5. Look Down

The lessons in humility the life was giving him. He never before thought himself able to stand being the lowest servant of them all. But here he was, his destiny again hanging by a single thread, surrounded by people who knew him only as a criminal, people who despised the very idea of a Death Eater. And him working for them. It was a sick relationship, even worse than the one when he was in power, when he acted as the Headmaster. In his previous life he wouldn't be able to suffer it even for a minute. But now he had been preconditioned to it he just knew that any form of resistance, being it passive or active, will end up badly for him. Those people just waited for his disobedience. So he was calm, collected and polite no matter what sort of insults they were throwing at him and he never, never looked them in the eyes.

This way they could accept his continued presence. This way maybe they won't find a reason to hurt him again. It was a small hope but the one he was clinging to. This way was a way to stay alive day after tedious day.

His first meal here as a part of the staff he was given a coupon to the Headquarters' cantina and told to utilize it from now. But before heading there he was inspected by Chang and a deep scowl was a result of that inspection.

"Your fingernails are dirty, your hair is unkempt, your face looks like it could use a soap. Your appearance brings shame to us. Rectify it at once."

Snape had finally passed the inspection. By that time he had already scrubbed his skin raw and washed his teeth no less than five times. He was starting to wonder if he was to be put to some kind of exhibition when Chang nodded once and allowed him to put on the grey-blue working robes of Headquarter's staff.

"You are supposed to be neat at any time of the day", his new boss instructed him. "No matter what are you currently doing. This is a respectable place and every our worker takes pride in being employed here. Understood?"

"Yes, sir", muttered Severus, feeling extremely uncomfortable with his hair tied back. It felt like the last shield he had had been taken from him.

Chang was watching him impassively. He seemed to care only about the quality of his work, not his damnable past. During the next week he even started to look approving when he saw that Snape was no idler and took his job seriously, even if it was the most mundane type of work like sweeping the floor. He never commented on him being the convicted criminal.

As far as it went Chang was an exception.

Upon entering the cantina a dozen of heads rose to watch him. The stares he was given were ranging from unpleasant to threatening. All normal dinner talk shushed up and after a moment whispers started. Severus observed the lunching staff in passing, trying not to look at them directly. It seemed that the lower was the rank of the worker, the more scandalized he or she appeared. While the cleaners, the dragon keepers, the feeders and the repair crew were all shooting him angry glares, from magmechanics, vets and all kinds of office workers what came was a raised eyebrow or a carefully blank face.

Severus already knew all those types of reaction by heart, there were even times he was subtly amused by it. You couldn't be a proper spy without being generally hated, it went with the job, at least in Severus' opinion. Once upon a time he welcomed that hatred because being hated was better than being laughed at. Now when the life have given him a lesson that you could be easily both at the same time, he didn't like the feeling anymore. Alas, there was nothing he could do about it now. So he gritted his teeth and queued for his meal.

"You upset my appetite, you stupid bastard", said someone behind him. Severus wished dearly to turn to the botherer and retort with something scathing, like 'I hope I've upsetted your shitting as well.' or 'Good. I will eat your portion for you with pleasure.' but he knew that doing it will be asking for a punch in the face. So he instead stared stonily ahead, watching the cook pouring some kind of meat stew into a bowl of a guy staying ahead of him.

"Don't you ignore me, you piece of dragon dung!", hissed the bastard behind his back. Severus felt something poking his rib and this time he whirled to face his opponent. The thing poking him turned out to be a finger, not the man's wand and the wild heartbeat that erupted in Severus' chest slowed down. The man was a standard office-worker wearing a dull grey set of standard office robes and the slight sneer was the only lively feature of his face. Severus gauged him to be a man who wouldn't endure five minutes in the battlefield. In normal circumstances he would have laughed at the man's face. That day he just looked down at the man's feet, clad in standard black oxfords.

"I don't ignore you, sir. I have simply nothing to say, sir."

From under his eyelashes he saw man's expression turning to one of disappointment. He surely expected some defiance. He didn't know that Severus was already past defiance. He could not know how much pain the defiance had costed Severus.

"Maybe you should say something. Maybe you should explain what are you doing here!", snapped the dull man irritably.

He wanted confrontation. Not good. Severus had no chances in winning, not even with this bald fatty excuse of a wizard. He shook his head slowly. "Excuse me sir, but I don't understand your question. I am here because they have sent me here. I am not free to move around. And if you mean being here, I am a human being who needs food."

