Chapter Thirty Two
"Hey." It wasn't much but I put as much enthusiasm and feeling as I could into the word as Chris came towards me and Gordie on the school bus Monday morning.
"Hi."
I gathered the word was for me because he greeted Gordie separately but he didn't make eye contact.
"How was your weekend?" I asked brightly, forcing a smile.
"Quiet," he answered shortly and I mentally kicked myself. Of course it was quiet. He no longer had a job.
"Listen, Chris, I'm really sorry about your job. I mean- I didn't realise…"
"Don't sweat it, it's just a job. I'll get another one." Chris answered me casually but didn't take his accusing eyes from Gordie for a second.
"Sure, you will. You know, I saw an ad in the five and dime on the weekend? Part time hours too. You could-"
He finally turned his head to look at me.
"Thanks, Willis, but I can find my own job."
"Chris, I-"
"Hey, Annabelle, how you doing?" Chris interrupted me by greeting the shy Annabelle, whose blond bangs fell in her face in such a way that she seemed she was hiding behind them. She had been hovering in the bus aisle for a moment but as soon as he greeted her, she sat down on the seat in front.
"Sorry to come over here like this," she said, flushed and nervous, "but I wanted to ask you about your biology assignment."
"We dont have biology together," I snapped irritably before I realised she was talking to Chris and not me.
"No, I meant…" Annabelle looked like she regretted ever sitting down.
"We have biology together, I know," Chris said kindly. "You sit a couple of rows in front of me."
Annabelle blushed and I wondered why it was she decided to be brave enough to sit with the boys today of all days.
"Well, I wanted to get mine just right, you know? I finished a week ago and Mr Rogers says its fine but I asked him if I could see an example of A grade work? He said yours was A grade standard but I should ask your permission to look at it. Or maybe you could look over mine?" Annabelle's hands were starting to shake now and I knew there was no way on earth she would have asked Chris anything that wasn't school related. " I mean, if you don't mind, Nina?"
I didn't say a word but Chris gave her an easy smile.
"I have to go to the library after school today. You wanna meet me there?"
"Erm, yeah- sure, of course." Her eyes went searchingly towards me. When I didn't respond, Gordie kicked me hard.
"Ouch!" I didn't even try to hide the fact that he'd kicked me. "Whatever. I'm not the boss of him. He can meet whoever he likes."
"Well, I…" I felt kind of bad as Annabelle continued to shake, looking like she might burst into tears but Chris put out an easy hand and squeezed her shoulder. "I'll be at the library after school."
"Thanks." With that, Annabelle got on her feet and scrambled away.
"Isn't she supposed to be your friend?" Chris hissed at me once Annabelle was out of ear shot.
"Sounds like she wants to be your friend more."
"You are actually pathetic, you know that? You're drinking at Ace's and staying over at his place but if I offer to help someone with homework, you're jealous?"
I opened my mouth to respond. This wasn't the way this was supposed to go. I hadn't intended to piss him off further. What I really wanted to say was sorry.
"Look, I'm going to sit with Annabelle," Gordie said, rising in his seat and heading to the front of the bus. Chris watched him go without attempting to stop him but when i put my hand on his over the rail, he withdrew his.
"Chris, about Friday night…"
"You made your choice, Nina. I don't think there's anything left to say."
"But there is. I was wrong to lie to you, I know that now."
"You know how you never get the Teddy and Vern thing?"
The question confused me but it was the first time the entire bus journey that he was looking right at me, that his eyes were levelled and focused.
"What?"
"Teddy and Vern. You don't get it. Neither does anybody else except Gordie. I know what people think- Teddy's nuts and Vern's stupid. But I would walk through fire for those guys and you know why that is? Because they're loyal."
"Chris-"
"Let me finish. I may not have done the right thing by you when we got together. You were with Ace when I first kissed you and I know it was me that did the chasing- maybe that's why this was never gonna work out. But I always figured you'd be loyal to me, like I'm loyal to you. And I don't think that you've slept with Ace since and I don't think you'd cheat on me. But there are other ways to betray someone- by lying, by hiding. I was working up at Walmart with Freddie Grove, Walter Grove's dad? He was up Oregon Pen a couple of Sunday's back visiting his nephew. Told me he saw Butch Merrill and he looked like hell. Ace was visiting him with a pretty dark haired girl. Now, I knew deep down it was you. Something hadn't felt right when you disappeared that day but I told myself I could trust you, that you wouldn't lie to me."
