Chapter twenty-five

My Mom's funeral was held on a bleak Tuesday afternoon. I only heard about it because Gordie spotted an announcement in the local paper. Imagine that? Finding out about your own Mom's funeral from a damn paper?

Chris, Gordie and I skipped school to attend, the three of us dressed in our smartest most somber clothing to accompany what was a considerably good turn out for a week day afternoon. Stan was sat at the front of the church when we arrived, already surrounded by a gaggle of women offering him sympathy. The sight made my stomach turn.

We walked to the front and sat on the opposite pew, Chris on my left and Gordie on my right. The cheap wooden coffin sat not six feet from us and I tried not to focus on it as the priest talked about what a good woman my mother was. By a good woman he meant she attended church regularly but I had always secretly thought that was just to escape Stan's hang over wrath on a Sunday morning.

Stan looked bored throughout the ceremony and I found myself glaring at him on more than one occasion. When Chris noticed this, he leaned forward so as to block my view but I didn't have to see Stan to hate him. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach.

After the service the mourners poured out of the church and into the cemetery and one by one wandered over to me to offer their condolences. I accepted people''s hugs and handshakes numbly with both Chris and Gordie stayed glued to my side intervening when I couldn't find words.

My mother was buried in the same plot as my father. I heard somebody whisper what a decent man Stan was to allow my mother to be laid to rest with her first husband, but I knew what the truth was. He didn't want to fork out the extra cash for a separate plot. He didn't give a rats ass where my mother was buried.

A ghostly mist had descended on us by the time my mother's grave was filled in by local men. The most clung to the grave stones like something out of a Robert Frost poem and the helplessness I felt while watching a remorseless Stan only intensified. We were the last to leave the grave side. I stood staring at the freshly filled hole for the longest time until Gordie touched my arm gently.

"C'mon, Nina. Let's get out of here."

I was kind of nodding when a flash of movement by some nearby trees made me raise my tear filled eyes. I was more than surprised to see Ace lounging beneath them smoking a cigarette.

"Nina?" Chris prompted me again.

"I'll catch you guys up," I said, looking towards the cluster of trees. Chris followed my gaze, locking eyes with Ace.

"You want me to stay?"

But when I shook my head, he nodded and steered Gordie towards the cemetery gates.

Ace took a long hard drag on his cigarette as I approached. For once, his smug smirk was non existent.

"What are you doing here?"

He shrugged, blew his smoke up towards the sky and then shrugged again.

"Your old lady was good to me. Cooked me dinner a couple of times."

"But you said she was-"

"I know what I said," he cut in sharply. His eyes were dark and stormy- he looked troubled- and I knew that wasn't concern for me or the loss of my mother.

"What's happened?" I asked him. The wind was growing cold and as it nipped at my cheeks I pulled Chris' jacket tighter about myself.

He took another drag on his cigarette and stared across the church yard.

"I don't know how you do that."

I turned around to see we were now completely alone before I turned back to face him.

"Do what?"

"You just look at me and you know. Like you can read me. You always have. Nobody else can do that."

I felt a knot of anxiety and swallowed hard.

"Ace, what is it?"

"My old man's sick. Gonna die in jail, they reckon."

I hadn't been expecting that and I felt an involuntary twinge of pity for him.

"When was the last time you saw him?"

"What the fuck does that matter?" He snapped. He took a final pull on his cigarette and tossed it away. I watched the lit ember roll towards a headstone and went after it, plucking it from the neat grass and pinching the end of it with my fingers.

"Are you gonna go and see him?"

"I dunno yet. Maybe. Fuck that anyway. How you doing?"

I slipped the cigarette butt into my pocket and glanced across the churchyard to the cemetery gate. Chris was leaning against the outside, his back to me, a silent support without Ace's jealousy or selfishness.

"I'm okay," I lied.

And I guess I did know Ace better than he knew me because he nodded, was happy with the response. Maybe he believed me or maybe he just wanted to.

"Me and you are the same in a lot of ways," Ace said thoughtfully. "That's why we made sense."

