My eyes strained in the darkness of my apartment, wishing I was still near the Barden campus. The new apartment I live in was smaller and more depressing then the previous address, which I had actually spent a good amount of time picking out. I choked down the thought with my beer. Glancing down at the letter in my hand.
Beca Mitchell,
I know I haven't known you long and you might think I'm a freak for bursting in on you in the shower. But I think maybe if I write this out it won't constantly fog my mind. I like you. Something about you is just so addicting. I haven't felt this way, like ever. I know I'm just another random girl but when I said we would be fast friends I was really hoping for more. We've connected on a level I wasn't sure was possible. I know Aubrey really harps on you but I think you are brilliant, beautiful and beyond talented. When I'm with you my heart does that weird kick start thing and it is kind of an understatement when I say you give me butterflies. Stacie says I should just tell you but I'm really not sure how you'd react and the thought of losing you makes me kind of sick. So I'll just keep writing these really sappy letters and keep my thoughts to myself. Beca, I think we could be great together even if that seems a little odd. To be honest I get extremely jealous when Jesse is around. I'm... I think that you are just completely amazing. I can't say that enough. Well my Russian Lit professor is glaring at me because I haven't paid any attention to his lecture. I can't wait to see you at rehearsals today.
Always,
Chloe. Xoxox
I blinked back tears as I remembered quite clearly the first time I talked to the redhead. That perfect Chloe Beale smile, those unbearably blue eyes and her voice, I frowned a little at the thought. My memories pretty much completely flooding my mind now. I chugged the almost full beer in my hand before grabbing another, popping one of the left over painkillers in my mouth like a tic tac on my way back to the couch. I picked up another letter out of the box. This one was scrawled out in a much messier version of Chloe's hand writing.
Beca,
You kissed Jesse after ICCAs today. I'm not sure what to say other than my heart feels like someone just ran a freight train into it. All I could think about after the performance was finding you. I saw you run up to him and then you pulled him in. I really thought I was about to open my own version of puke gate at that moment. (Don't tell Aubrey I said that.) I ran straight back to my room and buried myself in a pile of blankets, praying you'd notice my absence and come talk to me. You never did. Beca I think I'm in love with you… Actually. I am in love with you Beca Skylar Mitchell. I know I'm your best friend and this must be breaking some kind of ancient code but Beca I love you. I don't know what to do without you. I'll put on a front and pretend like you and Jesse doesn't bother me but I promise I love you so much more than he does. I believe in you and all that you stand for. Just don't forget that okay?
Always,
Chloe. Xoxo
I set the letter down looking at the stacks of journals I had written. Organized into piles by the period of life that they represented. The four years at Barden were the only I kept out of the boxes that cluttered my living room. Another pile next to them represented all that had to do with Chloe Beale. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and glanced at the time. Noticing it was just after two in the morning, I scrolled down to Chloe's name and began to type.
"Chloe Beale,
You are all I've ever wanted in life. I love you more than the air I breathe and right now I feel like dying. You're the only thing in my life that has ever felt like home. I miss you… xoxo."
I hit send not expecting a response. This was the fifth time this week I had sent her a drunk text and she hadn't responded. What did I expect after ignoring exactly 216 phone calls and 396 text messages from her in the last six months? When my phone lit up my heart stopped for a brief second.
"Hello." I winced at the drunkenness in my voice.
"Beca? How are you?" Stacie's calm voice filled my head and I sighed in disappointment.
"What are you doing up so late?" I asked in an attempt to ignore her question.
"I just closed shop and hadn't heard from you in a week so I thought I'd try and see if you would answer. Stacie's confession warmed my heart slightly but I pushed the feeling down.
"How are things? How's Aubrey and Jesse? My siblings? You and CR?" I paused not sure how else to ask. "Chloe?" My voice lowered to a whisper.
"Things are okay; we miss you like crazy. When do you come to town next? Can I meet with you for lunch? Or meet somewhere out of town? I really want to see you. Aubrey officially moved into town. Her and Chloe are teaching dance at Barden. I'm sure you can only imagine how that's going." She chuckled softly. "Cynthia and I are good. We just really miss you, shorty." I smiled at the sound of the old nickname. I thought about it a moment before responding.
"I come into town for a meeting tomorrow, I can swing by the bar if you'd like. Say around seven?" I really did miss Stacie, my thoughts filled with sleepless nights at the Bella house. Her crying and me showing up with a pint of ice cream and an awkward hug in an attempt to make her feel better. "I miss you Stacie." I added without regret.
