Chapter Twenty-Two
He doesn't go to Daichi's immediately, even though he really, really should. Instead, he wanders around his hometown, feeling something he hasn't felt in sixteen years: Out of place. He recognizes all of the buildings, but they feel more like they're from someone else's memories. Hinata pauses outside of Ukai's store, wondering if he should apologize for ditching practice for a month, or if the older Ukai even remembered him. Probably not. He continues on, walking slowly but not dragging his feet, the sun is setting and he has places to see before it does.
Hinata stops outside where he thinks Kageyama's house is, all of the surrounding houses look the same, all faded blue with windows that glow with light, he walks a little faster after that. Towards the only path he can remember, across the mountain, further and further from Tokyo, like he can feel the distance from Kenma tugging on a tether in his brain. He stops halfway, looks at what's left of the sun, streaks of too dim purple and too bright orange, and then continues on. Daichi would get mad if he was even later than he already is.
Natsu is nowhere to be seen, not that he expects to see his baby sister from across the driveway, he stares for a long time, wishing more than anything for a flash of orange. He would settle for a squeal if Natsu didn't show. Five minutes, he promises, checking his phone for angry texts from his captain. Just five more. He says after ten have passed. The lights go off, Natsu always had a pretty strict sleeping schedule, and his heart freezes. He expected almost nothing, and is still disappointed, Idiot.
He turns to walk away, to run to Daichi before his captain closes his offer, but stops again. Eyes travel across the yard, to a chipped tree where his bike was parked everyday for years. There's contemplation filling him, it's mine and I need it. But if he leaves a trace, Nothing will happen, they don't want you. He doesn't take it, too many fond memories turned sour when staring at the faded blue paint. Bugs start calling after him when the mountain slopes under him, Natsu will be fine, he promises to the darkened sky.
It's going to rain soon, he realizes, recognizing the signs from a too short stay in Tokyo. Grey shadows flicker across the black sheet of sky, there's a long sigh, hopes Daichi won't get mad about his wet clothes. The sprinkle turns into a torrential downfall by the time he's off the mountain, he stops by Ukai's store, which is two blocks out of the way on the path to Daichi's house, but he really should apologize before his coach gets mad. He pauses under the slight cover the building provides and shakes violently, trying to get as dry as possible before he walks in. He's not dripping, which is a good thing, but the door opens with a layer of chilled air. How can he run AC right now. He glances up at Ukai, who hasn't noticed his presence judging from the attention he's giving the book his nose is buried into.
The area by the counter is warmer, and much smokier, than near the door, he eyes all the ashes that have missed Ukai's ashtray and suppresses a laugh, the coach is flicking over a page when he looks up, jerks back like he's spotted a ghost, then his eyebrows fall into a harder expression. "Hinata?" He questions, then realizes why. He tugs at his damp bangs awkwardly, pushes them out of his face, "Y-yes. I just wanted to apologize for skipping practice with Grandpa Ukai." The older man's eyebrows drew in deeper at that, "Daichi told me you ran away from home." He thought Kenma was the only blunt person he knows, but it seems he was wrong. "I didn't run away." He huffed, crossing his arms in both anger and the chill that's taking over his body.
"Then why did you skip practice?" His voice is half muffled by the cigarette hanging from his lip, but he can identify some emotion in his coach's words, "I-I-" I.I. He swallows the lump of fear in his throat, "I got kicked out, and had nowhere to go." He admits, looking away from Ukai because he's not sure what the older man will say, or if he'll even believe him. "Why?" Small and serious. There's not a lie he can spin with Ukai's gaze on him, he can actually feel it. "My mom doesn't want me around Natsu." He says quietly, a full truth, but there's always more.
"Why?" Ukai echoes, and he shakes his head, feels himself get smaller and smaller with each invasion of privacy. "Where did you go?" The coach asks after a long silence between them, filled only by rain then a smack on the counter that sends him stumbling back. "T-Tokyo." He mumbles out, staring at his shoes and the puddle forming around them. With Kenma. His heart aches differently when he thinks about him, family in his own right, but also something more. "They take you back?" It takes him a long time to realize who they is, my family. He shakes his head, small beads of water flinging from his hair as he does. Ukai hums lowly like Kenma does, and he looks up, "Where're you staying then?" He asks, scoffing at him.
"With D-Daichi." He admits, wondering how his voice can be so dry when he's covered in water. Ukai frowns, "That's a long walk from here, don't ya' need a ride?" He's almost sure he can hear concern from his coach and he smiles a little before shaking his head again. "I'll be fine- I'd probably get your car all wet anyway." There's a laugh, from him and it sounds sad to his ears. His jaw pulses with pain, a reminder why it's okay to be sad, if only for tonight. "My floors already wet, brat, just get in the car." It's such a nice thing to say, but Ukai's tone is no-nonsense and he finds himself nodding. Thankful, because he has almost no idea where Daichi's house is and if he got any more soaked he's pretty sure his captain would kick him out.
