A/N - I just wanted to say I know I said Sid would be a main character, well his big part is coming up very shortly, most likely starting in the chapter after next.
Chapter Eleven
"Mum...Mum...Mum..."
Jo awoke to someone whining in her ear and a finger poking into her arm.
"Ellie?" she mumbled as she stretched and turned over.
"Yes Mum, it's me. Tash has just text and is going to the mall. Please can I go?" Ellie begged.
"Hmmm...what time is it?" Jo asked as she slowly pushed herself up off the couch and blinked blearily around.
"It's like two in the afternoon. I'll be back by six...I promise!" Ellie pleaded.
Jo blinked again, trying to wake herself up and then stared at her watch.
"How long have I been asleep for?" she asked, frowning.
"Three hours-ish," Ellie shrugged.
"Why didn't you wake me?" Jo asked.
"Because you looked so tired," Ellie said honestly. "And I know you haven't been sleeping much recently."
"Ellie Danville, you should have woken me," Jo scolded. "Who made your lunch?"
"Mum, I can make my own lunch," Ellie said in offence.
"Such a grown up young lady," Jo said smiling at her daughter.
"So can I go then?" Ellie asked. "If I'm such a grown up young lady?"
"Ohhhh, yes I suppose so," Jo nodded. "But make sure you're back by six. Not one minute after!"
"Yes!" Ellie cheered. "You're the best, Mum!" she added, giving Jo a big cuddle.
"Love you too," Jo smiled.
"You should get some more sleep while I'm out," Ellie stated as she checked her bag to make sure she had everything.
"I sleep perfectly well at night," Jo replied, bemused at her daughter's motherly advice.
"No you don't," Ellie said as she straightened up and stared directly at her mother. "I hear you Mum. You think I don't but I can hear you tossing and turning, crying out in your sleep and then you just get up and watch TV in the lounge."
Jo stared in shock at her daughter. She was horrified that Ellie had heard all these things going on. She was a terrible mother.
"I'm fine, Ellie. You go out and have fun with your friends," Jo encouraged.
"Maybe I should just stay in," Ellie suddenly said. "Would you like some company, Mum?"
Jo swallowed and suddenly felt the urge to cry, just to break down and tell her daughter everything. To explain how she felt dead inside, that her heart was broken and had been from the very moment Mac Taylor had disappeared from the world.
"No, I'm fine," she smiled cheerily. "You go out and have fun with your friends."
Ellie hesitated for a moment and then grinned. "Okay Mum, well have fun by yourself."
The teenager grabbed her bag and then headed out of the door, already squealing excitedly into her mobile phone. Jo watched her go and then sat back against the couch, feeling a tear drop down her cheek. Yes... by herself. She was always by herself. No-one ever stayed too long with her. And she'd grown accustomed to her own company. Jo stood and walked to her bedroom, knowing exactly what she was searching for. She pulled open her drawer and rummaged for the item she sought. She smiled slightly as she found it and then slowly pulled it out. It was a deep purple, silk scarf, given to her by the man she loved on their three month anniversary. Jo let the fabric fall between her fingers, closing her eyes and imagining he was there with her at that very moment.
"Come back to me..." she whispered out into the empty room as her tears stained the dark fabric even darker.
Lindsay moved mechanically around the store, walking past the shelves of food and forgetting what was even on her list. She paced the same route around the aisles again and again, working on autopilot, occasionally chucking something in without so much as glancing at it.
"Mama," giggled Lucy from the seat in the trolley.
"Yes, Luce. It's Mummy," Lindsay murmured as she paused and stared at her daughter.
The infant was so happy, so oblivious to the cruel and evil world out there. A world that could destroy lives, rip people apart, tear them limb from limb and scatter the pieces so far and wide. How could she ever teach her beautiful little girl that life wasn't always fair? That sometimes it wasn't possible to succeed, that not everyone found their happy ever afters.
"What shall we buy for tea then?" Lindsay asked her daughter and then turned slowly to face the shelves.
The products all blurred into one, all the colours and labels becoming an amalgamation that was impossible to read or decipher. Like trace. Like evidence. Impossible to decipher and yet vital to living. Food was a necessity, without it life would end. Evidence was a necessity, without it crimes wouldn't be solved. And yet Lindsay found she hadn't the will or the nerve to pick out an item. Just like she hadn't had the power or talent to work out the evidence.
"Mama cry!" Lucy said sadly from the trolley and looked upset.
"No Luce, Mummy's fine. She's not upset," Lindsay smiled as she focused on her daughter and suddenly felt relief.
She had to look to the future now, there was no point in going back, one couldn't change the past no matter how much one wanted to.
"You know what, Luce?" Lindsay said as she went and lifted her daughter out of the seat and held her close, breathing in her scent. Calming herself with the contact of her daughter.
"I think maybe we should get take out tonight and come shopping another day," Lindsay nodded against her daughter.
"Miss, are you alright there?"
Lindsay looked up to see a worried looking store clerk staring at her.
"Yes I'm fine thank you, just fine," Lindsay said. She suddenly realised that she must look a complete wreck for the clerk to be asking if she was okay.