"Tomorrow at seven. Just me or can Cynthia be there?" Her question innocent but terrifying, I thought for a moment before responding softly.
"CR can be there. It's a date. See you tomorrow." I quickly hung up as tears filled my eyes. I laid down on the couch, too afraid to sleep in my giant bed alone because it made me miss Chloe. I lifted the beer bottle to my lips. Just as my eyes began to flutter closed I heard my phone buzz again. Groaning as I rolled over to retrieve it from the spot on the floor where I lazily tossed it before, I swiped the screen to see what the notification was. My heart practically stopped as I read the name on my screen.
"Beca? Please, I need to see you. I miss you. I don't know how to do this without you. Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay.
Always yours,
Chloe xoxo"
I read the message ten times over before deciding not to respond and finally letting sleep take hold in the cold apartment. Blue eyes burning the back of my eyelids as I tried not to think of Chloe.
"Beca, what are you doing?" Chloe's voice was soft and playful as I closed her door behind me. She sat up slowly as I awkwardly stood with my back pressed against her door. The silence growing thicker as I just stood there. She slipped out of her bed and walked slowly in my direction. "Are you okay?" The question filled with angst. I nodded in the nearly black room. Tears falling in the dark but I was thankful that Chloe couldn't see them. I had gone to a party with Stacie and Cynthia across campus. Leaving only when I was fulling intoxicated and some random football player cornered me in an empty bedroom. Interrupted a few minutes after he cornered by Stacie who had begun to worry about me when she couldn't find me on the dance floor. Thankfully he didn't get what he was looking for because Cynthia Rose had manhandled him like he was a rag doll and Stacie just held me as I cried in horror at what could have just happened. "Beca? Say something." The redhead's voice was on the thin line of panic.
"I love you." I blurted out in the safety of darkness. Seeing Chloe's silhouette freeze completely at my drunken confession. I just stood frozen and blinking trying to capture Chloe's reaction and failing. My hand slipped off the door knob and I went tumbling sideways, tears falling and sobs escaping my lips. Chloe sat next to me slowly, taking me in her strong arms. Not saying a word about what I just admitted. "Please don't hate me." I could feel her body tense next to me as she twisted her lips to the side of my face. I felt used and disgusting. My body shuttered at the thought of the football player throwing my small from on the bed, thankfully Stacie saved the day again. I really didn't know what was happening to me and I hated that I was beginning to care about so many people, especially a group of girls. There's just nothing in the world that I would trade my friendship with Stacie for.
"Beca you're drunk." Chloe cooed. I shook my head causing a wave of nausea. Chloe just sat in silence waiting. It made me a little self-conscious because she was never quiet and she always had some type of commentary to add. Beca Mitchell was turning into a softie and it was all because of the beautiful woman beside me.
"No Chloe, I love you. Drunk or sober. I love your confidence, I love the way your eyes sparkle when you catch me staring at you, I love how passionate you are about the Bellas, I love how you support Aubrey even when she's gone completely psycho, I love that you believe in me. I love that you see the best in people even when everyone else brushes them off. I love the sound of you breathing when you sleep, I love how when we cuddle you always manage to twist one of your legs around mine so I can't squirm away. I love that stupid Chloe Beale smile you get when you find something that you want. I love that you don't pull away when I scoot closer. I love the way your eyes linger on my lips when we are talking alone. I love the way you drive me crazy without realizing it. Chloe Beale, I love the way you turn me on. I love the way you bit your lip. I've wanted you since the day we met at the activities fair, you bursting into my shower only put the nail in the coffin." I stopped in horror as the words spilled out of my drunken mouth, I meant everything I was saying but I didn't want to scare her away. Chloe reached up and turned a light on. I blinked trying to force the blinding light away. Chloe's eyes were gazing deeply into mine. Her lip now a victim of her pearly whites. I laughed out loud at the thought of kissing her. A serious expression crossed her face and I couldn't help myself. "Chloe? Can I kiss you?" I whispered in the otherwise empty room.
