Chapter Thirty Seven

"Are you sure the hospital just said it was exhaustion?" Chris touched my forehead with the back of his hand and frowned.

"Yeah, of course. Why?"

He moved his hand across my brow, his own face creased with concern.

"Doesn't feel like a fever but you don't look too good."

I swatted his hand away.

"Easy on the compliments, Chambers."

He smiled, pulling me towards me and kissing me softly on the top of my head.

"You always look good to me, you just look sick."

And the truth was, I felt sick. Morning, noon and night. I didn't know if it was the pregnancy or the thought of telling Chris, but I had never felt so bad.

I started to tell him a million times but every time I looked sad he tried to cheer me up by telling me about college, about Berkeley, about California.

He had it all planned that we would drive up in summer break, stay in a motel, check the campus out. He already had a study plan for the PSAT's which were months away.

"Throw the ball already, Chris!" Becky called excitedly, waving her hand at him from some way down the yard.

Lily had the measles and Chris' mom had asked Chris to keep Becky out of the way. So we had taken her to Fran's.

Chris was playing catch with Becky outside while i watched from the back step.

"Alright, go long!" He shouted dramatically, swinging back his right arm. As he let the ball fly, Becky squealed and leapt for it but it sailed way over her head and into some bushes in the neighbours yard. While Becky went in search of it, Chris came back and sat beside me on the back step.

His arm went about me and he chuckled as he watched Becky scramble after the ball. He was so good with her-with kid's in general-maybe this thing had a chance to work…

"You're real good with her," I said casually and he shrugged, smiling at Becky as she held the retrieved ball victoriously over her head.

"I like being around her."

"You'll probably make a great dad…"

He gave me a vacant smile.

"Maybe, some day. But not for a long time. I wanna see the world first, not get held back like my mom did, or blame my kids like my dad does."

"You think your Mom feels held back?"

"Pregnant at 16? Not even able to finish high school? What do you think?"

"Well, that's kind of selfish," I say. "What about her children? She has you. You must make her happy."

"Well, we also see her crying almost every night, and we know that her life would have been different-better-without us in it.

Before I got a chance to answer, the football came thundering towards us and as Chris stretched out to protect me from the impact, the ball bounced hard off of his left shoulder. In seconds, he was up and chasing a giggling Becky, who was racing across the shabby strip of grass.

And as Chris ran away from his space beside me on the back step, I felt our happy ending leave with him.

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"You gonna eat something, babe?" I glanced up in confusion to see Chris, Gordie and Violet looking at me.

My stomach felt dodgy as hell and I shook my head.

"Nah, sick of the food here," I lied, with a wave of my hand. "I'll just get a coke."

"You sure?" Chris asked.

"Burgers and fries has got old real quick," I responded.

Chris was frowning again so I concentrated on smiling at Violet so we didn't have to make eye contact. He knew something was wrong, and he knew I was keeping something from him. He just didn't know what.

"So Darren Lacey is having a party this weekend," Gordie was saying. "His old man is getting him a beer keg. Teddy said we can hitch a ride with him. You guys want in?"

"Why not? Although I can drive, I probably wont be drinking. "Chris shrugged. "Is Vern coming too?"

"Yeah, everybody is, I think. What do you say, Nina?"

The thought of a sip of water was making me want to gag. Drinking beer wasn't worth thinking about.

"Darren Lacey is an ass," I shrugged.

"Well, you don't have to hang out with Lacey," Gordie retorted, unwrapping his sandwich. "What's the matter with you? You're always up for a party?"

"Give it a rest," I snapped. "So I don't want to go to a stupid party. What's the big deal?"

Gordie opened his mouth to retort when Chris cut in.

"Hey, it's not a big deal and Lacey is an ass. All Castle Rock parties are the same anyways. We'll have plenty of time for partying when we get to Berkeley. I may even get a little soused with you." Chris nudged me in an attempt to make me smile but my heart sank into my shoes.

"I have to go." I slid out of my seat while Violet and Gordie stared at me.

"Wait, where are you going?"

I was already at diner door when I heard Chris calling after me but I ignored him, pushing outside into the parking lot and gulping back the tears beginning to swell in my throat.

"Nina, what's wrong?"

When I turned around, he was standing there with a bewildered expression on his face. His blond hair was tousled, his jacket he'd left at the table.

I couldn't bring myself to answer him.

