Chapter Twenty-Six
He hasn't felt this tired since Kenma set him up on his medication schedule, but he ignores the feeling because he's certain that practicing volleyball will get him fired up, Daichi had told him secretly that the Nekoma coach had gotten Karasuno invited to a big training camp. That there were really famous schools going, he couldn't bring shame to his high school because he was tired! Suga-san unlocked the club door while Daichi and Asahi were setting up the net. Suga looks like he wants to say something, and Hinata is waiting for it, but don't come before the club room door opens and he decides that anything his upperclassman has to say, can wait until he's changed into his gym clothes.
Suga-san follows him to the back of the room, which he should find strange because the silver haired boy usually changed next to Daichi near the door. "Hinata, can we talk?" It's a gentle request, like Hinata might run away unless the older boy whispered at him. He turns back, folding Daichi's jacket and folding his game inside of it. "Sure, n-what's up?" He's feeling kind of anxious under the weird look that the taller boy gives him, like Suga might yell at him. He wonders if Suga is about to challenge him to a fight.
"Are you- I mean, how are things-" Suga sighs quietly, Hinata watches his lips squirm in distaste. The older boy looks up suddenly, eyes narrowed and dangerous. Like a snake's. Like Grand King's. He swallows a lump in his throat, and leans away from the older boy. He's pretty sure that Suga would never hurt him, or challenge him to a fight, but he does look pretty scary right now. "Are you in a relationship with Daichi?" Hinata pauses at the question, then laughs harder than he's sure is healthy. His stomach starts to ache when he notices that Suga is glaring at him darkly.
His laughter dies off quickly, he can feel himself pouting now. "No, I-I" He pauses, looking at his socked feet so the older boy won't notice the blush on his cheeks. I love Kenma. "You?" Suga prompts. He smiles to himself, it's weird seeing this side of the older boy, the teasing and prying personality he's never witnessed before. "I like Daichi, he's a really good captain, and his receive is really awesome!" He realizes that that probably makes him look like a stalker who steals Daichi's clothes and admires him too strongly, "But I- I like someone else." He mumbles the last part, but Suga-san is oddly silent. He can feel the older boy's gaze on him, thinking and judging, assessing. A word he learned from Haruo-sensei. His smile feels sad when he thinks about the people in Tokyo that he thinks of as family.
"Is she cute?" He looks up at Suga, sharing his sad smile with the older boy. It was nice that people couldn't just notice that he was in love with a boy, that a boy was in love with him. He wonders about that for a long moment. Could I like other boys? Could I like Grand King like he likes me? He tries not to let his feelings towards Kenma influence his decision, because he could never love anyone the same way he loves Kenma, thankful that the boy helped him become a better person, someone that helped him be a little more happy in his own body. "Yeah." He answers. Suga makes a soft noises, he can see the older boy disappear through his inky bangs. I need a haircut. He contemplates letting it grow out while he changes into his gym clothes, wonders if he could pull off long hair like Asahi-san can.
Kageyama shows up when he finishes getting dressed, his new window jumping habit makes their races always lean in his favor. The taller boy glares at him, probably finding the situation completely unfair, he could always jump too. He waves at Suga as the older boy makes to leave, he gets a smile in return, an easy going one that makes him forget about the dark looks and low voice from earlier. He waits for Kageyama to get dressed, but regrets the decision when the dark haired boy decides to stare at him the entire time he's undressing.
He's not sure how to feel about it, but he does let his eyes wander, taking in pale skin and bruises. Kageyama's thighs aren't as impressive as Kenma's, but he's pretty sure that's more of a biased opinion than an objective observation. Kageyama's shoulders are wider than Kenma's, he doesn't think he'd like the wiggle room between their shoulders if the dark haired boy ever hugged him. Kenma's skin was oddly more attractive to him than Kageyama's a different kind of pale, he's not sure how pale skin can be different, but decides that Kenma's body is just better than Kageyama's, for no reason other than because he loves the boy from Tokyo.