The man looked a little confused about how to answer. He obviously did not catch the very subtle irony of Severus speech, he was too dumb for that. "Well, that's surely..."

"Move on, I don't have whole day!", snapped the irritated cook, saving Snape from more of this conversation. He gave his coupon to the cook who smirked upon seeing it and Severus. "A new face on board, yes? Here we have some special offer for you!"

A 'special offer' turned out to be the cheapest dish available, which was a strange-tasting soup and a stew but not the kind of which he has seen given to the man before him. This one had much more carrot inside than anything else and a lonely piece of some meat was floating on the surface. Snape took it wordlessly and went into a search of a place to seat. Near all of them were occupied by people who were severely displeased with his continued presence so he spent nearly a minute walking around until he spotted a small table squeezed into a corner. He sat there and started to eat, listening to the conversations that by now turned back to normal.

An air of animosity surrounding him was nearly palpable by the third day of him working as part of Headquater's staff. People spit at the ground when he was passing them and called him filthy names. People sneered and hissed and harassed him. They did not dare cause him any bodily harm, he has heard someone muttering that there was an order issued from a superior to leave him in peace. But 'Leaving him in peace' apparently did not extend to them hindering his work. There were tiles loosened so he tripped over them, there were substances spilled 'accidentally' on the floor which took him many trials with different cleaning solutions to scour off, there were utensils magically disappearing. One day he was chasing around a hammer that was spelled to avoid him. Those were stupid, spiteful little things but also ones that were making him feel even more hopeless. With a little bit of magic he wouldn't have been bothered by them. But his magic, the only worthy thing that he have ever possessed, was taken from him.

And so he was initially scared too, because they all had their wands and were free to use them. But the more he observed them, the more he was starting to notice that they were in fact mostly not using magic. Their wands were kept in view, secured in wand-holsters at their belts and they never had a manner of touching them or making vague gestures like they were considering reaching for it. For Severus who was so used to watching intently his peers when they were fiddling with their sleeves, waiting if they make a single suspicious movement so he could outmatch them, it was a strange situation. It was almost like they were not afraid of an attack.

He could not pinpoint what caused such behavior. Only after Martin Scoresee approached him on his fourth day Severus was given some explanation.

"Magic? You cannot use it around here, not really. The dragon magic interferes with the wizard magic so we tend to keep it down to a minimum around their living quarters. They are especially irritated by the embedded kinds of magic, like Transfiguration but all the items that were somehow charmed on the way are causing them distress. So we make most things Muggle way. Of course there are some exceptions like protections surrounding the Headquarters but inside we try to not use spells."

Severus frowned and nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. He felt pretty uncomfortable there, sitting on a leather sofa in Martin's office. Following the Auror up to the higher parts of the building he was afraid that someone will see him and complain about his presence here. But Martin laughed at that, saying that there was no soul here in the weekends, except for him and his team who was on duty.

"I've also noticed something strange", murmured Severus, putting down the cup and looking at his hands folded on his lap. The whole situation was deeply unsettling for him anyway. "Their mannerism concerning the usage of wands…"

"Ah!", Martin nodded knowingly. "You mean the Decorum? Every student of Salem Institute and California School of Magical Arts is taught it at the very beginning of their training. Don't you have anything similar in Britain?"

"You have to explain me first what the Decorum means."

"Well there are some basic rules deriving from good manners as well as our quest for safety within our country. You see, when everyone is armed, you have to teach them how to use their weapons and a wand is a weapon. I wouldn't go into details now but basically you have to keep your wand in sight when you are in wizarding areas, as well as you have to state clearly your intentions of using magic on somebody. If you pull your wand and point it at somebody without saying which spell you want to use, he or she has right to assume that you will be attacking them and answer in kind. And the guilt goes to the one who pulled out his weapon first, not the one who shot a spell. The kids are taught that the wand is not to be fiddled with, as Muggles do not fiddle with their pistols."

"I'm impressed.", said Severus. "So you actually have classes on it? Our students could have used that, they are far too careless with their wands up to sitting on them or sticking them behind their ears."

"Believe me, if somebody will want to hex you, you will know it beforehand. And that brings us to important things. How are you adapting?"

"As well as anticipated for a grasshopper in the ant-hill." He shook his head at the Auror's frowning. "No, they won't eat me, at least I don't think so. They not once tried to cause me bodily harm. But they are angry and they display that anger in many ways. I cannot blame them for that, they are reacting to a presence of a Death Eater. I am a personification of all the evil that befallen your country during the last war. I understand their disposition towards me, on the contrary, I can't get my head round the idea of why you are so intent on helping me."