"Have I done something to upset you?"

I shook my head dumbly, the tears spilling down my cheeks. On seeing this, he strode towards me and tried to wrap me up in his arms.

"Baby, what's going on? Has something happened? Talk to me. Please."

Stiill, I couldn't speak. Even when his eyes turned from concerned to panicked.

"Nina, say something, please? The last time i saw you like this was when…" He didn't finish his sentence but he didn't need to. We both knew what he was going to say. When you slept with Ace.

I disentangled myself from him, stepping out of his reach and shaking my head.I wanted to tell him, I did. But he didn't want a baby. And I couldn't crush his ambitions by telling him that I was having one. One that I wasn't even sure was his.

So I did what I had promised him I'd never do to him again. I lied.

"This isn't working for me," I said.

"What isn't?"

"Us. Going to college together. This was fun, we get along, but I'm not sure I see it going the distance."

His eyes were searching my face in disbelief.

"What are you talking about?"

"You heard me, closer we get to graduation, the more real this feels and I have to tell you the truth."

"Is this about Ace?"

It wasn't. At all. And it pissed me off he would even ask it, but it gave me an out.

"Maybe. I guess him and me have more in common than you and I do."

"That's a God damn lie!" I heard his voice break at that point and i couldn't bear it anymore. Turning around, I raced out of the parking lot.

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Walking into Irby's was a weirdly familiar feeling.

I had practically sobbed the entire way there from the Blue Point Diner.

When I burst in, Ace was standing at the bar with Vince and Charlie Hogan. It was almost as if he sensed me because he turned around just as I walked in, his icy blue eyes boring into mine.

I made a beeline for him as I crossed the room and though it was completely out of character for him to do so, he looked like he actually gave a shit I was upset.

"What's up?"

He tipped his chin in my direction as I approached and instead of saying anything, I threw my arms around his neck instead. Ace put an easy arm across me while still keeping a hold of his beer with his free hand.

"Well, you were right about her crawling back," Charlie sniped from beside us. I could hear in his voice that he was drunk and I squeezed my eyes shut with embarrassment as I suddenly wondered what everybody else here was thinking about me throwing myself into Ace's arms. But Ace moved me deftly aside and delivered an upper cut that sent Charlie staggering back into Vince.

"Holy fuck, Ace!" A thin stream of blood began to drip down Charlie's chin as Ace grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pushed him back against the bar.

"You don't ever fucking talk to her or about her like that again. You hear me?"

Charlie was still shell shocked by the fact Ace had punched him and was clutching his face in confusion.

"But you said-"

"I dont give a fuck what I said. I talk shit about my old man all the time. Does that mean you can join in?"

"Fuck, no!" Charlie looked mortified at the implication but Ace cut him off before he could finish.

"Well, same goes with her. Understand?"

While Charlie nodded furiously, Ace met Doug's eyes across the bar. Dougie did not look impressed. Ace threw a twenty on the counter.

"Give us another round, Doug. Keep the change. Can we use the back room?"

"I'll have to start charging you rent," Doug grumbled. "And if you can hit your buddies in the parking lot instead of at the bar, that'd be great."

"You're a pal, Doug," Ace said. He flipped open the counter top before Doug could and ushered me through to the back room where he closed the door and nodded at one of three plastic chairs.

"Sit down. What's going on?"

I tried to say something several times but only ended up crying more heavily.

"Calm down, would ya? Here, have some of this." He thrust his beer bottle at me but I pushed it aside.

"I can't drink that."

"Oh, yeah. Shit." He took a swig himself and sat down opposite me.

"Have you told anybody?" I demanded. I couldn't say it hadn't been playing on my mind. Ace wasn't exactly one for discretion.

"Told anybody what? About this? No."

"Why not?"

He shrugged.

"You told Chambers yet?"

I shook my head.

"No. And I dont think I can."

That got his attention. He took another swig of his beer and I sat in the silence as he turned what I'd said over in his mind.

"So you changed your mind about us getting back together?"

"Ace, you can't say this and then change your mind. This isn't a fling. This isn't about us. This is about a baby. Being a daddy is forever."

"I know that!" His tone was defensive. "If we do this, we're doing it properly. I'll get you a ring."

"You wanna get married?" I exclaimed.

"Not sure I 'want to', but its the right thing to do, I guess. Aint it?"