"I'll close up, then we'll go." He blinks, "Isn't this a twenty-four hour store?" His tone is a little more alive than it was before, but he's curious and scared. Ukai shouldn't close because he didn't have a home. Ukai snorts, "Yeah, but that doesn't mean twenty-four all at once." He's not sure what that means, but he's nodding, following his coach out of the door. Waits behind the taller man as he locks the darkened glass doors. Coach's car sends shivers all through his body, the cold leather under him, the icy air blown from the vents surrounding them. He regrets agreeing to this, but he's still grateful, because he wants nothing more than to sleep and never wake up.
They don't talk during the ride, which seems to prolong the ride indefinitely, like Ukai wants to say something and there's not enough time if he drives any faster. They stop abruptly, recognizes the edge of town from the spacing between each building, the walk wouldn't have been that long, uncomfortable but not long. He glances at his coach, who's staring at him expectantly. "Sorry." He says again, for the skipping and the gesture, "Thank you very much." He adds, stepping out of the mute car into the roar of the rain. He slings both of his bags over one shoulder and pushes through a too heavy gust of wind to the only house there. Ukai drives off in a flash of light and a squeal of tires. He pauses in front of the door. His door. But doesn't knock. Can't knock. There's no light. Dark. Dark. There's fear pumping in tune with his heart, he can hear it in his ears. Daichi wouldn't- but what if it's not Daichi.
He raises his fist, and it freezes before it can collide with the wood in front of him. Hinata sits down, his back to the too familiar sight, leaning against it and sliding down, his breathing is too quick to be normal. Thought the pills stopped this, he wonders as he tries to picture Kenma calming him down. Kenma isn't here. His heaving quickens, but there's no air in his lungs. He whines, fear and lack of air making his hands go numb. Breathe, Shouyou. "I can't." He gasps out to nobody, forcing his eyes to take in the splashing rain in front of him, Kuroo's shadow standing, waiting, on the edge of his vision, waiting for his eyes to close.
He decides to stay here, until there's light, until the sun comes down and spreads the shadows so thin that he can't see them. He feels stupid, scared of the dark like he's a child again, but there's nobody's bed he can climb into, no mother for him to cling to and cry against. His convulsing lungs slow at that, freak, because he's always been. It shouldn't be comforting, but his mother's disgust with him is something that's solid. Freak. He knows it, can feel it with the shaking in his body, with the rattling of the pills in his bag.
Kuroo's not here. He still doesn't knock, doesn't get up, because he's decided. Daichi shouldn't worry about me. He can last a night in the rain, he's half protected by the cover of the door against his back, he scoots away because if he touches it, it might open. He doesn't think about what happens if it opens, he manipulates his breathing into something he can control. My body. Draws in a long breathe. Mine. Mine. Mine. Chokes out the inhale, trying to calm his racing pulse. His bags turn into pillows against Daichi's steps, they soften the cement, ease his too hot blood and too cold skin. He can sleep like this, alone, not bothering anyone. Steal my best friend?
He snaps awake when pain crushes his lungs, snaps his eyes open and stares up at a foot, connected to legs, connected to a face. "Daichi?" He asks, half dazed from sleep and pain. "H-Hinata?" The older boy asks, his tan face flashing until he's crouching next to him. Pills when you wake up, Shouyou. He holds back the urge to reach into his bag, around a familiar shape. "Did you sleep on the steps?" Daichi asks, half angry half- something. He nods, knowing that Daichi would ask him to explain, but he just wants to be quiet, if only for a little while. He shifts, his clothes feeling stiff from dried rain. "Sorry." He mumbles, moving out of his captain's path. The older boy sighs, then scoots forward, his tan legs spanning across the steps. "Why did you sleep on my stairs, Hinata?" Serious, but calm and soft.
I was scared. Of you. Of the dark. Of Kuroo. He gulps, loudly enough that Daichi's head flicks to him, studying him. "Sorry?" He offers instead of the answers he knows Daichi would want. "You could have knocked." Daichi's head tilts to the door behind them, half open and showing nothing but darkness. He flinches away from it, doesn't want it grasping at him. "Hinata!" Daichi half-booms, then his captain's face is closer to him, he's on the ground now, as far away from the door as he could throw himself. "What's wrong?" Daichi's voice is even softer now, but there's urgency in his tone.
"Didn't want to bother you." He answers instead, looking away from the door, and away from the dark. "Why're you up so early?" He asks, hoping if he talks that Daichi won't. "Work." The older man grunts out, he nods, "Can I come with you?" Hinata doesn't want to be alone, and doesn't want to walk into that door. Daichi blinks, eyes narrowing as his eyebrows contort, but there's half a grin spread on his lips. "I thought you didn't want to smell like crops?" His tone is amused, like he forgot about his panic, his eyes reflect otherwise.
"I-I've never been to a farm before." It's a lie, a stupid one since this town is surrounded by farms. Daichi snorts, then there's a hand in front of him, not on his face, but too close. He's trembling by the time he remembers why it's there, his palm slides into Daichi's, it's warm and rough against his. "This way." Daichi says, nodding towards the road leading away from town, he walks beside his captain silently, hoping that Daichi would say something, but not ask anything.
