Title: Candy From Strangers
Warning: Patently false Tru Fax about Cybertron and its inhabitants ahead. The sillier, the better. Not really any stories in this round, so skip if you're looking for that. Some gore, some hints at sex.
Rating: PG-13
Continuity: G1, IDW
Characters: Anyone from Cybertron
Disclaimer: The theatre doesn't own the script or actors, nor does it make a profit from the play.
Motivation (Prompt): A meme where people gave me one word, and I made up a "true fact" based on it.
[* * * * *]
Part 22: Tru Fax of Cybertron
[* * * * *]
Defenestration
[* * * * *]
Cybertron used to have a worldwide kind of Olympics competition event. The Decepticons and Autobots attempted to keep it as a perennially recurring peace treaty thing for a while, it was so important. The sporting events kept getting weirder, however, and things got touchy when competitors stopped representing areas and just flat-out represented their factions. There had always been riots after particularly important games, but the riots turned far more violent when the winners and losers were clearly defined by faction lines. Also, there were rumors that the Decepticon competitors faced execution if they lost.
Everything dissolved during the last of these meetings, possibly because of the war just reaching the point where peace treaties no longer worked. It certainly wasn't helped by the Autobots attempting to introduce competitive silence (literally, the Quiet Game) and the Decepticons tried to bring in defenestration.
[* * * * *]
Square
[* * * * *]
Frag, mech, dem angles.
Humans think curves are where it's at, but not so the Decepticons and Autobots. Angles bring these mechs to the yard, and the sharper, the better. Wings holds a high place on the scale, and flyers covet acute-angled wingtips because of it. Cosmos occupies a space on the other end of the scale because of his obtuse, fat angles and curves. His personality is wonderful, but his frametype is widely seen as unfortunate. Soundwave, on the other hand, is a gorgeous specimen of a mech because of he is made of corners, but he's still fundamentally flawed because those corners belong to rectangles.
The ideal shape for beauty on Cybertron is a perfect square. Equal length of the sides, right angles, unf! There's a reason the AllSpark is a cube and the source of all life in several Transformer universes. And G1 Optimus altmode was bangin', everyone knows. Square grill, square windows, and square headlights, all within the square cab. Dat cab, mm-mm. So boxy.
[* * * * *]
Scream
[* * * * *]
Nobody alive has ever heard Starscream scream. Really, truly scream. It's not well know because slagging everybody's heard him lose his temper on the battlefield before, but it's a technical difference. He's shrieked. He's yelled. He's shrilled. He hasn't actually screamed.
At least, not anywhere anyone remembers. He has a reputation for turning on his own, doesn't he? Strange how everyone knows not to trust him, knows to neutralize him, but yet he's alive. He's walked out of situations no one expected him to survive, and haven't you wondered how he lived when everyone else died? Haven't you wondered how entire fortresses, whole battalions, the wide expanses of a battlefield lie devastated, but he manages to escape?
Ask how Starscream got his name, and see Skyfire's optics go glassy and blank with memory. Ask Soundwave why he's only Third-in-Command, and why he doesn't challenge for Second. Ask Thundercracker why he, of all mechs, got stuck in the lead trine, and how deep his sonic boom can thunder.
Ask Skywarp how far he can teleport when madness enters Starscream's optics and the Air Commander opens his mouth.
[* * * * *]
Ice-cube
[* * * * *]
Skyfire doesn't talk about it, but he has never recharged as peacefully as he did while in statis in the ice. He wasn't actually asleep, but there was just an immense sense of rest that he's never experienced in real recharge. It's that busy mind of his. Even in recharge, it doesn't wind down completely. It's always active.
The ice shut down all but the lowest tiers of his processor, and for the first time, Skyfire did not think. It was incredible.
[* * * * *]
Blue
[* * * * *]
On Cybertron, the three primary colors aren't red, blue, and yellow. They're not even cyan, magenta, and yellow.
It's a matter of terminology. While color theory remains the same between Earth and Cybertron (well…mostly), Cybertronians would never refer to those colors as 'primary colors.' That term is reserved for something else entirely.
Cybertronians regard primary colors as a concept of the self. In the beginning, there was the spark. Then the spark had a shell, and the shell was gray. Only once spark and dead metal have combined do the secondary colors appear, and thus mixing may occur to create the changing colors of a mech's paintjob.
The primary colors of Cybertron are the black of the void, the gray of lifeless metal, and the brilliant white-blue of a new spark.
[* * * * *]
Carapace
[* * * * *]
Lobsters don't age. They grow older and correspondingly larger, but their bodies don't age as other creatures on Earth. The breakdown doesn't happen. Theoretically, there are lobsters out there who simply keep getting bigger and bigger, never dying.
It's actually not theory, but the Decepticons aren't going to enlighten the humans about Frank. Frag, they don't even tell the noobie 'Cons from Cybertron about him. The veterans can tell somebody just found out by the panicked yelling. There's usually money passed around for the standing bet on reactions before the losers go out to pry Frank's new toy out of his claws.
First rule of the Decepticon base is, "Enter by the launch tower."
Second rule is, "If you're on Frank-feeding duty, don't be late."
[* * * * *]
Power
[* * * * *]
Shrapnel doubles as a TV antenna if you're stuck on outpost duty with him. He also provides the electricity to power the TV. Just don't ask where he plugs it in.
[* * * * *]
Afraid
[* * * * *]
The entire SpecOps division of the Ark is terrified of Carly's newborn son. It starts out with uncomfortable shifting away from her when she introduces him, but even Jazz comes up with an excuse to leave the room as she gets closer. Mirage's stiff formality cuts off almost rudely when she gets too close for his comfort.
Carly's smart; she figures it out. Soon enough, the other Autobots are treated to the sight of the Ark's most badaft and/or aloof fraggers stampeding down the hall away from a woman with an evil grin and a sleeping baby. All attempts at casually moseying away die by the third ambush. They're straight-out fleeing by the fifth time she pops up asking for one of them to hold the baby while she gets a bottle ready.
They've been at war a long, long time, and they're arguably the unit that's got the most lives on their hands. They run because they're just that afraid they'll somehow add Daniel to the kill list.