Kageyama finally looks away from him after he tries to pull his knee pad over his neck. Hinata doesn't laugh because of how close they are, but he'd definitely share this moment when Noya and Tanana-senpai when the setter was out of hearing range. The taller boy dresses much more quickly after that incident, and they head into the gym together. He informs Kageyama about the training camp that Daichi had told him about, memorizes the way the setter's eyes bulge out and start burning in passion. He decides that Kageyama could almost be attractive if he could keep that facial expression up forever, staring at someone that intensely, without glaring or being creepy, would probably get the taller boy a date, if nothing else. Not that he's ever been on a date, or has any idea how girls work. Does Kageyama even like girls?
Hinata is pretty sure that Kageyama would rather date a volleyball than a person, which he doesn't find as weird as he probably should. They slide into the gym, pulling on their training shoes in silent tandem. He wonders if Kageyama is nervous about the training camp, if he'd be quiet like he was on the way to the pre-lims all those months ago, their first game in competition.
He thinks about all the ways that he and Kageyama have grown as volleyball partners since then; he's actually not sure about it, he's never even told Kageyama about Grand King's confession, or about his time with Kenma or about his time in Tokyo all together. Ignoring the spike of fear and guilt in his heart about Tokyo, he decides that Kageyama should at least know about Kenma, he'd probably get murdered if the taller boy found out that Grand King had confessed to him, that the mark on his neck belonged to his ex-senpai.
They practice serving for a short while, Kageyama giving him grunted instructions on how to aim more accurately. He hates it as much as he appreciates it, Kageyama is the best server on their team, but undoubtedly the worst serving teacher he's ever had. Even Yamaguchi had managed to instruct him better, despite the pinch server's reluctance to give out his jump float secrets. No offence, he admits quietly, realizing he had unintentionally insulted the taller boy.
Asahi and Noya-senpai show up in the same moment, they're both laughing quietly as they pull on training shoes, Tanaka shows up a step behind, fuming and looking like he's going to be in a bad mood for a while. Hinata tries not to let guilt wash over him, wondering if the boy is still mad at him over the two meat bun incidents he's caused. Those thoughts are quickly extinguished when the shaved head turns to him and smiles, a friendly one, he notes before offering one back. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima show up after he serves two more times, both of them being easily received on the other side of the net. He's kind of just glad that they had started going over the net.
Tsukishima glares at him, but keeps his distance without making any remarks, he thinks that's kind of weird, but he's not quite complaining. Yamaguchi waves at him, which is also weird because it'd been him that started their greetings. Did I do something without knowing it? He really hopes that those two hadn't heard him thinking out loud, he rubs at his neck in thought, fingers digging into the scarred flesh where Grand King's teeth had dug into his skin. That might be it, he supposed, but that doesn't explain why Yamaguchi was waving at him. He decides to ignore it, tugging his t-shirt up as high as it can to cover his damaged neck, and throws another serve, he's not sure if it's the angle or the suddenness of his action that causes Noya to dive for the ball, but he's glad he managed to pull the reaction from the older boy. Maybe Kageyama's not as bad a teacher as I thought. He looks up at the taller boy, who nods at him carefully, then offers him another ball instead of throwing it at him.
Daichi sets up a game between their team, six on six, he's disappointed that Kageyama isn't on his side of the net, but he also accepts it as a challenge to show the other boy that he's an individual player. There's nervousness that attempts to consume him he's made to serve first instead of being in front of the net, he does a jump serve instead of the one Kageyama's been teaching him. Whoops loudly when it hits the ground instead of someone's hand, Kageyama stares at him with his fiery gaze that's usually reserved for enemy setters, mostly Grand King. His next to serves his the ground on Kageyama's court without much struggle, he thinks it's odd that they can't receive his serves, wonders if the strength he has surprises him, not as strong as his ground serve, but not as soft as a float serve. Briefly wonders how other teams would react to his awkward serving, probably the same as our quick, but maybe with less gawking.
