"Beca, why are you being like this? I can't do this anymore. I can't handle this. I love you but I'm just so tired. I'm too tired to do this anymore." I looked at her for the first time in a really long time and I could see in her eyes exactly what she was talking about. She stood up abruptly and swung her legs back over the railing we were sitting on. I followed smoothly. "Stop." She said dropping her head and watching the rocks skip away as she kicked them. "Just don't Beca."
"What are you saying Lindsey? My stomach twisting when her green eyes locked on mine. Her long dark brown hair blowing in the wind. Reminded me of a movie. She looked away before slowly moving her hand to the inside pocket of her coat. She pulled out an envelope with my name scripted perfectly on the front. "What's this?" I asked taking it hesitantly.
"Go home and read it." She stepped forward resting her hand on my elbow. Her lips pressed into my cheek, the connection colder than ever before. "Go home." I stared at her for a long moment before turning toward the trail that led back to my car.
It hurt, every part of my body hurt. I felt like I was choking. My throat and chest burned so bad. I coughed and gagged trying to clear my air way as I blinked my eyes open. "Hey honey calm down." Megan pushed my hand back down on the bed brushing a strain of hair from my face. "Let's get a nurse in here and see if we can get that damn thing out of your throat." Alex ran for a nurse and they removed the tube and the rush of air stung my lungs. My mouth felt like I hadn't had a drink of water in days, I looked over both my sisters. Taking note of the bags under their eyes, the puffy redness and their pale complexions. I closed my eyes and grimaced at the feeling of swallowing. The car accident flashing through my mind.
"Chlo-Chloe?" I croaked as I attempted to sit up before Alex shoving me back down.
"If you get out of this bed Beca Skylar Mitchell, I will personally break both of your damn legs." Alex's eyes glaring at me with the older sister authority. "She's alive. Just focus on you for now." Her eyes softened. She was the oldest but no one ever said she was the least emotional.
"Oh thank the god I don't believe in!" Jared exclaimed coming around the corner with coffee for our siblings and himself. He kissed my forehead. "You almost had me praying there for a minute tiny one." He smiled that sweet smile of his.
"Is dad here?" I whispered because anything louder would have hurt too much. Jared averted his eyes. Alex turned around to get a nurse and Megan cleared her throat.
"No, he's in New York for a meeting." His eyes sad as he knew how painful that would be for me to hear. Jared sent Megan and Alex back to his house for showers and food. I knew it was a ploy so he could get to talk to me alone. As soon as I knew the girls were gone I started crying. "She's alive, she's not awake but she's alive." I was tracing shapes with my eyes on the ceiling listening to his words. "Chloe suffered serious head trauma. I couple broken ribs. They had to go in and relive pressure from the swelling in her brain a while ago." My eyes shot to his face, realizing his beard was outgrown passed his normal hipster look.
"How long was I out?" He sat down running his hand through his hair.
"It was two weeks ago Skylar." His voice barely audible. He watched my facial expression twist in horror.
"I hurt really bad, can you get me a doctor?" I asked slowly rolling onto my side to face away from him. I could hear his chair scoot back and his feet shuffle across the floor. I closed my eyes praying that this was all some twisted messed up drunken dream I was having but the overwhelming guilt told me it wasn't.
"Ms. Mitchell. You ready to go home today?" The short Asian doctor in front of me was smiling one of those professional smiles but I could see how tired she was. "You're functioning perfectly considering." She shrugged with a teasing smile. "How's the pain level today?"
"Like a three and a half." I looked at my brother who was unpacking clothes from a bag. "Can we please go get a beer." The doctor laughed but then shook her head.
"Ms. Mitchell, you shouldn't mix your medication and alcohol. Maybe you should lay off drinking for a bit. Isn't that what got you here in the first place?" I nodded with a little disappointment in my eyes. "Get dressed and then I have some release forms for you to sign and you're good to go." Jared followed the doctor out the door. I stood and walked to the pile of clothes in the chair next to my bed. Black skinny jeans, a black tank top, purple flannel and a pair of chucks. I smiled to myself knowing that my brother knew me so well. I walked slowly to the door, still kind of sore and stretching muscles I hadn't used in too long. "Here, I need you to sign this. These are your medications, use them only as needed. You'll be sore for a few more days but you should be back to normal in no time." I took the clipboard, scribbling something that probably didn't even look like my name. "You're good to go. Come back in two weeks for a brief checkup. Otherwise I don't want to see you in here again. Understand me?" I nodded before something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. The doctor rested her hand on my shoulder. "She hasn't woken up yet, but she can still hear you if you want to stop in and say something." Jared pushed me forward gently when I hesitated.
"I- don't know what to say." I confessed. I had too many words and emotions swirling inside of me. I walked to the door and stopped.