"No." She responded after a moment. Sadness seeping into my eyes slowly. "Not when you're drunk." She added while wiping a tear away with her soft hand. I attempted to stand and leave when I felt her hand snag my wrist. "Stay." Her voice was small and caught my attention. I blinked in surprise. She pulled me towards the bed and pulled the blankets back. I nodded slowly and climbed next to the wall, expecting Chloe to use the spare bed. Not that we didn't usually share her bed but considering what I just spilled out I thought she'd be uncomfortable lying next to me. When she climbed in next to me I sighed in relief. "Come here Beca." She demanded pulling me closer, her leg twisted between mine, her hand snaking up under the back of my shirt. Hand burning my skin. What I heard next I wasn't sure if it was real so I just laid there listening to her heartbeat. "Beca, I'm IN love with you."
I squinted my eyes as the sun shone through the window waking me. I glanced at the clock groaning at the time, slowly I sulked off toward the shower. Knowing I couldn't skip this meeting. I grabbed the new bottle of vodka from the freezer on the way out the door, storing it under the passenger seat of my BMW before driving the half hour to the radio station. I kept my sunglasses on as I snuck into the meeting that had started without me. Luke leaned over, jabbing me in the ribs. "You look like shit Becky." I pushed him away, fully aware that my presentation wasn't all that appealing. I nodded in and out of sleep as the meeting droned on. "Mitchell, it's over. Time to go." Luke's accent snapped me awake. I looked at the time and whined softly to myself. I returned to my car and drove aimlessly for a while before I found myself pulling into a familiar parking lot. Blinking up at the building in front of me I pulled the bottled I stashed away out before stumbling out of my car. I pulled myself up the stairs. Awkwardly staring at the numbers on the apartment door in front of me. I stood there for a few long minutes before turning to leave. This was the eleventh time this week I found myself holding my hand inches from knocking on the door that I actually had my own key to. Just as I began walking away the door swung wide open. "Beca?" The voice halfway sobered me up. I didn't stop walking but instead dropped my head down to watch as my feet picked up the pace. If I pretend like she didn't see me, maybe she actually didn't. I slammed the door to my BMW and stared at my knuckles which could have torn through my skin at any second as far as I was concerned. I stared intently in the direction I came from, half of me wanting Chloe to come after me and the other half praying that she didn't. After a few minutes I decided that it was for the best and drove down the Stacie's bar. I called her as I sat in the idling car.
"Shorty don't you dare tell me you're bailing on me right now." Stacie's voice was serious and I laughed loudly. The sound seemed foreign and really strange to me.
"No, actually I'm here. I was just wondering if I could park out back. My car is kind of…" My voice trailed off not sure how to finish the sentence. Stacie chuckled lightly.
"Your car is kind of an attention grabber and everyone will recognize it. Yeah go ahead, back door is unlocked if you don't want to use the front. Let yourself in." I registered the smile in her voice and a warm feeling nipped at the edge of my heart making my body shutter. I whipped the car around behind the building, pulling the zipper of my sweatshirt all the way up and pushing my sunglasses into place before entering the building. I took a seat at the back end of the bar and smiled despite my best efforts as the bartender's eyes light up at the sight of my slumped body. "You actually came!" Her excitement was welcomed but the surprise in her voice stung a little. Not that I didn't deserve it I just really did miss my friend. She hugged me for a really long few minutes, I could tell she was trying not to cry. "I'm sorry!" She laughed embarrassed, swiftly dabbing the forming tears from her eyes. "Want a drink?" She smiled before stepping back behind the bar. She didn't wait for my answer; sure she already knew just by looking at me that I needed one. She came back with a beer and some ibuprofen. "When was the last time you ate Beca?" Her eyes taking in my horrible appearance. I thought about it and shrugged when I realized I couldn't remember. Stacie picked up her phone, tying something quickly and shoved it in her back pocket. "Cynthia is going to bring some food down. She'll be here soon." I nodded slowly at the woman standing in front of me, thinking back to the dream I had last night.
"Stacie, umm. Thank you." I stared down at my hands as I picked apart a napkin. I really hated how bad I was at this feelings thing sometimes. "For everything, the memories are coming back now. I mean slowly and with a lot of effort but they are. Thank you for saving me that night at the frat party. Thank you for being there for me at my brother's. Thank you for pushing me in the right direction gently when I didn't remember who you were. You're my best friend Stacie. You've been kind of Beca and Chloe end game from the start huh?" I avoided looking up at the end of my question but Stacie placed a warm hand on mine and my eyes managed to dart up to her brown eyes.
"I've been team Bechloe since auditions. Did you not see the way Red looked like she wanted to jump your bones right there in front of everyone?" She laughed deeply and turned back to drying glasses.