[* * * * *]
Nonsense
[* * * * *]
Humans are awed by many aspects of Cybertronian life. They think it so highly-advanced that parts can be replaced when they wear out, that mechs can change altmodes, that spacebridge technology even exists. When they don't understand something, they chalk it up to something being alien and beyond their comprehension, but somehow better than anything produced by humanity.
Like the road system on Cybertron. The first time a human saw the remains of the highways, it looked like a muddled mess, but that human looked at the Autobots and thought, 'They're a highly advanced race of sentient mechanical beings. It must be that cars understand roads better than mere humans.'
Nah. Turns out that the government before the war on Cybertron was just as stupidly bureaucratic as any government on Earth. Traffic jams everywhere. Ridiculous tickets for parking despite the lack of No Parking signs. Laws that made no sense whatsoever even by the people who passed them. Ticket quotas changing the speed limits apparently at random.
Better than Earth? Nonsense.
[* * * * *]
Crash
[* * * * *]
On Cybertron, paramedics double as mechanics. They have to. Imagine responding to a crash call, arriving on the scene, and being unable to tell where the patient ends and the vehicle begins.
Medics have been known to lurk around engineering academies and repair shops to poach workers and students. The hospitals have to do it. Their EMT unit turnover is brutally high. Most mechs don't think about become an EMT without someone urging them, and paramedics quit at astounding rates on Cybertron. There's nothing that can prepare a mech for the screaming when he's forced to make that split second call on which is which — and he chose wrong.
[* * * * *]
Space
[* * * * *]
The final frontier! These are the voyages of oh frag no. Except for certain science enthusiasts and weird fetishists, most of Cybertron wavers between uncomfortable and rampantly xenophobic around off-worlders. Shape is everything to Cybertronians, and most of the races they've met don't change. Monoformers at best, organic and foreign at worst. Ew.
It's why there are no other races ever seen on Cybertron, and why the Galactic Council is so unsympathetic toward the planet. Cybertronians reluctantly turned their attention outward to expand, but their colonies tend to look exactly like the homeworld for a reason. Colonists even get treated different, if they've been away for long. They're just…different.
Different carries a stigma.
[* * * * *]
Speed
[* * * * *]
Cybertron's speed limits sucked, like whoa. Everything in the upper levels was highway, and everything in the lower levels was cramped, twisty, cluttered streets. Mechs had to be racers to get access to the tracks. There were no open roads to go full throttle on, and most mechs never tried to open up. The fines for violating the speed limit were bad enough, but then the ticket automatically slapped a label on the offender's medical record about being a danger to the self and others.
It wasn't until the war that most mechs found out their top speed wasn't what was posted beside the road.
[* * * * *]
Siren
[* * * * *]
It's something of a game among the Autobots. The goal is to see what will make 'bots with sirens bleep, either from surprise or…something else. Sirens just weren't something anyone used on Cybertron. Earth's altmodes have hilarious extras, as far as the Autobots are concerned, and everyone's curious how the things work.
First Aid's sirens go off if he swears. It actually covers up his words. He has an automatic censor system.
Hot Spot can't accelerate hard without setting off his sirens. That's right, his automatic systems goes 'zoooooom' for him.
Ratchet wakes up with his sirens on if he's startled.
Streetwise snores. That is, his sirens cycle in a hilarious Doppler effect with his breathing as he recharges. It is the loudest, most unintentionally obnoxious Earth side effect any of the Autobots have ever seen.
Prowl's ticklish.
[* * * * *]
Sizzle
[* * * * *]
You can fry an egg on an Autobot's hood after battle even during the winter. They run hot.
During the summer, post-battle, the entire returning convoy's been known to chase down ice cream trucks to cuddle up to.
[* * * * *]
Late
[* * * * *]
Without a sun to base their time structure by, Cybertron in general doesn't have a cyclical conception of time. There is no first-second-third shift because there is no day. Work shifts and time are set by a planetary clock which continually goes forward in a line of numbers. Telling someone the time can take a while if common shorthand isn't used.
This flattened version of time made adjusting to Earth interesting, as mechs suddenly discovered their bodies adjusted to the light or lack thereof in unexpected ways. They hadn't, until they'd come to Earth, known there was such a thing as a morning or night person.
Megatron is such a morning person, it's unbelievable. Evil should not be that awake at 7 AM.
(The Decepticons also discovered that they're affected by the tides, but that's another story.)
[* * * * *]
Sleep
[* * * * *]
Cybertronians don't associate 'sleep' and 'death' in any way. The first time someone talked about putting their pet to sleep, the Autobots were convinced that they'd put their pet into statis so that repairs could be made later.
The Autobots found out eventually.
Yeah, that wasn't a fun conversation.
[* * * * *]
Ornate
[* * * * *]
The mark of age among Cybertronians is how simple their transformation is. The technology just wasn't as advantage way back when, and the younger generations have more and more complete transformations, little bits and pieces sliding and compacting and mass shifting. Compared to modern models, the older generations look simplistic and often gracelessly clonky.
So the older mechs tend to pick up strange bits of ornamentation to add to themselves. Some of it sticks when they reach the level of really ancient (ex. Alpha Trion's facial ornaments), but most of the time, they lose the weirdest bits (ex. Kup ain't got time for that).
The mark of a midlife crisis is picking up something stupendously gaudy. Nobody even blinked when Starscream went straight for a crown and cape.
[* * * * *]
Medic
[* * * * *]
The Constructicons have it worse than Ratchet, Hoist, and First Aid due to lack of correct medical exposure, but human medicine gives them all the heebie-jeebies. It's so confoundedly organic and unpredictable and squishy and chaotic. It took the Autobot medics a while to get over their reflexive horror when confronted by it, and the Constructicons collectively flinch. It's just so messy.
Open up a Cybertronian, and the parts are all comfortingly normal.
Open up a human and augh why is it squirting goo no stop that.
[* * * * *]
Prime
[* * * * *]
Optimus Prime sometimes feels like he's only valued for his position, not for who he really is. He tries to hide it, but the other Autobots eventually find out. It's kind of sad seeing their leader depressed but trying not to show it.