"Just let her know you're here." Doctor Yang said only loud enough for me to hear. The last words Chloe said to me flashed through my mind. I had to tell each foot to take one step one in front of the other. The doctor closed the door behind me to give me privacy. There was an empty chair beside her, I looked around to see a couple bouquets of sunflowers. Otherwise the room was empty, the beeping of the machines made the air feel thick. I sat down as quietly as possible. Chloe looked as if she were peacefully sleeping. I reached out and brushed a stray piece of hair from her face. Trying to avoid staring at the bandages on her head. She looked so fragile laying there in nothing but the hospital gown. I pulled her blanket up a little higher. My face stung, I touched my cheek realizing that the burning was my tears.
"Beca Mitchell pull yourself together." I muttered sitting back in my chair, trying to get a decent breath of air. I leaned forward again and took Chloe's hand. Realizing she had been alone this whole time. "Chloe, I don't know if you can hear me. Bu-but I'm here. I'm here. I'm sorry it took so long." Tears falling at full capacity. "Chloe Beale, I'm so sorry. Please wake up. Please. I know you're probably tired. I know it's probably easier just to let go. But please, keep fighting." The lump in my throat grew too big for words. I sat in silence for a moment before putting her hand back on the bed and walking out. "Ready?" I asked avoiding my brother's protective stare. He fell in step behind me. I strolled out into the sunlight, enjoying the only true warmth I'd felt since the accident. "Where's your car bro?" I asked scanning the parking lot for his black Acura. He tossed me a set of keys. I clicked the lock button, raising an eyebrow when I saw the lights flash on a BMW convertible. "What the hell?"
"Get well present from father." He didn't even try to mask his disgust. He was the least forgiving when it came to our father's absence. No matter what excuse he used that week.
"Shit." I got in the vehicle and turned the engine on. Instantly loving the feeling of the revving motor. I pushed the button to put the top down before looking down at the radio. "Bluetooth? Awesome." I connected my phone and put on one of the thousands of mixes I had. We drove listening to music and enjoying the day. A twist of guilt in my stomach as the image of Chloe came into my mind. "Hey there's something I need to do." I said as we both got out of the car. Jared looked at me eyes swimming with concern. "I won't drink. I just," I paused, "need to do something." I followed him inside, Megan passed out with her head in her boyfriend's lap. Alex in the kitchen arguing with her boyfriend about something.
"Hey, you're home." Alex rushed over, hugging me a little too hard causing me to grunt. "Oh shit. Sorry." Her face reflecting sadness and worry. I spun around quickly, startled by a loud thud from the living room.
"Oww." Megan moaned from the floor, lying flat on her stomach. "That hurt." Her voice whiny from grogginess. She got up slowly and walked over to me. "Good to have you home." She rubbed my shoulder. "How are you?" I sat down at the bar stool, resting my face in my hands.
"Guys, I feel like I'm missing something. Like when there is a word on the tip of your tongue but you can't remember it for the life of you." I lifted my face just in time to catch my siblings exchange a secretive glance. "I'm going to go rest upstairs." I drug my feet across the floor and winced in pain when I reached up for the cord to the loft steps. Pulling myself up, something felt off right away. I looked around noticing that half my journals were missing. Including the one Chloe had me read from. I stuffed a few in a bag and tossed it out of the loft window in hopes of avoiding any questions. "Hey guys? Umm, where did the rest of my journals go?" Jared sighed.
"Told you she would notice." His voice angry. Megan elbowed him in the ribs.
"What are you talking about?" Alex tried to lie but the lack of eye contact was obvious. I rolled my eyes and walked outside to retrieve my bag and drove away. Slowly driving in the direction of my apartment. I stopped by the office to get a new parking sticker. Then ran off to my apartment. I pushed the door open slowly taking in all the music equipment on the tables and desk. Papers all over also. I began to straighten everything up. I opened the fridge and reached for a soda before deciding on a beer instead. I slumped onto the couch, unzipping my bag to remove the stack of journals. I popped a painkiller and I drank my beer and began reading. I got up and grabbed the rest of the twelve pack out of the fridge before posting up on the couch again, turning page after page. Searching. Always searching. Always looking for you. I got through all of my beer and half of the notebooks before nodding off.
"I love you Beca, I've loved you since the moment I saw you in the quad on your first day." Her voice broke at the end of her sentence. "I love you Beca Mitchell." I couldn't see her face but I knew her voice. "Beca, don't leave me."