"You sure I can't call someone for you?" the clerk asked worriedly.
"No, no there's no-one you can call," Lindsay said and then turned, making her way out of the store.
Once outside in the cold day's air she breathed a sigh of relief. She needed to get home, needed to be away from the public. It wasn't doing her any good being surrounded by people and yet feeling so alone.
Sid sat in the quiet cafe and stared out of the window at the heavy sky and the slight bit of rain that was now starting to spit down on the sidewalk and the glass separating him from the outside world. The sky was grey and dark, just as Sid felt within himself. Hope was a marvellous thing he realised but when there was none, when it finally ran out then one was left with that awful feeling of despair in the pit of your stomach. An emptiness that was so cold and lonely.
He looked up as the bell above the door jingled and a couple came in holding hands. They were very obviously in love, stealing glances at one another and laughing excitedly together. Sid smiled at them and then looked away, tearing his gaze from the happy people. It was good to see there was still some innocence, some love left in this wretched world. Evil plagued him and his friends... it always had done with their work... but now more than ever.
The steam that had been rising from his coffee when it had been set down on his table had long since gone, despite him not having even touched the drink. He didn't know why he'd chosen coffee as his choice of beverage. Force of habit he supposed. A beer would have been more appropriate for the mood he was in, or even a strong glass of scotch. But he was not in a bar and this small cafe didn't hold a liquor license. Perhaps he'd pop into one on the way home, or he could even drop in at the store and buy something for home. But then, that wasn't the best of ideas. He didn't want to have that type of temptation lurking around his home.
He stared back out of the window and noticed it was raining heavily now, the shoppers and passers-by hurrying quickly to and from the places they needed to be. All had their umbrellas up, all greys and blacks making the world feel even more gloomy and depressing than it already was on this grey and dismal day. The thick rain made it hard to distinguish figures, just blurry shapes hurrying past.
Sid wondered what his girls were up to. He might ring them once he got home. He hadn't spoken to them in a while, they were always so busy with their own lives. Amy was now dating a guy called Ribbon. Yes, Ribbon, the most ridiculous name Sid had ever heard for a man. He wasn't sure if the guy had named himself that, or if it was actually what he'd had the misfortune of being called since birth. Sid had never met him but he had the feeling he probably wasn't going to like Ribbon. Cally had just started college that year. She'd been nervous about leaving home, not that that affected him. Both his girls had stayed living with their Mum after the divorce and Sid had hardly seen them since that time. He missed the good old days of having a family to come home to. People who dearly cared about you and missed you if you were even five minutes late. No, he had no-one. His apartment was an empty hub meant just for him.
Hawkes sighed wearily as he sat down at the kitchen table and stared at the meal in front of him. It was a TV dinner lasagne. He'd never had a TV dinner in his entire life, he knew how bad they were for you and as a doctor he couldn't abide putting unhealthy things into his body. He stared down at the revolting food, poking at it with his fork, mesmerised by its lucidity, despite supposedly having a thick and creamy sauce. He didn't quite understand why people ate these on a regular basis. They were easy to cook; he guessed that was their appeal. Humans were so lazy nowadays. If one just took an extra few minutes out of the day then instead of eating this slop one might be eating a fine home-cooked meal, filling and nutritious.
Hawkes snorted in amusement as he realised what a hypocrite he was. Here he was eating a TV dinner because he couldn't be bothered to cook. Because he didn't have the energy or the motivation to so he was left with the slop. Like a pig on a farm. Hawkes poked at it again with his fork and wondered what was even used to make it. It looked like no meat he had ever seen. Not that he was an expert of course. He only knew about human bodies. Lazy, lacklustre humans who'd do anything just for five extra minutes in front of the TV, even sacrificing their health to do so.
"Shel, what are you doing?" a quiet voice asked and Hawkes looked up to see Camille staring at him from the doorway. He hadn't even heard her come in.
"Dinner," Hawkes murmured, shrugging his shoulders.
Camille approached him slowly and stared at him in concern, head tilted to one side.
"What is it?" she asked softly and then went to the side and picked up the cardboard box. "How much did this cost, Shel?"
"Not much. Dollar or two," Hawkes shrugged.
"A dollar?" Camille repeated in shock. "Shel you are not eating this!" she said sternly and took the plate away from him.
"Camille, it's fine. It's food," Hawkes muttered.
"No, no it's not," she replied, scraping it into the bin. "No dinner should only cost a dollar. Surely that told you what it was?"
"I just wanted something quick and easy," Hawkes replied, realising that what he was saying went against everything he'd just been thinking.
"Well then I will cook you something," Camille replied. "But you are not eating a one dollar lasagne dinner."
"I'm sure it's not that bad," Hawkes shrugged.
"I'm a nurse, Shel, and I am telling you, it's bad," she nodded as she opened the fridge and started to pull out some items.
"Whatever," Hawkes replied and then sat at the table with his head in his hands. It took him a while to realise the banging around him had stopped and that Camille was sat beside him at the table staring worriedly at him.
"Shel, talk to me," she whispered. "Please..."
Hawkes looked up, his deep brown eyes soft and melancholic.
"I feel so lost," he murmured and let a tear fall down his cheek.