There wasn't much the common soldiers could do about it back on Cybertron, but everyone's in close quarters on Earth. They've only got the one base. He pretends to be in good spirits, but the Autobots know. They come up with their own ways to deal with their leader feeling like a leader instead of a person.
The most popular one is piling into his trailer when he's not looking. Sometimes he pretends not to notice and hauls them around for a while, stifled giggles leaking out of the trailer the whole way. Other times, he has to coax them all out while they insist, no, they're comfy, he can't make them, they're fine in here, it's okay, they'll just be living in here from now on.
This is especially effective if the soldiers can talk the officers into playing along. Prowl and Red Alert bring their desks.
[* * * * *]
Lagomorph
[* * * * *]
The first Autobot to hit a bunny on the road was Mirage.
Everyone expected him to be appalled by the mess, but they didn't expect the wide-opticked look of apprehension when he showed up in Prowl's office with the roadkill in hand. Property owners are important people, to noblemechs. He was utterly convinced he'd committed a crime against the USA by killing one of its animals.
He insisted on writing a formal letter of apology to the state. The other Autobots aren't sure he's quite gotten the idea of free-roaming, unowned wildlife through his head yet.
[* * * * *]
Vacation
[* * * * *]
Cybertronians didn't really do vacations. The cyclical calendar of Earth allows for perennial holidays from work or school, but Cybertron has a straight timeline. The idea of tourism didn't really catch on, either. The cities kind of all looked similar. Costs differed. The people were sometimes different. Luxury activities were a thing, but traveling for fun? Not a big thing. Real-time sensory broadcasts brought the world to their fingertips. A shuttle could zip people halfway around Cybertron in a shift.
Earth, however. The Autobots and Decepticons discover vacations on Earth.
Several of the Autobots do tours through the carshow season, buying tickets to scope out the new models. A bunch of the Decepticon flyers follow various migratory flocks, especially the Monarch butterfly migration, because they are absolutely charmed by the dense clouds of tiny flyers. All of the shuttles can be found mid-summer in the sunniest deserts on Earth, sprawled out blissfully in the hot sun with their solar panels deployed and plating fluffed to take in the harmless heat.
[* * * * *]
Zombie
[* * * * *]
Humans don't understand how scared Cybertronians are of their horror genre. There are certain things you don't joke about on Cybertron, and undead frames is one of them. It's a legitimate fear in the gloomy streets; a real, documented medical problem that sometimes assaults mechs going about their business. There are outbreaks that turn entire sectors into ghost towns, only the ghosts come back and wait for living prey to come into reach. Isolation protocols work to keep the outbreaks contained once they're caught, but they still happen despite all precautions: parasites, creatures who take advantage of Cybertronians' mechanical natures to use their dead bodies, even mind control that continues once the spark is gone.
It happens. It's real and scary, so the horror genre on Cybertron doesn't include many zombie references.
Then the Decepticons and Autobots arrived on Earth, and it's a living horror story. Everywhere, humans use machines. Everywhere, bodies that look just like them drive the streets, but they're not alive. They're empty bodies.
That was bad enough, but the humans have their horror genre as well, full of pseudo-science theories and just-probable-enough twists on what Cybertron actually has roaming the dead sectors. The zombie category is rich with nightmare-inducing tales.
[* * * * *]
Mardi-Gras
[* * * * *]
This is the most important holiday after Halloween to the Decepticons. The Autobots, of course, try to spread their cultural appreciation out over the world and not favor any one country's holidays, but the Decepticons saw the tinsel during Christmas. They do love them some shinies, and thus was their fascination with American holidays born.
The idea of being able to go out and in disguise as anything they wanted for a day and people would play along made Halloween an instant hit. Never have so many aliens descended on K-Marts and Walmarts than during the month of October. The Decepticons really would dress up in ridiculous human-inspired outfits, just because they could. They were allowed to, and the humans would play along.
The shadow of Functionalism is long.
Mardi-Gras is straight out shiny appreciation. Seriously, these humans are throwing handfuls of obviously very shiny things into the crowd, and the Decepticons get 50 kinds of excited over this. Don't the humans know how valuable that stuff is? Most of the Decepticons came from the lower classes. Shiny and gaudy were a way of covering poverty, a way of showing wealth, and a comfort rolled all into one.
That one day in New Orleans, the Decepticons will agree to whatever ceasefire terms the Autobots demand, just to celebrate.
[* * * * *]
Pansexual
[* * * * *]
The first time a Cybertronian heard this term, he incorrectly assumed it meant "attracted to pans." Well, dishware and kitchen paraphernalia, but yeah — pans. He didn't look for any deeper meaning than the obvious word-association. Pans made perfect sense to him. Transformers, right? There was an Autobot right there on Earth who transformed into a toaster, after all, and it made no more or less sense than the other labels humans liked to slap on their sexuality.
For a brief, wonderful couple of months, the dirty joke going around both factions on Earth was that sex with a human was just an altmode away.
[* * * * *]
Whale
[* * * * *]
The Decepticons are weirded out by Frank the giant lobster.
Omega Supreme is enchanted by Durella. It might seem like the Autobots neglect him by leaving him on his lonesome, but no, they're just leaving him to his fun. He spends most of his time tracking 'his' blue whale around or attempting to construct an aquarium to contain her. He really, really wants a whale for a pet.
Optimus Prime is at a loss for how to explain that it's not a good idea and the humans might object. After all, human celebrities keep strange, exotic animals as pets all the time. Why can't Omega Supreme keep a whale?
[* * * * *]
Onomatopoeia
[* * * * *]
Humans and their many languages dumbfounded the Autobots and Decepticons for the longest while because, despite what humans thought, Cybertron's language didn't have onomatopoeias. The idea of creating a word was already enough to boggle them - they didn't do that, Cybertron prided itself on changing its language as little as possible and therefore was in great denial over the fact that it inevitably did - but then to make a word whose sole meaning was the sound blew some of their minds.
Thundercracker dropped his Cybertronian name immediately, because it no longer sounded right. The meaning was there, but the sound was wrong.
[* * * * *]
Seahorses
[* * * * *]
The English language is full of puns. The Autobots were not aware of this at first. Then somebody asked about the seahorses, and Beachcomber said, "I don't see any horses."