"I didn't lie to you!"
"Friday night was the last straw, Nina. I would have walked out of that bar with you whether I thought you were wrong or not. Even if I went home after. Even if I never spoke to you again. Because I wouldn't have stayed put with my ex girlfriend and her buddies and let you leave there alone."
I was choking back tears by now, because I knew what he was saying was true. Chris Chambers was the most loyal guy I knew.
"I'm sorry," I whispered and he shrugged regretfully.
"I appreciate that but it doesn't change anything," he said. "You're not the girl I thought you were."
I didn't have an answer for that. There was no malice in his tone for me to even get angry at.
As I watched Gordie chatter away to Annabelle at the front of the bus, I stared out of the window, feeling more lost and alone than I ever had before.
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That week was the slowest most miserable I could remember.
I stayed at Fran's the entire week and if she felt I was overstaying my welcome she didn't say so. She must have noticed that Chris didn't come in on my shifts but she didn't say a word.
Gordie came in a couple of times, his anger gone, letting me know that he was still my friend, that he wasn't taking sides.
I caught the bus from Fran's to school which meant I didn't have to see Chris on the school bus. The classes we had together I either bailed on or kept my eyes glued to my work, trying my hardest to block out the rich baritone of his voice when he was called on for a question.
I felt a loss that I had never felt before.
I had never felt close to my Mom, not since I was a kid anyway. And I hadn't felt close to my dad when he'd passed either. Every break up with Ace had never affected me the way this had, this empty gaping hole that I couldn't fill no matter how busy I kept myself.
I aced a pop quiz and I so wanted to tell Chris, to see his face light up, to feel him hug me close and tell me he was proud of me. I finished reading Salinger's Catcher in the Rye, the book Chris had loaned me, and I wanted to tell him, to ask him what he thought of the ending and if he felt the same unexplainable attachment to Caulfield as I did. I had a crappy shift at work and all I wanted to do was curl up on Fran's sofa with him. To listen to him make light of the bad and seek out the good in the world.
You don't realise how lonely you are until it's the end of the day and you have a bunch of things to say and no-one to say them to.
Friday night at the Blue point diner was as busy as ever, but it didn't stop my shift dragging on.
Eyeball and his chick were in as well as Vince Desjardins, ordering not very much but making a tonne of noise. Halfway through the night, they beckoned me over.
"So you got dumped by my little brother, huh?" Eyeball couldn't wipe the smile off of his face if he tried.
"Where'd you hear that?" I said, raising an eyebrow, but all along I couldn't even force myself to get mad. I knew Chris would never have said that to anyone, let alone Eyeball.
"I hear things." Eyeball smirked at me as he withdrew his arm from his girl's shoulders. "You should come back to the Cobra's, sweetheart. At least we know how to have fun."
The girlfriend, (I'm sure it was Sara, but could have been Sarah), looked a little pissed.
"Are you hitting on her, Richie?"
Eyeball snorted at almost the same time as me.
"Don't be stupid, she's Merrill's girl."
"I am not Ace's girl," I responded tiredly. "Did you guys want something else or can I go now?"
"I'll have another milkshake," Vince said, sliding his empty glass my way. "And you'll always be Ace's girl. Reckon that son of a bitch even misses you."
Eyeball shot Vince an interested look.
"That's a bold comment, Vincent. You gonna share that with Ace when we see him?"
Vince shrugged, faking nonchalance and looked out of the window.
"I'll bring your milkshake," I said, walking away.
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I had been kinda hoping Gordie would swing by that evening. That I could okay it with him to crash at his place but he didn't show up.
I helped Fran clear up and then I hung around by the door and called goodbye. Maybe it was a throw away comment, or maybe she was sick of me at her place but she said:
"See ya later, kid."
I wandered outside to the parking lot, where Eyeball, Vince and Sarah/Sara were sitting on Vince's truck.
