Vlad the Unequivocal Failure:

Liza's POV:

Oh, Boo. I was feeling heartsick. You see, Roderich had left for Austria the other day. The sour puss had paused his musical tour in Europe to come back and visit me, but it was only a matter of time before he had to take off again. I wouldn't be seeing him until Christmas break now. That's probably what sucked the most. I mean, I didn't even get to mould his butt properly!

But then again, I had wasted a whole day of our time being mad at him. Honestly, I couldn't even blame him for what had happened. It wasn't his fault that Gilbert had drunkenly joined him on the stage at Cherokee night. Not to mention the fact that their duet together was…pretty hot. Ahem, moving on~!

I felt pretty bad for Matthew though. He didn't look very happy when Gilbert had draped his arm over my boo thang's shoulder. I've always suspected that my shy, precious little Matthew had a crush on said demon douche.

I was actually beginning to worry for Matthew. He hadn't showed up to work all week, as Alfred had stepped forward to cover his shifts. Matthew wasn't answering his texts either, and whenever I asked Alfred about my little maple child, he wasn't able to give me a straight answer. It appeared that Alfred was just as clueless as I was. Oh well, those two weren't even working today. I would worry about them later.

I sighed, placing two elbows onto the front counter as I slumped over and cupped my face with both hands. I morosely watched customers come and go, not bothering to smile at them like I usually did. It was seven in the evening, so the rush hadn't quite started yet. I could always try to make budget later.

"Oi! Pan-demon!" I smirked a little when Lovino leaned onto the counter to join me in my moping, wrapping a friendly arm around my shoulders.

"What's the frown for? It's fucking weird to not see you fangirling," he remarked, raising a perfectly plucked brow in question.

"Roddy went back to Austria yesterday," I answered, blankly looking outside at the world of snow. It was dark out, and the sparkling Christmas lights only served to taunt me further. It was the beginning of November for heaven's sake! I didn't need to be reminded of how long I would have to wait until Roddy came back!

"Oh," Lovino faltered. "I'm sorry." He didn't sound very sorry. Said tsundere had never liked Roddy. Or anyone else to be perfectly honest.

"Don't be," I hummed. "I'll see him soon enough."

It was a good time to change the topic.

Lovino playfully bumped shoulders with me. "It looks like Mei and Kiku would like for you to join them."

I followed Lovino's gaze to spot Mei and Kiku sitting at our usual table in the café. Mei smiled warmly at me, waving as she held up the yaoi magazine that we were all supposed to analyze this week.

I spared Mei a weak smile before looking away, much to Lovino's surprise.

"Fuck, you must really miss that jackas-! I mean, ahem, your boyfriend."

I leaned my head onto Lovino's left shoulder, grateful that he was at least trying to make me feel better. He had been a lot nicer to me ever since I had helped him and Antonio make-up last week. It had been near impossible to get Francis and Gilbert out of their apartment. In the end, the promise of two certain blond boys had been enough to get 2/3 of the infamous trio to visit the café at a relatively early time in the day. Granted, two in the afternoon was extremely early for those who partied until sunrise. Tch! Idiots!

My response was cut off short when the front bell chimed with the arrival of a new customer, or rather customers. I growled under my breath when I recognized who they were. Vlad, my arch nemesis in the University's business program, and his lame boyfriend, Milen. Lovino and I both straightened up, our chins held high as we prepared ourselves for the insult battle that was sure to ensue upon those bastard's arrival.

Vlad ran the rival Maiden and Vampire café across from us, which would explain why he was sporting a blood-red trench coat (to match his obviously dyed strawberry blond hair), a pair of fake fangs, and knee-high brown combat boots. He was also carrying an oak staff in his right hand for whatever melodramatic reason.

Milen, on the other hand, was wearing a dark trench coat, presumably to complement his jet-black mop of hair and ripped denim jeans. For accessories, he had several silver chain bracelets on his wrist and one cross necklace around his neck.

"Elizabutt!" Vlad cooed. "Looking shitty as ever I see!"

I grit my teeth. I had half the mind to punch that smirk off his unnaturally pale face. Thankfully, Lovino was smart enough to grab onto my wrist. Seriously though, who put on that much make up anyways?! Even if he was 'a vampire', Vlad's foundation and powder had set horribly. Caked much?

"What the fuck do you want, fang bastard?" Lovino glared. Aw, what a loyal tsundere minion~!

Vlad smiled, revealing the exact tooth that Lovino had been referring to. The vamp loser had previously taken the liberty to shave his right canine tooth into a fang.

"Aw, Lovino!" Vlad moped. "Why must you be so fussy all the time? My offer still stands, darling. We'd love to have you working at our café!"

"Rot in hell!" Lovino shot back, crossing his arms.

"Ah, but I'm a vampire, remember? We don't die~!"

Milen pulled out a long wooden stick from his trench coat. It was sharp enough to be a stake…oh.

Forget about this?" Milen mused, teasingly poking Vlad's shoulder with the tip of the stick. "Tsk!" he huffed. "You vampires and your insufferable cockiness! Why, I could stake you right now if I wanted to."