He was very confused when all the humans laughed. They had to explain that they thought he'd told a joke.
The Autobots wouldn't stop punning for a month after that.
[* * * * *]
Regret
[* * * * *]
Regrets are a choice among Cybertronians. They have memory files, and all files can be edited. It's frowned on but not unusual to simply erase people and events that cause negative feelings. Why be miserable about things that can't be changed? Why suffer trauma any longer than one must? It's over. It's done with. Erase it.
Humans say personal growth isn't possible without experience, but Cybertronians live so, so much longer than humans. That's plenty of experience. There's no harm in weeding out the bad experiences.
Or there might be, but it gets deleted, too.
[* * * * *]
Baths
[* * * * *]
Showers, washracks, sprayers, sponges, squeegees, and wipes. A standard wash on Cybertron doesn't include immersion. Enough liquid to submerge in would be far too expensive, and then there's the logistics of transporting liquid to a suitably large tub and disposal of the used liquid. Plumbing wasn't a necessity in Cybertronians buildings.
It honestly didn't occur to the Autobots to try immersion until the Dinobots made a mud wallow and attempted to bury themselves in it. It's not that they were so grubby a bath was the only solution - power sprayers work wonders - but Wheeljack looked at the optics blinking at him, tails wriggling under the mud, and bubbles blowing up from nostrils under the water, and something clicked in his head. Right. Water. Earth was covered in water.
Meanwhile, the Decepticons had been doing cannonballs off Niagara Falls for years, happily splashing around trying to drown each other.
[* * * * *]
Black-Ops
[* * * * *]
The Autobot Special Operations Division isn't outclassed, but it's handicapped. Its undercover agents are mostly one-use plants whose covers often get blown to save lives. Compromising between immediate life values versus projected lives saved down the road takes a coldness of spark the Autobots aren't known for. Rescues and taking out vital Decepticon officers are important, but we, the viewers, know who the Autobot agents are.
That should tell you how deep undercover the Decepticon agents are.
[* * * * *]
Therapy
[* * * * *]
The Autobots who survived the Battle of Autobot City were bewildered when Daniel's parents started taking him to therapy sessions once a week. The vivid flashbacks to several of his friends and heroes dying in front of him weren't going away. The Autobots were distressed that therapy was necessary, but they understood and supported him as best they could. Nothing brought home how adjusted they were to war than damage done to an ally. They'd become inured to their own injuries.
Daniel, being young and helpful, solemnly attempted to spread around the help he was getting. The Autobots, somewhat bemused but mostly just touched, listened to his instructions. They even tried to follow through, however awkward it felt at first.
Hugging therapy became a very popular activity in Autobot City.
[* * * * *]
Exsanguination
[* * * * *]
The human taboo on cannibalism makes no sense to Cybertronians. While it's not particularly a great topic to talk about in good times, it's fairly understood that when things get bad, new parts won't be popping out of nowhere. Resources are finite. Draining a corpse is just a standard practice. Recycling the dead is a time-honored tradition on Cybertron.
Waste not, want not.
[* * * * *]
Sea
[* * * * *]
The Decepticons actually thought humans were a pretty tough species after they had time to learn some human history. The oceans were very, very big, and humans were extremely small, yet they had figured out how to exploit the vast expanses of water for food, travel, and profit. That impressed the Decepticons.
Kind of scared them, too. Given 10,000 years, this tiny race of organic creatures had conquered the sea. How long before humans turned their attention to the stars?
[* * * * *]
Weather
[* * * * *]
Cybertronians do not fear the weather because weather has always been an explainable phenomenon for them. Gods often spring from the idea that things that cannot be explained are controlled by magic. Well, Cybertron has always excelled at explaining nature. Weather is a science, to them, and one of the easiest to explain. There was never mystery about what caused the rain. Cybertron's gods do not command clouds or make the sun shine.
The Rainmakers belong to a long line of mechs who controlled the weather on Cybertron. It was a duty. A low-paid, low-ranking chore that had to be done. Until the acid rain became powerful enough to be used as a weapon, they were mundane workers among the Decepticons.
They could have been gods on Earth.
[* * * * *]
Secret
[* * * * *]
The best way to broadcast a secret in the Decepticon base is to not have one. Acting like you don't have one doesn't cut it. Something will inevitably give you away, and once one person knows, everyone will find out. If Reflector doesn't sniff you out, Soundwave will sic his Cassettes on you, Swindle will offer to buy it, Vortex will threaten to extract it, and Starscream will just somehow know it.
The best way to hide a secret in the Decepticon base is to forget you even have one - and kill anyone who knows differently.
[* * * * *]
Nostalgia
[* * * * *]
The reason Kup tells stories about the past is that time makes the spark grow fonder. The past seems better than it really was. He'd rather dwell on it than on the present. The present is so horrible.
It always is, in war.
[* * * * *]
Maintenance
[* * * * *]
It does not mean what the humans think it means.
It does not mean what the humans think it means.
But like fun is anyone going to be telling them differently, because Ratchet gives the best lube jobs and Hook's oil changes are enough reason to put up with his attitude.
[* * * * *]
Music
[* * * * *]
Cybertron used to judge people hard for what they listened to. Actual court-and-legalities judgment. Think humans get irrational about pop music, rap, and country? Think again. The slag the lower classes had to put up with from their 'betters' judging their music was incredible. There used to be bans, censors, and outright raids on illegal music houses. Getting caught playing unapproved music was bad enough, but Primus help people if they downloaded stuff that wasn't state-sanctioned.
It was the Functionalist political movement. If a mech's form wasn't designated as part of something, he couldn't do it. The government decided who could compose, sing, play, and produce. Anyone else was illegal and could be charged with appropriation of function.
Out of that world of stifled creativity, Jazz chose to name himself after a type of music that would have never come into being on Cybertron, born as it was of the poor, the downtrodden, and those who could improv change on the turn of a dim. That should tell you what he thought of the system he came from.
[* * * * *]
Religion
[* * * * *]
Humans have this strange tendency to look upon Cybertronian culture with awe and respect. That includes their religion.
