His laughter went first.
The silence that remained in its wake made the Manor feel cold and empty, in Narcissa's opinion. She believed that Draco missed it too, as the boy spent an inordinate amount of time tapping Lucius's cheek expectantly with his little palm each time he himself found something entertaining and his father did not react. Narcissa was certain she would have relented long ago, had she not been presented so consistently with mementos of his infidelity- a lingering perfume around him; a smear of lipstick on his wrist, as if he'd wiped it off his mouth; long dark hairs that she suspected belonged to his secretary on his cloak. She continued to greet him by the door on the days he went to the Ministry, but a fresh wave of sweet, floral scent would always remind her not to kiss him. Additionally, he'd begun to exercise regularly; another new, suspicious activity that she suspected was intended to attract women. When he undressed, she couldn't bear to see the powerful lines of muscle that were becoming more defined- the thought that his self-improvement was for the benefit of faceless, nameless women was enough to make her blink back tears. Narcissa hated how weak he made her feel; she'd never been so emotional before in her life. He was growing his hair longer, too, and she supposed it was at the recommendation of one of his presumably many whores. But the whore clearly had good taste; the whole effect made him unbearably elegant and handsome.
Narcissa longed to confront him. Nearly every morning, she woke with a new determination, but a deep, gnawing fear never ceased to stop her. What if he did suggest a divorce? She doubted that he would, but they would never have trust in their relationship again. He would be ashamed, and he could certainly take no more shame in his life. Or neglect. In her most unselfish moments, Narcissa considered his past, and wondered if indiscriminate sex was in some way making him a more whole person. It didn't seem to be; but perhaps that was because their emotional bond was falling apart as well? She tried to talk to him, but the only conversation he ever showed any interest in having was one that might explain her sudden physical withdrawal from him. As a result, Narcissa felt herself filling up their time with chatter about her day, her feelings about family and friends. He always listened; watching her carefully, as though waiting for something, and then looking down in disappointment when she stopped taking and it became clear she would not answer any of his questions.
His smiles left next.
The first time Narcissa noticed it, he was playing with Draco, and their son was fascinated by Lucius shining wristwatch, watching the light reflect off it with evident elation. Normally, such a thing would make Lucius chuckle, but his eyes merely glimmered with amusement while his face remained expressionless, just as it had early in their marriage. Upon seeing the look, Narcissa had rushed from the room to hide her horror.
Furthermore, Lucius wasn't sleeping well. He sat up with a jerk several times a night, gasping for breath and drenched in a cold sweat. When he did sleep, he tossed restlessly, often muttering under his breath. Narcissa found it impossible to get much rest with his constant movement, and on the tenth night in a row of being woken at two in the morning, she finally demanded,
"Lucius! For Merlin's sake, stop it!"
"Sorry," he muttered, rubbing his face vigorously with shaking hands. "I think I need... a drink." He didn't summon an elf; instead, he stumbled over to the bathroom to splash his face with cold water. He returned to bed looking thoroughly shaken, and despite her exhaustion, Narcissa propped herself up on her elbows.
"You've been talking in your sleep. Are you having nightmares?"
He shook his head, refusing to look at her.
"You can tell me, if you are."
"I'm not."
"Sometimes, nightmares can be premonitions. Once, my sister-"
"Tell me why you won't let me touch you, Narcissa." His voice was flat, and he stared up at the ceiling with determination. Narcissa blanched, struggling with a response to the direct demand.
"Have I done something to upset you?" he asked roughly. "I've been replaying that last day over and over in my head. We made love that morning, and you were laughing when you kissed me goodbye. I was gone for two days, because I was summoned by him that night, but I've been gone longer. What am I missing?"
"I'm not angry with you, Lucius," she whispered.
"No? You agreed we'd have no secrets. Tell me."
"I just... haven't wanted to have sex. I've been tired."
"It's not just sex, and don't act as though it is."
"Lucius..." she stalled, "can't we just talk about this in the morning?"
"I can't wait until the morning. I need you to tell me now. Do you not love me anymore?"
Her stomach lurched. "Of course I love you!" she cried. More than you love me, it would seem.
"What, then? Are you seriously ill? Does it... does it have to do with Yaxley?"
"No! I love you, Lucius, not him."
"Are you... bothered by my service to the Dark lord? But you've always known about that. Are you not attracted to me anymore?"
Narcissa opened her mouth to deny the last fervently, but before the words could form, a new idea occurred to her. Would it work?