"I've already told you, it is about my priorities."

Severus felt like smirking so he did just that. It felt good. "Priorities can only get you as far. So please, don't feed me this bullshit, Officer. You already know that I'm fairly well, they feed me properly, do not make me work too hard and Chang even gave me free Sundays. It's a decent treatment for a prisoner. You could have well stopped at that. You didn't and it's not your sense of duty that made you invite me here for a private talk."

Scoresee laughed. He shifted papers lying scattered on his desk and pulled out what looked like a copy of a newspaper page. "All right, you have me there, spy. It's curiosity, plain and simple. I've got interested because my dragon got interested in you and Amaranth is a good judge of characters so he had to see something worthy in you. And so I've searched some information on you – on your life, your sins, your trial – in sources open for general use. And found scarcely anything. I know you were a teacher at Hogwarts, that you joined Voldemort ranks at young age and that you supposedly spied on him for Albus Dumbledore. That you were tried and absolved in early '80 and the person that gave his testimony was Albus Dumbledore. That you continued to work at Hogwarts until the second war came and it was first assumed that you returned to spying and working for Dumbledore's secret organization. And then you murdered your Headmaster… you took his job… you were branded the worst Headmaster of Hogwarts… you were caught and sentenced. Those are bare facts which I've picked up in various articles and I have to say there was little substance in them, nothing that could say what sort of man you had been. You are a man of mystery, Severus Snape, and I'm especially fond of mysteries. And look only at the descriptions of happenings following the Battle of Hogwarts. There is much information and detailed too but near to nothing about you and other Death Eaters. And the following articles doesn't rectify that. Please take a look at them and tell me what do you think."

Severus scanned the articles with some interest, sipping his coffee. There were things he didn't knew like the list of people who died or Ministry policies after the war. Scratch this off, he was oblivious about it all. He was moved to the cell in Azkaban as soon as he was caught and from that point he had no knowledge of things happening in the outside world. He felt somehow strangely when he read that both Lupins died in the battle. It looked like he outlived all of his old enemies after all, not that their fates were worse than his.

And he should also be dead. He really should have. He had no idea what fancy game the Destiny was playing with him but he wished he could just quit.

He read further. Hogwart castle was in ruins, they've said it will take many months to rebuild it. There was a picture of it next to the article and he saw that two of its walls crashed down and the Gryffindor tower was there no more. He felt something akin to sadness, he still thought about it as his home despite all terrible things that happened to him in its walls. He turned a page and saw a list of the Orders of Merlin; Potter has got the First Class, Granger and Weasley the Second Class. Many were issued post mortem. All of the members of Order Of Phoenix were decorated with them.

Except him, of course.

A couple of articles dealt with cabinet changes, like hiring new heads of departments or elections of the Minister of Magic which were won, not surprisingly, by Kingsley Shacklebolt. He skimmed through them, he had no real interest in politics. He paused at the material dealing with repercussion. Here at last Death Eaters were mentioned but in such derogatory manner like they were some rabid animals that had to be put in order. Nothing about the crimes they committed, no biographical notes, even their names weren't put on paper. He finished reading with a feeling of nonexistence. But he already suspected as well, didn't he? The message from the Ministry was clear: Death Eaters were to be not remembered.

"A nice collection you have here, Officer.", he commented.

"All of that hardly worth reading", retorted Scoresee. "True information lays in secret files of the Auror Office and MoM. But we have no access to them without going through some tedious paperwork. I prefer easier ways to gather intelligence and that is by talking to people. And that is why I am asking you, Mr. Snape. Who are you? How did you end up here?"

"Oh, so you want my story. But why would you believe me?"

"I want no proofs of innocence, Mr. Snape. I just wish to satisfy my curiosity. If you decide to lie, well, it's up to you."

Severus stared at Martin Scoresee long and hard. The man appeared to be sincere. Severus wondered if American Aurors were trained at detecting lies and which methods they were using. It didn't matter anyway. He was not prepared to share his life story with anybody. Of course he could not refuse the Auror straight out. He owed him, after all. But he might just have an idea.

"Maybe I will be willing. But it is difficult for me", he said. "I would like to get something from you first. Information for information. You see, there is a mystery I would like to dispel. It concerns my death."