I bit down on my fingernails as I thought about it. I was so confused. How could I have woken up with Chris this morning and be talking about marrying Ace right now?

"It'd stop people talking, sure. Be better for the baby…"

"Then that's it then. We'll get hitched. Before it's born."

I nodded dumbly, glad that he was taking charge, glad that somebody was making a decision.

"What do I say to Chris?"

"Whatever you damn well like. I dont give a fuck about that faggot. But you better not tell him theres any fucking chance of this kid being his. You dont tell anybody. I find out you told a soul and you're on your own, I swear to God."

I gulped, trying to think it through, trying to be rational but he was staring at me with unblinking eyes, waiting for an answer.

"Okay."

"Not good enough." He shook his head. "Swear on your mother's good name."

"Ace…"

"Fucking swear. I swear on my fathers grave I will marry you and be a dad to this kid, You swear on your mother or no deal."

"Okay," I said weakly. "I swear on my mother."

He looked satisfied with this, stood up and nodded at me.

"Clean yourself up a little. I'll get you a coke and we'll go home, alright?"

"Home?" The word sounded foreign.

"Yeah, home. I guess you'll have to stay so I can look after you and shit."

The stark reality of the situation was finally starting to sink in. I put my head in my hands and tried to steady my breathing. Ace walked by into the bar area without saying another word.

And that was when I heard his voice.

"Where is she, Dougie? Is she here?"

I gripped the edges of my chair tightly, squeezing my eyes shut. I told myself over and over that I couldn't wreck his life, that this was the kindest thing to do to him. It would be worth it in the long run.

Then I heard the chaos erupt.

The scraping of chairs and yelling of voices. Familiar voices. Chris, Eyeball, Vince, then Doug. And finally Ace.

"Nina!" He was barking. "Nina, come out here!"

I didn't want to go, sat frozen to the chair, hoping that he would give up, that Dougie would throw them all out. But Ace called my name again and when I didn't answer, he was striding into the room, taking me firmly by the arm and pulling me out towards the bar.

"I don't want to-" I hissed at him, but he gazed at me long and hard before saying:

"You might as well get it over with."

When I turned to face the bar room, every face was looking at me. But the only face I could see was Chris'.

"Tell him." Ace's voice was low but firm. Chris was standing beside Dougie who seemed to be standing between he and the Cobra's. Chris' expression was pleading- desperate almost- and it broke my heart to know that I'd hurt him. I was hurting him at this very second and it was about to get worse.

"Nina…" My name fell from his lips and despite the sea of bodies, the bar between us, how far away he was- it was like he was standing nose to nose with me. "What are you doing? Let's go home and talk about this?"

"Tell him," Ace repeated, pulling me towards him, his hand tightly wrapped around my shoulder and upper arm in what might have been considered a hug if not so firm.

"Come on, babe. We can walk right out of here…" Chris' voice went calm and soothing, the way it did when I was frightened or hurt, and I hated myself to the very core.

I started to cry and Ace lost all patience with me.

"She aint going fucking nowhere. We're back together now so you can walk away or I can beat the shit out of you. What's it to be, Faggot?"

"What have you fucking done to her?" Chris made to rush forward but Doug grabbed for him, pulling him backwards. Ace let go of me and beckoned threateningly.

"Come on, Faggot, you feel strong? Let him go, Doug."

"Nina!" Chris yelled as he struggled against Doug's grip. "Whatever he's said to you, dont listen. Whatever's wrong we can fix it. We said no more secrets, didn't we? Didn't we?"

"Are you fucking deaf?" Ace unlatched the counter top and lifted it up. "Are you gonna leave or do I have to fucking make you?"

Doug was doing his best to keep the two apart as Ace approached but although Chris didn't shy away, he wasn't lunging for Ace anymore.

"You'll never make me. I'm not going until Christina tells me she wants me to leave."

The hush that fell over the bar was almost immediate. It reminded me of prayer time at church, a sudden, practiced quietness that was respected by all.

"Tell him," Ace snapped again.

"I..I want you to leave…"

"No, you don't," Chris was shaking his head furiously. "You dont love him. You dont want me to leave you here…"

And I didn't. I wanted to hop over the bar, grab his hand and make a run for it. But I couldn't do that to him.

"Yes, I do. It's over."

He stared at me in shock for what must have been five seconds but felt like ten minutes.

Then he turned and walked away.

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