Chapter four

During his stay at the Burrow, Harry tried to make everyone believe he was coping. They knew he'd have his bad days and he would have his good days, they just never knew that every day was a bad day for Harry and always would be. He spent time with Hermione and Ron, but Ginny was with them quite often now. Harry would give her the occasional smile, even though the last thing he felt like doing was smiling, he did to keep up the pretence. Death eaters attacked the Burrow, all Harry saw was Bellatrix and the anger he felt for her overwhelmed him, he wanted to kill, for the first time in his life he wanted to use the killing curse and kill the woman that had destroyed his life. But like before, she escaped which made the pain in Harry's heart worse, made it stronger. From then on, he needed to spend more time alone, so some days he would disappear down into Mr. Weasley's shed.

'Oh Sirius, I can't do this without you, I can't do anything without you. Why did you turn up, why?' Harry felt like his insides were coming apart, breaking into small pieces and turning to dust. He didn't know how to cope with this, with losing Sirius. All he wanted to do was end it, join his love, but if he did that, then there was a chance that Voldemort would gather more followers and his friends would suffer if not die. 'I'll see this through Sirius, then I will be joining you because I can't live with this, it's just too painful. I know you don't want me to do that, but after everything then losing you, the pain is to agonising and I just can't do it, I need to be with you, I'm not strong enough to get through this,' Harry sees the door open and he quickly wipes his eyes and picks up something off the bench.

'Harry, what are you doing in here?' Arthur Weasley asks kindly.

'Nothing, just thinking Mr. Weasley.'

'About Sirius?'

Harry felt the jolt go through him again, the jolt of agonising pain, the same feeling he always got when anyone mentions Sirius name.

'I miss him.' Harry's voice was quiet.

'Yes, you would and will forever, but it does get easier. It helps if you keep yourself occupied, it also helps to talk.'

'I don't want to talk about Sirius,' Harry puts the small car part back on the bench and stands, 'I know you think it helps and maybe it does, but I can't,' Harry moves past Mr. Weasley and heads out. But all the time he's thinking how to just get through the next part of his life and help save his friends from either death or living under Voldemort.

Hermione cornered him in Ron's room, 'Please talk to me Harry, I'm so worried about you.'

'I don't want to talk Hermione, can't you understand that. You've never lost anyone, you can't know how I feel. So right now I just want to be alone, I need to.'

'Sirius wouldn't want you spending all your time alone.'

'I know that,' Harry snapped then took a deep breath, 'Sorry, but don't you think I know that, but I need to, please just let me be, for now,' Harry tries to give her a smile, but he couldn't, 'Please Hermione, as my friend, do this for me.'

'Alright, even if I think it's wrong to stay alone so much,' Hermione kisses Harry's cheek before leaving him alone.

During that year, Dumbledore gives Harry his private lessons, when Harry first sees the memories, he realises that this might go on for years and he wasn't sure he could do it. He was finally with Ginny and tried to act like a boyfriend, but whenever she kissed him, that just reminded him of the kisses he craved, Sirius' kisses, his touch, his love making, his love. One thing that he's satisfied with, Hermione seems to believe that he's moving on now that's he's with Ginny, so that made Harry relax a little knowing that nothing will hurt Sirius' good name.

'Ginny, I know we're together but you need to think if I'm who you want.'

'You are all I want, what's this about Harry?'

'Okay, I just want you to know that even if we survive all this, I won't ever marry or live with anyone, I don't want to have kids. So if that's not how you see your life then I'm not the one for you.'

Ginny knew part of this was about Sirius, so she just decided to give Harry the time he needed because she was determined to marry Harry one day.

'If that's how you feel, fine, let's just enjoy being together while we can. We could all die Harry, all of us not just you,' Ginny gave Harry a small smile then took his hand in hers knowing one day he would feel different, he just needed to get over his pain of losing Sirius.