Cybertronians have the mind-boggling tendency to look upon Earth's culture and think, 'We're not alone!'
Religions hating other religions, persecuting fragments of themselves, controlling governments, oppressing people, sometimes helping them, but overall, religion being a tool. People use it for their own ends. Cybertronians think Earth's varied gods and religions are kind of whacko, but they sympathize so much with that whackiness. It feels like home.
[* * * * *]
Victory
[* * * * *]
It's the worst name for a crashed spaceship in the history of ever. Megatron knows it. The Decepticons all know it. The Autobots definitely know it. It's like some sort of mean-spirited ongoing joke. It's a name that exists purely to remind the Decepticons what it failed to live up to.
The thing is, what can they change it to? The Defeat? All the choices for new names are just plain depressing.
So. Everyone kind of avoids talking about it, and the Victory it stays.
[* * * * *]
Dark
[* * * * *]
Cybertron is never completely dark. There are always stars, and the stars are always visible because there is no sun. The sky is a glittering field of black and white, sometimes blue and reds as space flies by. Go down into the depths, and there is darkness, but Cybertron's surface is never dark.
All the same, Cybertron is never light, either. There's no sun, and the stars don't really provide daylight. Neon lights and headlights pierce the gloom without lifting it. The planet is in perpetual twilight: not quite night, but definitely not day.
Earth orbits a sun. Both sides of the war clearly remember their first sunrise on the new planet because, for the first time in a long time, there was no darkness.
[* * * * *]
Crumple
[* * * * *]
In car safety testing on Earth, there's something called a 'crumple zone.'
The Decepticons were morbidly amused by that when they found out. What the humans call a safety test, they call attempted murder. The crumple zone is the kill zone. The deeper the crumple, the better chance of a kill.
The Decepticons immediately acquired all the crash test safety footage for the Autobots' new altmodes.
[* * * * *]
Coffee
[* * * * *]
Coffee is a suspension in liquid, organic material in water. Organic material can be converted to energy. Therefore, theoretically, coffee can be processed into energon.
At which point in the conversation, Wheeljack politely interrupted and dragged Perceptor away by the scope because even he realized this was a very bad idea.
[* * * * *]
Spicy
[* * * * *]
Humans register spicy as a hot sensation, a burning like fire. For the record, Cybertronians have a higher tolerance for temperature than humans do, and they didn't quite understand that the connotation for spicy is pretty much centered on the taste. Mouth, tongue, and lips, right? Flavor. But they just assumed it was a tactile thing in general, like most fire-related words in English. Someone can be fiery, feisty, and smokin' hot. These can be talked about openly with friends.
Spicy? Not so much.
Saying one of his fellow officers was spicy caused every human in the conversation to blush madly, and Prowl hid in his office for a week when he understood what he'd just publicly admitted to doing.
[* * * * *]
Scripture
[* * * * *]
The Autobots are too polite to bring up religion with humans, because most of the holy Scriptures on Earth seem to rely on a creation story. Perceptor would have a field day explaining the actual creation of the universe if the Autobots weren't convinced Earth's religious fanatics were dangerous. Look at the fate of scientists throughout human history. They didn't want to be the next ones at the stake.
The Decepticons think human scriptures are hilarious reading, but Soundwave's been known to mess with local humans by twisting their scriptures to the Decepticons' advantage.
[* * * * *]
Ash
[* * * * *]
Cybertron reeks of ash. The atmosphere is thin enough that the smoke dissipated, the haze of burning disappeared, the fires are all out - but the ash remains. Metal itself doesn't burn, but the impurities in it do. The paint on it does. The plastics and rubbers and energy sources do.
Or they did, anyway. They're long gone, and all that remains is the ash.
[* * * * *]
Vial
[* * * * *]
The best bars on Cybertron are ones run by chemists. The place might not have the atmosphere a dockworker's looking for, but the drinks can't be beaten. Anyway, most mechs have two bars in their lives: the one they go to for a relaxing drink with friends, all dingy and kind of horrid, but they really only realize how run-down it is when they try to bring a new coworker there. Then there's the bar they go to when they're going out for the night. Mechs don't talk to the bartenders at those bars expecting normal topics. A chemist is just as interesting as anything else.
So the good bars hire chemists, and some chemists take the jobs for the fun of it. The field is as competitive but the work environment completely different. A lot of science-minded 'bots go into the Academy looking for a career that they discovered they hated. The people-persons and the casual learners bomb out quickly, driven out by isolated labs and peer rivalry, or just the workload of higher education. What's a mech to do?
No reason an inventive chemist has to stop doing the work he loves just because the workplace sucks. An experienced bartender has at least one year at the Science Academy on his resume, on Cybertron.
[* * * * *]
Memorabilia
[* * * * *]
When the Decepticons left Earth after winning Cybertron, they took certain things with them:
TV series. Sets of Twister. Dr. Arkeville.
You know. The essentials.
The Decepticons on Cybertron were suitably impressed by this collection of memorabilia. For as many worlds as the Decepticons had conquered, for as many places as they'd been, rare were the species that fought them off and, in fact, invaded their world more successfully than their own attempt had been. The Decepticons pored over these little bits of memorabilia and treated them like treasure.
Earth quickly forgot the Decepticons as anything more than vague outlines of evil villains.
The Decepticons remembered Earth long after the last human colony died out. Through them, humans lived on through ancient movie references, Boardwalk and Park Place, and Bollywood music. Humanity was an organic species none of them had ever met but all of them could describe.
The Decepticons took Earth with them.
[* * * * *]
Litter
[* * * * *]
Early on, Hound rescued a dog. He found the loyalty of dogs to be charming, as well as their tenacity and sounds. Yes, he liked the sound of barking.
Understand that this was before the Autobots really understood much about Earth. It was an innocent mistake on his part. He hadn't realized that this dog wasn't so willing to follow him home just because she liked his smell. She also liked how comfy his interior was when he let her sleep inside him while he was in altmode. So he took her home and fed her, and he was happy when she plumped up immediately.
Well, things went as most humans would expect. Twelve healthy puppies and one very embarrassed Hound reported to the medbay for a vet check-up and upholstery sterilization respectively.