"What is this? Some sort of role play?" Lovino interrogated.

"Duh!" Vlad sighed. "I'm the vampire and he's my hunter, remember?"

"How lame," I rolled my eyes.

"Your lame is our creative," Milen shrugged, absently twirling around the stick in his palm.

A high-pitched shriek echoed behind us, presumably from the kitchen. Lovino and I turned back to see Feliciano sob and leap into a surprised Ludwig's arms. The kitchen doors swung shut with a violent slam.

"Ve, Luddy! The stick man is back!" Feliciano's muffled voice wailed.

I turned to look at Lovino, who reciprocated my confusion.

Milen chuckled, his green eyes smug with amusement.

"What did you do to my brother?!" Lovino roared, leaning over the front counter to come face to face with Milen's devious expression.

Milen hummed, patronizingly clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth. "Perhaps I may have hit him on the head by accident. Oh, don't look at me like that! It wasn't my fault! The guy was sprinting right for me!"

Milen paused as Vlad supported him with an obnoxious, "You tell them babe!"

"Anyways, how was I supposed to know that he was actually running towards the blond muscular guy standing behind me?"

"It's called common fucking sense, you lunatic! Who the hell just casually whacks a stranger with a stick?!" Lovino screeched, his face reddening with anger. "No one's allowed to touch my brother but me!"

"Or Ludwig," I added in.

"Or Ludwig," Lovino echoed, only to explode with anger. "FUCK NO! ONLY I CAN TOUCH FELI."

"Tsk! Tsk! Miss Héderváry," Vlad scolded, placing his hands on his hips. "And here I thought that you were above promoting incestuous relationships!"

"Damn it! I didn't mean it that way!" Lovino fumed. "You're just lucky that there's a counter between us, otherwise I'd-!"

I grabbed onto the cuff of Lovino's blouse, pulling him back. "Hey," I chided. "You should go see if Feli's okay."

Lovino calmed down a bit. "Can you handle them on your own?" he asked. My heart swelled; he was such a gentleman.

"Hell yeah I can!" I grinned, spinning him around by the shoulders. "Go on," I gave Lovino a firm smack to the bum, causing him to stumble forward a few paces.

"I got this!" I winked.

Lovino grumbled a string of incoherent curse words before finally entering the kitchen. The smile on my face faded as I turned around to confront the two asshats who were currently contaminating my café with their douchiness.

"What do you want, Vlad?" I spat, continuing Lovino's previous interrogation.

Vlad raised two gloved hands to his face in feigned shock. "Ouch! So rude! If you don't nicen up, I just might feel inclined to write a negative review on Yelp! But then again, everyone on Campus knows that this establishment is a complete shitshow."

I crossed my arms again. "Really? Because last time that I checked, this 'establishment' was making a lot more money than your lame-ass cosplay café was!"

Vlad's red eyes lit up with amusement. "Speaking of money! Milen, honey, why don't you show Elizahag what we came here for~?"

Milen pulled out a tacky Victorian print flyer from his trench coat. I snatched it from his hand and quickly skimmed over the paper.

"Wow," I remarked sarcastically. "How original. You're throwing a Christmas cosplay mixer. Seriously, I'm drowning in all the creativity."

"That's the spirit!" Vlad cheered, purposefully ignoring my blatant saltiness. "We'll make so much money from this one night that it'll be practically impossible for us not to win 'best student business of the year' come April!"

"Yeah, well, we'll see about that," I muttered under my breath.

"Boom bitch!" Milen chorused. "You just got played."

"Aw~! You know how much I love it when you get worked up~!" Vlad cooed. "C'mere, you!"

I bit my lip when Vlad pecked Milen on the cheek. So…cute…even if I hate them…I must not snap a picture…

I balled my hands into tight fists, digging my nails so hard into the flesh that I could feel blood trickle down my wrist.

"What? Are you not going to document this adorable display of gay love?" Vlad mused. That bastard. He knew exactly what 'feels' strings to pull.

I turned my head to the side, feeling myself blush. No! Do not look! I repeat! DO NOT LOOK!

"Muah~!" Vlad kissed Milen on this mouth this time, bending the latter into a bow.

SNAP!

A camera flashed from the other side of the room.

"MEI! HOW COULD YOU?!" I spluttered.

"I'm sorry!" said fangirl traitor wailed. "I couldn't help it! They were just so cute!"

"I don't give a damn!" I snapped.

"Kiku!" I commanded. "Confiscate that phone from her right now!"

Kiku bowed his head in understanding. While Mei shrieked at her boyfriend, I diverted my attention back to the smirking, manipulative devils standing before me. They were no longer kissing, unfortunately. AND BY UNFORTUNATELY, I MEANT THANKFULLY.

"Oh!" Vlad exclaimed. "Cupcakes, my favourite!" He then took a vanilla cupcake from the platter of free samples resting on the counter. Milen opted for a chocolate flavoured one instead.

Vlad licked the frosting, humming in delight. "How cute," he mused. "We ought to decorate our treats like this, eh Milen?"