Daichi turns suddenly, almost walking into him, but he stumbles back a step to avoid the collision, "Sorry." He mumbles, then follows his captain again, all the way until a shed is looming over them with the barely there sunlight. "A shed." He says after a moment, the word unusual against his tongue. Daichi grunts again, then walks into the small wooden structure, into darkness. He steps back, pulse stuttering as the door creeks open. "Here." The darkness calls, then Daichi's tan face is revealed, igniting relief that settles in his heart. Daichi is in front of him now, extending a fist to him, he reaches forward, and material is dropped into his hand. "Gloves?" The older boy nods, a smirk lightening his serious face.
"Don't want your baby hands getting hurt." It's the most he's heard Daichi speak since the steps, he watches the older boy walk away, then surges after him. "I don't have baby hands." He squawks, irritated at the accusation. Daichi laughs, something nice and warm settles in his stomach where fear had been earlier. "Wait, you want me to help?" Daichi stops, turning back to face him. "Unless you were planning on sitting on your ass and watching me work for three hours." His face evens out into blankness, because that had been his plan, sitting by Daichi while he worked to avoid the fear of loneliness that Kenma had left him with, avoid the fear of the dark that Kuroo had scarred him with.
"O-of course not." He lies quickly, but Daichi's smirk is a knowing one. "We'll start here." Daichi's dark arm pointing towards the corner of a too large field. "I've never done this before." He admits, settling next to his captain, a big bucket bucket between them. "Well, it's about time you learned." He's not sure why he should learn to farm when his goal is to play volleyball until he dies, but he's nodding, because Daichi is his captain, and usually right about stuff like this.
Daichi's hands, covered in gloves, scoop forward, grasping the base of a large plant, then he slides up, knocking off small buds that he recognizes as peas. "Just like that, got it?" Daichi asks, turning to face him as he blindly picks peas up and deposits them into the bucket between them. He nods, pulling on the gloves Daichi had given him, they're too big and wiggle against his fingers. He ignores that, then grabs onto the plant in front of him, gripping it's base like Daichi had shown him, he tries to slide up, but his hands stutter with each pea that gets flicked off. He's half sweating by the time he finishes that, and he looks up at his captain for approval. There's color in Daichi's dark cheeks, he wonders how it could be hot outside when there's no sun but ignores that in favor of his captain. "G-good." His captain chokes out, then he's grasping another plant, focused on his task now.
"It's sad, isn't it?" He asks, a few rows filling half the bucket, the sun half visible now. Daichi pauses, wiping sweat onto his arm, "What is?" He asks, scooping up green and tossing it into the bucket. "Growin' plants so we can break them." Daichi blanches at that, stares into the bucket with an unreadable expression. "I never thought about it like that." The taller boy admits, he meant it as a joke, something to say while they work. But it something that has crossed his mind before.
"A lot of stuff is like that." Daichi says after another row is settled into the bucket between them. "Like what?" He can't help but ask, looking over at his captain as he plucks small peas into with too loose gloves. "People." He flinches at that, Whore. Mine. Freak. He ignores the shake in his hands until Daichi speaks again, "Animals." He tries not to picture cows with big sad eyes, wondering why they have to die. He wipes not tears from his itching eyes. He chokes on a sob as he deposits more green into the sad pile between them and Daichi's gaze snaps onto him. "B-but it's not all bad!" His captain splutters out, trying to cheer him up, sad eyes are haunting his closed eyes.
"How is not all bad!" He shouts, angry on the behalf of dying cows. Daichi's quiet, and then the smell of peas is strong in his nose. "Uh- We give them homes, keep them safe-" He's crying now, "So we can murder them." He interrupts, jerking back as Daichi's chin lands on his head. "That doesn't mean we love them any less." He blinks away more wetness, then looks up at his captain, "How can you hurt something- someone that you love?" Daichi's head jerks at the question, and he can see those dark eyes glisten. "I-I don't know. I- We don't kill them, we just send them off..."
"Isn't that worse? Never seeing them again?" He asks, pulling back from his captain's heavy arms. Daichi looks like he's out of words, but he's nodding now, drops of not sweat rolling down either sides of his nose. His mouth freezes, I hurt him. He pushes forward, holding onto his captain's chest. "I'm sorry." He whispers, hoping that he didn't break Daichi. He'd never seen the older man cry before, didn't think Daichi would know how. "You'd be a great farmer." Is whispered against his hair, "Why?" I don't want to hurt anymore. Daichi's chest bounces against his, then a laugh is tickling his hair. "You care about stuff- like animals, you'd give them a good home, take care of them." It's the first speech Daichi has given him that isn't bittersweet. The older man pulls back, tan hands resting on his shoulders. "You'd be a great farmer." He says again, then pulls away, kneeling in front of more peas.
He wonders how Daichi can go from crying to not-crying so quickly, You'd be great. He smiles while tugging at more stalks, the motion brings a flush to his cheeks, through the effort and the memories of doing something very similar to Kenma. He gulps, then glances at his captain, wondering if the heat had caused his earlier blush at all. He freezes in terror, shoves those thoughts away, because what Daichi did when he wasn't being a team captain was none of his business. At all.
That doesn't stop him from wondering.