Not having the experience of humans with animal reproduction, Ratchet took one look at the dog and her pups - twelve carbon copies of the mother - and immediately accused Wheeljack of building a cloning machine.
[* * * * *]
Twin
[* * * * *]
There are spark twins. There are frametype twins. They are identical and/or similar in spark or frame, of course. The second is more common than the first, but both are fairly rare this far along in the war. The war has not been kind to them.
There is a third kind of twin. It's the twin of long experience, of fighting the same battles and surviving side-by-side, day by day, until you're not sure who's in which frame. Until you can feel your twin's spark no matter how many of the enemy's cut between you, until your fuel pumps beat at the same rhythm as you fight toward one another again. When one of you reaches for a gun, the other's already throwing over an ammo magazine; when one of you ducks, the other's already firing. You fight as one mech, your back always covered, and banter's unneeded because the words are unnecessary. You don't even finish each other's sentences anymore. When your mouth opens, your twin's speaking your words at the same time, in the same tone of voice, and your lips shape your twin's smile, identical in every way.
The first two kinds of twins are rare, and becoming rarer every day of the war. The third kind of twin pops up more and more often, now.
[* * * * *]
Gang
[* * * * *]
Several major cities throughout the world contacted the Autobots for help during the '80s and '90s. Common gang signs had started taking on a disturbing trend: Decepticon colors and propaganda were turning up. Strange technology showed up in the hands of the more dangerous punks, but even more benevolent gangs centered on neighborhood improvement and such were receiving Decepticon support.
The Autobots grimly set about blocking that support. They knew whom the Decepticons sympathized with, and they knew how easily a revolution could grow if left unchecked. Megatron had headed a gang once, after all.
[* * * * *]
Kiss
[* * * * *]
The dramatic dipped kiss wasn't something the Autobots or Decepticons had every encountered before. It looked very fun! Very passionate, quite romantic, and so over-the-top that of course everyone rushed to try it.
Uh, yeah. The reason nobody had encountered it before was because a lot of mechs on Cybertron had back-mounted altmode kibble. That whole dramatic leaning-back-over-someone's-arm required a delicate balancing act, or both mechs crashed to the ground. Very passionate, extremely over-the-top, but not really as romantic as they'd been hoping for.
[* * * * *]
Riptide
[* * * * *]
Seaspray will spend all day playing in a riptide when he finds one. He calls them 'rollercoasters of the sea.' He just paddles in, floats out, and paddles back in.
The other Autobots didn't get it until the Aerialbots discovered hurricanes. Sometimes it's fun to pit yourself again nature. It never gets tired or hurt by the struggle, and it's not actively out to destroy you. What better test of limits is there outside of battle?
[* * * * *]
Fish
[* * * * *]
When the Autobots scoped out the area around Autobot City, they didn't notice the lake. It was of no real strategic value during battle. It was too shallow to hamper anyone but Soundwave's Cassettes, and the river that fed it wouldn't provide enough hydroelectric energy to power a lightbulb. It didn't matter during the building and fortifying of the city.
It was there, however, and therefore eventually everybody got around to exploring around it during their off-duty time. Rumor had it that something special happened if a mech stood in the water for ten minutes without moving, too. Nobody would say what. Mechs like Tracks and Sunstreaker scoffed, but everyone got out to the lake at one time or another.
Any human watching would have been baffled by what they saw. The Autobots waded into the water and just stood there. The water stopped rippling after a while. The birds returned. The water spiders resumed skittering about on the water near the shore. Even the most skeptical, jaded, restless Autobot stopped folding his arms and sighing at about five minutes in. Instead, he would stare into the water at his feet.
A human wouldn't understand. Mechanical aquatic life is not cute and harmless. It is not wriggly and tiny. It fights tooth and maw to kill or be killed, and Cybertronians are familiar with the cautions if one should fall into the domain of such lifeforms: don't stay still, get out immediately, hide if escape isn't an option.
The minnows in the lake shallows swarm Autobots if they hold still enough, and teensy fish mouths kiss metal plating as they nibble. Every Autobot had to try it at least once.
[* * * * *]
Ghosts
[* * * * *]
The Decepticons and Autobots of Earth have utmost respect for places believed to be haunted. They know that data cannot be fully deleted once it goes beyond the control of a single system. Memories linger, and temporary backups made on automatic are as effective as a full save - except they are beyond conscious retrieval.
Ghosts are real, and the dead haunt the living. Nothing but an all-system wipe of the universe will clear them away for good. "You can't stop the signal," Mr. Universe says in Firefly: Serenity, and Cybertronians understand that all too well.
There are good reasons why so few communication mechs are still functional and/or sane.
[* * * * *]
Dance
[* * * * *]
Mirage and Wheeljack don't have racecar altmodes because they are fast. Other Autobots are faster, and their altmodes are more practical. Mirage and Wheeljack picked their altmodes out of the mistaken assumption that humans shared their love of dance: the tweak of wheels, the graceful veer as they make a turn, the weaving as one's partners round the track.
It should be noted that Cybertronian dances differ quite a bit from Earth dances. Their racing looks different, too.
Wildrider totally doesn't get why Mirage and Wheeljack think he's an uncultured heathen for trying to race them, but then again, Wildrider only knows Earth's customs.
[* * * * *]
Erotica
[* * * * *]
Earth has no idea - no idea - how hard Cybertronians side-eye the various attempts from political, religious, and whatnot groups to define and control erotica. Censorship, from a planet overflowing in advertisements that lovingly pan over car curves, mechanic shops whose garage doors open right up into the street, and oh those strange little humans and their double standards.
[* * * * *]
Taboo
[* * * * *]
Taboos change depending on the culture. Cultures can grow up around any group of people. Thus the taboos of the Autobots in the Ark are different than the Autobots left on Cybertron, and the Decepticons on Earth don't even know where to start with the weirdness that is Shockwave's Tower.
Some taboos are easily explained. For instance, everybody knows that touching Ironhide's guns is forbidden because guns and Ironhide are enough of an explanation for anyone. Go ahead and try to find an explanation for why it's taboo to talk about Red Alert's giant teddy bear-print blankie, however. Just try. It's there, it's piled in the corner of bridge, but nobody talks about the Security blanket.