Milen shook his head in disbelief. "I'll never understand your obsession with cuteness."

"Are you guys done here now?!" I snorted, no doubt on the verge of leaping over the counter and dragging them out by the scruff of their scrawny necks myself.

"Hmmm, yeah. I suppose so. As long as you know that you're a failure, then my business here is always done," Vlad said, snaking an arm around Milen's waist.

"Ta-Ta for now. Don't bother to keep in touch!" Vlad called over his shoulder.

"I wouldn't dream of it!" I shouted back.

Just as Vlad and Milen were leaving the café, Antonio, Francis and Gilbert were entering.

"Ah! Well if it isn't the other red-eyed person in this University! Gilbert, my dear boy! How are you?"

"Save it Vlad. I'm not in the mood for your mind games," Gilbert grumbled, storming past the ogle-eyed Romanian.

"Hmmph! Who bit his neck the wrong way?"

Milen sighed. "You suck at dramatic exits."

"That's not what you said last night~!"

I tuned out of that conversation when I heard a shriek to my left.

"LOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII~!" Antonio shouted. The excited Spaniard ran across the café to pull Lovino into a hug, who had just come out from the kitchen.

"Ooof!" Lovino spluttered, having the wind knocked right out of him. "I just saw you this morning! Calm the fuck down!"

I rolled my eyes, leaving my position at the counter to sit at an empty table. I was still furious with Mei and had no intention of speaking to her anytime soon.

The chaos continued when Arthur aggressively snapped his laptop shut. "NOT YOU AGAIN!" he groaned.

Francis stood in front of Arthur's booth, preventing the latter from exiting.

"So I'm just a 'you' now?" Francis moped. "I think that I liked 'frog' better."

"Move, you bearded scoundrel!"

"Ohonhonhon. Your sarcasm is working against you, mon ami. It's such a turn on~!"

My attention switched away from the soon to be French and English couple (don't ask, I just know these sort of things) when Gilbert seated himself at my table, rudely clapping his hands in front of my face.

"Oi! Liza!" Gilbert exclaimed, sounding out of breath. "Where has Mattie been lately? He hasn't been answering any of my texts."

I pursed my lips in thought. "How long has he not been answering for?"

"Ever since last week's Cherokee night, why? Also, way to be totally unawesome and answer my question with another question."

Ah, it all made sense to me now. "Hmmm. I don't know. Maybe he's mad about the fact that you drunkenly danced with my boyfriend?"

Gilbert's face paled, if possible. "Oh…" his jaw gaped open in realization. "Shit!"

"Nice going, moron," I smirked. "If I wasn't so tired, I would have slammed your head against this table by now."

Gilbert gulped a very un-Gilbert like gulp. "I've got to go!" he said, abruptly standing up from the table. I winced when his chair scraped against the ground.

"Go where?" I asked.

"I have to fix things! Fuck! I can't believe how stupid I am!"

I cackled and watched as Gilbert ran straight into the glass door, apparently forgetting to open it first.

Looks like I wouldn't have to use my pan, after all.

A/N: AHHHHH! ELLA IS GOING FULL OUT EMOTIONAL ON US AGAIN! *this chick is crazy*

oh good, did I get your attention? Okay, I'm holding true to my promise to update every two weeks.

I'd just like to apologize for being so petty two chapters back. I think that I have a good reason though. When I uploaded chapter 6, I was having a shit week. Simply put, I haven't lived with my Dad for almost three years now. He just recently got a girlfriend, and because he doesn't want to look bad, he calls me up trying to reconnect and all that jazz. I wasn't interested, and he left a message on my Mom's phone saying that I was an ungrateful, selfish bitch and blah blah blah. Now add recovering from an eating disorder (which started when my Dad called me anorexic for being too skinny), depression, anxiety, and the pressure to maintain my 9.5 GPA = shitstorm.

I wrote chapter 6 hoping that I would make you guys happy, so you only guess how sad I got when I saw that I had upset someone. And then I got angry... Honestly, I wasn't in a good state of mind when I wrote that author's note. It takes a lot to piss me off, and a comment that wouldn't normally set me off did. I just want you guys to know that I appreciate your support so very much.

I won't be discontinuing this story. I'll work hard, and all I want is to make others happy. Other fanfics have made a bad day for me good, and if I can do that for someone else, then I've done my job. I will try my very best to update every two weeks. I'm writing a lot of stories right now, and I'm just praying that I don't burn out. Please do review/ follow if you can! It's the only thing that makes the writing process worthwhile.

That being said: I would like to thank Elizaveta Hedervary - Hungary for the Romania x Bulgaria prompt!

I would also like to thank the authors of TalentlyChallenged for sending me such a sweet PM, encouraging me to continue this story.

If you're looking for a good story to read, they have a fantastic PruCan fanfic called "Das Biest of the Dark Wood" If you like darkness + fairy tale themes it's perfect!

See you guys next time. You won't hear me ramble this much anymore! Prompts are still welcomed btw :) until next time, and bless your soul if you actually read all of this. It's sweet cinnamon buns like you that deserve to go far in life.

-Ella