicks. Taking care not to wake Naomi you turn your head to see Effy pointing the camera at the bed.

She smiles and whispers, "I came in and you both looked so serene, I thought you might like to get some photos."

You smile back and quietly reply, "Thanks, there's not many of the two of us."

"Everything ok?"

You pause, your immediate thought is not really, Naomi is ready to die but you remember your promise, "Yeah. Where's Gina?"

"Gone for coffee. She'll be here in a minute."

"Talk about coping mechanisms." You say wryly.

Effy grins, "Says the woman who's like Godzilla until she gets her first caffeine hit of the day."

"Fair point." You gently extract yourself from Naomi and climb from the bed.

You sit next to Effy and she hands you the camera, you scroll through the ones she's taken this morning and smile. "Some of these are really good."

Effy shrugs, "I was just glad you'd sorted things when I walked in, I did it without thinking really."

You tut, "not thinking seems to be all the rage these days. I can't believe how warped her logic was. As if I'd feel more ok about this if she treated me like shit."

Effy sighs, "I did try to tell her how stupid she was being, how trying to push you away was only going to hurt you more."

"So you actually discussed it?" You hear your irritation.

Effy nods, "That's what we were talking about yesterday when you walked in."

Your lips purse, "Shouldn't be surprised, you and Naomi keeping secrets from me about this is par for the course."

"Em, it wasn't like that. I've always tried to reason with her but you know how stubborn she can be. She convinces herself that she's protecting you and nothing or no one can shake that belief."

You sigh, "I know, even I have trouble sometimes but I still felt left out, like I was the one who didn't belong."

"Em, you're the only person that matters to Naomi, she loves you so completely and always has, nothing else is important." Effy reasons.

You frown, "That's not true. She loves Gina... and you..."

"Of course she does, but it's not the same, nothing comes close to how she feels about you." Effy states sincerely.

You look at her sleeping, you understand that sentiment because it's exactly how you feel about Naomi too, "I know..."

"I'm really sorry I didn't tell you. To be honest I didn't cope that well with the news, so selfishly it was easier to pretend it wasn't happening." Effy says sheepishly.

You squeeze her hand, "it's ok, I understand why both you and Naomi acted the way you did, doesn't mean I like it, but you were respecting her wishes."

Effy nods.

"Speaking of which, when Gina gets here, I need to talk to you both."

"Bugger!"

Even though it's a whisper, the word reverberates around the room as one of the plastic cups in Gina's hand falls to the floor spilling coffee everywhere.

You immediately rise, "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, shame I can't say the same about the floor." Gina says exasperatedly.

A tiny cough, "Or my bed..."

You turn to see the liquid seeping through the sheet.

"Seriously Mum, as if I didn't have enough on my plate, now you want to add second degree burns to the list." Naomi chastises playfully.

Gina looks horrified, "Oh love, I'm so sorry. I carried it all the way from the canteen but it started to burn my fingers, the plastic is really thin..."

You lean over and gently kiss Naomi, "Don't be mean."

She smiles, "I apologise."

You smile back, "I'll get a nurse in to clean it up while I talk to your Mum and Effy ok?"

A small nod as she takes your hand.

"Hopefully we won't be long." You turn away but Naomi tugs you into another quick kiss.

"Alright, come back soon."

You extract your hand and leave the room followed by Gina and Effy. You speak to the nurse about Naomi's bedding and ask if there is somewhere the three of you can speak privately. She points to one of the family rooms and you motion for the others to follow you down the corridor. Once inside you shut the door and sit down, they stare expectantly at you.

"So is it my imagination or does Naomi seem much brighter today?" Gina questions.

You know you'll have to broach the subject carefully, "a little bit I suppose."

Gina breaks into a smile, "I knew telling her you were thinking about leaving would shock her into action."

You nod, "Yeah, it did. We had a really good talk last night when I came back."

"Honestly, I told her if she stopped putting all her energy into being nasty to you and concentrated on her own health it might give her a few more weeks."

You shift slightly and Effy stares knowingly at you.

"That's not why Naomi seems happier is it?" She questions.

You can't look her in the eye.

"Emily, what's going on?" Effy pushes.

Be strong, repeats over and over in your brain. This is what you agreed, what you said you'd do, it's what Naomi wants and everything you do should be about giving the woman you love exactly what she asks.

You exhale slowly, "Naomi's tired, she's not sure how much energy she has to fight this anymore, it's taking all her strength and the reason she keeps going is because of us, the people she cares about more than anything."

A sob escapes Gina's mouth and even Effy looks close to tears.

From somewhere you find an inner strength, "I promised her we'd take her out of the hospital so she could die in peace, surrounded by her family, somewhere that wasn't so sterile. To do that I think we need to get her discharged today."