"Bechloe? You know for a fact if Amy were here she'd argue that it's Bloe." Cynthia Rose interjected setting a couple bags down on the oak bar. "And everyone loves a good Bloe." She grinned widely at her wife and winked back at me. "Speaking of that…" She trailed off earning a glare from Stacie. "I'm just kidding. How is Red?" CR looked at me sincerely wondering. My jaw began to ache because I was clinching it so hard. I shook my head slowly. "She was down here a couple weeks ago. I've never seen her so wasted." Sadness crept at the edge of the woman's eyes. Stacie threw a dirty towel at her and pushed a container of food in my direction. I smiled gratefully and slowly began to eat the potatoes.
"Guys I need to talk to Chloe." I picked at the food in front of me in an attempt to avoid seeing their expressions. When no one said anything I looked up to see Cynthia staring behind me. Following her gaze, I turned in my seat.
"I think you're right." The redhead said standing a few feet away. My heart began pounding so hard I had to reach out and steady myself on the bar. I just stared fixated on the woman standing in front of me with a harsh expression on her face and her arms folded tightly in front of her. I tripped trying to stand up. I looked back at Stacie in horror, my first thought was that she had asked Chloe to come down. When I turned back to Chloe I could see Jesse and Aubrey stroll through the door casually flirting over Chloe's shoulder and instantly felt guilty for making an assumption.
"Hi Chloe." I whispered shrinking under her unrelenting glare. She took a moment to take in my frame and expression before her eyes softened just the slightest.
"Hey Beca." She matched my frail tone. Arms still crossed against her front, my eyes drifted to the chain around her neck which was still sporting her old engagement ring I gulped audibly. Aubrey caught my eye and stood mouth hanging open as she stopped Jesse in his tracks before he noticed the scene in front of him. His reaction wasn't far from her own. My navy eyes traveled back to the worried eyes of Chloe Beale.
"Are you hungry?" I ventured hopeful. She nodded slowly and turned without another word. I followed forgetting the people surrounding us. She walked at a quick pace in an attempt to keep her emotions level, something I remembered from college. "Slow down. I know you're trying to reign your emotions in and collect your thoughts but my legs are so much shorter than yours!" I shouted after her, Chloe stopping mid stride and turning to face me with a doe eyed expression.
"You remember?" This time her voice was shaking and she walked towards me.
"I remember everything Chloe." I paused. "Well there are still gaps but I'm working on that I guess. I remember everything for the most part." I admitted happily. She bobbed her head once as she took in the information. "I remember the night I told you I love you. I was drunk as shit and you wouldn't kiss me." Her eyes narrowed at the memory. "You thought I was asleep and you told me you were in love with me." Tears stung my eyes but I clenched my fists tightly to fight back the water. "I also have all your letters still." I admitted this confession shyly. I pulled my wallet out of my pocket and took a piece of paper out. "I need to read this to you. But I need you to promise me you won't say anything until I'm finished." Chloe agreed softly now standing about two feet in front of me. I cleared my throat before beginning.
"Chloe Beale,
I'm not sure what to sure what to do right now. I don't know what to say and every time I think I can finally say the words out loud I lose my nerve. I know that I messed up. I mess up a lot. I'm also super insecure which I'm sure you already know. There's something about you though that makes me… It makes me better. You make me better. And I want nothing more in this life than to make you better. I know I have a lot of issues, a lot of walls and I'm a distant asshole at times. But you make me feel things that I never knew were possible. I've felt nothing but pain and anger for so long that when I met you… I was terrified. I felt things inside my chest, I felt my heart beating for the first time in a really long time. You make me feel so alive. You're spontaneous and funny. You're compassionate and driven. When you put your mind to something you do whatever it takes to accomplish it. You know how to get what you want. You're beautiful and I know that you know that. I mean we can't even go out in public without people staring at you in awe. Your voice is incredible and so is your mind. You're an angel Chloe and I'm just a mere human trying not to drown in the light you provide. You see something in me and I'm not really sure that I will ever understand what it is. I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you Chlo. Everyone important to me has left and I'm so scared you will also. I know that if you do it will be all my fault and I can't lie. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I lost you. Chloe, I believe home isn't a place. It's a feeling. A feeling I only get when I get when I'm with you. Chloe you're home. You're MY home. I love you. I wish I could find the words to tell you this. I suck at this feelings thing. I push everyone away because it's easier. It's easier to just not let anyone in because I can't handle them leaving again. But you came crashing through those walls, leaving me utterly defenseless. I just want to be home Chloe. I just want to be with you.