I sat up beads of sweat built up on my forehead. Looking around feeling a little disoriented, until I realized I had fallen asleep on the couch. The sun had set and my apartment was freezing. I stood up, knocking the book in my lap onto the floor. Bending over I noticed an entry that looked if it had been written while I was hammered because the ink was smudged and the handwriting was extremely inconsistent. "I don't know how to find the words to tell you this. But I think it's you. I mean… forever. I think you're it for me. I wish I knew how to tell you this. I just keep giving you all these lame ass mixes. I'm sure you're getting tired of them by now. I just want to wake up to those sapphire eyes every morning for the rest of my life. I've never been able to express my feelings. Most people don't think I have any actually. It's different with you, I don't have to speak you just seem to know. You know me better than I do. But I wish for once in my damn life I could just verbalize the thoughts in my head. I'm so tired, I'm just ready to be done with this. I'm ready to start a new journey…
I love you. Always."
I flipped back a few more pages, standing in the center of my living room. Scanning as many pages as I could as quickly as possible, I couldn't remember writing any of it. "What the hell?" I sat on the edge of the couch feeling overwhelmed, my chest began to constrict in that panic kind of way. My hands shaking violently, stumbling slowly into the kitchen, jerking the fridge door wide open I remembered it had been a long time since I last was home and everything in the fridge was probably expired. Shuffling to the closet in my room I put a light jacket on and locked my door on the way out of the apartment. Journal clutched in my hand I wandered down the block to the late night café.
"Hey hun, long time no see. How are you?" The brunette behind the counter asked, still focused on wiping down the counters. Forcing a small smile, I pulled out my wallet. "Your usual?" She looked at my face, clearly registering the bags under my eyes. "Tall?" I nodded before handing her the cash.
"Keep the change." I grumbled before sitting down in my usual spot by the window. I leaned against the cool glass, watching a couple walk by hand in hand I closed my eyes.
"You know; it really won't kill you to smile." Her voice interrupted my thoughts as I was punching some new information into the music program on my laptop. I was fighting back a smile as she sat next to me on the grass. I could feel her gentle weight pressing into my shoulder. The sun's warmth on my back was almost as comforting as her head resting on my shoulder. I closed my laptop and put it in its rightful place in my bag. I shot a look at my watch to see how long I had before having to leave but no matter what time it was I feel like I would have to leave too soon. "Beca, this hurts." The frailty in her voice made my chest tighten. "I'm tired." I inhaled deeply knowing all too well how she feels.
"I am too." I pushed her off me softly so I could get a better look at her face, the sun causing her eyes to shine brighter than usual. "I'll fix it." She nodded slowly. She'd heard those words before but this time I meant it. She sighed, the sound rigid and broken. "I promise." I locked eyes with her, pressing my palm to her cheek. "Don't leave me, not now."
"Here you go hun." The barista placed my coffee on the table, jolting me awake. She placed a hand on my shoulder, "I'm glad you're okay. I'm sorry about what happened." Confusion must have been written all over my face, then it clicked that she was talking about the accident.
"Thank you." Mumbling softly, I turned back to the journal and began reading. The most uneasy feeling washing over me, I leaned my face against my hand taking gulps of coffee ever few minutes or so. My eyes began to get droopy and fighting to keep reading wasn't working anymore. I waved at the barista as I ducked out into the cool night air. Well after midnight and foggy from my medication I trudged on in the direction of my apartment. "Hey Skylar." The guy that lived across the hall hollered as I fumbled for with my keys. "Wanna come over to my place for a little fun?" His voice menacing and disturbing.
"Fuck off." I spun around to shoot a warning glare in his direction before backing into my apartment and slamming the door closed. I locked the dead bolt, kicked my shoes off and plopped down on my bed. My eyes fluttered closed with the image of Chloe laughing at my brother's was playing on loop in my head. "Chloe, I'm so sorry."
The sun warm on my face I pulled the pillow down to shield my eyes, the clock on my bedside table informing me it was only 9 am. A long groan escaped from my chest as I pulled myself up and still sore I wobbled to the bathroom to take my medication and brush my teeth. I decided to stuff some of the journals in my bag and go for a walk. The sun made me hopeful for a moment as I turned onto the sidewalk. Quickly darting into the café I grabbed another coffee and continued walking. Before long I was standing at the entrance to the hospital. The lump in my throat grew increasingly uncomfortable. "One foot in front of the other Mitchell." My voice was raspy. I looked down at my hands, shaking uncontrollably again. I followed an older woman through the doors and walked up to the main desk. The receptionist looked welcoming and friendly, I wondered if she actually liked her job or not. "Umm," I set my hands on her desk. Her eyes filled with concern when looking at my defeated posture.
"How can I help you ma'am?" Her voice smooth like honey. I was struggling to make eye contact with the young woman. "Are you okay sweetie?" I nodded slowly and cleared my throat.