Gina's face crumples, "my baby..."

"Wait." You say gently as you finally make eye contact. "I don't mean it's going to happen today but I'm scared if we don't get her out now, when she's still Naomi, they won't let us leave at all."

Effy nods, "At least if we get her back to the flat we can do what the hell we like when the time comes."

Gina sniffs, "Or do what the hell Naomi likes..."

"I know it's hard, but all of us can see the toll it's taking on her, trying to be strong or mean or whatever else she thinks we need, this should be about us doing what's best for Naomi in her final days."

Gina gives you a weak smile, "you've accepted it now haven't you?"

You shake your head, "I'm not sure I ever really will but Naomi has and that means, no matter how hard it is, I'm going to try to do the same."

Effy stares between you, "Then I guess we need to have an awkward conversation with her doctors."

The three of you sit across the desk holding hands in a linked chain for support. You've made your request and the consultant, all tanned and relaxed after his skiing holiday, stares quizzically at you.

"You do realise I can't let you take Naomi home?" He questions.

You stare back, "Actually, it's got nothing to do with you. It's what we've agreed and all you need to do is sign the release form."

He shakes his head, "My duty as a doctor is to prolong Naomi's life and to do what's in her best interests."

Effy snorts, "Really? The Hippocratic oath? It also says you won't administer a deadly drug or suggest one doesn't it? So tell me, at what point would upping Naomi's morphine to make her comfortable change into a fatal dose?"

He looks uncomfortable, "I resent that implication..."

Gina stares at him, "you might resent it being said out loud but we all know it happens. Stopping people suffering I believe it's called, or at least that was how it was presented to me when my mother was ill."

"I... I..." He splutters.

You sigh, "please, we're not trying to threaten or judge. When someone you love is dying, you always wish you could stop them suffering, it hurts to see them in pain. All we're asking is that instead of Naomi being here we'd like to take her home so she can die in familiar surroundings and be with the people she loves."

You all look up as 'Doctor wanker' enters the room, he stares warily at the group, "You asked to see me?"

"Hmmm, yes Michael..."

"It's Matthew..." He says with a resigned sigh.

The consultant tuts, "Of course. Anyway, these ladies would like to take a very sick patient out of the hospital and take her home. As you've dealt with her while I've been away I want you to tell them why it's a bad idea."

There's a pause.

"Actually, I think it's a good idea."

Your head snaps round.

"Excuse me?" The consultant queries.

"Naomi is going to die, being in a hospital won't change that, so shouldn't we do whatever we can to make her as comfortable as possible?"

I smile gratefully.

"Being in a hospital where she can get the care she needs is surely more important?" The consultant counters.

Matthew shrugs, "I'm not sure we can give Naomi the same level of care she's been getting. Not because we don't want to but because she has three people who are only focused on her."

"Interesting theory, so will you sign the papers?" The consultant asks slightly smugly.

"You know I don't have the authority, but I'm happy to go on record and confirm the fact I advised you to do it in this case, I think it's the right course of action." He states.

The consultant takes out his pen and with a theatrical flourish he writes his signature next to the relevant sections. "There you go, you may take Ms Campbell home. I hope you know what you're doing."

Gina's eyes narrow, "Probably more than you do."

You leave the office and Matthew smiles at you "Doctor wanker did ok in the end eh?"

You redden, "Oh, so you know about that?"

"I've been called worse."

"Thank you for sticking up for us in there." You state.

He digs his hands in the pockets of his white coat, "I learnt the hard way, it's pointless arguing with you. Good luck."

You smile as you walk towards the room, "think it might be a bit late for that but thanks anyway."

You stir and rub your eyes as you check the time, Naomi is sleeping in her own bed and one of you has always been at her side. You smile as you remember the relief on her face when she found out she could go home, leave the hospital. You know it wasn't just about the surroundings either, it was a slightly oblique way of telling her, that you, Gina and Effy had accepted the inevitable.

Gina walks in, "There's fresh coffee in the pot, I'll sit with her for a bit. Maybe today will be a good one."

You nod, aware of the fact you monopolise Naomi sometimes, but you're so scared of not being there when she needs you or when something happens, it's hard to let go.

"Maybe I'll take a shower, leave you two alone for a while." You state.

Gina smiles, "That'd be nice."

As you walk out of the room you hear Gina reading to her.

"Do you remember this? Bobby Bushtail. When you were little you insisted I read it to you every night and even though you knew how it ended you always cried at the part where he was lost and alone in the woods. I knew then you were always going to care deeply about things."

You walk to the kitchen and pour the coffee before you make your way back to the lounge. You sit on the sofa and hug your knees to your chest as you sit staring out of the huge windows. It's only been a few days but Naomi has deteriorated quite rapidly. Initially she was happier but gradually you can see her slipping away bit by bit.