Harry always believed that in the end it would be Dumbledore that would finish off Voldemort, it didn't matter what the prophecy said, he just couldn't believe he'd have anything to do with finishing that evil and sadistic man, it had to be Dumbledore. Then the unthinkable happens, Snape killed Dumbledore and everyone knows the truth, he'd been a death eater all along. People from all over the world mourned the loss of such a wonderful and powerful wizard, Harry felt like he'd lost his last hope at saving his friends. He knew what he had to do now, so he hardened himself, he had to get this done, someway, somehow, he had to finish what Dumbledore started, then finish Voldemort. So he walks away from Ginny, in secret though he was relieved because Ginny had really started to develop strong feelings for him, this way, she wouldn't be as hurt as she could have been if she'd fallen in love with him. Harry originally was going to leave and do this alone, he couldn't let anyone else die trying to help him, but like always, Hermione and Ron refused to let him do this alone. So after Dumbledore's funeral, Harry went back to the Dursleys for the very last time. The plans were organised, the order would protect his relatives and even though Harry hated them, he didn't want them harmed or killed. Then Harry was back at the Burrow, but now with Mad-Eye gone, they were losing people and he just didn't know how to stop losing anymore.

One of the hardest things Harry had ever done was leaving the wedding while death eaters were attacking the people he cared about and even though Harry was trying to stay hard and cold, there was still a small part of him that cared, especially for the Weasley's. But he had no choice, Harry, Hermione and Ron were the only three people alive that knew how to destroy Voldemort, so they left.

For months the three friends never saw or heard anything about what was going on or about their friends and family. It was hard on Hermione, but she knew her parents were safe living in another country. Harry had no one left, so being away and with just his friends was easy on him. It was hardest on Ron, not knowing if he'd lost a member of his family, if they were hurt or even if they might have been captured and were being forced to do Voldemorts bidding under the influence of the imperius curse. The three friends were frustrated, they were cold and at times they were hungry. For Hermione and Ron, it was a terrible time, for Harry, it was his life, hard and painful but he wasn't going to stop. Even if he couldn't survive this, whether he died by Voldemort or the pain of losing Sirius caused him to die, he would do his best to stop the man that had caused all his pain, he would do anything he could he just wasn't sure it would be enough.

Finally things started to happen, then everything went wrong, then everything went right and Voldemort was dead. Everyone celebrated and Harry acted like he was happy, but all he could think about was Sirius. Could he go on without him, could he live with the pain in his broken heart, he wasn't sure. The only thing that made Harry feel anything was knowing his friends were alive and safe, even if they did lose some, compared to who had been fighting and how many, the good side come off pretty unscathed. One thing Harry did know with certainty, since he survived, he wasn't the same. He could feel his heart hardening, becoming cold. After everyone left Hogwarts and headed to their homes to rest, heal and realised they had survived, Harry had too much time to think and of course all he thought about was Sirius. He couldn't seem to get involved with anything, he couldn't seem to talk, to join in even with the simplest of things. It was over but now Harry had time to himself and all that did was make Harry realise what he had lost, maybe it would be best to just leave this world, now he knew his friends were safe, he could do that, leave and join his family, his love, Sirius.

Now that the war was over, Harry wasn't sure how he would get through his loss, but one thought kept invading his mind, Sirius would not want him to give up, he would want Harry to try and live, to try and get over his loss, so he made a decision even if he really didn't want to do anything. The only thing Harry knew and he'd known that from the moment he lost Sirius, he would never love again, he just felt so emotionless, like there was just nothing left inside him.

So Harry resumed his relationship with Ginny because she keep asking and he just couldn't seem to care or say no and thought at least she could be happy, he could do that for her, he wasn't happy, he knew he never would be. Ginny kept wanting to cuddle and kiss all the time, Harry just couldn't bring himself to. The most he would do is a quick kiss, one small hug then he'd need to move away. He'd seen the hurt and confusion on Ginny's face, but he just couldn't help it. He still liked Ginny, but only as a good friend, he could never love anyone again and being with a girl Harry knew Sirius' name would always be safe as no one apart from him knew that Sirius had been gay. Harry had made sure to casually mention the times Sirius and his father shagged around Hogwarts to always keep any suspicion away that Harry and Sirius had been more than just godfather and godson.