"I'm- I'm here to see Chloe Beale." She typed something into her compute quickly, stared at the screen for a moment and directed me to Chloe's room. I stood in the door way staring in horror at the angelic woman, who hadn't moved an inch from the last time I was in this very room. I caught sight of Dr. Yang who had set her sights on me. I nodded as she quickly weaved her way towards me.
"I'm glad you're hear." Her eyes filled with a fondness when they fell on the unconscious redhead. "She needs someone hear that believes in her. She can do this. I can tell she's fighting to stay, I'm just not sure she knows that she has a reason to." Standing in silence I let her words sink in. "Go talk to her. I'll be back to check on her in a little while." I muttered a thank you before striding in and pulling a seat up next to her bed. I searched her face for something, for anything really. Wishing she'd open those brilliant blue eyes.
"Hey Chloe, it's Skylar. I just want you to know that I'm here. If you want to open your eyes that's okay. If not that's okay also. I'm just going to sit here for a little while." I paused for a moment remembering that she was like this because of me. "I hope that's okay." I added softly. I pulled out a journal and began reading the lyrics silently, sleep assaulting my eyes. My medication was constantly making me drowsy. I set the journal down on the table next to the bed, taking Chloe's hand in mine. Humming "Titanium" as I let my eyes close and sleep shift over me.
"I can't sing but thank you anyways." My face flushed red as the group was staring at me. "Besides don't you think that's kind of lame." The tall blonde stomped her foot in protest before her equally tall redheaded friend told her to calm down. She handed me a flyer and told me to at least think about it. All I could think about was how her smile was blinding and her eyes made my thoughts jumble up. "Uhh-sure." I nodded once before walking in the opposite direction, my mind already set on not doing it. I couldn't sing anyways and even if I could I wouldn't want to do it with that bitch of a blonde. Although I wouldn't mind spending time with the redhead.
"I kind of had a feeling I'd find you here." The rumble of my brother's deep voice pulled me back to reality. I wiped the traces of drool off my face. "The good old doctor said you've been asleep for like 18h hours in that chair." He handed me a coffee, averting his eyes after registering the journal next to Chloe's bed. He set a vase of sunflowers down on the table and threw the wilting ones away. "Stop staring at me, I just don't think someone should wake up in a hospital to an empty depressing room." He shrugged the bag off his shoulder and took two objects wrapped in paper towels out. "Here, eat this." I took it, hand trembling slightly and ate the sandwich slowly. I could feel his eyes on my face as I started at Chloe. "She's going to wake up Sky." I grimaced at my name, remember the day I decided to go by Skylar instead of Beca. I thought Beca was a lame name so I just started refusing to respond to it.
"I know, she has to." I stood up too quickly my body protesting in all the wrong ways. "I'm going to stretch my legs. I'll be right back." Before I had time to turn towards the door Jared threw some clean clothes at me. I walked down the hall to the bathroom and changed. When I came out I heard the faint sound of someone crying, following it down the hall I looked into a window. Where a young woman was on her knees next to a bed, the doctors hanging their heads. Obviously the man lying motionless in the hospital bed hadn't pulled through. I ran as fast as I could back to Chloe, relief flooding me when I saw she was still alive. "Will you grab my laptop from my apartment?" I yawned for the third time since I woke up. He nodded and I tossed him the keys. "Maybe my guitar also, if you don't mind?" He smiled and ducked into the hallway. "Come on Chloe, you can do this." I whispered before planting myself back in the chair. I picked up the journal again, humming the Avril Lavigne song once more. I glanced up at Chloe before turning the page. I cleared my throat twice nervously. "And today I made the decision to make a decision. Today you made the choice to make a choice. Today was the first day of tomorrow. And yesterday was the beginning of the past. I'm not sure what I believe in but I won't lie. Oh no. I won't lie. Today I'm alive. I'm alive. All I can think of is the color of blue. All I can think of is you. Only you." My head started spinning as I tried to remember what moment or feelings I was in when I wrote that entry.
"Did you write that? It was beautiful." The nurse asked as she came in to check on all of Chloe's stats. I blushed awkwardly. "Her heart is stronger today." She smiled knowingly, like there was some secret she knew that I didn't. "Whatever you're doing miss, keep it up." She patted my shoulder on her way out the door. My back was stiff so I stepped outside the room, wandering down the hallway again, doctors with familiar faces nodded at me with professional smiles as they passed. The hospital seemed to be filled with a hopeful energy today that I hadn't ever experienced before. The sun blinding my eyes as I stood silently on the curb, noticing a little bath in the brush to my right. Curiosity got the best of me as I felt my feet propel my body forward and I began trudging along the makeshift path down to a clearing. Taking in the small pond, I sat in wonder under a large tree and closed my eyes.