It's taboo to bring up Shockwave's incredible losing streak to the Autobot femmes' guerrilla tactics. Considering how many genericons he shot before the troops started shutting up, the reason for this taboo is well known. Less well known is the reason for the ban on mentioning that Elita One's location is well-known whenever she leads her unit in a daring raid of the Tower's washracks, yet no one takes advantage of this information. It might have to do with them holding at gunpoint whatever unfortunate Decepticons were in the washracks at the time, forcing them to help in the post-wash buffing. Sometimes there's a line to be held prisoner.
[* * * * *]
Monster
[* * * * *]
Vortex is a sadistic, psychotic caricature of a cartoon villain. He violates every standard there is and goes so far his own faction is terrified of falling into his hands. They don't even like being in the same room as him. He is barely under control at any given time. He cackles and giggles and kills. His job as torturer and interrogator was really just tacked on to how he is normally. Might as well make us of what they got, went the Decepticons' reasoning.
Ask Vortex who he's scared of, and he won't answer. His visor will flicker if Jazz smiles across the battlefield at him, however.
Vortex is afraid of Jazz. Laughing, smiling, friendly Jazz, whose faction depends on him and whose comrades actively seek his company. That Autobot makes Vortex's rotors twitch for flight and his hands open in surrender as he backs away, preferring to flee instead of fight.
So you tell me. Who is the monster?
[* * * * *]
Candy
[* * * * *]
Energon goodies aren't really the candy of Cybertron. Cybertronians don't register taste the same way as humans. 'Sweet' isn't a sensation they get.
On the other hand, the rush of pleasure from getting a tiny, special package translates well between human and mech. Goodies give mechs that rush, even if the taste isn't sweet.
[* * * * *]
Pomeranian
[* * * * *]
The most popular pets on Cybertron before the war were round balls of metal that floated. It was the shape that mechs like. They were just so…grabbable. They could be held in the palm of a mech's hand. It was cute the way they'd hum happily when cupped in someone's hands.
Get them excited enough, and they'd bounce around the ceilings out of reach while embarrassed owners asked for help catching them. Pedestrians were often charmed by the sight of such pets being taken for walks, floating along overhead while their owners held onto the leash like a human child with a balloon. Adult pets were large and dully polished, but the tiny bubbles were the cutest, following along in swarms bobbling around the adults.
Irresponsible owners who didn't keep their pets on a leash caused too many accidents when flyers hit the poor things midair.
[* * * * *]
Supercalifragilfragilisticexpialidocious
[* * * * *]
Decepticon scientists were convinced for years that this was a real word with actual scientific significance, because Perceptor doesn't sing. He just says the lyrics in a deadpan voice while working. Soundwave's spies picked him up saying it all the time in his lab on Earth. They couldn't figure out what he was referring to, but it had to be important.
It had to be. It had so many syllables and he kept on talking about it and arrrgh what the fragging Pit is Supercalifragilfragilisticexpialidocious?!
[* * * * *]
Hero
[* * * * *]
Heroes are the stuff of legends among the Autobots.
Heroes are the stuff of mockery among the Decepticons.
The Decepticons don't consider sacrifice of the self to be noble. They consider it stupid. Taking on insurmountable odds is idiocy, not admirable. Standing your ground is suicide, not sacrifice.
Cowards are laughed at, too, but survivors are the ones doing the mockery. Cowardice is at least practical. Say what you will about the Decepticons' underlying ethical system, but listen. There are no heroes chiming in to defend themselves when the mockery starts.
That's because they're all dead.
[* * * * *]
Muppets
[* * * * *]
At one point or another throughout the war, every mech has lost his voice. Some mechs get creative while it's gone.
Optimus Prime hones his ability to communicate via body language. The Disappointed Look (TM) really became a thing, then.
Starscream can communicate entire volumes of contempt through his wings. The Decepticons actually prefer his voice. It's less cutting.
Megatron can speak with his hands. Most of it's short commands learned in the close confines of the mines, where drilling equipment deafened everybody, but he has a certain poetic flair that takes it beyond mere commands.
Jazz does interpretive dance. He doesn't even need to have his voice gone to do that, however.
Ratchet holds up premade cue cards. Pray they don't become scattered during surgery.
The Constructicons interpret for each other, which is less helpful than one might think when Long Haul is complaining through Hook, or Scavenger is trying to explain to Megatron what Scrapper wants to say.
Soundwave has his Cassettes. He's a priority for vocal repairs, just because of that.
Red Alert and the alarm system. Enough said.
Skywarp uses sock puppets.
[* * * * *]
Titan
[* * * * *]
Excuse you, don't you have any manners whatsoever? Don't talk about the relative sizes of people. It's rude.
Cybertronian's are usually taller than the aliens they meet, but they really hate it when they're on the small side. Nothing bothers them more than looking up at another species. They will go out of their way to avoid systems populated by larger beings.
Yet, oddly, most of the Autobots haven't figured out how that filters into how they, in turn, treat smaller people. It's good manners not to talk about relative sizes, but the unspoken assumption is that bigger is better. After all, upgrades always make a mech bigger and bulkier, right? It's even there in the language of labels, spoken or not: a small mech is a minibot, but a huge mech is a Supreme. It doesn't get much more obvious than that which one is considered better.
[* * * * *]
Smooth
[* * * * *]
Swindle is something of a legend on Cybertron. Even the Law Enforcers from back before the war have grudging admiration for him. He can bargain his way out of anything. He's so smooth charges slick right off him. The Autobots have a saying: "The cuffs can't close." Rumor has it that it came from Swindle charming his captors over and over again into letting him off the hook.
The mech has a warning label as a name, and yet he continues to be Cybertron's best businessmech. Conmech, quite frequently, and buyers are left cheated more often than not, yet still people keep returning to him. He has everything or can get it for a fee, and nobody can resist him in the end.
He'll talk Death into lending him a few more years when his life comes due. Not one person doubts he'll set up shop selling air conditioning units in the Pit when he arrives.