"Yes, Lucius. That's it," she told him quietly. She refused to look at him; she couldn't bear to see the shocked hurt she'd caused with her blunt response. "It happens to a lot of couples; couples that love one another desperately, and simply lose interest in sex," she assured in him in what sounded like an offhand tone.
"Forever?"
"Well, probably."
"Narcissa..." His voice was ragged. "That happens to couples who've grown old together, after decades of marriage. Even then, not always."
"Lucius," she tried to sound reassuring. "You'll get used to not having to touch anymore. We're still us, and we still love each other. We don't need physical contact if we have a real, emotional bond. Physicality is superfluous, isn't it? If we really love each other. The physical part isn't important," Narcissa told him, primarily reassuring herself. If the physical part wasn't important, then their relationship still stood a chance. "Sex is just sex. You and I don't need it. After a while, I'm sure you won't even miss it."
Lucius was silent for such a long time after her final words, she began to wonder if he'd fallen asleep. At last, she chanced a look at him, to see if he intended to reply. He was staring at the darkness above them.
"Maybe... maybe one day I won't miss making love to you." His words were heavy and slow, as though each syllable hurt him. "Maybe." He sounded doubtful. After a lengthy pause, he continued. "But... I'll never stop wanting to kiss you awake in the morning. I'll never not want to see your eyes open when I do, so full of happiness. When I come home from the Ministry... I won't get used to not being allowed to kiss you then, either, after I've sat through tedious meetings all day and have thought about the moment I'd be returning home since I set foot in the office. I love the way your hand feels in mine, and I love taking showers with you, and I love it when you throw your arms around me when I come home from a mission, just because you're glad I'm safe. And Narcissa, there is nothing that could make me stop wanting to hold you in my arms every night when we fall asleep. I'll always miss that."
At last, he turned his head to face her, silently begging her to change her mind. Narcissa tried to offer a reassuring smile, though she was fighting back tears.
"Lucius..." She wanted to gently chide him for being melodramatic. She wanted to tell him that it would make their emotional bond stronger. She wanted to lie to him; but she couldn't for fear that a sob would escape instead of words.
Then stop having sex with other women.
"Lyssa... maybe he's not, anymore. He's just been so miserable; I can't imagine him with other women. Maybe if I just let things go back to normal..."
"Cissy, I think that's a bad idea. I already think you're being too easy on him- I'd have thrown Rabastan out the moment I suspected another woman in his life."
"I can't exactly throw him out. I'd have to leave."
"Then why don't you? You have family and friends. Leave and take Draco. Draco doesn't deserve an irresponsible, careless father."
"Lucius is a wonderful father," Narcissa murmured. "It's not fair to criticize his parenting when he's really just an unfaithful husband."
Lysandra shrugged. "Do as you'd like, Cissy. I just worry what's best for you. You just look so tired and sad recently."
"I am, Lyssa!" she cried despondently. "I am tired and sad! And what if this is all for nothing? Maybe he had one slip-up. Maybe the secretary was a temp. I don't even know-"
"Oh, Cissy," Lysandra scooted over to hug her. "It must be dreadful. If you love him and really want to, then forgive him," she crooned, stroking her hair rather heavy handedly. "But Cissy, as your best friend, I feel that I must look out for you. I'm going to sniff around a bit tonight and I'll let you know tomorrow morning if I find anything, alright?"
Narcissa nodded, drawing back. "Thanks, Lys. I just- I miss him, you know?"
"Of course I do, honey. Oh, careful there, your hair's caught in my ring." Lysandra stood up, glancing at the clock. "Cissy- I might know a girl who might know someone who could know something about that whore of a secretary your husband hired. I better go and see what I can find out."
"Can I come, too? I'd like to confront the women who Lucius-"
Lysandra was already shaking her head. "Bad idea, sweetie. They'll know you're his wife, and they won't say a word. I've got you covered."
"Thanks, Lyssa," she sighed, sinking back in her chair, looking mournfully at her son, who was currently dozing in her arms. "I hate this," she breathed, throat tight with choked emotion.
"I know, I know," Lysandra patted her back reassuringly. "I'll see you tomorrow, alright?"
(A/N: Guys... WHOA. First of I want to say THANK YOU to the FIFTY FOUR of you who reviewed the last chapter- I am beyond touched. I wanted to get this up before I leave for school tomorrow, so it's not terribly long, but if a continue to get the kind of response I did from the last chapter, I don't know how I could possibly NOT update asap! Thanks again!)