I snapped my attention away from Chris and back to Ace.

"What'd you mean?"

"Well, both our parents fucked us."

"Big deal." I shrugged. "A lot of people have been fucked by their parents."

I thought of Chris. And Gordie. I thought of Teddy Duchamp whose Dad supposedly burnt off his ear on the stove.

"We're different, Ace, that's why we don't make sense. I want to be all in with somebody, cards on the table. You always wanna keep your cards up your sleeve."

He didn't argue, just smiled bitterly, as if the truth was something that he couldn't change even if he wanted to.

"Maybe that's why they call me Ace."

I nodded but didn't return his smile.

"That Chambers jacket you're wearing? Something you wanna tell me?"

And there it was, that self absorbed bullshit that he boasted even in the worst of moments.

"Chris is my friend and that's it. Just let it alone, okay?"

I knew I didn't have to lie but I also knew what the consequences for Chris were if I didn't.

"You ain't never gonna forget about me, Nina. Nobody ever does."

I'd heard enough from him.

"Thanks for stopping by, Merrill. I'll see you around."

He tipped his head at me, clamping another cigarette between his teeth.

"You surely will, Doll. You surely will."

And as I crossed the churchyard to where Chris and Gordie were waiting, I could feel Ace's eyes boring into my back.

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"Are you gonna sit here all night?" I brought over Chris' third milkshake and set it down in front of his books. He looked up and gave me a lazy smile.

"You tryna get rid of me?"

"You know I'm not but it's not like i can take a load off to talk to you. It's crazy busy in here tonight."

"Nina, table four, order up!" Tim yelled from the serving hatch and I nodded, turning to leave. Chris caught my wrist.

"Listen, I'm working tomorrow which means I don't get to see you until Sunday so if that means all I'm gonna get is watching you walk burgers across the room then thats what I'm here for."

He let go of my wrist and I paused, wondering if he was really real and if I was really this lucky.

Stooping over his table I leant down and pressed my lips hard against his.

"What was that for?" He was smiling but confused.

"For being you." I said, tipping him a wink as I walked away.

I picked up table four's order and crossed the room, passing Fran who was handling two trays like a pro.

"It suits you," she said.

"What does?" I started doling out burgers and fries to table four.

"Being happy," she called back.

And it was the strangest feeling to realise that she was right, that it had been a horrible week and month and even year but that I was, for maybe the first time since before my dad died, happy.

After closing, Chris was still sat at the same table, gathering his books while I changed out of my uniform.

"Where you staying tonight?" Fran asked as I pulled on my jacket.

"Gordie's," I said in surprise. I had been at hers the night before and I kind of made it a habit not to stay two nights in a row and outstay my welcome. Fran was a funny woman, kept herself to herself and lived a pretty solitary life from what I'd seen.

"Well, you can go back to my place if you want. You and Chris both. I have a date tonight. And if it goes well, I might not come back at all!" She lowered her voice to say the last part like a naughty school girl and I laughed at the change in her.

"A date? At this time of night?"

"Yeah, well he does shift work too so a late dinner suits us both fine. Excuse me, I gotta get changed before he gets here. You know how to get into the house,right?"

"Sure. Good luck on your date and thank you."

Chris was waiting by the counter when I came out. He put his arm around me and kissed me softly.

"You taste like vanilla milkshake." I giggled.

"I should think so. He drank about ten of them," Tim grumbled behind the counter. "Dating her is not gonna be good for your waist line, Chambers."

"Good for everything else though." Chris pulled me towards him and Tim rolled his eyes heavenward.

"Night, Tim," I called as Chris led me towards the exit. Tim tossed a dismissive hand in our direction.

"That guy needs to get laid," Chris said as he held opened the diner door for me.

"Speaking of which,"I said. "Fran has a date tonight. Said we can both stay at hers while she's gone."

"How does this relate to getting laid? Please say it's us getting laid and not Fran." Chris shook his head. "I actually dont want to hear 'getting laid' and 'Fran' in the same sentence ever again."

"I was talking about Fran," I admitted. "But forget that. We get to spend the whole night together."