[* * * * *]
Syringe
[* * * * *]
Humans are afraid of needles, sometimes. It's something about the pinch of pain, but mostly it's the psychological factor of seeing a sharp metal tube piercing the skin, raising it up over the metal as it slides under, the feeling of cool, smooth violation while the sharp point seeks the vein. It can be easy, smoothly thrusting into the vein and barely leaking any blood. There's a trace of red where the skin has opened, and the vein is punctured instead of ripped, so withdrawal is a quick, painless procedure more of the silvery slip of metal pulling out than nerves registering anything. A cotton swap pinched over the wound, and it heals with only a small scar.
Then there are the bad pokes. The skin is too tough or the needle is too dull; flesh tears instead of slices. The needle sinks too deep or probes around under the skin like a grotesque eel searching for prey. The search can drag on and on, every movement of the needle pulling the hole wider. Veins roll under the skin, disappearing into the flesh, and the needle noses into raw nerves looking for blood, looking for entrance. When it's finally found, blood can balloon out from an improper piercing, creating ugly, violent bags of bruises under the skin. Inject instead of draw, and whatever's supposed to go into the vein will run cold and menacing through the bloodstream, chilling the heart and creating its own lump over the needle.
Even if everything goes well, there's still the fact that the needle is there to take or add something to the bloodstream, and the poor human impaled on the end of it might not be in control of what.
Cybertronians sympathize with the humans who fear needles, but their own fear isn't of physical fluids pumping in or out. Their fears collect under a single term: mnemosurgery. A mnemosurgeon can inject new thought patterns, change behaviors, add ideas. A really good mnemosurgeon can take away a mind, and the terror would wipe clean away as needles plunge into the brain module.
Oh, yes. Cybertronians understand the fear of needles.
Sometimes, they even remember why.
[* * * * *]
Illness
[* * * * *]
Cybertronian illnesses are mostly engineered.
They've mutated, of course, let out into the population to acquire code the way transmittable viruses in sentient beings always do. The early illnesses of Cybertron were devastating in their time but are mostly harmless by now. It's only when automatic updates fail or a mech's antivirus crashes that they become a concern. Most of them still aren't that bad. Mutations and advancements in technology have neutralized a lot of them. How threatening is a virus that deadlines cable hook-up to the entertainment block? That stuff's wireless now. And the virus that used to send droves of mechs to the clinics with locked axles now gave people the giggles for days as their axles became ticklish until the virus ran its course.
That doesn't make engineering the original virus any less of a crime. Cybertronians dislike viruses that target their computers, but it's an attack when it actually targets their bodies. Computer viruses are really only a mutated piece of code from turning into something capable of infecting a sentient mechanical being. That slag isn't even remotely funny.
Earth doesn't make them happy. Human technology is just primitive enough to be underestimated, and some of the squishes consider it entertainment to practice hacking and virus-engineering. Entertainment. Nobody but a murdering sadist considers viruses a viable pastime for amusement's sake. The Autobots and Decepticons learn the hard way that some humans will attempt to make them sick just for the fun of it. To find out if they can do it, to see how the aliens react, to test their skills against living mechanical minds.
Never have there been such strong antivirus programs created for the sole purpose scanning email attachments.
[* * * * *]
Luminous
[* * * * *]
Carly and Spike got married on a perfectly lovely day full of thunder, lashing wind, a downpour of rain, lighting everywhere, and don't forget the tornado warning.
It was a small enough ceremony that everyone could make it despite that, although the women arrived with their dresses soaked to the thigh and the men looked strangled by their ties. Central Iowa was used to it, however. Everyone took a turn through the church's small bathrooms, and they were ready to begin.
Then, fifteen minutes before the ceremony was supposed to begin, the power went out. Someone sighed. Someone else laughed, because what else could you do? Spike looked downright depressed.
Bumblebee patted him on the head. "Don't worry. We've got this." There were benefits to having a best man who was actually a robot. Bumblebee delicately picked his way down the aisle and tapped on one of the huge windows. Those were the reason Carly had agreed to have her wedding in her hometown, because she and Spike had originally wanted to have the ceremony in the Ark.
Instead, the attending robots had clumped together outside the windows to watch. It wasn't quite being in the audience, but the original plan had been to have the reception as a picnic outside. So much for plans.
That didn't mean everything was ruined. It just meant the plans had to change.
Even as the minister returned with the Christmas candelabra lit to a gentle candlelight glow, light flooded through the windows. Headlights, biolights, running board lights, and a lone hurricane lamp Wheeljack had picked up from somewhere. Carly walked down the aisle lit blue and red from the emergency vehicles crowding the windows on one side of the church, and she'd never looked so beautiful.
The Autobots were obscurely pleased by the whole affair, weather and all. Cybertronian ceremonies feature light more often than not, and the wedding felt so much more real when they could share the light with their friends.
[* * * * *]
Gay
[* * * * *]
The official politically correct term is 'homosexual.' That's what's used in polite company, so that's what the Autobots learned. It took years for Blaster to catch wind of the slang.
By then, Raoul had been dealing with street harassment for years, nodding and laughing off the comments of being, "gay for his car." Tracks hadn't thought anything of it. Raoul never seemed offended, and Tracks thought it only fitting his company made the human so happy that everyone commented on their gaiety.
He himself was too dignified to ever mention Raoul's presence made him equally happy. He assumed the man knew. He would certainly be miserable if they were separated. He was "gay for his human," as the catcallers might say.
Blaster found out the real meaning of the word. He told Tracks. Stunned Tracks asked Raoul if it were true.
Raoul gave him a perfect look of, "Well, duh."
For that matter, most of the Autobots gave him that same look.
[* * * * *]
Legos
[* * * * *]
There aren't toys on Cybertron, not how Earth knows them. Things like Legos don't exist.
It may not be possible to describe how excited the Constructicons got when they discovered the building toys of Earth. There were things! That could be built with! That were real, and not diagrams, and weren't mock-up models! That were explicitly meant to be turned into creative constructs! That could spread as far and wide as imagination allowed! That came with tiny figurines to be played with!
Not only could the Constructicons build entire worlds, but they were actually meant to play god.
Yeah, the reason the Constructicons didn't appear at first in G1? They were off playing with Legos.
[* * * * *]