Kageyama makes sure the next one doesn't hit the ground, almost ramming his face into Ennoshita's as he lunges for the ball. The second year gripes at him briefly before working his way under the ball, having to set it up now that their setter can't touch it. It ends up as fowl, Tanaka spiking the ball out of bounds while Noya barks out laughter at his failure. The taller boy growls and vows his vengeance on his best friend. The next serve doesn't hit the ground either, but Kageyama isn't the one who dives for it, just ducks under it when the ball is propelled back into the air, Tanaka starts screaming as he's running up to spike, but it's Asahi who spikes it silently from the back. He thinks it's weirder seeing Kageyama serve on the other side of the net than the others from his team. He is my rival. The game brings back memories of his first and only game during middle school. Decides that Kageyama's face is less annoying than it had been back then.
They exchange sets back and forth, but it's Hinata's team that wins the game. And the one after that. Kageyama looks really, really mad, Hinata is pretty sure that he can see the taller boy's nostrils flaring from across the gym and decides that he'd rather not be alone with Kageyama for the rest of the night. He burdens Noya-senpai with his training, begging him to teach him awesome receives and they get caught up in the task until Daichi kicks them out of the gym.
His mood saddens when he exits the gym, he changes quickly into his uniform, unpleasantly reminded that his own is still at his mother's house, along with his bike. Kageyama doesn't comment about that as they walk out of the club room together, the taller boy looks almost on edge as they exit through the front gates like he's expecting Grand King to show up again. If Kageyama notices that he's been ditched, he doesn't say anything, Hinata rushes after Daichi and Suga-san with his empty bentos and bag. Running is a little awkward with the baggy material hanging off his frame, but he manages to catch up to his captain quickly. "Hinata." Suga nods at him from around Daichi and smiles at him, the same easy smile from earlier. He smiles back, partly because of Suga's previous accusation of him dating Daichi.
He looks up at the captain in question and tilts his head, he likes to think Daichi would be a good husband, even if he was scary at times, he'd be rough and warm and funny sometimes. He's never really seen Daichi interact with another girl besides Shimizu, which has barely happened in front of him besides greetings and other formalities. Daichi was nice enough to house him, which meant that Daichi would be even nicer to a girl -or boy, maybe. He figured that Suga-san would be the same way, but soft in ways that Daichi was rough, but still just as warm.
"Hinata is staying with me." Daichi says when the sky starts get darker, their walking too slow to escape the shadows that started to drift in. He tucks himself closer to the older boy, ignoring the fear and the way he hates himself for being scared of something stupid. Daichi doesn't comment though, just settles a rough and warm hand on his shoulder as they walk. Suga-san catches his eye from around Daichi and studies him. "Why is that?" He'd been expecting the question, but not in such a blunt manner. Daichi's hand squeezes his shoulder, Hinata wonders if he's asking for permission, he nods against Daichi's chest just in case. "He got kicked out."
Suga stops walking. So do they. The silver hair boy steps in front of him, bending down until their eyes are the same height. "Are you okay, Shouyou?" He's pretty sure that Suga hadn't called him by his given name since he met Kenma, it's a weird bittersweet memory that he thinks he likes. He likes having more memories of Kenma, ignores the sting that Kuroo had been in that same one. Kuroo who claimed him, and used him, called him names and made him scared of shadows. He swallows loudly as he nods, tries to ignored the itch in his eyes. Decided to blame it on getting kicked out instead of Kuroo. He's not sure why the other boy hurts him more than his mother condemning him. Freak. Whore.
Breathing gets a little harder the longer the older boy stares at him, waiting for him to crack, to sob and cry and scream. He wants to do those things, just not in front of his teammates. I'll be strong for you. But Kenma wasn't here, so he'd have to be strong for himself, which meant no crying. Hinata offers the silver haired boy a smile, but it feels soft and broken and everything a smile shouldn't be. "I'll be fine." Eventually. He would be, he'd heard that people get kicked out all the time and lived happy lives alone. He didn't want to be alone.
"That's kind of common out here," Suga starts, but he's interested in exactly where here is, "I never thought it would happen to anyone I know, let alone a first year." He can hear the sorry in Suga's tone, and he almost offers the older boy a hug, but the dark is creeping in more steadily and he'd rather not have Suga see him crying like a baby. "I'll be fine." It's more even than his last attempt, but not quite a promise. Suga-san looks like he believes it. "I'm surprised that Daichi took you in, though." Hinata huffs in amusement, half a smile tugging at his lips. He was surprised too, but now he's glad that he didn't have to give up on his dreams in Miyagi.