"What are you guys up to?" I was almost embarrassed to ask but genuinely felt like I had nowhere to go right then.
"Just about to head home," Eyeball called back.
"You wanna go get a beer first?" I asked them all. "Sara?"
"Sarah," she corrected me. "Alright, if you're buying."
"First rounds on me." I smiled.
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It was a bad idea to go to Irby's. I should have swallowed my pride and asked Fran if I could go home with her. Or even just hauled myself into Gordie's window. But I'd convinced myself neither of them, like Chris, wanted anything to do with me.
At Irby's, I bought the first round of drinks, Eyeball bought the second, Vince the third and then Eyeball insisted Vince give him and Sarah a ride.
"Come on, I'll drop you home on the way," Vince said to me, draining his beer and standing up.
"I dont have a home, " I told him. "And besides, I ain't ready to leave. I thought you said you guys were fun, Eyeball?"
"Well, Sarah's gonna have fun," Eyeball snickered. Sarah hit him with her purse and marched out of Irby's. Eyeball watched her go, a little startled.
"Shit," he muttered, rubbing his arm and backing towards the door. "Come on, Vince, let's go."
Vince gave me a last doubtful look.
"Look, Willis, I don't wanna have Merrill breathing down my neck for leaving you here…"
"I'm a big girl, Vince, and I haven't been Ace's problem for a long time now."
Vince considered this for a while.
"Well, you want me to come back for you? I mean, if I'm passing?"
I waved his comment away.
"I'll hitch a ride with someone else. Like,uh-" My eyes scanned the room for a familiar face and the only one it found was Teddy Duchamp. "Duchamp."
"That fucking psycho?" Vince pulled a face to which I laughed.
"Yeah, 'cause you Cobra boys are known for your mental stability."
Vince gave me the finger with no real anger in his expression.
"Can't say I didn't offer," was his parting comment.
And then I was alone.
I ordered a shot of tequila from Doug before I threw it back and walked over to Teddy's table. There were four other guys sitting with him but Teddy looked like the only one who didn't want to talk to me.
"How you doing, Teddy?" I smiled even when he didn't respond. "My friends have left," I said to the table. "You guys mind if I join you?"
One of the guys patted the chair beside him. He looked tough, a long thin scar marring one of his stubbled cheeks.
"Take a seat, darling." He said.
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I drank way too much that night. My new friend, Wayne, seemed to take a shine to me and he wasn't shy with his money or his attention. When Irby's finally threw us out at 3am, I was completely wasted. Wayne, like the gentleman he was, wanted to drive me home.
"Not happening." Teddy stood firm between us and I realised for the first time how sober he sounded. I scowled at him.
"Mind your own damn business, Duchamp."
"Willis, you know I don't give a shit who you fuck, but I know a guy who does."
Chris. The ache in my chest that had momentarily disappeared now came surging back.
"If you haven't heard the news, Duchamp, Chris dumped me. He doesn't care who gives me a ride home." I should have known at this point I was too drunk to make a sensible decision because I didn't even know which 'home' Wayne would drive me to. Maybe going back to his place wasn't such a bad idea…
"Come on, Duchamp. Ease up." Wayne clapped Teddy jovially on the back but Teddy shoved his hand away angrily.
"Her boyfriend-or ex boyfriend- is like my brother. So you can choose, Wayne. You can get in your car and get the fuck away from here. Or you can fight me. Which is it?" Teddy's voice was eerily calm.
Wayne outweighed Teddy by at least 30lbs but he still looked wary.
"Don't be like that…" Wayne tried to cajole him but Teddy stood firm.
"I said, which is it?"
Wayne looked at Teddy thoughtfully before he gave me a long apologetic look.
"I'm sorry, Nina. Maybe some other time?"
"Whatever," I said.
Wayne got in his car pretty quickly after that. I watched Teddy's friends separate to follow Wayne or head towards Teddy's car.
"You need a ride?" Teddy demanded sharply.
"Go fuck yourself, Duchamp."
"Suit yourself," he said, slamming his car door and turning up the radio.
It was only seconds before I was left in a dark empty parking lot alone.
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