"Your death?"

"Yes, my death. You see, I should have died on the battlefield. I didn't and I still don't know why."

"Like you were hurt and didn't die?"

"No. Like I was killed and didn't die."

Scoresee was frowning. "I believe I can't get my mind around the idea. Could you say something more?"

"I can. The last day of the battle, the Dark Lord have called me so I came. He was obviously concerned over something and I thought he was wondering if our forces are enough against Americans. But he wanted something else from me. He explained to me that the wand that was before in possession of Albus Dumbledore was thought to be the most powerful wand known to wizards. It's a part of our mythology that such an artifact exist, you see. Maybe it was true, maybe not, the important thing being that the Dark Lord believed it. And he believed also that because I've killed Dumbledore the wand recognized me as its new master. So now, he said regretfully, he had to kill me."

Severus remembered that just too well. The cold dread seeping into his veins, his heart hammering in his chest, the wish to bolt, fingers closing around his wand…

"He set his snake on me, a huge beast ten meters long. I had no chances when it coiled around me. But the Dark Lord stopped his pet before it buried its fangs in my flesh."

Severus instinctively embraced himself. Still he could feel the crushing power of animal's muscles. All the air had been squeezed out of his lungs and a terrible shriek had escaped from his lips.

"I apologize, but I want no chances with you, my friend. The rest I have to do myself. The wand shan't be confused about who its owner is."

"He called me 'his friend' straight before training his wand, the old one, not Dumbledore's, at me. That was so Voldemort", Severus rolled his eyes. "He shot me with Killing Curse, touching his wand to my forehead as to not harm his bloody snake. I knew I was dead. I felt darkness closing around me and in me. Then I felt no more."

Scoresee blinked. "And?"

"And I was woken up by Aurors. They believed I've fainted. I did not faint, Officer. I was killed but the Death did not come for me. If you give me a credible explanation of this phenomenon, then I might be inclined to share some of my life story with you."

"That is quite a mystery", admitted Scoresee, smiling widely. "Do you have more of them up your sleeves? By the way you look at me I suppose you do. Give me a week and I will bring you the answer."

"A week?" Severus smirked at the Auror who looked smug. "It will take you much more than that." It will take you a whole eternity to solve that one, Officer, he thought.

"We will see about it."

That Saturday was shitty straight from the beginning. Verbatim. Upon exiting a small room that before becoming his sleeping quarters was probably a broom closet he walked straight into a huge pile of dragon dung. The next half hour he spent cleaning his working boots and sweeping the floor until even the smell vanished, all the time cursing profusely. He decided against telling Chang, as it would make him look even weaker than he felt. The word 'Snivellus' was engraved in his memory and one of the things that always enraged him was being called a coward. He will endure the bastards' stupid little pranks, they will not catch him sniveling.

After cleaning he barely had time for a breakfast. He had to report to Chang every morning at eight o'clock. So he rushed through his meal – tasteless tea and bread with low-quality cold meats – and run to the stables, where the staff was already gathering for a briefing. As he tried not to fall asleep during Chang's longish talk he dreamed of coffee, a nice brand like the one Scoresee treated him to. Hell, in that moment he was nearly ready to tell the Auror his deepest secrets for a cup of black beverage.

No coffee for the wicked.

He was given a list of tasks for the day and went straight for the first one. It was to bring a couple of buckets of fermented blood which dragons loved. The work included going up and down the steep hill as the blood was kept in caves on the other side of a mountain. He didn't mind doing it if it meant an hour of relative peace. He watched the dragons being let out to romp in the sunbathed hills, admiring their agility and wondering how much intelligence sat in that triangular heads. The books he has already read treated about dragons in general and when he asked about that particular breed he was told by the Healer that it was considered a confidential information and the access to it was limited to the Aurors, higher office workers, vets and research staff. It was frustrating because dragons in general were considered to be wild animals and were described as such, and he had a strong suspicion that those beasts were much more than that. Well, he was stubborn enough to find the truth one way or another, he thought.

Just when he was deep in thoughts he tripped on an invisible rope. He fell and with him fell two buckets of blood, one directly on his lap. He slowly stood up, smelly substance soaking through his robes. He thought ironically he would have made a delicious dragon pastry. Cursing again under his breath he went to change his clothes. Two members of staff snickered when they saw him but he stared ahead and paid them no attention. If they thought he will be upset by such idle jokes they were sorely mistaken.