"Well, I guess I forgive you then." Chris pressed his lips to my forehead and pulled me in more tightly.

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Fran's place wasn't much. It wasn't much bigger than Ace's place but she did have a separate bedroom. We stayed out of it and cosied up on the couch. It was old and it creaked when you moved, but it was roomy enough for us both and it sat in front of an open hearth. Chris built us a fire promising he would bring Fran some more logs on Sunday. She had enough to keep her going until then.

He rubbed and kissed every inch of my aching muscles until I didn't feel any pain anymore and all I was hungry for was his touch. Neither of us seemed to care about the possibility of Fran returning from a failed date but we were lucky enough that she didn't walk in and afterwards, I lay with my head on his chest as we watched the fire flicker.

"You okay?"

"Mmm," I murmured. "It's nice having you here."

"Nice being here." He pushed a strand of hair off of my forehead. "I wish it could be like this all the time."

I watched the reflection of the flames flicker in his bright blue eyes.

"Maybe one day it will be."

"You saying you want to be Mrs Chambers?" Chris chuckled at the thought. "That usually sends women screaming in the other direction."

"Not me," I said. "And not this Chambers."

Chris turned his head to kiss me again.

"Yeah, I could see it," he said softly. "Gordie could be best man-"

"Gordie would give me away," I interjected.

"Well, he can't do both."

"Exactly. So ask Teddy Duchamp. You keep telling me you're brothers."

"You want Teddy Duchamp in your wedding party?"

I scrunched up my face as I thought about this.

"I guess not. But its not like I have anybody else. The only legal family I have left is Stan and I dont want him anywhere near my wedding. Guess my side of the room would be pretty empty."

"Glory, I hope mine's empty too," Chris said. "My Mom would be crying, my old man will definitely be drunk. Eyeball's bound to say something inappropriate. You know at my cousins wedding last year he asked the bride if she wanted to feel what adultery felt like?"

I started to giggle.

"Maybe we should just elope."

"Sounds good to me," Chris said as I snuggled closer to him.

"So, does Eyeball know yet?" I said into his neck.

"About us? If he has, I haven't told him. But its not a secret anymore right?" Chris stiffened next to me, all his relaxed muscles suddenly went taut.

"Well, no, but if Ace finds out-"

"Fuck Ace," Chris said. "I'll knock on his door and tell him myself."

I sighed.

"Don't talk crazy, Chris. Things are so good now. Why would you wanna spoil that?"

"Why would you want to keep this a secret? We're together now. We don't need to sneak around."

"I just don't want you to get hurt, okay? Is that so wrong?"

"You don't think I can handle myself? You think I'm scared of that dime store hood?" Chris sat up abruptly and I had to balance myself to stop falling off of the couch.

"Chris, he's dangerous!"

"You don't think I know that? You don't think thats all I ever thought about when I watched you go home with him? But he doesn't scare me. The only thing that scares me is the real reason that you want to keep this a secret."

"Is this about the funeral? Do you want me to tell you what Ace and I talked about?"

Chris looked puzzled.

"No. I figured if it was something I needed to know you would have told me about it already. Is it something I need to know?"

I thought about it.

"No."

"Well, okay then. Who cares?"

I stared at him, my mouth falling open. He wasn't jealous. He didn't care at all that I'd been talking to Ace?

"So what did you mean you're scared of the real reason I want to keep us a secret?"

"I'm not bothered about Ace. I trust you. What I meant was that you're ashamed to be with me."

But beyond my amazement was the mortification of what he'd just said.

"Me? Ashamed to be with you? Gimme a break!" I threw my arms around him. "I am so so proud to be with you, Chris. I must have asked myself how I got so lucky at least a dozen times tonight."

"Proud?" He raised an eyebrow. "To be with a Chambers?"

"To be with Chris Chambers," I corrected him.

I could have sworn his eyes glistened a little before the moment passed and he smirked at me.

"I think I was right the first time when I told Gordie you were an empty head."

I slapped him with the back of my hand and the two of us fell about laughing.

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