The hospital gave you a drip to provide pain relief, you're doing it more and more, either larger doses or increased frequency. It means Naomi isn't always lucid, she doesn't always recognise where she is, sometimes she doesn't even know who you are. But the moments when you can see the fug clear are priceless, the ones where she connects completely to you again and you know she remembers everything.

She's stopped eating, at first you tried to coax her but in the end you realised she was in too much distress so you insisted you all stopped trying. The grateful smile you got in return will stay with you until the day you die.

So like Gina all you and Effy do is take it in turns to sit by the bed, read to her and feed her ice chips to keep her hydrated. You tell her a mixture of things, some of it from newspapers, some from books or poems and sometimes just memories. Even when she's not conscious, you know she hears, that she listens and takes it all in.

Effy comes into the room, pours a coffee and mirrors you position as you both sit on the sofa and stare into nothingness.

You look up in surprise as Gina enters, she shows you the cone of ice chips that haven't been touched and you glance at Effy. You all thought you were prepared for this day, but you quickly realise you're not, it's too soon, not enough time.

You go into the bedroom and see her lying there. You thought she was frail before, but it's nothing compared to how she looks now. Naomi stares into your eyes, pleading and it reaches deep into your soul, the way she always has done, the way only she ever can or will.

You smile and nod, the relief on her face is evident. You walk back into the lounge.

"We're going out for the day."

You wait for the taxi, Naomi is wrapped up in layer upon layer, wearing the stupid hat she bought and you all cuddle her to make sure she's warm. The cab arrives, you get in and give the driver instructions. You stare out of the window, it feels spring like even though it's barely over winter. There isn't a cloud in the sky and it's one of the days you love, sunny, warm and the light is amazing.

You arrive at Primrose Hill and Naomi smiles, she looks at you and you know it was the right choice.

"So what's special about this?" Gina questions.

"It was one of the first places Naomi took me on a date when we got to London. She spent ages on the Internet researching it. It was all a bit scary for us both, uni and being away from home so we came here on a picnic, drank champagne...

A cough.

"Ok, prosecco. But it was one of my my favourite dates. You look over London and it's beautiful, not that intimidating at all, you realise there's space and it doesn't have to be claustrophobic."

Gina and Effy smile as they put down the blanket. You unpack the food and continue to converse. Naomi's head rests in your lap and every now and then you glance down and see her beaming back at you.

Effy grabs your camera, "a few more of you two and us all eh?"

You nod and pose as if you don't have a care in the world, if you try hard enough you can almost convince yourself it's true, almost.

The sun starts to set and Effy checks her watch as you tidy away.

"I need to go, if I break my curfew I'm screwed before I even start." She says apologetically.

Naomi manages to sit and hug her, Effy blinks away her tears. "Love you, even if you annoy the shit out of me and you owe me rent."

"Take... it out... of my... estate."

"How did you never make it as a stand up comedian?" Effy asks.

Gina smiles sadly, "I'll go too, I'll see you both back at the flat ok?"

You all know it won't be back at the flat, nor will it be both of you...

"Bye... I... Love... You..." Naomi rasps.

Gina strokes her cheek, "my proudest achievement... I love you too."

They wave as they walk away and leave you and Naomi alone. You clear the food away and sit back down as the sun begins to set.

Naomi sits between your legs and rests her head back against your shoulder, you hold the camera out and take a last picture. You wrap the blankets tightly around you both, you take care not to squeeze too much in case you hurt her fragile body, it feels like she could snap in two.

Her breath becomes ragged as she increasingly struggles to take in the precious oxygen she needs.

"I..." She swallows, "love..." Another gulp, "...you."

You gently kiss her and whisper in her ear, "I love you too."

In spite of all the layers and your body heat she shivers.

"Do you want to go some where warmer baby?" you ask in a futile attempt to deny what's happening.

With supreme effort she turns towards you and shakes her head. You wait patiently for her to speak, and your heart breaks a little more, if that's possible, when you see how hard it is, her chapped lips move slowly and her voice is barely audible.

"Can't... we... just " She coughs.

"sit... like..." A swallow.

"this... for..."

"a... bit?" She finishes exhausted.

You look into the blue eyes, the ones that'll never diminish in brilliance in your memory, the ones that you'll reminisce about in years to come, the light's fading. Your gazes convey how much you mean to each other, how much you'll always mean, and how much you'll miss one another.

You nod and she smiles as her eyes close.

You lean in and place a kiss on her lips, you press harder than you've done recently, she's not in pain anymore.

You turn back to see the dying embers of the evening sun fade away, tears cascade down your cheeks as you give her a final, gentle squeeze.

"Yeah, we can, for a bit."