Warning: contains lead ups to some serious M rated stuff. Be warned. Not for people looking for a fairytale or a comedic chapter. Enjoy.

Mello

I regretted it.

If he really thought I didn't give a fuck, then he should know that I really regretted it. I was disgusted; with myself, with Matthew, just with anyone.

He had pinned me against the tree, gripping my legs around his waist and letting me lean up against the scratchy bark so he could balance me on his hips. But it felt so wrong. The dirt. I could feel it crawling all over me. Not actual dirt, my own dirt. My own sins. Hah, and I still dared to call myself a Catholic when that damn rosary around my neck didn't do shit. I was halfway to hell by now, but I always though Matt would be with me. I don't know. It just seemed like he was willing to put up with all my bullshit that I actually believed he'd stick til the end. I'd taken advantage of that. I had taken it for granted. I felt like fucking shit when he flared up outside the stadium, not that I didn't expect him to. But I was so afraid. Maybe this was finally the last straw for him. All the frustration, anger, annoyance; it had all led up to this. Matt would be done with me. He'd wash his hands off me. And I would be happy because, after all, this has been what I've been wishing for since the start. But thinking about it made my heart ache.

Be careful what you wish for.

I wish I hadn't done it. I wish I hadn't been such a jerk. I couldn't even apologise. I couldn't even open my fucking mouth to apologise. When Matt threw me into the car, all I could manage was a whimper. A Goddamn whimper. Though the car ride was quiet, I could hear a thousand words going through us. In my head, I was apologising again and again and again until my mouth got dry, but in reality, nothing.

I wish I had said it.

When we got back to the room, he gave me a chance to explain, but still nothing came out. I was lost. I was weak. My legs buckled and I collapsed onto the bed in a heap of emotions. Matt was towering above me, saying these...things that weren't true.

I didn't want to hurt him. No, I didn't want to see him hurt.

I did it because I wanted to forget about him, but I would never want him to forget about me. And that's pretty damn selfish. But that's what I am. Selfish.

I wish I wasn't.

It wouldn't have come to this if I wasn't. If I'd taken a moment to think of someone else. If I...if I...

"Why do you care? You're not my boyfriend or anything!"

The words tumbled out in a blur.

I wish I hadn't said it.

He pounced on me, pinning me down with his weight as I tried to fight him, his eyes gleamed with madness. I heard him say something but I couldn't register it. The only sound was the flush of blood rushing through my ears. His hand slipped into my pants and I vaguely felt tears on my face. I thought they were mine, until I realised Matt was crying. Beads of his tears rolled off the round of his cheeks and dripped onto mine.

That made me cry.

"Please, stop!" I cried.

He rubbed a little harder but suddenly stopped; perhaps because he saw me crying. Rolling off me quickly, he began to apologise. The look in his eyes was gone, replaced with something much gentler, warmer. I sat up, wrapping my clothes tighter around myself. "Mello, please-"

I got up and ran off as quickly as I could, stumbling out the door. There was no one out in the hallway though it was a Saturday night. I was alone as I scampered out the dorm building. I didn't know where the hell I was going. I just knew that I needed to leave. It was as simple as that.

The cool air hit me hard once I was outside. But I wasn't cold; I was numb. All I felt right now was numbness. I couldn't feel a thing. Matt hates me. He's in our shared room right now cursing me. But what about me? I don't hate him. I was so numb.

I wish I hated him.

It would make dealing with this so much easier. The reason I was feeling so much guilt about Matthew was because I didn't hate Matt. A while ago, this wouldn't have affected me at all. I was contented. But I was going crazy right now over the fact that Matt hated me simply because I didn't hate him. But this wasn't just a matter of love and hate; I knew I didn't hate him but every other feeling was fuzzy. All I knew was that my heart was hurting really badly. What did that mean?

By the time I began paying attention to my surroundings, I realised that I wasn't within the school compound anymore. I was running down a pathway with shops lined on its one side and a road on its other. There were a few clubs with music leaking out from under the door. There was a banner hanging on one of the club doors: win free VIP passes to meet the Cheetahs, LIVE!

Funny. Matt and I would still be having fun there if it hadn't been for me. Stupid me. I continued walking, trying to get nasty thoughts out if my mind. It was no use though; Matt seemed to be the only thing I could think about.

I was still deep in thought when I bumped into someone.

"Sorry," I mumbled. So I could say it this easily to a stranger but not to Matt.

"Sorry. Oh, Mello."

I looked up, surprised. It wasn't a stranger, it was "Duncan?"

"Yes. Hello."

"Hi..."

"What's wrong? You seem bothered."

He was sharp. "Oh, no, it's nothing. I just...did something dumb. Really dumb."

"...I know what you mean. I did something pretty dumb a while back too," he sighed. "So are you out here to cool off?"

"Yea, I guess."

He nodded knowlingly. "I see. Well, I'll leave you to cool then. Goodbye, Mello."

I waved to him as he walked off. He wasn't such a bad guy after all. Turning my gaze back to the ground, I carried on walking. I misjudged a lot of people. Too many.

As I neared a crossroad, I bumped into someone else. Second time tonight. "Oh, I'm sor-" Looking up, I hastily managed out half an apology before recognising the smirking face in front of me.

"Hello, Mello."