"I was too," He admits quietly, "Your offer didn't surprise me as much, Suga-san." The setter laughs quietly, then starts walking. He and Daichi follow. "I couldn't have a teammate homeless, who knows what kind of trouble this one would start on the street." Daichi's voice is fond, but something else. He wonders if Daichi was scared for him, or if he's worried. He'd never known Daichi to worry as a friend instead of a captain, he thinks the gesture is warm. "You didn't tell anyone, right?" He's not sure who Daichi would tell, besides Suga, who apparently didn't know before now. "I think... I think we'd both get in a lot of trouble if an adult found out, so no. I didn't." He can't dispute that, but he does feel guilty that he might get Daichi in trouble if he stays longer.
"You're probably right." He says, but he needs to say more, thank Daichi for saving him from everything. Get him a gift or something. "Do you know you got kicked out?" It's Suga that asks, Daichi hadn't pried anything but the night he'd come home screaming. His heart stops for half a second and his throat is refusing to make words. "Yeah." Is all the answer he gives, hoping the older boy would drop it, catch onto his fear.
He doesn't.
"Tell us, Hinata?" His voice is soft and gentle, but pressing in an uncomfortable way. He wants to run but Daichi's hand clamps down on his shoulder. "Uh-" Freak. He tries to think of a lie, but he doesn't want to lie. His brain won't let him think of anything. " There's something wrong with me." An anxiety disorder probably. He hates the way his explanation comes out. Disorder. The word makes his stomach squirm, threatening to evacuate his lunch from his stomach. "Wrong?" Freak. Whore. Mine. He swallows, nodding into his captain's chest, spreading tears into the dark fabric. Clenches his eyes because strong people don't cry. "You have to promise- not to tell." Mental disorders are frowned upon in Japan, treated like scum. Freak.
Daichi hums, it vibrates in his ear; the sliver he can see of Suga's face reveals a pout and a worried eye, the silver haired boy nods, "I promise." They both say, Hinata almost wishes that they didn't. That they'd drop this. That this wouldn't be real, that he wouldn't have to tell anyone besides Kenma. That he could hide the pills, the panic attacks, the screaming and crying, hide his inability to breathe. Just a little longer, he wishes for that. But the older boys stop walking, can feel two pairs of eyes on him, asking, judging, prying.
"I'm-" a freak, a whore, a slut. "I have a-" disorder, I'm broken and weak. He buys time by wiping hot tears from his eyes, dabbing at the with sleeves that aren't his. "I have an anxiety disorder." He says, all at once. There's no light feeling, no weight lifted from his shoulders as he shares with his teammates. He chokes down a sob, waiting for their reactions, but they just keep walking. They hate me, Daichi is gonna kick me out and never talk to me again. "Is that all?" Suga asks, as if there could be more, more problems for him to handle without Kenma.
"I have to take medication for it, and I didn't even know about it- for years." He's not sure how long, it feels like forever since eating rice at his mother's house didn't require large glasses of water or skipping meals. "What kind of medication?" It's Daichi that asks this, almost an accusation, asking if he's taking it or if it's even available. "I dunno the name of it, I got a refill for it in Tokyo." Daichi hums, like he's appeased at that information. Hinata thinks he probably is, for whatever reason. "Things are different now, but old families still look down on it." The way Suga explains it like an apology doesn't escape him, it puts a bitter taste in his mouth, he doesn't want Suga to apologize for something that's not his fault, or his problem.
"If you ever need anything..." He's not sure what he could need, if he'd even feel comfortable asking Suga-san for anything, he knows that the older boy would do it, would take on a burden because he's broken. He doesn't want that. "We can help you." Hinata isn't sure how Daichi feels about being volunteered for more than housing him, but the dark haired man remains silent, still holding on his shoulder. "I get panic attacks, the pills help with them, and I can't breathe. I hate loud noises. I'm scared of the dark..." It all sound horrible out loud, and stupid. Hinata Shouyou scared of the dark, what an idiot. He wonders if he should even be calling himself a Hinata anymore, but he pushes that aside, thinking he has enough to deal with at the moment.