To give himself a bit of space from Ginny always wanting to touch, kiss and cuddle, Harry finally bought his own home. Even though he did love staying with the Weasley's and at the Burrow he thought it was time to try and get on with his life, so he tried to smile, tried to be happy, he thought he'd give life one more go because he knew that's what Sirius would want, but nothing ever took the pain from his heart and he knew now nothing ever will. He kept his picture of Sirius beside the bed and went to sleep every night talking and staring at him. When he was ready to move into his home he explained to Ginny that he just wanted to take things slow and that he wasn't the same anymore, he hoped that she accepted that. The thing that made Harry feel anything was when Ginny told him she loved him and hoped for a future, the whole package, marriage and kids with Harry, so he started to feel sorry for her and wondered if staying with her was the right choice, he mainly did it for her, for the help and support she had always given him, but now she wanted what he could never give her. Finally Harry had to tell her again that it wouldn't happen, he didn't want marriage or kids, all he wanted to do was go back to Hogwarts, finish learning what he needed so he could start training to be an auror. If he was going to try and live, then he was going to make sure everyone was safe, so he was going to get the best marks he could and train hard to be one of the best aurors there was. Sirius would want him to move on, but also love again, he couldn't, he knew he never would, so studying hard and training, then working, that was going to be his life. In a way Harry had hoped that when he explained this to Ginny she might give up on him because she wanted what Harry didn't. They did argue or as Harry put it, Ginny yelled while Harry sat staring at nothing before he finally said that was him and if she didn't like it, then there was no use staying together when she wanted one thing and he wanted something completely different. She never gave in and to Harry it seemed like she was trying harder, always wanting to be with him in some way, to Harry it she becoming annoying.

When Ginny visited Harry at the house one day, she had talked Harry into making love. Even though Harry was gay, he figured it would be easy for him to have sex with a woman, or he thought it would be. When Harry and Ginny had started, she was kissing and touching Harry everywhere and he tried to put some emotions, some feelings into it and she seemed satisfied, but he was having trouble getting up. So an idea came to him, he conjured up the images of the times he made love with Sirius, how Sirius would touch him, how he would love him and that did the trick, Harry was able to finally give Ginny what she wanted, sex, that's all it was to Harry, sex. Making love was what he did with Sirius, with Ginny, it was just sex.

Harry knew everyone was concerned about him, one reason, he couldn't seem to talk. Whenever he needed to, he would just say the odd word, yes or no answers or he'd look to Hermione and Ron to answer for him. Finally Harry just said that his life had been hard and painful so he wanted to put it behind him and just forget about it, so talking about it wouldn't help with that.

There were times that Ginny kept on Harry about things he'd done, Harry would say it was private and he would never talk about it, Ginny didn't like that at all. She thought to have a relationship that they had to be open and honest with each other, but Harry refused to budge and never revealed anything. He knew he was cold towards Ginny, he just couldn't seem to help it. He thought of just telling her it wasn't working, but then he thought everyone would worry about him more, so the colder he got, the more he hoped Ginny would end it because she would just get sick of the way Harry was now. But Ginny was stubborn, she even said if Harry didn't want marriage that was fine, they would live together after Hogwarts, Harry secretly hoped that never came about.

After making sure there were good people now involved in running their world, Kingsley Shacklebolt who had been offered the full minister for magic job, turned it down and suggested Arthur Weasley as minister. Kingsley wanted to stay working as an auror and train the new aurors that will end up keeping their world safe. Arthur Weasley accepted the job so now he was the minister for magic. Arthur and Molly Weasley had decided to put on a party, one was to celebrate their world was safe, but they also wanted to give all the younger people a good time because none of them had that, not over the last few years.

Arthur, being minister for magic could afford a nice new home, but just like Molly, he loved the Burrow. But of course the Burrow had to have the strongest protection placed around the property and the family got used to all the extra safety precautions.

During the festivities, there was a lot of laughter and music, good food and lots of drink. Harry knew he was being watched by everyone, whether it was his friends or people like Minerva McGonagall. He just couldn't seem to smile, no matter who was talking to him or what they were talking about, or should he say what they were saying as Harry still hardly talked. It didn't matter who spoke with Harry, he usually said yes, no or gave the shortest answer he could. Harry kept moving away from everyone, trying to keep to himself, but usually one of the friends would pull Harry back to join in with their fun, fun Harry didn't want and couldn't enjoy, he would never enjoy anything again.