Camille stared in horror at the man she loved. She'd never seen him cry in all the years she'd known him.
"Then let me be the light to guide you home," she whispered. "Because I'll always be here for you, baby."
"I know," Hawkes replied quietly. "I just can't...not right now. I can't..."
Camille nodded and then took his hand and squeezed it.
"Well then don't be lost for long," she said sadly. "I miss you."
Hawkes nodded and let more tears roll down his face.
Adam sat in the park with a cup of hot chocolate in his hand and watched as life around him continued on in the way life always seemed to. Birds flew overhead, black shapes against the slightly lighter sky. He followed them with his eyes and wondered what it must be like to be able to fly, to take flight and escape his life, escape the world and all the problems that went hand in hand with it. He'd like to be a bird, just a small one, something insignificant. Like a sparrow, a small speckly sparrow that minded his own business and camouflaged in with his surroundings so wasn't seen, wasn't known.
Adam shook his head and very nearly laughed at himself. A bird. Who'd want to be a bird? They crapped in the sky where anyone could see them. Adam smiled as he watched a little girl and an elderly lady, presumably her grandmother, feed the few ducks that were out on this cold day. Adam was pleased he'd warn his winter coat. It was supposed to be summer now and yet the day felt like it could have been November. It seemed the entire world and its weather was in a dismal mood.
He sipped at his hot chocolate. It was still far too hot to drink and he yelped as the tip of his tongue got scalded by the hot liquid. That was just typical. He was always so clumsy, so awkward, so unnecessary he sometimes thought. Even when he found a lead, or solved a trace mystery he still felt so pathetic. He was never going to be one of those cool kids, not like the others. They could all do other things. Jo had a psychology major, Sid was once a top chef, Danny and Lindsay were detectives and CSIs and Hawkes was both a doctor and CSI too. No, he was the only one who was just a lab tech. He hadn't even made CSI yet.
Adam gasped in shock as he realised he was thinking of himself. Of his future. Of his career. His face turned to one of a grimace as he bitterly scolded himself for being so selfish. And at a time like this too. When the team had lost everything...all he could think of himself. A drop of rain suddenly fell onto his face and he looked up. Thick droplets were starting to come down and the sky had turned heavy. A slow rumble of thunder could be heard and when Adam looked down he noticed the old lady and the little girl were no longer there. They'd dropped the bread they'd been carrying in their rush to get off and the ducks were coming out of the water, waggling their tails and quacking excitedly at the prospect of a good dinner and some lovely rain.
Adam smirked and then he stood up just as the heavens opened on top of him. He hated the cold; it was nearly always cold in New York. He missed his home. He watched as the rain began to overflow his cup of chocolaty water. It was no use to him now. He chucked it into the trash and then hurried away through the trees towards the exit.
Danny sat on the bed and stared out of the window as the rain started pounding against the glass. It shook slightly in its frame and Danny wondered at the sheer power of Mother Nature. Lindsay was somewhere out there with Lucy, he knew that and he couldn't help but feel worried for them. He couldn't lose them too. Not now, not after everything. Danny stifled a cry and then felt a surge of anger run through his body. Slowly he got up and made his way into the lounge, walking over to the bookshelf and plucking something off it. He stared at the object as he collapsed into the armchair by the window.
It was a picture. A very old picture he had had now for a good ten years. It showed two smiling men, one in a pale grey suit and the other in an officer's uniform, hat held securely in his left hand. Both were grinning excitedly into the camera and the suited man had an arm thrown casually over the other's shoulders, despite his shorter height. It had been taken on the day Flack had made detective. Danny remembered going down to the precinct to visit him and that was when the picture had been taken. By Aiden. She was already working at the lab at that time, as was he. They'd gone down to collect Flack after his shift and then to head out and celebrate. It had always been the three of them. The best of friends.
Danny once again stifled a cry against the cruelness of life. The three of them. Now one. Now only him. Flack's beaming face smiled out of the picture at him, blue eyes shining, black hair wild and unruly. Danny had forever teased him that if he'd had green eyes he'd have looked just like Harry Potter. Flack hadn't heard of the character back then, he'd never really been into reading. But Aiden had thought it was funny. They'd giggled about it together just to annoy Flack. In the end Flack had been forced to read the first book and it had made him cry. Big old tough Don Flack, crying at a Harry Potter book.
Danny frowned as he noticed something on the glass and tried to rub it off. More of it was appearing and yet he couldn't fathom from where. He coughed and choked and then realised he was crying. He let his tears fall, uncaring if Lindsay should come home and see. First Aiden and now Flack. His two best friends gone. He looked up as a key turned in the lock.
"Linds..." Danny choked as his soaking wet wife and daughter came in.
"Hey. We got caught in the rain. How are you..." Lindsay stopped as she saw his red eyes and the tears on his cheeks. "Oh Danny..."
"I'm fine. Go get yourself and Luce dry," Danny murmured.
"Flack will be okay, I know he will," Lindsay said sadly.
"It's been two weeks, Linds," Danny said coldly. "We both know what that means. For both of them."
A/N - So, bit of a mean chapter? ;-) I'll try and update quickly!