"How do you handle the panic attacks?" Suga had seen one, after their game against The Iron Wall, when the whistles and the chanting had been too loud. I grab onto Kenma and he makes my lungs work. He's not sure how to put that into words, ends up shrugging silently. "I- Someone just holds me, I guess, until it's over." He's pretty sure he can hear Suga-san smirk over the sounds of his sniffling. "Someone?" The older boy asks innocently, but he knows it's anything but. Stupid teasing Suga. He's pretty sure that if Daichi and Suga talked, they'd be able to figure out who that someone was. He's not sure if that would be a bad thing, just a lot of teasing, maybe some awkwardness when they found out that that someone wasn't a girl. He doesn't want them to hate him because he loves a boy. A Kenma.
"Well, I don't know if we can avoid loud noises- we play volleyball after all, but I'm sure Daichi and I can keep you from the dark and help you through your panic attacks." The tears roll down his cheeks more violently at that, his breathing turning into embarrassing hiccups and sobs. "Y-you don't have t-to do that." He informs, hoping selfishly that Suga would still agree. "We're teammates- and friends." He didn't know that Suga thought of him as more than that, as a friend, a true friend. He swallows hard and nods, Daichi's hand is rubbing his shoulder, rough and warm. "I don't want to burden you." He admits, wiping at his nose and eyes with an already damp sleeve. He'll have to learn to wash laundry if he keeps this up.
"I don't want to burden you." He echoes, but he means Thank you. Suga-san makes a soft noise, then they all stop walking. They're all in front of Daichi's house, Daichi leads them inside, Hinata thinks it's a little weird being inside his captain's house with another person, even if that person is Daichi's best friend. The all settle at Daichi's little study table, Suga jumping up to make tea without offering.
Hinata thinks that's weird, making tea in somebody else's house, but he can't help but notice how at ease the silver haired boy is in Daichi's kitchen. Like their tense prying hadn't happened. But it did happen, they know and I... He's not sure what to feel, but he doesn't feel as relieved as he would have hoped when telling another person. He glances up at Daichi, who's working on school work, and smiles softly. Daichi doesn't hate him, isn't mad that he hid stuff, is still hiding stuff. Daichi's content to protect him, kind of like Kenma, but he doesn't love his captain the same way he loves Kenma.
Suga stays over for hours, Hinata watches the older males interact, working together seamlessly, exchanging answers and information quietly. It's interesting to watch, even if he feels like a bit of an outsider, he didn't take any of his school work home. Not wanting to carry more in his gym bag than clothes and it was unlikely was going to finish his assignments even if he did have the materials. He should really look for a tutor. A free one.
He ends up inviting Suga-san over for dinner, he's not sure why, feels awkward and mortified as he realizes what he's saying. Being alone with Daichi seems like an awkward prospect, with Suga's teasing about his someone, and his captain's new knowledge about his disorder. Suga-san also makes Daichi a little less tense, which is always a plus. Suga tries to leave, but after a small insistence from Daichi the silver haired boy sits back down.
He likes cooking, even if it's just measuring and pouring water and rice into a cooker, and and then cutting Daichi's mystery meat. It's not cow or chicken. Those are the only meats he can identify raw and cooked, but Daichi just smiles awkwardly when he asks. Suga pokes at the strips he cuts up with a chopstick, then shrugs uselessly. "What if it's like, goat or something?" He asks, because he's never seen a goat in Miyagi, for all he knows Daichi could be killing them.
Suga just snorts, "Somehow, I doubt that it's goat, Hinata." He stares at the taller boy evenly.
"Have you ever seen a goat in Miyagi- Japan for that matter?" He demands, wondering if he's even seen a goat in person. Suga blanches at the question, "You know, I-I don't think I have..." The silver haired boy stares suspiciously at their captain, Hinata joins him after the strips are put into the pan.
Daichi splutters, a weird blush spreading across his cheeks. "I have no idea what it is!" He spouts indignantly, Suga looks unimpressed but Hinata can tell he's hiding a smile.
"Goat killer."