He was taking care of a couple of planks that some overeager dragon tore off when happened the thing that made his day just absolutely bloody perfect.

"Hello there", he heard a woman's voice. "I've never seen you before and I know everyone in this town. I'm Diana Gershaw. Who are you?"

Startled, he looked up because a long time have passed since any woman talked to him in such amiable way. And immediately he felt like drowning. No. It couldn't be true.

She had green eyes.

After a moment which felt like eternity he shook himself mentally. This woman looked nothing like Lily. Her face was ordinary and she was gazing at him openly, one of those people that weared their hearts in their sleeves. There was also something harsh in her, she was probably a solid, hard-working person, used to surviving dire circumstances. Lily was made of mist and wind, that Gershaw woman was made of rock. No, there wasn't even tiniest similarity between them, that woman's eyes didn't even have the same vibrant color, they were darker and duller, brownish even. He had no idea what came over him, what kind of delusion made him think for a moment... Maybe it was born from his guilt, the one that never left him during the last sixteen years. He dropped his head in shame and willed the woman to leave him alone.

"I'm nobody", he said and pretended to ignore her.

The bloody woman did not leave. He should know, that her type didn't give up so easily.

"Oh no, Mr. Nobody, I will have none of it! You obviously are new so maybe I should introduce you to our customs. We do not accept anonymity here. So I ask you again: What is your name?"

Customs, right. He nearly forgot he was living in a small wizarding community. And she had no idea whom he was. He stared back at her and seeing her again he had to accept that something in her person was making him feel uneasy. Like she was threatening the integrity of his soul. He had no idea where that feeling came from. "It is of no consequence but if you wish so… Severus Snape. It's pleasure to make your acquaintance", he said and prayed fervently that the woman stop preying upon him.

No such luck.

"Are you employed here?"

"Not quite. Is there really some point to this discussion, Ms. Gershaw?", he asked this time using one of his less pleasant tones. He hoped she would feel offended and leave. But the obnoxious woman responded with kicking his nail box and he out of sudden felt anger rising. So she too was treating him like scum? Well, what did he expect. Maybe this was one of little games they wanted to play with him.

"You might not know it but I own a bar in downtown. And I like to know where my potential clients come from and if they are prone to causing disruptions."

Oh yes, of course he will be going down there for a pint or two! The game, if it was a game and Severus felt strongly that it had to be, was getting absurd. He decided to not take a bait.

"It is highly unlikely that I will come to your inn at all. So you do not need to concern yourself with my behavior. Now could you please leave me at peace so I could continue with my highly responsible work."

He hoped that the sentence sounded final. It did, didn't it? Every civilized person would have understood that was the end of the conversation. But apparently Diana Gershaw didn't. She arranged the nails in the box, using magic of course, probably rubbing his nose into a fact that he had currently no magic to speak of. He was really tired by people trying to make his life even more unpleasant that it already was, so he shrugged noncommitally when she threatened to ask others about him. A game or not, she would have found out sooner or later.

"Death Eater."

There was venom in that voice, no surprise here. She was probably one of those little lambs who lost someone dear in the war, ready to charge at anyone who looked like enemy. So he took it with as much pride as he had left. When he at least saw her retreating form, he was nearly sure that would be the end of it, no matter the parting warning the woman issued him.

At the evening, when he was preparing for bed, her face swam before his mind's eyes and sleep left him. Irritated and restless without any real cause to such distress, he paced around his little room like a caged animal. Then he remembered Lily and again felt immense guilt at the memory of her eyes, her smile... Everything gone because of his doings. He experienced hurt and shock and rage, all the familiar feelings that still consumed him. At least at some wee hour of the morning he closed his tired eyes and, in passing, thought that there was something unusual about that Gershaw woman.

But he won't be the one to find out.

A/N: For the title of the chapter I had my inspiration in the "Les Miserables" musical, the Convicts Song. Here are the lyrics:

[PRISONERS]

Look down, look down

Don't look 'em in the eye

Look down, look down,

You're here until you die

[CONVICT ONE]

The sun is strong

It's hot as hell below

[PRISONER]

Look down, look down,

There's twenty years to go

[CONVICT TWO]

I've done no wrong!

Sweet Jesus, hear my prayer!

[PRISONERS]

Look down look down,

Sweet Jesus doesn't care

[CONVICT THREE]

I know she'll wait,

I know that she'll be true!

[PRISONERS]

Look down, look down,

They've all forgotten you

Comments welcomed!