Love Always,
Beca xoxo."
I stood in silence staring down at the shaking letter, unsure of what to say or do next. Chloe exhaled deeply, silent tears falling down her face. "When did you write that Beca?" Her question hung in the air as I slowly lifted my eyes to see her standing inches from my face.
"A week ago." I whispered trying my hardest not to lean forward and kiss her. Chloe closed the gap, her lips tasted like strawberry gum. The kiss only lasted a couple seconds before she pulled away. Tears falling down my face freely as I tried to contain a sob. "Chloe I want to come home." My hands fell weakly to my sides as I still clutched the tattered letter in my hands. She didn't say anything as conflict filled her eyes.
"I never locked the door." She spilled without thinking. "I left the light on for you." Her chest deflated as she thought back to the last few months of her life without me. "I think…" Her sentence drifted as she thought about what to say. My heart felt like it was shattering as I prepared for the well-deserved rejection that I knew was coming. "Come home then Beca." Her eyes narrowed with seriousness bleeding into her dilated pupils. "This is it though Beca, I can't keep doing this." For the first time that night I realized how exhausted the older woman looked. Not just physically but emotionally. "No more lies, no pushing me away. This is it." She stated firmly. "I also think there's some things we need to talk about but how about we go grab something to eat? I'm famished." She smiled but it didn't quite reach her eyes this time. This time we began walking in step, occasionally letting our hands brush against each other. We walked into the restaurant around the corner and sat in the both by the window. Chloe was watching the people outside bustling around. I ordered us coffee and nodded politely to the waitress as she said something about coming back in a minute to take our order. "I'm sorry." Chloe finally spoke as her face turned towards my slumped body. Shock must have been written on my face as I took the words in. "For not telling you. For not telling you everything." She finally explained. "I was just afraid to lose you but I guess I shouldn't have been selfish because the way you found out was just… heartbreaking and wrong." I nodded with familiar sadness creeping in when the image of that night flooded my mind. "It was wrong and you had every right to hate me Beca."
"I never hated you Chloe." I interjected sharply gaining a wide eyed response. "I could never hate you. You're Chloe Beale. I asked you to marry me for fuck sake." Instinctively she reached up to the ring hanging from her neck. "I believe in what you did for me." I said honestly meaning it this time. "I was just hurt, especially because I felt like I gave you so many oppurtunities to come clean. I also know how terrifying my siblings are. I know how hard they can be and I know how painfully crippling it is to be afraid of losing something that you don't think you can live without." Chloe was about to say something when the waitress seemed to appear out of nowhere. I ordered for us, the same thing that we always got when we came her during our time at Barden. Chloe smiled again as she realized that I remembered that also. "Can you fill in some things for me or at the very least try to?" She hesitated before nodding. "How long were you in town before that night at my brother's?" Chloe thought deeply for a moment.
"Four months." She said quickly.
"How many times did I see you?" I asked as multiple memories of a random red head popped in my mind.
"Nine, I kept trying to approach you but I wasn't even sure who you were anymore. I knew Beca was still in there but you were Skylar then and I wasn't sure how to approach you." Her voice steady and slow as she spoke. "Before you ask, Stacie and Cynthia were my inside eyes the whole time. They watched you and stayed in on the town talk to keep me updated." I sighed knowing that Chloe could practically read my mind. "Can I ask you something?" I nodded thinking it was only fair. "I know it's really soon and everything but will you please just move in with me?" I raised an eye brow in confusion but stifled the thoughts pouring into my mind. "I just want to know that when I wake up every day, you'll be there. I want to know you're not a figment of my imagination Beca. You're like a ghost, one second you're here and then as soon as I reach out to touch you… You vanish." I opened my mouth to respond but Chloe wasn't done with her thought. "I know you came to my apartment. Not just today but every single time. I'd watch you from my window just sitting in your car. Every time I ran outside to try and talk to you… Well you'd be gone. I've seen you sulking around the campus peaking glances from the other side of your laptop screen as I walked to teach class. I saw you at the park the night I sat on the swings crying. I wanted more than anything to call out to you but I couldn't find my voice." I watched her talk completely in bewilderment. "We don't have to be official or anything but I just want you to come home. For real this time."
"Okay Chloe." I agreed without needing any convincing after she blurted out the question. "Are you sure though?" I hesitantly asked. She didn't need to respond because I could see the answer swimming in the depths of her bright blue eyes.